Tag Archives: usc

by | November 1, 2012

Arrogant Game Preview: Oregon Ducks

I dropped a minor bombshell yesterday when I announced that I’d be moving to Portland, Oregon on Saturday.  While I was completely pumped up that my readers were so supportive of this relocation, it is worth noting how strange it will feel to be flying into PDX the day the Ducks come to town, my town, Los Angeles.  It couldn’t be avoided as I am needed at my new job and the local pubs (there’s a bourbon problem, I’ll fix it), but the strangeness of it cannot be denied.

Looking at it through Rose City tinted glasses, the cosmos is literally firing a bearfighting missile into the heart of darkness (or grayness, rather) to start the battle.  I am excited to make PDX my new home, but I am coming with a welcome gift.  The Shocker in the Southland.

That actually made me laugh.  Shocker with USC involved?  Never.  Anytime we’re on the field, we can win, just as we did last year.  We’ve played down on many occasions this year, Oregon has not been tested.  I’ll be the first to say this is a tall order for us, Oregon has not been even so much as tested this year.  Vegas says they will be at the Coliseum.  We’ll certainly see.

hard to dislike PDX when there was a nyquil donut.

First off, Oregon.  I’m coming to town.  Outside of Saturday, the last scheduled time we play you for two years (though I do expect to see you in a few Pac 12 Championships), I want to make it clear that we’re cool.  I’ll drink with you at Rum Club.  I’ll eat a plate of funky charcuterie at Nostrana.  I’ll drink something barrel aged at Kask.  We can Pok Pok.  Hell, I’ll dip a Voodoo Donut in NyQuil and do a rain dance with you.  We’re going to be buds.  I’ll be working for Nike’s agency, hell you never know, you might see me dressed running around like a neon banana in Forest Park.  USC is a Nike school.  I just think you guys dig fingerpainting too much.  But I accept that.  We’re good.  We’re going to be hanging out all the time, you will see my wife who has roots in the PNW at the Farmer’s Market on Saturdays and if you see me eating a Reggie, we can share a high five.  Maybe a SoCal one arm bro hug to exchange cultures.  I am ready to embrace your locally crafted everything and I may even not run over bikes on the streets.  I won’t use an umbrella.  I’ll do my best to appreciate all that you are and you will come to find, I am awesome to drink bourbon with.  I’ll even talk reasonably about your teams.  Hell, I may even become a Timbers fan.  It seems awesome.

The thing is, on game day, I’m not backing down.  Not even a little.

Let’s set the scene.  Oregon won their first Rose Bowl (although with sanctions, take it from us, you may not be keeping it).  They have won the Pac 12 I think like three times in a row.  They have redefined the concept of letting children dress themselves when they go to school and in fairness, a lot of the country gets a huge kick out of their millions of uniform combinations (including my favorite, Las Vegas Casino Security Camera):

 

We’re in an interesting place.  The historical rivalry is not much of one.  USC, on the national level, is the only relevant west coast team, but Oregon is working incredibly hard to change that.  They have made a nice start.  After losing a ton of opportunities in big national games to make a point, they won a Rose Bowl and finally put some hardware at Autzen to prove they were good in their own right, regardless of USC being sanctioned or in “down years”.  Unfortunately, in that same season, they lost to USC and those sanctions prevented a rematch that they wanted, needed and were deprived of.

Facing down a school with a uniform recognized anywhere on earth, 11 National Championships, 6 Heismans (that we count) and like a third of all Rose Bowl wins ever (seriously, take that in) is no small task.  So Oregon has to focus on the present.  Outside of losing to USC last year at home and costing themselves a chance at a title shot, they finished strong with a Rose Bowl.  They need to do that A LOT in the next decade to have the Duke effect.

That’s what Oregon wants, I don’t know if they realize that yet.  Most current Ducks will be long buried before Oregon could be considered a historical power like an Alabama, USC, Ohio State or Michigan.  These are schools that have gone on monster runs in so many decades (including recent ones) that they just never are a surprise and even when they lose it’s assumed that they will win again, as they have proven over the last century.

Oregon needs the Duke effect because the Ducks have no football history to speak of.  The last five years have been their greatest and in fairness, they have been some great years.  The thing is, they need to win a lot of Rose Bowls.  They need to win some National Championships.  They need to get the Duke effect.  This Duke effect is that after not being a powerhouse, they got a great coach who stayed and became a perennial powerhouse.  It started in modern times and has been consistent.

Oregon is close to starting this.  They have a coach who somehow makes it work with non-NFL talent (for the most part).  I think we all dig DAT running all over the place, but he’s undersized and probably a Teddy Ginn punt returner for 5 seasons in the NFL.  Chip Kelly has this team in position to keep making waves.  They need to win the Pac 12 every year for a long time.  They need to rip down like 5 Rose Bowls and 2 National Championships in a 10 year span and then it’s started.  Then there is the argument to the historical powers that “yeah you guys are great, but we’re the new hotness and you’re more likely to guess what color uniform we’re wearing than beat us this week”.

Oregon isn’t there.  Not yet.  They took a big step last year.  What will happen this year?  The pressure is entirely on them because I think most of us feel their window is closing.  Chip Kelly will not stay forever and it’s not a pro style he’s running.  To his credit, he makes a lot with a little.  He puts a freshman QB in, they still score at will.  It’s a system designed to win college football games.  I wonder what it will be if he tries the NFL or if the Seastrunk/James/Lyles hammer ever falls and makes it uncomfortable, as if it wasn’t uncomfortable enough to look like E from Entourage locked himself in a cellar and just ate meat lover’s pizzas around the clock for a year.

 

The truth is though, Oregon has achieved one major stepping stone towards being an alpha dog, towards the Duke effect.  They are the date we circle on OUR calendar now.  It’s who we get up for.  The key is, they have to make it last.

Vegas sees this game as a lot closer than the pundits and for me, I have a simple prediction.  If we do not turn the ball over, we’ll win the damn game.  That’s not an easy task, especially when it’s hard to evaluate an Oregon defense that’s been relatively untested.  I say relatively because it’s D1 football and they have been shutting teams out.

There is so much on the line for them in this game and their style requires perfect execution.  A chance at a National Title (although they probably don’t get in even if they win out if KSU decides to do the same).  Their undefeated season, alpha dog position in the Pac.

For us?  Well, we’re still USC and we will be next year.  I don’t have to think too far back to remember the fistful of recent Rose Bowls and a couple National Titles that the AP still recognizes.  A win and we’re popping champagne.  A loss and in the end, we’ll have to be lucky AND good to get into the Pac 12 Title game.  In the end, though.  If Kiffin left, or whoever left, I am confident I’ll see another run in my lifetime.

Oregon cannot feel that way.  THIS is their run.  Like I said, they need their hardware or it’s if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears…  How long will Chip stay?

I think this might be a game for the ages.  USC has so much talent, Oregon has so much offense.  USC built it’s D for this game.  No one has stopped Oregon’s O.  It’s just such a pivotal game in the Pac 12′s history.

Oregon has their traveling faithful prepared with this ridiculous website that tells their fans what color to wear.  Look, I know we are attempting to “red out” the Coliseum, but I’m sorry, who fucking cares.  We only have two colors on our uniforms.  We look organized all the time.  You only need a website when your team mysterious abandoned their colors for carbon fiber, mirrors, neon yellow and chain metal wings.  There are certain outfits they wear (yes, I said outfits) that literally look like something worn in the Red Light District.  I am waiting for Mariota to have whips and leather instead of a towel and wristband.

Like a bunch of girls going out on Friday night, they made a last minute addendum to wear white.  The only time that was cool was in New Orleans where we suddenly realized we were in an impromptu white linen party and I paid a street woman $20 to serve cupcakes to the entire bar because she had cupcakes and I had been drinking Abita and hand grenades.  Sometimes you just do shit.

By the way, how “Geocities 1997″ does that screenshot look?

Another thing is, when you are going for intimidation and tradition, aim bigger.  Don’t go with “Win The Day” when Pete Carroll already did Win Forever (and he almost did).  How about “Win A Title”  or “Win More Rose Bowls”.  This isn’t me picking on Oregon, I am giving advice to my new neighbors who have every chance of getting the Duke effect and turning this into a killer rivalry, not just the big game of the season.  I am rooting for that.  I’ve found certainly Portlanders to be great people, so much so that I was down to move there.  This is advice from a perennial winner.  You’ve already surpassed UCLA in strategy by being “the new hotness” instead of “pretending we have a football tradition”.

Now please stop doing shit like this because it sets you back:

 

I completely endorse the use of Oregon cheerleaders, which I’ve found to be, outside of the Song Girls, pretty high up there on the “you make me forget I hate your football team” list.  What I can’t endorse is taking your coked-up, rolling on E captive duck mascot and doing a PSY parody like you are a bunch of teenage girls.  It’s not fun.  It’s torturing a duck and me, who watched this.  In the video, there is:

  • unsanctioned use of the Muppets that would probably get this video taken down if anyone at the Muppets knew what Oregon football was
  • Puddles coming out of a port-o-potty and spraying something in the air (clear duck urine, I think)
  • being sprayed with fire extinguishers
  • dancing on a boat with a half naked guy who is also drugged
  • dancing on a dock with about two dozen half naked guys on drugs
  • Puddles being raped in an elevator (watch the video, it actually is more convincing than this already convincing photo)

  • A cute girl about to hook up with Puddles (good for Puddles, but that’s bestiality)
  • Unauthorized use of Yoda, created by a Trojan, sold to Disney this week for 4 billion dollars
  • Puddles mugging a version of the Stanford tree (I actually totally endorse this and possibly the bestiality)
  • Puddles humping the back of a man’s head

 

So look, I really dig all the hot cheerleaders (even if they aren’t Song Girls, who invented being hot), but when LSU gets their mascot in an EA commercial and the Duck is tripping on acid and having sex raves to a flash in the pan K-Pop song, we’re not screaming “relevant”.

Again, none of this is going to matter on the field and I expect a war and take it from the Bearfighter, I will be ready to shake hands with my new Oregon neighbors in either outcome.  Ultimately, I was just giving advice.

My advice to Matty Trojan and the team?  Don’t turn the ball over.  Wrap up your tackles.  Don’t take cheap shots and WIN THE DAY.  See what I did there.

PREDICTIONS:

I predict I will be watching this game in a hotel room in Oregon.

USC 56
Oregon 55.5 (3OT)

I think it’s a game for the ages.  The excitement may be too much for Puddles.  EMTs are on the scene if he ODs on cocaine.

KIFFIN OUTFIT PREDICTION:

I think I am going to be wrong, but I know the athletic department reads this.  Kiffin must come out in all black.  A black visor even.  We need evil Kiffin this game.  He should make out with Layla in the tunnel, sprint on the field and pinch Chip Kelly’s man boobs.  That’s what it will take to beat a VERY GOOD Duck squad.

2 PT CONVERSIONS

We’ve totally shit the bed on these.  None.  Who cares.

KYLE NEGRETE PREDATOR DRONES

Look, he better not have to punt much or this will be a tough one to win.  That said, if he has a mustache going for Movember, it will strike fear into the hearts of the Ducks, the only down side being that it will probably make Puddles try and hump the back of his head like that guy on the dock.

CLICK HERE TO JOIN ME ON FACEBOOK

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BECAUSE I TWEET PROFESSIONALLY

I’M ON INSTAGRAM @LOSTANGELESBLOG – FIND ME ON GAMEDAY FOR BOURBON

http://thearrogantnation.com/delivery-schedule/

 

 

13 Comments

Filed under Portland, USC Football

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , ,

by | October 22, 2012

Arrogant Game Recap: Colorado Buffs

Gave strong consideration to simply posting “Colorado blows” and then hitting post and saving my juice for Arizona, my home away from home.  Instead, I am going to stream of consciousness.

First of all, Chip Kelly tried to have me killed.  I have been sick for over a week and the only type of sick that’s ever kept me in battle for over a week was cancer.  It was weapons grade Duck Flu and don’t think I won’t see it coming next time.  I was in Urgent Care at 9 am on gameday demanding high fructose antibiotic serum injected into my forehead regardless of symptoms.  Luckily, the doctor on call went to USC (no joke) and gave me a cocktail of meds that would render me able to get to the game, but I would lose all appearances as a human.  Fair trade.

Look, you haven’t lived until you see football in this state.  I ran into people from high school who were giving me odd looks, later I realized this was because the sheer amount of meds I was on had me buzzing like an alarm clock.  They probably thought I might raid their medicine cabinets.  I was in a bad way, but it was important to attend this game in person.  I’ll save that for another day (ominous Bearfighter foreshadow, non-health related, fear not).

Sadly, my battle to stay conscious on meds was the most interesting battle of the game.  That is not to say it was not a hilarious, old-fashioned arrogant romp, the exact kind of thing we needed going into the meat of our schedule.  As a meat eater, this is my favorite.  Give me November football regardless of outcome.  I want the old 96′er every weekend, I’ll finish it.

It was obvious Colorado was going to lose the minute they came out of the tunnel.  They were doing some sort of jog.  It was a team jog.  It was like a menopausal run club jogging around a high school track in the Midwest.  I’m not using hyperbole.  They came out of the tunnel like they were nervous the game would go too long and they’d miss the first act of Book of Mormon.  I turned to my friends and said “fear the cloud god” and then realized that was the meds talking.  Then I told them “these guys are going to get destroyed”.

I was right on both counts.  USC had scored three times in the first 6 minutes of the game and the cloud god really shouldn’t be fucked with.

This game was honestly kind of boring.  We were never on offense because the minute we had it we scored.  Everyone rooting for this type of performance every week, realize you have to watch a lot of bad offense from the other team.  It’s like having to eat a truck load of broccoli just to get a bite of steak.  The steak was cooked perfectly though, so I had fun.  Also, meds are crazy.

Kyle Negrete running at 2pt conversion in, having it called back for being too awesome and then clanking the extended PA was super arrogant.  Ever more arrogant was the fact I never considered the possibility that any points we left on the board would come back to haunt us unless points on the board can somehow die and become ghosts.  That was the only way because Colorado is like the first person you hook up with after a serious breakup.  Who cares what it’s like, it’s a win, it wasn’t difficult and you really won’t need to think about it again for at least a year.

Geno Smith shit the bed and Matt Barkley shit on the competition.  He’s back in prime position for his NYC trip and if we win out, he’s going to get the hardware.  Lots of ifs, but nothing much has changed.  Looking at the BCS and our schedule and the schedule of the top ten, all USC has to do is win out and it’s almost inconceivable they wouldn’t get a shot at Alabama.  That said, we play for Rose Bowls, so a win next week is the next step.

But on the subject of Barkley.  19 of 20, the one incompletion was a drop?  298 yards and 6 TDs?  He also played for half a game.  Sometimes I wish Kiffin would just let us score 100 points to make a point.  The point that we can do it when we want to, but we just don’t.  Not with the cloud god watching.  We pLAy for the cloud god.

So, a record setting day for Matt and Robert Woods.  Nothing is quite as arrogant as the fact that for all the hoopla about the offenses in the Pac-12, the wide open play and the existence of the Ducks, the USC touchdowns thrown record IS the Pac-12′s record.

The videos that were canned for Matt and Robert were great.  The highlights for me were seeing Carson jump into frame when Matt Leinart was congratulating Barkley.  I mean who doesn’t get a kick out of seeing those two together, laughing at how Matt just gets millions and does nothing and how Carson wore pads and made Leinart look tiny.  In the end, Leinart still says scoreboard to Carson.

I enjoyed Keyshawn telling Robert his receptions record meant he was just a little, tiny bit better than him.  Good Trojan moment reflecting our arrogance.  Key would not give that up unless it was deserved, but you saw his personality.  He was giving Robert his due and truthfully, Robert has done as much as anyone but Matty Trojan to bring this team back to where it is (and it’s further than you think).

The third part I loved was Matt’s face when his video ended.  When I wrote the post asking him to stay, it was for moments like this.  I said it then, I’ll say it again so the cloud god hears…  We want Matt to hold our records and represent us no matter what bowl we go to or what happens with the Heisman.  He’s everything we want to be and him smiling like an asshole (in a good way) taking in a big moment made me really happy in the big picture sense.  Our guy is being written in the book.  Robert too.  These are the guys we want written in ink.  It’s great to see it happen.

It’s also great to see how awful Colorado is.  With Washington State probably becoming a goodish team over the next few, we’re going to need a perennial doormat and Colorado seems totally stoked to do so.  They even bring a white doormat to put out on the fifty yard line to remind them of who they are.  It’s tradition they jog passed it before every game before checking the snow report and ignoring the fact they are being ransacked like buffaloes by rifles shot from a passing train in the 1800s.

I didn’t even predict a final score for them.  I was impressed they kicked two FGs.  I am so glad that while we will rotate with the Oregon and Washington schools every year, we’ll always have you Ralphie.  We’ll always have you.  And your wonky older brother Utah, who kind of sucks too.

So here’s where the rubber meets the road.  Too many people thinking about the polls.  Think about wins.  Nothing can keep us out of the Rose Bowl if we win out and a large part of me would be stoked about a Rose Bowl win.  It’s been a few years and we got so used to Rose Bowl wins as consolation prizes for not winning it all, I was blown away seeing Oregon flip their shit for winning their first one in 100 years.  Or since like, radio.  Or sliced bread.

Oregon flipped out for something we have done I think like four times in a ten year period and would have done more if we didn’t play in two National Titles and an Orange Bowl.  I would be thrilled to have a great Pasadena day in January.

That said, for those of you needing to watch the polls, just look to K-State.  They are the only team that winning out will prevent us from going contingent on us winning out our very tough schedule.  I mean, Oregon State is going to lose.  K-State may not.  Every week, a win.  We’re rolling now.

I’m spent and not 100%.  I’ll be watching the Zona game from the Four Seasons in Maui, the Bearfighter needs a break and when I return, we’ll keep it super real and talk Oregon (in more ways than one).  Let’s get the win and then I promise an interesting week on this blog.

Last note, in my medicine haze I was wandering down the Row to my car and saw a kid in what appeared to be a bootleg Arrogant Nation shirt.  I was initially like “who fucks with the Bearfighter” and then after consulting the cloud god I realized what a total compliment this was.  I made a turn towards Adams and then hear my name shouted out.  I turn, it’s that crew pumping fists and yelling “I love your shit” or something like that.  Totally worthwhile.  Everytime I get someone at the Coli high five me, toss me a beer, the legend grows and my heart is happy.  You arrogant bastards make every word worth it.

Hell with a pen wherever that paper is.

CLICK HERE TO JOIN ME ON FACEBOOK

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BECAUSE I TWEET PROFESSIONALLY

I’M ON INSTAGRAM @LOSTANGELESBLOG – FIND ME ON GAMEDAY FOR BOURBON

http://thearrogantnation.com/delivery-schedule/

7 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , ,

by | October 18, 2012

Arrogant Game Preview: Buffs

Put down any sharp objects.  Maybe put some plastic wrap over your keyboard if you plan to drink anything while reading this.  In the Bearfighter’s supreme judgement, the combination of poll stagnation, too many road games, SEC game plan drowsiness and what I am guessing is some form of alumni hangover from the Stanford game, Arrogant Nation needs to get a little more piss and vinegar back.  I’m not calling anyone out, but as it is always my job, I humbly throw my chiseled, handsome frame on the barbecue so you may all smell the aroma of greatness.  I’m hell with a pen and it’s time for you to appreciate that it’s the day before the day before.

This week is the hardest week and the easiest week for me.  It’s the hardest because I know a lot of great people that went to Boulder (and many of them cited the best part was you could “snowboard to class”) and these aren’t people I like to upset.  Among them, the great Will Weston, hell with a pen in his own right, a man who will jump off of anything, bought a bar in San Francisco and really will eat as much prime rib as you ask him too.  He’s also eight feet tall and once biked from Denver to Kansas City to see a Royals game.  Not kidding, when he got there they made a big deal about it.  I’m not even sure he likes to bike.  Really, this guy should be a Trojan.

The thing is, I look forward to the Buffs game now because it’s so easy to pick on them.  They don’t win any games.  If Utah was the shitty make-good on us not getting Texas and Oklahoma in the Pac 12, then Colorado was the the piece of toilet paper that got stuck to their heel when we invited the Utes in.  What’s more depressing is based on the message board reaction from Utes, Cougars and whatever the fuck Utah State is from a couple weeks ago, they are taking the fact I think Colorado was the crappier addition as a compliment.  To be clear, I wish neither was in the conference.

Look, Utah wanted in because they were in some conference no one remembers or can name every team in.  Colorado was in the Big 12.  Their exodus to the Pac 12 was like the doormat of your house getting up and deciding it wanted to have mud and rainwater ground into it’s face at someone else’s house.  Colorado flipped conferences and other than every other year we get to go snowboarding at an away game at a stadium designed so poorly for television that you are better off going.  You guys remember last year, right?  Not the game, but the angle their broadcast platform provided?  You can’t see one of the wideouts and it feels like high school game footage.  Watching it, all that was missing was being in a math classroom with a coach in Riddell shorts that are too tight screaming about how none of you clowns are completing your blocks.

Look, you named your team the Buffaloes, an animal famous for being easily hunted and almost dying out.  For historical accuracy, when you race the damn thing across the field, how bout letting Traveler track him down and our Trojan putting him down.  Buffalo burgers are great, they had them on special at the Counter a month ago.  Like the great tribes of the plains, we won’t waste any of him.  He will be delicious.  Or ignore me.  Just run him into a fucking trailer and then lose by four touchdowns.  Your choice.

Some Buffs will come here and try again to make a joke about Trojans being condoms, but I’ll give the same answer I gave since enrolling.  I am not sure how that comparison makes any sense.  Have any of you ever been in a bad mood when a Trojan was involved?  Condoms are for one thing and that thing is awesome.  If you want to associate our student body with condoms, I don’t blame you, we’re that good looking.  We have school spirit even when we’re getting down.

Also, be careful when playing the irrelevant misuse of mascot game.  I’m not one to play it, but if I must Buffalo Wild Wings presents itself as a place men so miserable at home go to pray games go to overtime so they don’t need to go home to their wives.  The Buffalo Exchange is where women haggle over used clothing.  I could keep going, but I got bored.

Frankly, I am going to be so arrogant as to not look up one player on your team.  I know your wideout exploded his leg before the season and that sucks.  I also know your Pac 12 win was against Washington State.  I didn’t see it because I am pretty sure it wasn’t televised.  If it was, I am guessing you needed metal antennas to get it regionally.  When I picture the Buffs and Cougs squaring off, I picture two Star Wars fans having a pretend light saber battle in line at the theater.  It’s good television not because it is good television.

I’ll give Boulder one thing.  Their non-Buffalo Ralphie has the second perviest mustache in the conference behind Sparky the Pedophile at ASU:

Look, I don’t know if there’s a chance between our gameplan and the fact we never cover the spread to warrant me thinking this will be an epic blowout.  That said, I am pretty sure this is what Boulder fans will do during this game:

I want to keep it real.  I think Matt Barkley is going to get his TDs this week.  I think Kiffin is showing different looks all season so when we hit November, we have different looks.  I think he knows how little style points matter this early in the season.  They matter in November against the big dogs.  This is going to be a big ass day for Matt.  How big?  If Taylor Swift’s last single was about Barkley, it’d be called “We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together Until You Let Me Dress Up Like A Flight Attendant For You And By The Way I Cooked You Dinner”.

He’s going to interview Jay Leno after this game.

In fact, in honor of this huge day, I am giving $5 dollars off every order at the Arrogant Nation store if you use the code BUFFHUNT.  It sounds like getting naked and hunting.  I support that.

PREDICTIONS

USC 45

I’m not even giving a prediction of the Buffs points because they won’t matter.  This isn’t a pissing contest.  I piss greatness.

2 PT CONVERSIONS

None.  Kiffin is letting me down here.  I am hoping to be pleasantly surprised.  And possibly aroused.

KIFFIN OUTFIT PREDICTION

3pm, SoCal.  Back to the khakis, white polo and visor.  Red pants last week through the world off.  It was the source of his SEC playcalling, clearly.

KYLE NEGRETE PREDATOR DRONE REPORT

None.  We won’t plan to punt.  I will send him a bottle of fine scotch to enjoy from the bench (NOT REALLY NCAA JUST TO MAKE SURE).  You know this is ending up in the LA Times.

CLICK HERE TO JOIN ME ON FACEBOOK

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BECAUSE I TWEET PROFESSIONALLY

I’M ON INSTAGRAM @LOSTANGELESBLOG – FIND ME ON GAMEDAY FOR BOURBON

http://thearrogantnation.com/delivery-schedule/

10 Comments

Filed under USC Football

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | August 30, 2012

Arrogant Game Preview: Hawaii Warriors

A man can get tired of anything.  You’d think having a waterslide made of oiled up Victoria’s Secret models that stretches from my beach mansion direct to the Pacific would never get old.  But it does and so do the models.  It’s also incredibly hard to replace one when they retire or take a sick day and you’d be surprised how many people complain when you use a girl from another catalogue.  I mean, no joke, this summer Mickey Rourke refused to use the slide for that exact reason and he was already through two bottles of Blue Label.  How did he even notice?

I guess what I am saying is that I’ve spent the offseason discovering new planets, conquering underwater kingdoms, perfecting my sailing, designing uniforms for polo teams, shoplifting, playing Batman on Hollywood Blvd., racing in the APAC underground circuit (Tokyo Drift Style) and guest bartending in Monaco.

Basically, I’ve done a lot of things and I am bored of all of them.

All I want is to be arrogant and see some football.  Thank Barkley, that time has finally come.  Bearfighers, this is the first Arrogant Game Preview of the most important season in the history of looking good and being totally fucking arrogant all the time.  This is our “Luke, I am your father” season.  This is our “Kevin Spacey IS Kaiser Soze” season.  This is our “Bruce Willis is a ghost the whole time” season.  Brad Pitt and Edward Norton are both the same dude.  It’s Gwenyth Paltrow’s head in the box.

Look, I made my point with the Star Wars reference, but fuck the NCAA.  I just decided to ruin a bunch of classic movie endings because I can and I am too fired up to be polite.  Also, if you haven’t seen those films, you probably go to Oregon and I have no idea why you are reading this.  If you are really such a masochist, punch yourself in the junk right now.

So all of that said, it’s the most epic season ever.  It’s a string of Saturdays to sock the NCAA in the face and hopefully Larry Scott feels it (by the way, get off our nuts, Larry, we only sleep with winners).  It’s going to be the reckoning of an era.  It’s going to be a 30 for 30 when they are doing 60 for 60 and we’re all going to look fucking awesome in the 2010s equivalent of bellbottoms.

All of this and we open with…

Fucking Hawaii.

I drink rum and jump off waterfalls in Hawaii.  I don’t play them in football.

But hey, we’re here.  The gun’s loaded.  Let’s see if it still shoots.  I have been starved of bearmeat for so long and all I have been doing is CrossFit and 5 Hour Energy shots for about eight months now.  They’re opening my cage door.  The sun is stinging my eyes.  I can make out some shapes…  It’s the Rainbow Warriors.  Engage.  Hands down, Gs up.

First problem with Hawaii is that they aren’t very good at football.  Sometimes they sneak up on you and drop some points by virtue of passing the ball two hundred times, but let’s be honest, it is hard to take a team seriously that does a haka dance before the game.

I know it’s supporting their island roots and every time I’ve seen this dance drunk at a luau, I have generally thought it was pretty awesome.  I am also eating pig that was cooked underground and drinking rum and POG juice so I’m usually pretty stoked on life.  Also, there’s dudes throwing fire and I probably spiked some shave ice earlier in the day.  Maybe bought some vintage poster art in Lahaina.  Can’t remember.

So yeah, the dance is kind of cool the first time you see it.  Unfortunately, it’s so cool every asshole does it now, including the Arizona Wildcats.  Nick Foles showed Jon Gruden how to do it on his QB School thing on ESPN and Gruden felt so uncomfortable he ran out of the studio and ate Chick-Fil-A in protest until he gave himself the runs.

Look, when your dance is featured in Friday Night Lights by Tim Riggins’ older, dipshit brother, you know this is a pansy way to get jacked up for a game.  I think the best way to get pumped up is to kill a live bear and then stretch a little bit so you don’t pull anything.  Like I did before I started writing this.  I’m hell with a pen.

The next issue I have is that Hawaii has dudes like this hanging out on the sideline:

This is a massive problem because this dude should be playing  on the field.  If you compare this man to the guys doing the Haka Dance in the picture above, who are you scared to line up against?  I will stop rooting for USC and become a Rainbow Warrior fan the minute they line up 11 dudes like this guy all wearing no pads.  And it’s this half ass attempt to conform that is really holding Hawaii back.

For one, they let everyone get away with ignoring the apostrophe in Hawai’i.  They are only returning four starters on a mediocre defense and if they can’t stop me from ignoring their apostrophe, how are they going to stop Barkley and Woods and Lee and Redd and McNeal.  And Negrete.  We’re going to score on a punt, this team does it all.  Beez in the trap, beez-beez in the trap.

Hawaii is also so indecisive they didn’t even abandon their old moniker of “Rainbow Warriors”, instead they allowed each team to choose what to go by.  The football team are the Warriors, the baseball team are the Rainbows.  I’m from fucking California and that is too loose even for my taste and I’m saying  if it were up to me we’d all be drinking absinthe from elephant tusks that’s how down with everything I am.  Put foie gras back on the damn menu.  Yes, I am running out on the bill.  I just bought the restaurant.  You’re fired.

I mean look, Google “rainbow warriors” and you’ll see images like this:

And this:

Both of which are cooler than the Hawaii football team.  Look, I don’t know what’s going on in these pictures, but I know I don’t want to play football against the things in that second picture.  This is what my nightmares look like.  I wake up in the morning covered in bear blood and screaming about Vietnam, which I wasn’t even alive for.

Shudder.  I’m good.

Look, the real Rainbow Warriors are clearly the Houston Astros from back in the day:

There’s a small part of me that is sad Norm Chow is coaching the Rainbows because I respect that this man contributed to my college years at USC and has been snubbed for too many head coaching jobs, probably because he is boring.  The thing is, he then coached at UCLA and basically committed seppuku in my mind.  Chow didn’t get along with Uncle Pete who said “win forever” and surprise, he went to the school formerly known as 50-0.  Murder.  One block from campus.

In my mind, there could be a two minute period of this game where Hawaii is airing it out and we are a little confused.  You know, that 14-7 moment where Kirk Herbstreit is somewhere saying “maybe this is going to be a game” and at that point, Kiffin flips on the nitrous (after huffing some of it) and we run away with this game.

Barkley will get his numbers, Woods will quietly have a big game, Lee will catch one long bomb, McNeal will rack up yards and Silas Redd will get a Coliseum welcome when he gets in the endzone and realizes that’s where Trojans live.

Chow’s West Coast Offense needs athletes to work.  Ours are better.  And they won’t be dancing before the game.  We only dance after we score touchdowns and then get penalized just to make Heidari kick off from further back so it’s actually a challenge for him.  He once killed a seagull at the beach with a place kick.  He was in Manhattan Beach.  The bird was in Malibu.  Funniest part?  Kiffin told him he could have kicked it better.  Arrogant.

Since I started this blog, we have gone back-to-back undefeated in arrogance and there is zero chance that is at stake in this opener.  Just to be sure, I am returning for a second year as host of the USC Fall Sports Rally TONIGHT at Galen at 6pm.  It’s open to the public and you can see me be handsome alongside our athletic teams.  Negrete, Barkley and I will be in the stadium together forming the ultimate triforce of Trojan arrogance.  Galen maintenance crews are already reinforcing the ceiling of the arena to make sure it doesn’t explode.  Last year Barkley predicted a win at Oregon when I asked him what team he liked beating the most.  If you say it in front of the Bearfighter, it will pass.

I will likely go to the 9-0 afterwards to kick it with Arrogant Nation and spill bourbon with you, so feel free to saunter over and don’t be shy.  Unless you are a bear, I don’t bite (your face off).  If you have always wanted a picture with me or want me to sign a visor or whatever, roll up to me at the stadium, the bar, whatever.  When in Troy, do as the Trojans do.

A few quick shout outs to Matt Barkley, one of my favorite dudes on the planet who has introduced so many of you to this, the best blog in the fucking world ever.  Sup to Kevin Graff, who I have watched be like 6’5″ since he was eight.  Dude is great, so are his brother (thanks for carrying me-literally-around my first high school party), sister (winner, thanks for help in math in high school, I was busy drawing pictures of dead bears and being hell with a pen) and father (dude is a stunt man and gets killed in every action movie since 1987).  Sorry Mrs. Graf, you are the best too.  As tribute to your family, here is a picture of me drinking bourbon and comparing biceps with Keith (who you may remember Arrogant Nation got to the Super Bowl last year) at a wedding I was the officiant at.  Totally sober.  We found a wild Malibu bear later and killed it with that champagne glass.

Cheers also Cody Kessler who assures me he is being taught to be arrogant and is off to a great start.  Cheers to the players I don’t know as well, come say what up tonight and then we’ll all be first name basis, like it should be.

Finally, cheers to Kyle Negrete, cyborg punter and legend with a scholarship.  You and Barkley are humanitarians and bear murderers, that’s fucking arrogant.

ONTO PREDICTIONS!

USC – 78
Hawaii – Double Rainbow (I don’t know how many points that is, but I am guessing they will have possession as long as the run time of the classic YouTube viral hit and frankly, watching a fat dude on acid freak out in the wilderness about rainbows will be more fun than watching these dudes haka dance their way to a spanking)

KIFFIN OUTFIT

It’s hot out.  He’s going khakis, white polo, white visor.  Mark it.

2 PT CONVERSIONS ATTEMPTED

This is our first date and Chow was once a Trojan before he went clinically insane.  I think Kiffin goes for a tasteful one and Barkley just gets arrogant and does it a second time because he invented scotch by way of a time machine.

CYBORG PUNTING SUMMARY

Negrete uses the cyborg leg to punt 3 times, each time just for fun.  Average of 45 tasteful yards, each inside the 20.  He will also be deciding what kind of facial hair he will be rocking, so we’ll get our first clues.

GAMEDAY UPDATE

I’ll be rolling to the game with honorary Trojan (he married in, she’s obviously good-looking) @storefrontjenius, who you should follow.  DM me on twitter, FB message me, or text me if you are a lucky recipient of the Bearfigher hotline and maybe we may spill bourbon together.

I will be getting my day started at Lambda Chi and their arrogant tailgate on the row thanks to their gracious offer to host the Bearfighter on this, the Christmas of football season.  We’ll be drinking in honor of the death of many Rainbow Warriors, telling bearfighter stories and hopefully some of us lose our faces.  Try to get in, work your angles, get into this party if you can because 93% of people who drink with me end up winning their next 27 hands of blackjack.  Not kidding.

Remember to hit me up, I may stop by your tailgate en route to the victory if you remind me.  Let us all rejoice on this most anticipated of Saturdays.

#FTFO #bearfighter #unfinishedbusiness #partywithzj

SEND ME YOUR PICTURES

Take a picture with me.  Take a picture of yourselves being arrogant.  Hold up signs inspired by Arrogant Nation and Bearfighting.  Wear the clothes.  You WILL make it on the blog if you have good pics.

CLICK HERE TO JOIN ME ON FACEBOOK
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BECAUSE I TWEET PROFESSIONALLY
I’M ON INSTAGRAM @LOSTANGELESBLOG – FIND ME ON GAMEDAY FOR BOURBON

13 Comments

Filed under USC Football

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | August 16, 2012

Kyle Negrete Launches Predator Drones

Kyle Negrete is a modern Ernest Hemingway.  A man with no fear of a tussle who is perfecting his craft.  His “writing” is kicking the shit out of a football.  You could call him hell with a foot.  The Hemingway reference is easy to draw as I think about his origin as a punter (at least the version I am telling you right now).  Like in “The Old Man and The Sea”, Kyle was out trying to catch some fish.  Unlike the book, he didn’t really want fish, that was just the excuse he made to get on the fishing boat owned by rich, Bruin alumni.

Twenty miles out to see he went all Bourne on them and gave them a choice:  swim to shore or be punted off the boat violently.  Being Bruins, five minutes later Kyle was the skipper of the USS Bearshark (he renamed it by writing the name on the hull in bear blood, it was awesome because his handwriting is naturally in Helvetica).

He went deep into the Pacific looking for sharks.  The chum he was throwing overboard was not working.  The sharks were crazy, fucking smart and the only option was to make them an offer they couldn’t refuse.  Kyle is no joke and knew they wanted human flesh.  He regretted making the Bruins leave, but a man like Kyle doesn’t just give up when there’s no dead Bruins laying around.  A man like Kyle engineers a solution.

Kyle just dangled his leg in the water while putting on a pair of boxing gloves.  He was eating prime rib just before and used the leftover au jus mixed with SPF 100 to scent his leg.  The boat cruised through the Pacific until one shark finally couldn’t take it.  Punter Leg is a delicacy unmatched in the shark community, especially when it is scented with beef jus and sunblock.  Surfer leg is a regional treat, of course, but Punter Leg is the Kobe beef of the leg world.  This one shark couldn’t take it and fell into Kyle’s trap.

The shark bit hard on Kyle’s leg, just as he had planned.  Calmly, Kyle started boxing the shark delivering jabs, crosses and rabbit punches in rapid succession.  Picture it.  A man using his own leg for bait boxing the head of a great white wearing boxing gloves to ensure it was a fair fight.  After three rounds, Negrete was victorious.  Unfortunately, there was very little left of his leg.  He didn’t care.  He finally had the shark to mount in his apartment which would really tie the room together and great men go on great quests for small pleasures all the time.  Just wait until your friends start having bachelor parties.  You’ll know what I mean.  Or just watch the original Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle.

People don’t realize this is the reason Negrete left his career as a linebacker at University of San Diego, the very spot the Bearfighter found a wife to share his bear pelts and caviar with.

He wandered the Southland for months perfecting his mustache and ability to pull off a peacoat in this climate.  Then, when he was out proving that a one-legged man could in fact win an ass-kicking contest (he won by a large margin), he ran into Lane Kiffin in Manhattan Beach.  It was like a scene from an early 90s sports movie.  Kiffin saw the potential, not just the bearkilling blood in his veins.

Kiffin, not unlike what happened to Wolverine, had proprietary future technology he wanted to suggest to Negrete.  To create a super-punter, literally the boot from the future, Kiffin knew he needed to combine a linebacker with his space-age robotic prosthetic that he had stolen from the SEC Laboratory for Football Innovations, a facility dedicated to outfitting SEC teams with the kind of tools necessary to play football games that end in low scoring affairs you usually see in hockey or baseball.

Deep beneath Bovard (oh what, you didn’t know about the surgical center there?  I used to break in and use IVs to cure my hangovers while at USC way before the Hangover Heaven bus in Vegas) Negrete survived the surgery and joined the football team as the world’s first cyborg linebacking punter.

It all seemed innocuous, his ability to consistently place the punts wherever the fuck he wanted.  Until we were playing Washington and Lane Kiffin wanted to put his creation to the test.  He called a fake punt which set Negrete’s cyborg kill switch to engage.  After easily using his cyborg speed to run for the first down, he decided to run over a hapless Husky defender in what might have been the signature punting moment in the history of recorded sport.

Linebacker.  Punter.  Cyborg.  Mustache.  Hero.  Weapon.

These are the words that define Kyle Negrete, the first robot I have ever had the pleasure to call a friend.  I am terrified with the quality of our offense this year that our cyborg linebacker punter will be under-utilized and frankly his robotic talents must be brought squarely into the limelight (limelight recharges the solar component of his cyborg leg and also helps him use the stars to triangulate exactly where he wants to drop the punts).

That is why this season along with my traditional Arrogant Score Prediction, Kiffin Outfit Predictions and Two Point Conversion Predictions, I will be arming the Arrogant Game Recaps with the Kyle Negrete Predator Drone Blast Chart.

Kyle’s cyborg launched punts contain artificial intelligence and more closely resemble the predator drones our military use to fight terrorists, so punts will be forever referred to as predator drones.  I have been doing this directly to Kyle on Twitter and we both feel it is accurate.

WARNING:  If you see Kyle on campus, DO NOT TOUCH his robot launcher leg without his permission.  It has a complicated anti-attack system that could cause him to inadvertently punt you all the way to LA Live.  If you want to touch the leg, ask him politely so he can disengage counter measures.

Onto New Business:

Today is the last day to order from OUR STORE and have it shipped for the Hawaii game (please refer to our delivery schedule on the site for timings regarding future purchases, same deal as last year).  In honor of Bane Kiffin plugging the Bearfighter himself into his meme and in honor of Kyle Negrete and his Predator Drones, we’re releasing a one day only $5 off coupon code you can rock to get swag on the cheap.  I know you all need to buy beer and bourbon for the season, so I am doing my part.

The code is DRONE and you enter it at checkout.  Thank Bane Kiffin and Kyle for that, just don’t touch his leg.  I warned you.

CLICK HERE TO JOIN ME ON FACEBOOK
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BECAUSE I TWEET PROFESSIONALLY
I’M ON INSTAGRAM @LOSTANGELESBLOG – FIND ME ON GAMEDAY FOR BOURBON

7 Comments

Filed under USC Football

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

by | August 9, 2012

Introducing Myself to Jim Mora

Hey, I just met you and this is crazy…

Jim Mora, new UCLA coach, I barely know you at this point and already, I love you.  We’ve suffered through Karl Dorrell, who even winning a game against us that cost us a title bid didn’t stand out enough to make me hate him.  We had our fun with Rick, who was just so boring and awful that the only time I had anything to write about was when he got carried off the field in celebration of leading the worst team in history to ever play in a bowl.  I need a drink just thinking about that.

You’ve barely been here and already, you’ve got a friend in me.  You are going to give me plenty to write about.

Let’s get you all caught up.  Jim Mora, as cited by the LA Times, was recruiting by radio on the Roger Lodge show (which was his first mistake, who runs a 4.4 and listens to that asshole?) and cited the advantage of going to school in Westwood by saying, “We don’t have murders a block from our campus”.

Now, most connected this to the tragic murder of two Chinese grad students near our campus last spring, but Mora deflected saying that “I just said our campus is safe.  I didn’t say anything about anyone else’s campus.  I didn’t mention another campus.  We don’t have anybody getting murdered a block off of our campus.  If anybody, whether USC or Cal State San Bernardino is offended by the statement, then that’s their insecurity, not mine.”

I mean, nothing screams “secure” like citing “not-getting murdered” as a pro of coming to play for their school.  I mean, damn.  If only my back-up schools had promised me I wouldn’t get murdered, I might not have even been a Trojan…

Of course when told about the Chinese grad students, Mora said he doesn’t read the papers or know about that stuff, which at least to this genius would make it hard for him to know if anyone was getting murdered anywhere unless he listens to police radio in his free time.  I wonder if he knows what year it is?  Probably not if he took the UCLA job.

This is a baby jab he’s throwing way, way, way after the fact.  Look.  We’re needing someone from our walk-on crew to give back a scholarship to accommodate the 1,000 yard rusher that just transferred to USC from Penn State.  I am not totally sure who he is recruiting against here.  Our class is full and it’s more loaded than a chain restaurant baked potato.  We’re done, bro.  Recruit the leftovers.  Leave us to our 5 star prospects, hot coeds and increasingly valuable degrees.

Let’s get one thing straight before I crack my knuckles and sock your nose, it’s not cool to make light of murders anywhere, especially of students, especially for the goal of football recruiting.  This is kind of the same mentality that, I dunno, kept Penn State from reporting child rape.  Football is second to life/death.   Even I wouldn’t try to capitalize on the murder of innocent UCLA students.  That’s just creepster weird, Jim.

If you want to throw a punch, expect the Bearfighter to hit you back.  I have the audience and I just sit on my porch all day waiting for wounded ducks like this.  See if you like how I hit back…

Let’s be clear.  There was a murder one block from the USC campus you forgot to mention.  It was that time your football team got murdered in front of 90,000 people at the Coliseum by a score of 50-0.  Being that you traveled a full team, that was a serial killing.  That was a massacre.  I guess we’re no better than you.  We used that murder to recruit too.  That’s the difference between you guys and us, Jim.  You recruit by saying you won’t get murdered on campus.  We recruit by saying that we’ll murder you guys on our football field.

Which pitch resonates to a bad ass high school football player who wants to go next level?

Also, who are you recruiting by negative recruiting USC right now?  We have the top class, we’re done.  We’re lighting up a post dinner cigarette drinking port and discussing foreign films.  Everyone we wanted, we have and they never paid any attention to you in the first place.  In lieu of having on field performance to cite, your play to undecideds on why they should come to UCLA is “they won’t get murdered?”

Really?

Can you imagine if you went to a job interview and and you asked what the company was like and they told you “Well, you won’t get murdered in the parking lot”?  Don’t you guys have a school that covers marketing or anything?

I mean, look, I’ll give you that Westwood is safe, but a publicist got killed on Sunset in her luxury car a year ago.  One of the most famous murder tragedies happened in Westwood in 1988 when a gang shootout took the life of an innocent bystander.  This killing literally still has an effect on the area as Westwood used to be a shopping destination like 3rd Street, but a decade of people fearing Westwood wasn’t actually safe wasn’t good.

That said, you’re right.  When I went to Diddy Riese in high school (that was the last time waiting in line for cookies and milk made sense) I felt no fear of being murdered.  I felt very safe surrounded by people waiting an hour for a cookie and some milk.  You aren’t lying about that.

This is Los Angeles.  It’s America’s second largest city.  You can get killed here anytime.   And it’s so much easier to see how you died when you wear white uniforms to the Coliseum.

I mean, look.  You’re right.  UCLA players won’t get murdered one block from campus.  Your stadium is so damn far from campus that you’ll be getting murdered in Pasadena, which even my elementary level geography skills tell me is further than a block from Westwood.

By the way, when you bring recruits there, probably don’t show them the wall where it lists the Rose Bowl Champions of years passed because it literally has our name on it so much it looks like USC-themed Christmas wrapping paper.

And enough with all the “hood” chatter.  Wherever USC is, our students and student-athletes love it.  My goal for college was not to live in Beverly Hills.  It was to put some miles on my odometer and learn to be hell with a pen and get along with everybody.  I used to party off 23rd and hang out with locals at Lee’s Liquor Mart a decade ago and everyone was awesome.  They made me a freak with a quill.  They don’t serve bear meat in Westwood.  You have to hunt it off Menlo.

USC makes our community better and that’s why everyone who got in on a loft in 2001 downtown didn’t notice the real estate collapse in 2008.  They were too busy doubling their money.  Like I said, I didn’t want to go to school in Beverly Hills.  I balled out at USC and then moved to Beverly Hills because I got a good job and wanted to ACTUALLY live there.

We love where USC is and we’re fine with you guys showing up once every two years to get murdered one block away by the ScienCenter, the Natural History Museum and the Rose Garden.  At least the police know who to question because the beating is on television.

And let’s keep it real.  You know what it looks like a few blocks from our campus?  This:

 

I am sure the recruits that you are going after hate seeing this kind of thing.  I know I don’t.

Let’s talk about murder some more, Coach Mora.  Let’s talk about your outfit here, because you are totally killing it.

You’re wearing your prep school khaki shorts you don’t currently fit in.  It’s okay to wear them that high if you are a rich kid going to the Hamptons.  It’s not cool when you are hanging around with a bunch of dudes all day like a creepy uncle.  Also, what’s with the long sleeves?  It’s called summer, we have it every day in this region of the world.  These recruits you don’t want to think will get murdered aren’t going to trust a man who wears a long sleeve shirt, ankle socks and thigh-high khakis in the middle of summer.  You seem more like a murderer than everyone but that guy in blue in the background who’s staring off into the distance.  He’s hiding something.

Jim.  Can I call you Jim?  Since you are new here, I’m going to chalk this up to insensitivity with the faintest soupçon of classism-slash-racism.  If you want to beat us in recruiting, beat us on the field.  Do it a lot.  Start small.  With a touchdown.  Then, when in a position where you need to petition the NCAA to let you into a bowl game even though you would tie the worst record of a bowl team ever, don’t do it.  And if you do, don’t lose and own the solo title of worst bowl team in history.  Of football.

These things matter more to recruits than whether or not they will get murdered at college.  Especially when this is on the edge of our campus:

We want you to be good again.  We get sold a rivalry game with you every year, so why is it we’re always so much more excited to play Oregon, Notre Dame, Stanford (that hurts), Washington… Shit, any other team…

Go back to “not reading the paper or watching the news” or whatever you said and pull your foot out of your mouth long enough to teach your team to get in the endzone at least once.  And next time you want to try to make football gains by bringing up a tragic killing of two students looking to receive their education, don’t.  It’s the kind of classless act your students have spent years trying to say we thrive on, the “University of Spoiled Children”.   What does that make you, Jim?  Coach of the University of Cruelty Loving Assholes?

I have a lot of Bruins I call friends and co-workers and I am positive they would disagree with your tactics and would much prefer you recruit with a win or two on the field, not a tasteless ploy on the radio.  I have enough faith in the Bruin Nation that they’d like a recruit to come to UCLA to be a “Son of Westwood” because they’d see it as an honor, not because their coach told them they were less likely to get murdered there.  I have enough faith in them that they don’t think two grad students murdered in cold blood should be a recruiting tactic.

Speaking of classless, I am going to go now.  I just ordered a lobster holding a bone-in filet in each claw and it’s super hard to get Mastro’s and Providence to coordinate.

See you on Death Row come November, friend-o.

CLICK HERE TO JOIN ME ON FACEBOOK
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BECAUSE I TWEET PROFESSIONALLY
I’M ON INSTAGRAM @LOSTANGELESBLOG – FIND ME ON GAMEDAY FOR BOURBON

 

 

28 Comments

Filed under USC Football

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

by | August 8, 2012

2012 Arrogant Nation Mission Statement

How was your offseason?  Mine was terrific.  I’ve spent considerable time playing in the stock market (literally going to the NYSE and starting flash mob style pick up basketball games during prime trading hours), discussing with Kyle Negrete that all his punts will be referred to as “predator drones” this season and that I plan to have a punting section in each post, promoting skin cancer awareness by roaming the boat culture in the south of France by voluntarily ensuring models were covered in high SPF sunblock at all times (try the champagne there, apparently the French are great at it!), and of course putting myself through 300-style training to make sure this season I was in peak condition.

I am.  I am lean, mean and so fucking angry at the NCAA, our opponents, science and bears.  I have a cabinet stocked with ink for my quill and bourbon for my gullet.  It’s time for the Arrogant Nation Mission Statement in which I set forth our goal as a program and community.  I urge you to share this with your friends, your family, your enemies (you know what the Bearfighter does with hate mail) and with new incoming USC student who have no idea how lucky they are that the 8th Wonder of the World is actually a alumnus blogger who is undefeated in arrogance.

Strap on your pads, getcho popcorn ready.  Time to give them something new to try and sanction.

________________________________________________________

It is the beginning of our third act.

When I was a rocket-propelled bourbon barrel attending USC film school in the screenwriting program they taught me about structure and the protagonists journeys intertwining.  They taught me how in the best stories, two different people come together to stick a sword in the bear’s dirty heart in the end, each needing each other to get it done.  Some have called me a cult hero, most call me The Bearfighter.

If you’re new here, there’s only one thing I claim to be:  I’m hell with a pen.

Let’s start at the beginning for new Trojans first discovering this by way of some handsome and sexually attractive upperclassman, athlete or alum.  This blog used to be about me drinking bourbon and running around Los Angeles trying to figure out how it’s possible I was this handsome and also so fucking hell with a pen.  Every Saturday, as I did when I was a student, I would go to the Coliseum and celebrate the fact that win or lose (and we usually just won), we are the single worst team for the opponent to play for so many reasons.

We have no flaws in our armor.  On the off chance we lost, we still went to USC.  Our women are beautiful, our degrees expensive and more valuable in the world every year.  We’ve got a monster endowment.  You heard me, we’re well-endowed.  It’s 72 degrees and we don’t give a fuck.  Yes, I’ll do a keg stand.  No, I don’t know what time it is.

When the sanctions hit, chapter one of this trilogy began.  I started Arrogant Nation with a blog post that still resides atop the page you are reading right now where I said that it didn’t matter what the NCAA says, we were going to party in their face, steal their girlfriend and publicly dump her on prom night after her father covered cost of the limo.  Then we hook up with her friend and teach her brother how to skateboard.  I have seen this all as if it were a dream and as I coined phrases you all see on shirts in your dorms, houses and at the stadium, Arrogant Nation became a real thing.  It always was.

ESPN showed up to GameDay reluctantly despite hiding our scores and dissing our legendary coach, The Visor.  That’s because we’re always the story, even when we’re sanctioned.  USC not playing football is more interesting than 98% of teams playing.  That’s a fact and anyone reading this that felt like arguing it, know that the feeling you are experiencing is just being angry that I am right.  Don’t feel bad, we’re the main football event in the second biggest DMA and there’s no NFL team.  We make winning look good.  We make getting sanctioned look good.  (refer to our current “sanctioned” recruiting class that any other unsanctioned program would trade us for).  Frankly, we just look good, even when we look bad.  We look good when we win and we look good when we lose.

Want proof?  People loved picking on our Song Girl Natalie Nelson for celebrating by mistake after Texas scored in the Rose Bowl.

Guess what, we lost and she looked good.  She’s a Song Girl.  She won that day because everyone in the stadium wanted to date her.  She married a former Trojan in hte NFL and now can afford to swim in only 1992 vintage rose champagne.  We win even when we lose.  Arrogant.  Of course I want lobster in my mashed potatoes.

When GameDay got sucked into coming to USC because we’re always the story, in the background you’d see my quotes “You Can’t Sanction The Endzone” and “Bowls Are For Salads” and “Lane Fucking Kiffin, Bro” which in fact was my answer to everyone who said “Lane Kiffin?  That’s your hire?”

You’re damn right he was and I said right away he was the man for the job.  A modern man who wears white after Labor Day and doesn’t wait to be promoted, he takes it.  The man went out and got the hottest wife on the block, fucked around in the NFL, killed Al Davis with arrogance (no proof, still convinced) went to the SEC and talked shit about EVERYONE and then literally peaced out to come to USC.

Why?  He said it was the perfect school, the perfect job.  And since then…  Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

The man named his kid Knox after Knoxville and when he has his Championship Drew Brees holding his kid moment, all the South will think General Sherman came back as a coked-up zombie it will be such a slow, terrifying death.  And you, Arrogant Nation will be drunk chopping down trees, killing bears and eating duck.  We may bag a tiger or an elephant if we’re lucky.

An unproven coach.  An unproven blogger.  An unproven team.  Despite mixed results our first year, the blog reached cult status, the coach was landing recruits and losing close, close games by doing crazy shit like going for two every time and our team was way under the radar.  We carried the school on our back that year.  We stood by the players when the country wanted to scapegoat us not knowing that somewhere Cam Newton was asking for 200K to play at his third college, that Nevin Shapiro was throwing the world’s greatest ocean-bound cocaine party for a decade’s worth of Miami Hurricanes, that Ohio State players were selling their gear for profit or that little kids were getting molested in the showers at Penn State because a cover up kept the game going on the field.  Oh yeah, and Oregon was paying for “recruiting guides” for Texas players including LaMichael James even though Willie Lyles couldn’t produce any actual documents (which is code for paying for influence).

When we were made to be the root of all evil, we put on our sanctions shirts, packed the student section and shared the blog posts regardless of audience.  We fought the fuck on and ignored everyone like the arrogant geniuses with perfect bodies we are.  Of course, I’ll have a bourbon.  Sure, Bulleit works.  No, I’m not wearing pants.

You want to make us the bad guy?  Good.  Like I always say, Darth Vader sold the most lunchboxes.

Chapter two of the trilogy saw gained momentum.  The blog ballooned to 1 million plus visitors a year and The Bearfighter became a staple on campus.  Kiffin supported by prediction of being a two-loss team by only losing two times.  Upperclassmen shared the posts with underclassmen.  I spoke on campus, I hosted the Fall Sports Rally at Galen.  I bowled a perfect game and survived cancer.

By the end of the season we were a train.  A train on meth that didn’t know it was a train anymore and just started robbing convenience stores.  We beat Oregon with one arm behind our back due to travelling a small sanctioned squad and still pulled out the W on the road ending a home winning streak that probably meant more to them than Christmas.  It was such an excruciating loss for them that they made faces like this and spent weeks flooding the blog trying to explain how they didn’t lose and how if the game was longer they’d have won or if their kicker hit a field goal it would have gone to OT…  Whatever.  Scoreboard.  If we traveled a full team we’d have continued winning at the clip we were when it was 38-14.  Even kicking someone’s ass takes energy.

Oh yeah.  I promised sad Oregon people.

Wait, one more.

And Chip Kelly wore out his visor to pretend he was thin enough to pull off that look got treated to a massive curveball by the man KNOWN as the Visor.  Homeboy showed up in a beanie.  Arrogant.  It’s like at Sundance all the LA people wearing crazy black winter coats just because we don’t get to in LA.  Beanie had one chance to get some play.  Kiff put it in the game and WON THE DAY (you heard me Chip).

In last year’s Arrogant Nation Mission Statement, I set out the goal of us winning the Pac-12 South and making Larry Scott look like a dick for getting an awful matchup that everyone knew was bogus.  Through a loss or blow out, it was our job to create havoc and point out an epic fail.  We had to be the punk on a skateboard messing with the nerds who still think the NCAA is a real entity or that this is about football or that any Pac 12 Championship in which we were not allowed to compete in could be considered real.  Our goal was to make a mockery of this system based on strange rules and back alley deals by winning enough to undermine them.

CHECK PLUS, ARROGANT NATION.  You guys are so attractive, let’s all get married and cheat on each other WITH each other.

The Inaugural Pac 12 Title game was between an Oregon team the nation saw us beat less than a month before and UCLA, a team we beat 50-0 and ended up petitioning to be the worst team ever to play in a bowl.  Here’s mud in your eye, Larry Scott.  Just kidding, that’s not mud (horrified face).

Let that sink in.  I mean, really.  Extrapolate what happened.

We embarrassed Oregon who didn’t get the shot to prove they deserved the title (I’d be pissed if they were sanctioned and our title game was against some BS team).  We embarrassed our rival by making them play in a game they had no business being in and even Larry Scott knew it when a very good Duck team beat them all over the field (although not 50-0).  We embarrassed Larry Scott because that game was like watching an off Broadway one man show about the French underground cheese trade.

Scratch that.  That sounds way cooler than that game ended up.  The French take cheese way more seriously than UCLA took that game.  Or like, getting dressed in the morning.

Oregon has looming clouds of the Lyles shady dealings.  Andrew Luck is gone.  The world is starting to make sense and it was us, Arrogant Nation, that avoided being fair-weather fans.  We weren’t even fans.  We were naked supermodels riding dinosaurs at the beach wearing oversized frat tank tops with big ass letters on them.  We made sanctions look good.  Of course I’ll do a keg stand.  Sure I’ll chase it with bourbon.

So good in fact, that the most unjust sucker punch the NCAA ever threw resulted in us having the top recruiting class in the country, a preseason top 3 ranking, a coach who now is the toast of the CFB world, a program so desirable that after Penn State got sanctioned, their star running back just ups and comes west  where the Arrogant Nation is beating drums and dancing to house music throwing glow sticks at nerd bears trying to get into our parties.  I don’t care what the score is, all we do is win even when we don’t.  In fact, I kind of want to just run around the locker room handing out hundreds just so we can do this all again.  I had a blast, NCAA.  How was it for you?  (lights cigarette)

And Paul Dee, the asshole, hypocrite, everything-wrong-with-the-system-personified-in-one-fat-man who presided over our sanctions hearings despite being the AD at Miami in a time where they scored more coke than touchdowns (and they scored a lot of touchdowns), literally died.  I don’t wish death on anyone but bears, but let’s be honest.  Paul Dee carried more guilt than cholesterol in that enlarged, over-worked heart of his.  What goes around comes around.  I’ve had cancer twice.  This season, I’m here to collect.

Our offense is so stacked we’ll need to pack our asses into the stadium by kickoff to not miss the first 21 points.  We have 2 1,000 backs, 2 1,000 wide outs and a QB who threw for 3500+ yards and is the favorite to replace Reggie Bush’s vacated jersey in the Coliseum.  Something I said would happen when I wrote to Matt to stay.  Something we all want to happen.

After all, this is a man who deserves our love if not for any reason beyond the fact that when The Bearfighter called him drunk from a bar in New Jersey after the Oregon game explaining how past and present and future all were coming true, that we were all on a path of destiny, he actually returned the call.  Even my wife knows not to call me back when I am in that kind of state.  New Jersey, I mean.

This season, we have to put it on the line.  Arrogant Nation, we’ve hit our goals each year.  We didn’t let the NCAA knock us out.  Then, we totally fucked up the Pac 12 Championship and returned to prominence.  What now you ask?

Time to put my Dillon Panthers (or East Dillon Lions, you pick) hat on and give you some Coach Taylor Bearfighter.  Here’s our mission statement and some Explosions in the Sky to set the mood.

I.  Want.  It.  All.

This year, it’s about winning.  It’s about hitting these guys in the mouth.  We’ve spent far too long being told to be ashamed for loving our school which hasn’t been accused of covering up rape or handing out drugs or doing anything most of us would find reprehensible.  We’ve been called cheaters and told our athletes just take ball room dancing when the admissions test to get into most of the SEC (earmuffs, Vanderbilt) is checking to see if we have a pulse.

In our absence this sport has become a showcase of hideous uniforms, bastardized traditions and a completely false belief that if it isn’t from the SEC, it isn’t football.  I remember #1 Auburn getting shutout at home.  I remember dealing McFadden’s SEC West Champion Razorbacks their worst loss of all time followed by their worst home loss of all time.  We’re the only ones who can take the fight to them.  We’re the only ones with a big enough chip on our shoulder.  Oregon just has a big enough Chip.

For my alumni readers, you know you never know when the stars align and you have your chance.  To my Class of 2012 readers who were with me from the start, you have never seen the stadium the way you will see it this year as we gain steam.  My junior and senior year, we lost one game and it took triple overtime to beat us.  The players fought and we pushed our players.  I am the first to say this team is special.  This team will be better than them regardless of record.  This team wants to put us in the throne and behead the naysayers.

Not just special because they are talented, which they are, but so are the Tigers.  So are the Tide.  What this team has that no other team has is us.  They have a fly in their ear turned into a deafening roar from the cheap seats.  Never let up.  The Tigers and the Tide are riding high and they expect to be there as we have so many times.  I’ve seen Trojan teams fall complacent and slip to Beavers and Cardinal and Huskies for no reason.

This year our mission is to remind the players at every moment that this is so much more than a season.  This is a shot at greatness.  The kind of greatness we’ll see on a 30/30 one day.  The team that played ten men down for no reason anyone could explain and showed that their 75 was always better than whatever 85 they lined up with.  Bleeding lungs from cheering.  Bruised palms from clapping.  Faces numb across the Coliseum drunk off the opportunity to ride one great wave.

Anyone can win a title or a bowl game.  Not anyone can win it coming from where we have.  Not anyone can win it like us.  Not anyone can say fuck you and thank you in the same breath like we can.  We’re going to be in a drunken state of focus for every play and pre-game party and we’re going to make sure the team knows we’re there.  If we had the faculties to push them into the endzone, we would.  We’ll do it with our arrogance, win or lose, we’re not giving up even a little bit come Natty or come Rose Bowl.  We’re back on the  map and we’re plotting our location the way our band leader stabs the fifty yard line.

For all I know we’re starting another historic run at USC, but I promise if we do our job and our team does theirs, this will be the most special year of them all.  It’s going to be that one great vintage.  This is the one your kids will be pissed they didn’t see, games in the time of Barkley and Woods and Lee and MacDonald.  A team of players that all could have left but knew better.  They knew something about the name on the front of the jersey.  Silas Redd came from another sanctioned school, proof that what USC “did” and what is truly sanction-worthy are so vastly different.

For our third year running we’ve been beating our chests and saying “just wait”.  ”Just wait until they open the gate and let us into the ring” and now finally we’re less than a month out.

In the words of our infamous marching band “fuck everyone but us”.  Believe me, we’re the only ones rooting for us and what could be more arrogant than that.  Let’s not be the Ducks wondering if and when we’ll be considered significant.  Let’s not be the SEC assuming their money is always trading at twice the value of our currency.

Let’s be Arrogant Nation, let’s kill bears and drink bourbon and let’s shove this one into the endzone.

You with me?

Here’s what you can do.  When GameDay shows up, you take a sharpee and a poster and you get as arrogant as you can.  I’ll be here to help.  You rock a shirt every chance you get.  You take underclassmen and set them straight by sending them to this blog and making them follow it on Facebook and Twitter.  You stay until the last play and never back down to anyone at any point.  SHARE THE POSTS.  SHARE THE SHIRTS.  SHARE THE MESSAGE.

This is going to be one for the ages.

We’re going to go for broke this year so much so that if we get our ultimate win, I may just smash my laptop and walk away.  I don’t know how I could go out any bigger, I don’t know what I’d have left to do.  I am the Bearfighter and I’ve helped you carry the torch lit when sanctions hit and now it’s time to use it to burn down the city.

We’ve all got unfinished business and we’re going to have a lot of fun at the office.

______________________________________________________

Here’s what’s next.  We’ll have a few posts before the season about the new format of the Arrogant Game Previews and Recaps.  I’ll get a little more football related.  The purpose of this was to lay it on the line.  It’s time for us to complete our trilogy by slaying the bear.

Below is a link (OR CLICK HERE) to visit the new Arrogant Nation Store.  Please CHECK THE DELIVERY SCHEDULE to know when your orders will arrive.  This year, we’ve partnered with Kotis of USC Greek swag fame so remember, I am not doing the shipping so I won’t know where your order is.  That said, I’ll be on my yacht drinking champagne and hoping sincerely your orders got filled.  Each order comes with a sticker.  I expect to see them everywhere.

CLICK HERE TO JOIN ME ON FACEBOOK
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BECAUSE I TWEET PROFESSIONALLY
I’M ON INSTAGRAM @LOSTANGELESBLOG – FIND ME ON GAMEDAY FOR BOURBON

28 Comments

Filed under USC Football

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

by | July 24, 2012

Did Penn State Get What It Deserved? A Trojan’s Take.

I admit to the brief moment of bloodlust when I heard the NCAA would be imposing sanctions on Penn State, despite this case having nothing to do with the NCAA’s laws regarding the line of pro and amateur athlete (apologies if you spit coffee through your nose laughing at the absurdity that the NCAA actually has a hand in that now).  I mean, this was a criminal case, not a case of amateurism in question.  This wasn’t the NCAA’s court.

I admit that I briefly felt what I preach never to feel:  That we want someone else to go through what the NCAA put on us for no reason that could hold up in any court of law.  I wanted someone who actually did something nefarious to experience a punishment worse than the baffling one given to us.

The truth is, I came off that high of wanting spilled blood and frayed blue and white scarves cut from the neck of Nittany Lions.  I mean, let’s be real. Is there any worse feeling than saying you are a Nittany Lion right now?  Nittany as a word is damned because so few outside of Happy Valley (worst name for a place that now is synonymous with child rape) know what it means.  Now, like Happy Valley, it’s just a weird East Coast word that reminds us of innocent children being abused in football locker rooms.  Dirty deeds in showers meant to wash away dirt.  Nittany is now a dirty word.

So, massive scholarship reductions for four years, 60 million in cash (the approx. revenue of a college football season for any of you still thinking this isn’t a business), a four year bowl ban and over a decade of forfeited wins (don’t worry, USC kicked their ass both times they faced so we didn’t cost anyone anything).  Players can transfer at will.  Hell, the running back might be coming to USC where the showers are for showering.  It’s a walking death penalty.  Penn State, the college football equivalent of a zombie and equally as creepy.

I am conflicted in how I feel.  There’s some things we need to separate.

There’s the criminal case and there’s the football situation.

From a criminal standpoint, the main call for justice was Batman’d and Jerry Sandusky is going to be in jail long after he’s dead.  Also, if you’ve seen any movies about prison, being a rapist isn’t a good thing.  Being a child rapist, even worse.  Especially when you are with murderers at a lunch table.  When you got someone looking to kill someone, that someone who raped children might be the someone that makes the most sense to whack.

There will be more criminal and civil investigation, heads will continue to roll and my sincerest hope is that this somehow gives the victims some modicum of peace, although I doubt any amount of money or justice can scrub your mind clean.  We aren’t hard drives.  There’s no delete button.

So let’s talk about the football program.

Do I think they NCAA got it right?

It’s complicated because they did although I don’t know how you think something is right coming from someone who by virtue of their very DNA cannot be right.  When you enter into the NCAA’s jurisdiction, you basically agree they can do whatever they want whenever they want.  Anyone who didn’t believe that does now after they nailed USC to the goalposts with 2 years of bowl bans, 30 schollies, free transfer rights despite the case being five years of soft evidence leveraged by Paul Dee, a man who probably died from guilt for condemning a program for needing high profile compliance when he was the Athletic Director of Miami.

Not to overblow things, but given the Nevin Shapiro hammer that will need to drop eventually, having Paul Dee preside over a compliance case is like having Sandusky preside over a kiddie porn trial.  I am not using hyperbole.  Nevin Shapiro paid for cocaine for players over a decade.  He got them hookers.  He even paid for an abortion for a player.  Improper benefits if I have ever seen them.  And this dude wasn’t a sports agent on the outside.  This guy was a booster.  He was on the field.  He was this fucking guy:

Yep.  The same guy who let a cocaine dealing, sex yacht chartering booster on the field for over a decade was the man leading the charge against USC leading to their sanctions.  You can’t make this shit up.  That’s why it’s hard to know how to feel about the NCAA hammering Penn State.

This is the NCAA.

We should be pissed anytime they judge anyone, even if Penn State was dirtier than a piece of pizza you find under your dorm couch (Paul Dee would have eaten it he is so corrupt, don’t ask me what Sandusky would have done with it and Paterno, well, he’d have looked the other way and ignored the pizza casually mentioning it to the maid who doesn’t speak English).

The Penn State football program needed to get hit hard, but it should have come from the school itself.  It should have come the minute Sandusky was found guilty.  They should have SHUT DOWN ALL ACTIVITIES for a year or two.

Here’s why.

FOOTBALL was the reason no one stood up and followed through.  If the women’s golf coach had raped little girls in the shower, does anyone think for a second they wouldn’t have strung that guy up in two minutes?  Of course they would because when women’s golf gets shut down, you don’t lose 60 million dollars in revenue.  It’s easy to make a stand until you realize you are cutting your own leg off.

And that’s why this got out of control.  That’s why the truth was ignored, overlooked, assumed dealt with, you name it.

Now, the NCAA stepped in and there’s no precedent set for them putting play penalties based on criminal acts.  I mean, think about it.  Oregon QB Jeremiah Massoli robbed someone, but it didn’t end up in sanctions for Oregon (of course neither did paying for influence with recruits).  The grandeur of these heinous PSU crimes is causing us all to freak out.

Paul Dee

It’s actually the death penalty (the actual death penalty) argument.  There’s a mistake in people who don’t understand why people are against killing a man who committed an unspeakable crime.  Without getting into my own opinion, I understand intellectually the argument anti-death penalty people try to make.  Sure, the rapist deserves to die, but should the government be in charge of doling out punishment?  Does the government ever get it wrong?  Has anyone ever been later released who was wrongfully incarcerated?  That’s the argument.  Not that someone shouldn’t die, but rather should a flawed system be doling it out?

I’m writing about football, my opinion on the previous point has nothing to do with how it applies here.  Besides Second Mile and Penn State, tell me another organization involved in this more corrupt than the NCAA?  I’m with Penn State being punished, but why by the NCAA?  We shouldn’t be so impressed with them.  I don’t trust them and them doing something to satisfy their fans feels like it is about business and preserving football, not reminding us that it is a game.

I get making them give back the money.  That’s right.  I get the ceremonial vacating of wins (doesn’t mean much), but I am sorry…  The NCAA is doing it again.  They are setting a precedent that makes no sense and will not tie into anything else.  They are throwing darts and making it harder for schools to comply in the absence of governance anyone can understand.

If we want to look at it reasonably, if USC got what it got for a “culture of non compliance” and basically one player taking money from a 3rd party (not USC or related to USC), you’re saying what Penn State got equals dozens of counts of child rape and looking the other way?  That’s the problem with this.

Reggie Bush takes money from a shady businessman and USC doesn’t know (or if you hate USC, let’s just go the distance and say they knew and ignored it).   That was good for 2 years of bowl bans, vacated wins, transfer rights, reduced scholarships and so on.   Let’s assume you think USC should have known, screwed the pooch and did everything they could to look the other way.

Are you telling me that serial child rape is only twice as bad?  Are you saying that what Penn State looked the other way on was even in the same universe as what USC was told they “should have known about”?   Not knew about and half-assed a report and then looked the other way.  SHOULD have known.

Penn State should not be allowed to be a university if we are trying to go apples to apples.  One of the punishments doesn’t fit the crime.  If we decide that it is okay for the NCAA to decide to rule on criminal action when it wants to, are we saying we are okay with them giving out random punishments whenever it wants?  Or not doing it at all (cough, cough Auburn)?

I’m not.  I think either Penn State got off easy or the NCAA needs to show the same balls they had in condemning Penn State after JoePa died and condemn the USC witch hunt now that Paul Dee is dead.  USC deserves and apology and since I know we aren’t getting one, I suggest we just take it in the form of winning all our games, locking up our #1 recruiting class and being glad that when sanctions are brought up, even if they look comparable on paper, ours are for not knowing about would-be agents as opposed to looking the other way about something insidious.

Mark Emmert

Unfortunately, with a governing body that has no process, there’s no chance there’s ever going to be equity in punishment or enforcement.  The NCAA and Mark Emmert bowed to the public sentiment.  Just like with USC.  People felt it wasn’t fair USC had celebs on the sidelines and treated it like a game and they got hammered with no precedent.  Penn State got the same thing.

But wait.  Am I saying Penn State was a victim?

No.

Everyone is a victim to the NCAA, so if everyone is a victim, in a way, no one is.  

You should hate the NCAA for punishing Penn State.  You should hate Penn State for not punishing themselves.

That’s the core message.  Penn State got what it had coming, but it got it from the wrong people.  The NCAA is the last entity you want stepping in and going rogue because as Trojans know, the next time it might not make sense.  The next time, it might be bullshit.  Penn State needed to learn that football should be second to many, many things in life, especially the welfare of children.

There are still PSU faithful that are missing the point.  Ex players upset about the sanctions.  Fans upset about Paterno’s legacy being tarnished.  Hell, the Paterno family is on a quest to find a way to separate JoePa and the crimes he didn’t do everything in his power to stop.  That is the problem.  When you are the figurehead of a program, you should never look the other way with something like this.  This wasn’t a 20 dollar handshake.  This wasn’t a car or a new house for a parent.  This was harboring a criminal of the worst kind.

Penn State Nation should be furious they thought taking the statue down was enough.  They should be furious they didn’t beat the NCAA to the punch and knock themselves out like Ed Norton in Fight Club.  The more they protest or try to preserve legacy, the more the quicksand holds them.

People knew the USC sanctions were bullshit.  There’s truth in every lie.  Were we too cavalier?  Probably.  Were we arrogant (hell yeah) about calling the NCAA’s bluff?  You bet.  They hammered us anyway.

The thing is here, we got to see two monsters.  We got to see Penn State thinking they could have a vigil and say some nice words and then keep playing the game that was the reason they covered up the crimes.  We also got to see the NCAA randomly jump in and make a ruling again.  Even if the ruling was right, the judge was dead wrong.

____________________________

The Bearfighter is back.  It is soon to be August.  The 2012 mission statement is almost ready.  Are you?

CLICK HERE TO JOIN ME ON FACEBOOK
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BECAUSE I TWEET PROFESSIONALLY
I’M ON INSTAGRAM @LOSTANGELESBLOG – FIND ME ON GAMEDAY FOR BOURBON

39 Comments

Filed under USC Football

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

by | May 9, 2012

To Those Graduating from USC (or perhaps other schools).

I realize this post may not apply to many of you, but that’s okay.  At one point it will or did.

This post is to USC’s senior class that stands to graduate shortly.  This class is special to me for many reasons, but that is not the point of this post.  The point of this post is to break a bottle of champagne (or bourbon, but who’d waste that?) on the hull of your departing ships.  You assholes are in for a wild ride.  You should probably watch Girls, Lost in Translation and several violent 90s action movies.  Anytime I have a bad day at work I think about how Bruce Willis killed a whole building filled with terrorists in Century City in the 80s.  Or how Arnold was forced to fight for his life in a game show that got ripped off 1000 times until you got stuck with the Hunger Games. But yeah, graduating seniors.

May the odds be every in your favor, and if they aren’t, give the odds the middle finger, kill a terrorist and take his machine gun.

This class is special to me.  The blog started their freshman year (I think).  They were vocal during the sanctions era.  Members of this class have brought me to tailgates and kept me young.  They’ve worn my t-shirts and campaigned for me when ESPN shows up.  They’ve brought me to campus to speak and I’ve helped get them hired as interns.  I’ve spoken at their Order of Omega retreat and they’ve made me look cool in front of my wife lining up to spill bourbon with me.  I’ve hung with them  in Vegas and possibly used illuminated pool floatie noodles to make dubstep-timed photocopies of them and total strangers for no good reason.  They’ve escorted me to the 9-0 even though the 9-0 should be the 10-0 or 11-0 at this point it’s so much cleaner than in my early 2000s days.  Someone I won’t name punched someone I won’t name (I think because of me, I wasn’t all there at the time) and the worst part of it wasn’t a man getting cold cocked by a woman at a bar, the worst part was falling to your knees and getting the sludge on the floor all over you.  You can’t just clean it off you.

The point is, this last year because of these seniors, not only have I experienced incredible personal benefits, I have really been brought into the community in the best possible way, by students.  Arrogant Nation was always for the current students.  My alumni readership understands that.  When we support Arrogant Nation, it’s a connection between past and present, it’s a hope that the current kids (despite the fact that now you need to be smart as hell to get into USC) uphold the old school arrogant ways our forealums set in motion. The minute we simply rely on our big endowment and high admission standards, the sooner we turn into Stanford, which even when I visited it in 8th grade drove me to become more outgoing so I’d always talk to girls and cool dudes so I never ended up like the kids I met there in the cafeteria who looked like they missed the memo that college is supposed to be the best time of your life, and if not, it at least should be the most buckwild.

This senior class has delivered.  They are arrogant, they are loyal and they are smart.  So now what? Sparta, bitches.

As you no doubt have realized, this is the scene in the 300 where they send your ass out into the cold and basically say, “Don’t fucking come back until you kill a huge ass wolf and find killing wolves hilarious”.

Shocking as it may be to those who haven’t heard me speak at SC, I didn’t leave college a bearfighter.  I had to learn these skills in the wild through getting my ass handed to me, questioning everything and then learning what things about me posed significant matchup problems for the opposition.  I’ve used this very blog to make things happen for me in my life.  The best way to learn is just to do.

That’s why Nike says “just do it”.  In fact “just do it” is said before most of the best most epic and worst most epic decisions in your life.  Those are the ones you are going to want to seek out and learn from.

Some of you have plans.  There’s MBA kid or LSAT kid or MCAT kid.  They can tend to freak you out Comm/Film/Liberal Arts/Music/Poli Sci majors.  Don’t worry.  Let me be the first to say, the path isn’t what makes you “make it”.  It’s how hard you run forward and how fast you swing the machete and how fearlessly you commit yourselves to that path. Some of you will have low starting salaries, some of you will have high starting salaries.  Believe me though, your hourly rates will probably be similar.

I remember a lawyer friend of mine blowing my mind.  They were making almost 2.5 times my annual salary, but while I was pre-screening HBO shows and working on top of a motorcycle shop in WeHo, they were dropping 90+ hour weeks, not coming to happy hours and falling off the face of the fucking planet. I am not knocking them, that particular lawyer now is well on their way to being a partner and their hours have downgraded from suicidal to weekend warrior.  The point is, he and I make about the same at this point.  We took vastly different roles.  He worked crazy hard and was rewarded.  I got fired twice, survived cancer for the second time, contemplated switching careers, sold some writing and then ended up a mad man strategizing digital and social ads.  We both probably ran around the same amount.  We both ended up pretty much the same.  That’s because at some point for both of us, we learned to work hard, take responsibility and own our failures as much as our successes.  That said, I’m glad I work in video games (no offense buddy!)

My point is that the kid who tries to intimidate you with their “plan” is super insecure and feels like your self-doubt might fuel them.  Fuck that noise, friends.  Just say “hope that works out for you”.  Your job is to be a bearfighter.  Honestly, the best things I did for myself in business all had to do with making relationships, putting others before myself and having the courage to bite off more than I could chew.

When everyone talks about a bad economy, it’s easy to use it as an excuse.  Sure, it may take you a while to find work.  It took me from May to October to get a job out of college, but now, I have a big network and plenty of places to look if I had to.  Also, regardless of how hard you plan a perfect career, you will lose a job, you will get a promotion, you will fail in the face of success and definitely succeed in the face of failure.  The only thing YOU can control is how hard you work and by the same token, how much shit you can take without turning into a whiner.

I always think back to the only cool Oregon Duck, Steve Prefontaine, who made running a rockstar occupation.  The dude was lazers and glow sticks and pool parties.  Rent the film “Without Limits” and watch it and think about it every damn time you face adversity.  Honestly, I’ve run 2 marathons because of this film because I wanted to know how far I could push it.  Here’s a few quotes from “Pre” that every Trojan should understand (well, quotes from the film at least)

“I’d like to work it out so that in the end, it comes down to a pure guts race. If it is, I’m the only one who can win it.” – Steve Prefontaine

And then this scene, which has been my mantra.  It’s all about bearfighting.

Mary Marckx: You don’t really believe you can do anything. Steve Prefontaine: Absolutely. Mary: Fly a plane? Pre: Well, sure. If I wanted, you read the manual and get the best teaching and… take off. Mary: Steve, not everything can be learned, ya know, I mean, some things take talent. Pre: Whoa. Let me tell you something. Talent is a myth, Mary. There’s a dozen guys on the team with more talent in their little finger. Mary: Then how come you can beat them? Pre: A little secret I learned a long time ago, in Coos Bay, in the woods. Mary: So what’s your little secret? The one you learned a long time ago. Pre: I can endure more pain than anyone you’ve ever met. That’s why I can beat anyone I’ve ever met. 

Being tested is the best feeling in the world.  Not at the time, but to get through it and see you can?  That’s what Fight Club was about (and a lot of other stuff).  It’s about the first time you put on football pads and get absolutely ROCKED and then you get up and see you are still alive.  Like you did something that day.  There’s a nobility about being able to take a punch and throw one back.  Nothing is more demoralizing to the enemy than for them to think they’ve put you down only to find out the opposite.  You are stronger now.

I don’t advocate revenge, but I do advocate proving everyone wrong.  People have stronger times and more vulnerable times.  You need endurance and patience and a little bit of perverse arrogance to be a success.  When you are wronged or kicked in the teeth, get back up and keep going and make a note about who got you.  You are like a tiger.  You will hunt them forever.

Realistically, the world doesn’t like people that need to put other people down to make it.  By the time you have the perfect chance to have your moment of glory with them, most likely the world will have dragged them down and you’ll be doing so much better that the whole thing seems petty.  Most of my enemies I can’t remember at this point, so in a way, they aren’t really enemies anymore.

The way to get ahead in the real world is to bring your friends and co-workers with you.  The number one key to success after how hard you work and how many punches you can take is simply being the kind of person other want to succeed.

Stay late and help with other projects, meet people on other teams or departments.  Go to happy hour when you are young because you will get married, have kids and as foreign as this sounds, you will want to spend all your time with your significant other.  That’s why your Dad isn’t at the 9-0 with you.  He’s at home with his best friend.  (That said I’ve drank at the 9-0 with some Dads and exceptions to the rule are awesome.  Embrace them).

That brings me to the next point.  Dating is about to change and it will factor into your real world life.  In a big way.  You are going to have friends that just start nesting and getting engaged really soon.  The first year or so will be a blur.  It will be like college.  You won’t have crazy work responsibility, you will have some grad school friends, you will meet up at bars and feel kind of poor.  It’s a great time.  I recommend you enjoy this period.  I lived in a magically Never-Neverland Narnia Middle Earth for a year after I graduated and it was amazing.

The thing is, the nesting will start and you need to not hate your friends who have life changes.  People are going to run different races and you need to respect that.  Some will act like assholes and tell you far, far too much about their plans unsolicited.  Don’t worry.  They will get married, you will have fewer chances to see each other and eventually, systematically removing them from your life is as simple as not returning that 2x yearly call to meet up at some awful Italian place that they like but no one else does. Do NOT be sentimental.  Friends will change.  The key for you is to move at the speed of your life and relationships.  Don’t waste energy being a hater, even on people hating on you.  Life will work it out and at some point you will probably feel bad for them about something, if you even think about them at all.  I don’t even remember what I ate yesterday let alone what or who I was mad about five years ago.  If we haven’t talked, you aren’t on my mind, and thus, we’re all good.  If you are, we’re probably drinking soon.  People from the first list need only invite you for a drink to be present of mind again.  It’s a cycle.  Life works it out.  I just don’t want you to miss an opportunity because you are being spiteful about someone you care about’s life moving in a direction that makes no sense.  It only needs to make sense to them.

Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.

Choose your circle based on how their lives work with yours.  I have been in a 3 year period of amazing dinners, trips and bachelor parties leading into weddings.  Your great friends who are just happy for your wins will probably marry people that you like.  My friends’ wives are some of my best friends now and I think they’d say the same about my wife, mostly because I found her and how bad could anyone I spend all day and night with be.  She’s better than finding $100 in every pocket of every piece of clothing you own for six months straight.

So in case you need all of this summed up, here goes:

Work harder than anyone else.  Don’t take it personally when life kicks you in the balls (or female equivalent).  Enjoy the feeling of taking a punch.  Project what you want to happen to your friends and find out what they want.  Help them get what they want and they will do the same.  Don’t be sentimental about relationships.  The best people work hard to be around you and it isn’t hard work.  It’s a reward for hard work (and not being sentimental).  Always forgive but never forget.  Don’t sweat your ex (high school, college, confusing “Girls” style quarterlife dating partners, failed fiance/fiancee, ex-spouse).  They are probably good people and probably important to where you are now, even if it’s just to know what you hate.  If you can root for them to be happy, you probably are great at finding happiness for yourself.  Let life sort itself out.  Don’t borrow trouble.  You will find plenty.  Determine the things you can control and aggressively attack those things.  If you can’t control it, focus on learning to deal with it.  Marry the person you want to allocate the most of your time with.  That doesn’t sound romantic, but when you find it, you will realize it’s the most romantic thing ever.  Time is everything and short of a big ass engagement ring, it’s the most valuable asset you have.  Just watch that bad movie with Timberlake and Amanda Seyeysufired.

You may want to put this in life, Helvetica and turn it into a poster.  It’s the shitty version of the beginning of Trainspotting, which I hope you have seen even though it was before your time.

Pretty soon, you will wake up and for the first time in your life your name won’t be on a list of somewhere you are supposed to be.  No one will be expecting you.  Don’t be scared.  Enjoy the deep breath life is affording you.  When you have collected yourself, stumble, sprint and ramble hard into your life.  Endless possibilities.  In 2001 when I graduated high school, there was no formal social media to speak of and now, I get to direct an entire division of smart, cool people using it to sell video games.  And I went to film school.  My father was a history major and runs a television station.  Life is a trip.

You got not idea what’s coming and you don’t need to.  Just figure out how you want to run the race and worry about the course at each turn.

I ask only one thing of you as you move forward.  Fight hard and enjoy it.  Actually, two things.  Please make sure your younger friends, lil bros and sisters read this blog.  I have no idea how long I will keep doing it.  Like I said, I work hard to not be sentimental.  We may win the Natty next year and I may retire.  I have no idea other than that there is still gas in this tank.

Thanks for being a part of Arrogant Nation and growing it.  Now, at tail gates, we will be fellow alum.

In the words of Hunter S. Thompson, “Buy the ticket.  Take the Ride”.

And you’re off…

CLICK HERE TO JOIN ME ON FACEBOOK
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BECAUSE I TWEET PROFESSIONALLY

24 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

by | April 26, 2012

STFU and Let Me Fix the BCS

I know there will be naysayers to my suggestions.  There will be so-called football logicians that will give me some hot from the farm bullshit as to why this won’t work or why it simply isn’t feasible.  Let me respond to you first to save you the trouble and be clear.  If you hate this plan, you hate the following seven things:

  1. America
  2. Americans
  3. Football
  4. Indiana Jones
  5. Bacon Wrapped Hot Dogs
  6. Freedom
  7. Killing Bears

I am starting to hear a lot of the early reports about the death of the traditional BCS and the new +1 format and all the iterations of it that are being thrown around.  I know we’re in for something that solves nothing because Larry Scott is actually making sense about killing Rose Bowl tradition and SEC’s PR engine skewing who gets in the dance.  Let’s be honest, once they threw out the “having to win you conference clause”, the SEC was planning how they could just get all four teams in.  I mean, I know we’re all stoked to see some more epic LSU and Bama matchups where as good as the defensive personnel is, run offenses that should hang above cribs to help babies go to sleep.

So let’s be clear, the following seven things will need to happen to allow my plan to work:

  1. Someone tazes the SEC and negotiates while they are passed out
  2. Wait for the SEC to drink to much, drag it to a barn and have it wake up naked in the sheep pen and negotiate while they are putting the pieces back together
  3. Have a structure that conceivably allows more than 2 SEC teams in
  4. Have a structure that conceivably allows more than 2 teams from any conference in
  5. When SEC wakes up, hit them in head with lead pipe and drive them towards the US-MEXICO border in a car filled with narcotics and let them explain it while we finish negotiating
  6. Don’t add games to the schedule
  7. Make sure everyone gets paid like a motherfucker

The big concern for years was adding games to the schedule.  Let’s fix that a couple ways.  For one, everyone plays 8 conference games now.  Let’s cap it at that (you heard me Larry Scott).  We’re cutting that back.  We’re also cutting down 2 preseason games.  It will hurt USC being able to go to Hawaii, but it will eliminate that weekend or two where you get treated to Ohio State vs Youngstown State or LSU vs Louisiana Tech or Florida vs Florida Inter-fucking-national.  Those games are just about home games and money.  Last week, the University of Florida cut it’s science department and raised the budget for athletics.  A school that takes money away from science for football doesn’t deserve more games.  They should just be rich like USC and pay for everything.  Duh.  Read a manual, South.

What we want from a playoff is killer matchups, a true display of conference vs conference to eliminate (or foster) bias for SEC (if they really are the best, let’s prove it and let them own it, I just never see it when they play USC), a spot for all 6 big conferences, room for more teams who are deserving in the public opinion.

So, here’s my plan.

  1. 8 team tournament
  2. Winners of each conference plus 2 at-large teams selected by ranking
  3. Conference winner must have no more than 2 losses or the spot goes to a new at-large spot.

Now I am not touching the scheduling of games or where they need to be.  I mean, the fact is we can shave the games off the schedule and generate 3 weeks of playoffs.  What’s even better is other bowls can bond together and form other tournaments that would be big for making statements for the next year.

The most important part of extending to 8 teams is simply that all conference champions (assuming they only lost 2 games) will get a shot to defend their conferences honor.  As good as the SEC is, they rarely play elite OOC games.  Not that most schools do, but when you factor that USC has voluntarily scheduled Auburn, Arkansas, Kansas State, Nebraska, Ohio State, Notre Dame and Texas (can’t wait) makes it hard to take the fact the LSU got Oregon at a neutral site that seriously.

It’s not that the SEC wouldn’t win those games, but we’d all like to see.  The south watches a lot of football and thus, they get a lot of special treatment.  So does USC normally because we’re interesting, like a hot girl who wears black rimmed glasses when she studies.  The thing is, when USC gets in trouble, the world tries to drop them.  When the SEC does, they sweep it under the rug because the South prints money for football.  In Florida, they cut science degrees for it.  Computer Science, because we all know that them there internet thang ain’t catchin’ on any them there time soon.

If a champ loses two games, drop them.  If you look at the season ending records, the best teams drop 2 or less.  If they drop 3, then they are subject to the at large process which is polls.  It’s the eyeball test.  This is, as Teague Egan would say, “crucial, brah” because it will still foster the kinds of circular, pointless debates ESPN gets off on (and frankly milks for 24 hours so they have content) by debating who the final 2-3 teams that get in are, but it will not be as passionate a fight as a four team will create.

Let’s get real.  4 teams is just going to be 2 SEC teams every year with the Big Ten, Big 12 and Pac 12 fighting for 2 spots.  Schools like Ohio State play easy schedules in the Big Ten (sorry, it’s an awful conference every year since the spread happened and if you would like to argue, please don’t do so to a USC fan who has seen Iowa, Ohio State, Michigan, Illinois and Penn State all in winning seasons barely compete) and they travel well so they will always get a spot.   Last year, out of nowhere, the Pac 12 was probably the 2nd best conference at the top.  If I give LSU and Alabama their cred, the Pac 12 had 3 teams in the AP top 6 going into the bowls when USC was too handsome to participate.

The point I am making is that when money is involved, 9 of 10 times the final slot is going to Oklahoma, Texas or USC.  That’s just revenue.  We don’t have details yet, but I am of the mind that the polls are rigged and that things work out the way the money goes.  Every time.

Look, I’m not complaining because USC is treated well when they are playing well.  But the POINT of a playoff is to see the fucking teams PLAY OFF.

Four teams will leave us wondering.  Eight would as well, but if you can’t finish in the top 8, how relevant were you really.  What we really want at the core is to see all the shit-talking culminate with some ass-on-the-line competition.  Is a four team playoff going to do that?  This is one of those cases where it’s better than it is now, but that doesn’t mean it’s good.  Eight teams would give you the most mind-blowing matchups over a month.

To finish top 8, you have to be elite.  The regular season still really matters.  2 losses may be too much.  The only way to get in is to not lose, but with polls mattering, maybe we’ll see some good OOC games for a change as teams try to have a better resume going in.  Nothing sucks more than getting excited for the season and being rewarded with highlights of Alabama dropping 70 points on UAB.  ROLL TIDE…

Would love to hear your thoughts.  I expect some awesome hate mail to get me ready for Bachelorette season.  Stay tuned for all that and of course, my arrogant season preview sometime in early August.  It’s all written in my head already.

Lastly, to my USC seniors, good luck squeezing the last drops of college out until you realize you haven’t gone far at the first tailgate come next season.  You’re a Trojan for life, no matter what they throw at you.  You can’t sanction that kind of thing.

CLICK HERE TO JOIN ME ON FACEBOOK
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BECAUSE I TWEET PROFESSIONALLY

12 Comments

Filed under USC Football

Tagged as , , , , ,