Tag Archives: Matt Barkley

by | November 24, 2012

Arrogant Game Preview: Notre Dame

I want you to watch this clip.  Got it?  Did your eyeballs drink that in?  Good, because that’s the most you will ever root for Notre Dame.  You will root for Notre Dame when a Disney version of a true story (Rudy sells used cars now) stars the fat hobbit, the cast of Swingers (“he’s so little!”) and has a song track better than most fight songs.

Outside of that, the film only acts as a historical reference point for you to realize how much these Irish fans care about this football team.  You Dad could think you are a failure until you go to Notre Dame.  Your brother could hate you until you go to Notre Dame.  Your girl leaves you for  your other brother and playing for Notre Dame is all that matters.  You keep getting rejected from fucking going to Notre Dame and you still want to help paint the helmets.

All of this and these people are fighting to drive hours out of Chicago, where it’s awesome, to toil in South Bend, Indiana which except on game day is the most depressing place I have ever been.  Yes, the grotto is pretty.  Sure, there’s a sense of nature.  But if we are talking grottos, I’ll take the one at the Playboy Mansion in Holmby Hills ever single time.  If that’s sacrilegious  apologies, but let’s keep it real “football fan”, it’s probably a bigger crime not to choose that grotto with the half naked girls and millionaire in a smoking jacket who just wants you to party.

It’s gameday and I can say that it’s the strangest I’ve ever experienced.  ESPN is on campus, but our fans don’t seem to be.  ESPN is simply advertising that for the first time since you had a cassette player, Notre Dame is a win away from the title game.  They are a win away from waking up their echoes.

Now, I have been calling Notre Dame a paper tiger all season.  Time to find out.

I am not going to bullshit anyone today (unless I end up at a farmer’s market and need to haggle for a WWII pistol).  I don’t think our season is defined by this game.  I don’t think Max Wittek needs to look like Matt Barkley for him to end up the next great Trojan quarterback.  I don’t even think it matters if Notre Dame wins because as much as I think the SEC is a myth, this Notre Dame team isn’t going to be the one to prove it unless they teach Manti Teo to play all positions on both sides of the field.

This game matters because when you are in a rivalry, you either get fed or get fed on.  How often do you get to be “spoiler” Arrogant Nation?  It doesn’t really matter what bowl we go to, I just hope we have a team that is cool to play as a litmus test.  This game doesn’t matter to something larger, to some sequence of 1s and 0s that determine if we “look good” in the computers.  All we have to do is look good in our uniforms.

We can throw deep.  We can run trick plays.  We can be assholes all day and if we lose, okay, we went for it, we played like historical Trojans.  If we win, we fuck over one of the most myopic, self-aggrandizing, but insecure fan bases in the history of fans and bases.  The Notre Dame fan knows they’ve been irrelevant for so long and every time they get close, they Chicago Cub it.

Not historically, I respect ND’s traditions, successes and so on.  Shaking Coach Parseghian’s hand at the Bush Push game was a sporting highlight for me.   Notre Dame fans on game day (save that one who called her priest at halftime to ask God to fire Willingham before the 3rd quarter) are some of the most polite I’ve enjoyed playing.  Their fathers teach their sons the joys of our rivalry, not the kind where you ban a marching band, but the kind where bold traditions take in each other and want to prove theirs is best.

Ours has been best for a long time, a reversal from the previous trend, which was preceded by many reversals before it.  Notre Dame and USC is a magical rivalry and this year with the Bruins proved it.

UCLA beat us 13-9 and made t-shirts celebrating us not going to the national championship.  We then went to the Rose Bowl.

Winning today would be more than just playing spoiler.  This would be reminding Notre Dame that when we started the greatest inter-sectional rivalry in sport, they accepted that the road to an undefeated season would always go through Troy.  And we committed our road would always have to go a really long way through cow pastures into a part of Indiana Google Earth doesn’t even take satellite pictures of.

UCLA shutting us out of the title that year hurt, it hurt because they are our cross town rival and their culture is so at odds with ours.  It feels awful to lose to a school who doesn’t actually care about football at all and their traditions are stale, the kind that no one outside the Pac 12 knows.

Michigan knows Conquest as we know Hail to the Victors.  Traveler and the Dotting of the I can stand in the same hallowed hall.  Our song girls sweaters have sent heartbeats racing for decades just as there is not one college football fan who doesn’t know the tune of Wake Up the Echoes or the image of Touchdown Jesus looking down on the field.

When tradition faces tradition for high stakes, it is a chance to write your name in a real history book.  When we stop Notre Dame today, for this bearfighter at least, it will be with respect to their tradition and enjoyment that this defeat is dealt with our own tradition to burn into their memory.  They can sing our fight song as well as we reluctantly can sing theirs.

Max Wittek, who I have liked for a long time, gets to have the most imposing first start since Matt Leinart, another Mater Dei legacy, walking into #1 ranked Auburn’s Jordan-Hare Stadium and put them down 24-0.  He was a big guy like Wittek and I admit, I am excited to see a 6’4″ QB again (I know Matt Leinart was 6’5″).  I am excited to see a big arm air it out and to see that moxie that could make for a classic game.

It’s our tradition against theirs.  It’s good for the game.  It’s good for us.  It’s an opportunity to have new heroes be made and old ones to write final chapters.  There’s nothing I’d rather be doing than taking this one in and that includes riding a supermodel as a surfboard at Jaws with everyone on earth cheering for me and making me bourbon-based drinks.

I have no prediction.  I don’t want one this week.  I just want their band to play and our band to play.  I want our teams to hit the field and go to war.  And when the dust settles, I want to hear Conquest.  I want to flip on ESPN and watch Lou Holtz apologize.

This season has been marked by too many expectations and confusion of what the purpose is.  Today is a beautiful reminder that the point is simple.  The point is to destroy our opponent and hopefully in a manner that is worthy of our greatest rivalry.  We all know what they have to lose.  I am excited about what we have to gain.

spotting in Mammoth

 

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by | November 19, 2012

AGR: UCLA, but Something More

Let’s get it out of the way.  It’s never fun to lose to UCLA.  It reminds me of the one other time that happened since I became a Trojan.  I remember losing a silly 13-9 game that at the time felt significant because a win would have put us into the national title and UCLA coach Karl Dorell finally had a signature win.  It took forever to get out of the golf course where UCLA parks our cars.  We took plenty of shit from Bruin fans who had trouble knowing how to gloat, it had been so long since they won.

In a way, it felt like the loss this weekend.  Again, USC spotted a massive early lead, coughed the ball up too much and played a well-prepared team.  I am, despite the nature of my blog, not a homer.

UCLA is much improved on the field, their bandwagon fans are still the same petty crowd.  I am hoping the actual alumni of the school enjoy the win and the promise that Coach Mora has them a far, far more complete team than we’ve seen since Pete Carroll’s first season.  Things definitely could trend well for us both, this could eventually become a rivalry again.  Like I said, the road to this meaning more to Trojans would ultimately start with a loss.  Good on you, Bruins.  You did it.

What I would critique are the Bruin fans, not the ones you know from your office who are employed, but their bandwaggoners celebrating still the idea that sanctioning our marching band was good or being proud of Barr ending the college career of Matt Barkley, who has stood for nothing but everything the college game is supposed to be about.

I don’t expect a basketball school where players are one and done always to understand what Barkley did, but I would expect not to be proud of injuring a player who gave up a lot to keep playing for his school.  This is a guy who goes on philanthropic trips to Africa and to Haiti, a guy who was a good friend when I had a serious illness and a guy who regardless of if you like USC or not, is a guy you want on your team.

UCLA won the game and being stoked on that makes you normal.  Being stoked Barkley got injured makes you a college football hater.  One of the great joys in my life as a sports fan was seeing Vince Young play in that Rose Bowl.  It was hard to see him so dominant, but the last thing I’d have wanted was for him to get hurt.  That’s not what this is about.

Literally promoting an animated gif about a college athlete getting hurt makes every point I offered last week for me.  That’s not something I’d ever want to see a Trojan do to a Bruin.  Kill your spirits, your team, your hopes.  Sure.  Have at it.  Celebrate an injury? Where’s Bill Plaschke now to tie his “respect” column to this latest show of sportsmanship…

The SC game was mostly over by the time the injury happened, so that’s not a factor here.  What is a factor is feeling joy for the pain of someone who may influence a star player on UCLA one day to stick around and show pride in their school.  We already know Hundley knows how to throw up our Victory V.  I am sure Bruins hope he takes another cue from USC quarterbacks, especially Barkley.

Also, for the record, banning the field stab still was a cheap move.  It had nothing to do with the outcome of the game and had the band done it, UCLA would have had even more to celebrate.  Just have to keep that clear, while I totally give it up to the players on the field and the coaches for earning a big win.

I’d rather focus the remainder of this post on our own fans and to take a moment to remember Matt Barkley’s career here as it would seem the Max Wittek era begins a bit early.  Fear not, Max, we’re behind you and the last Mater Dei quarterback to have his first start against a #1 team won 24-0.

Trojans, it sucks to have a season not play out the way we expected, but it doesn’t suck to go to USC.  As I always say, we’ll win again and way more than we’ll lose.  UCLA fans feeling excited know this too.  The thing is, those of you who blamed Barkley for interceptions or stick this all on the coaching need to take a moment off.

First, Barkley needs to be absolved.  If you ran around your office like the rest of us did when he said he’d come back, then you need to stand up and clap for him now that his time as a Trojan is over.

Come draft time, I am going to write a recap of Matt’s time at USC, Matty Trojan, the best we’ve had in my tenure.  Get on the right side of this argument or stop reading this blog.  I’m not your voice if you don’t appreciate Matt from game one to now.  I’m adamant about this.

It’s Thxgiving week, Portland is quiet.  90% of that has to do with the Ducks losing, which in a schaedenfraude sort of way made this weekend a little sunnier.  I was at self storage still getting my condo settled when I saw two Ducks fans fresh from the game.  It took all my humility not to be like “what happened, didn’t see the game”.

Having to eat a little Bruin humble pie had me decide to go with that pie theme, celebrate Thxgiving early and just put good vibes into the football universe.

After all, we get to play Notre Dame next week in what might as well be the National Title game for them.  Not used to playing spoiler when the Dodgers aren’t in season, so let’s relish it.

Right now, let’s hope Matt is doing well and getting good prognoses for his draft training, let’s hope Max Wittek is stoked to take the reins and let’s leave the Kiffin talk for another year.  We need his recruiting, his father is out as D coordinator and the truth is, until sanctions are officially over, I still think he’s the best man for the job.  We just need to get him some help so the details don’t get missed.

FTFO and stay dry out there.

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by | November 16, 2012

Arrogant Game Preview: UCLA

I delayed this post a day and promised it would be my most arrogant in ages, maybe ever.  How’s this for a start:  It’s going to be the most arrogant of all time.  Why?  I’ve already baked the cake.  I’m just waiting to serve you a piece.

This year more than any other, I took it upon myself to leverage the incredible level of influence you, Arrogant Nation, have given me to completely expose to the universe everything we’ve always known UCLA to be.  I could sling adjectives and nouns to try and describe at length, but I’ll leave it at UCLA is that tattle-tale, snot-nosed tool on the playground who tried to tell the teacher on you, but got his ass jumped in the parking lot in front of a bunch of hot chicks and years later, regardless of whether he ended up a butcher or a businessman, knows that he probably deserved it for going out of his way to be such a perfect punching bag.

I am hell with a pen and you knew I was going to let missiles fly.  You knew I was going to pull out all the stops.  And I did.  And it worked.  It worked enough that SportsCenter made the story of UCLA “banning” our freaking marching band from stabbing a sword five inches into the 50 yard line a national punchline, not just a local embarrassment.

Let me clue you in.  When ESPN decides to air a story about you banning a marching band, the whole country sees you for that tattle-tale nerd on the playground.  The country wants you to get jumped behind the playground.  That’s because college football is about traditions or it would be the NFL.  It’s about you pissing off your rival and your rival pissing you off.  The best part?  Right after, you get to play football against them.  For a school that claims to be academically prestigious, you are really missing the point.  I understand though.  Basketball started and as bandwagon football fans, you are probably only half-paying attention.

When Notre Dame issues a statement that they’ve never banned USC’s 41 year tradition that is a hallmark of the mise en scene of college football tradition (that a Bruin would never understand), they are saying that you guys don’t get it.  When Notre Dame is giving you lessons on “getting it”, drown yourself in your dorm toilets.  Notre Dame is the school that grows their grass longer to slow USC down.  They don’t have an issue with our drum major stabbing their 50 yard line and they have lost as much as you have to us in the last decade or so.

Let’s get down to it.

Tomorrow is the day.  Kudos to our cuddly, football-deficient friends renting in Westwood in the shadows of our Bel-Air Trojan homes.  They have created the perfect confluence of factors to actually make us care this year.  And their mascot not only is a bear, but a total pussy who brings his girlfriend to football games.  I know a fan is going to come on here and tell me they are brother and sister or something.  Let me cut you off.  I don’t give a fuck.

It’s better than the bear statue on campus who looks like he’s midway through getting a catheter put in:

The thing is, no matter what they would have you believe, they aren’t proud of this.  Not the Bruins I know (of the non web troll kind).  They think their AD is stupid for this.  They didn’t want to get us fired up for the game.

UCLA as an athletic department just has no concept of PR, advertising or general self-respect.  Before you respond, consider that Bruin Nation, the “blog” that was petitioning for UCLA to ban the field stab in the first place spent most of last year trying to get AD Dan Guerrero fired for all the things they embody themselves.

From down the street in the “hood” as they’d call it, we can see it pretty clearly.  You’re whiners.  You are the guys that ditch practice as a tradition (true).  You are the guys who carried a coach you fired off the field (true).  You are the guys who petitioned the NCAA to play in a bowl with a 6-7 record despite knowing that would tie you with North Texas for worst team to be invited to a bowl (true).  You are the guys who then lost that bowl and own the solo distinction as “worst team ever to play in a bowl” at 6-8 (true).  That was last year (true).

You are the guys who print a newspaper ad that says “the football monopoly in Los Angeles is over” just because you hired a coach who ended up losing every game he coached against USC (true).  You are the guys who had a coach who issued the statement “the gap has closed” between our football team and your intramural team only to lose 50-0 (true).  You are the guys who replaced that coach with a coach who used the murder of two USC grad students as a recruiting ploy in an LA Times interview saying “murdered two blocks from campus” even though the only murder two blocks from campus was 50-0 (true).

You are the guys who literally let a coach “wave a white towel”, the international signal for “stop shooting at us”, as a pump up during games (true).

You are a PR nightmare with a football problem.

Look, none of us are proud of the kid who deflated balls to try and help USC win a game.  Frankly, it made me sick.  I am glad they fired him and in a way, I am glad we lost because I’d hate to win that way.  When we beat you tomorrow, we’ll play Oregon at Oregon for the title and we’ll make it right, win or lose.

None of us are proud of what Reggie Bush and his family did, even if none of your seasonal fair weather football fans understand what happened.  Let me help.

Still, we didn’t like taking down a Heisman.  I am making a point that when we do wrong, it’s bad and we can own it.  Who owned sanctions more than I did?  How many fucking shirts did we sell?  When life hands me lemons, I sell them and buy a yacht.  In space.

The thing is, we can still be proud of our school because we’re not the kind of wimps who ban marching bands from their traditions just because in a year where you don’t have to play Washington or Oregon, you find yourself 8-2 and decide this year you DEMAND respect damnit!  Never mind the country still remembers this rivalry more for 50-0 than anything else, so this whiny sanctioning of a band makes you look, what’s the medical term?  Butt hurt.

Take it from me, scoring a touchdown this year will go a lot farther in gaining respect (a point even SportsCenter made, yeesh) than sanctioning a fucking marching band like the narcs you are.  Why don’t you report the kid smoking weed in your dorm while your at it?  Tackle the kid stealing a piece of gum from 7-11.

So, in a year where it’d have been enough that you are 8-2 and we are 7-3, that you are ranked higher than us in the AP and that the winner of this game goes to the Pac 12 Championship, you decide to toss me a match in the dry hillsides of Southern California.  Our fan base has waited all year for a unifying moment, for what this season that started with national title hopes means now that we’re not playing in that game no matter what we do to you.

The Bearfighter reminded them by using that match to light a molotov cocktail and set the Southland ablaze with his super-strong arm because he tossed the bottle from the Pacific Northwest.

I decided to burn this motherfucker down and it started with a tweet:

Not that tweet, but a string of tweets just like it.

 

 

 

Then everyone caught on…

What continued was me just tweeting under the #UCLArequests hashtag made up examples of other things your school requested now that apparently marching bands can hurt your feelings.

To say it went viral would be like saying Outbreak was about the sniffles.  Former USC players, sports bloggers and all of Trojan Nation participated posting #UCLArequests at a clip of something like 3-5 tweets a minute.  And it hasn’t stopped.  Two days later.

It became a trending topic in Los Angeles.  It’s led to media coverage.  It’s got our whole fan base in an uproar and more than anything, we’ve gotten a lot of good laughs at your expense, which we usually have to wait to get when you do things like BAN FUCKING MARCHING BANDS YOU WHINERS.

Matt Leinart came out of retirement to retweet something from my homie Alex Holmes who got over 400 RTs on his post, which I’d argue is more RTs than UCLA has gotten about their football team across all tweets all year.

Can I back that stat up?  Fuck you.

 

The point is, the hashtag and meme went viral because no one has any trouble seeing what you missed:  you sanctioned a marching band and confused college football for politics.  Some sick part of me will be fine if you win because maybe you will learn to respect the sport. That, again, starts with scoring a touchdown this year.  And teaching your quarterback not to throw up TWO victory v’s when you have a big win.

So, now it’s about a football game.  You’ve lost 12 of 13.  You would need to win every game for two decades to even call this a rivalry (or at least take down the PCC champion banners you hang like they were national titles, I feel like if we listed all our PCC to Pac 10 titles we’d need more room than a stadium wrapped around 100 yards offers).

You’ll get your chance, Saturday Bruins.  You’ll get your chance to defend that sacred home field that you never cared about until the Pac 12 put us stabbing your logo in it’s Pac 12 Network promo reel because it fired people up.

You’ll get your chance to defend your stadium that is closer to our campus than yours.

You’ll get your chance to defend a stadium that has your name written in paint on the grass and our name written dozens of times in bronze plaques on the wall of champions outside.

You’ll get to defend your home stadium that the country associates more with us, but sure guys, show that pride…

I’m skipping my normal format.

Prediction:  We win.  Don’t care how.  You already disrespected the good part of the sport.  Instead of trying to ban steroids in baseball, you chose to ban “Take Me Out To The Ballgame”.

Congrats.  See you tomorrow.

As an offering to those of you who want some gear before the season ends, here’s a 5 dollar off code you can use.  We’re putting up some vintage gear.  It’s gonna run for a while and then we’ll find a ship date.  That code?  FIELDSTAB

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by | November 13, 2012

UCLA Needs to Grow a Pair. Or Two.

I admit that I have been disappointed during the Mora era at UCLA to find a competent team that rarely created news fodder.  They have a better record than USC (for now), are ranked higher than USC is (for now) and Mora has eliminated the whiner mentality that fostered “traditions” like ditching your final practice of the season if you are a senior, even if you have a bowl game.

I admit, they felt like a vastly different team than the one that backed into the Pac 12 Title game, got embarrassed, then petitioned the NCAA to be tied for the worst team to ever play in a bowl game only to lose it and own the dubious distinction of “worst team every to play in a bowl game” outright.

Frankly, after the ugly Mora comments about “students getting shot” at USC, I’ll admit he ran a tight ship.

Until this week when the master thesis of the Bearfighter was proven true:  UCLA has whiner embedded in their DNA.

Bruins Nation, who I will not even link to because they have gotten enough traffic this week, has put out one of the whiniest requests to prevent our drum major from stabbing the 50 yard line before our game at the Rose Bowl because stabbing their logo makes them sad.

Possibly in response, UCLA has informed USC that if our drum major stabs the fifty yard line as he does everywhere, every game, including OUR OWN LOGO at home games, our band, the greatest in the world and frankly a treat for Bruin fans used to their 8-clap and fight song more fit for a carousel than a football game, will not be able to perform at halftime.

The choice is apparently ours.

Beyond the stupidity of the Bruin blog suggesting a Teague/Owens moment without realizing they are essentially asking a football player to tackle a student (that will fly well in court), the real stupidity is that if UCLA’s tradition was stabbing the fifty yard line, I’d welcome it and use it to fuel another 50-0 drubbing.

Where were you all these years, UCLA?  You start 8-2 and suddenly you want to start poking your older brother in the ribs?  You are the definition of what a whining, winless culture does to a fan base and the fact your school backed you up on this should make any college football fan sick.

Some of the coolest moments ever are when opposing bands do their thing. Stanford does everything short of have explosive diarrhea on our logo, who cares.  Settle it on the field (and we’ve lost to them for about five years now, you don’t see me whining).  Notre Dame’s fight song makes me want to rub a cheese grater on my junk every time I hear it (except when I am watching Rudy), but I LOVE that I get to see them do it.

You wore crappy white jerseys last year, you are messing with your colors again.  I get it. It’s trying to abandon a culture of losing that has rendered the football program a joke since they were parking in handicapped spaces.  All that makes sense…

Until you start whining about the other team stabbing your logo.  Loser mentality.  You can do an 8-clap and ring around the rosie by Tommy Trojan, I don’t care a little bit.  I’ll take it out on you on the field.

Let me ask you a question, UCLA “nation”.  Do you deserve the right to command a team that beat you 50-0 to do anything?  How about you can start making demands when you score.  I demand you guys start acting like people who watch football.

What you are doing is like if in Lord of the Rings when the orcs are about to storm the castle, some elf (that’s you, Bruin) calls out meekly “no head shots, kay?  no swords to the face?  we can agree on that right?”

You are owning the role of biggest whiner culture in the Pac 12.  You could turn me into an Oregon fan with this because somehow I know those guys wouldn’t even be thinking about this.  They definitely wouldn’t be doing anything to piss off a team that literally beat them 50-0 this year.

fight on, buddy

This goes beyond locker room material.  You’ve pissed off the band.  The fans.  The alumni and probably anyone else that actually loves college football things like “tradition” and “competition”.  People who understand these concepts want the opponent in all their glory, putting it all on the field from offensive traditions to classic uniforms and then they want to beat the shit out of that team on the field.

I’m sorry.  You don’t deserve to be our rival any more.  Oregon gets to be our Pac 12 rival.  Notre Dame, as myopic as they are, they are our only true rival who respects tradition and rivalries.

You are just a bunch of whining children who don’t understand the concept that we aren’t stabbing your logo, we stab the fifty yard line.  At Notre Dame, there’s no logo to stab.  At home, we stab the field as well.  Maybe question the fact you graffiti your field 200 gallons of baby blue paint.  Maybe leave us some green to stab.

We’re sorry the Pac 12 promo video hurt your feelings.  Probably not more than losing 50-0 did, which we will never ever do.  Ever.

I implore you UCLA, do the football thing.  Repeal your idiotic claim to have pride.  Pride is earned on the field, not in prohibiting tradition.  Do whatever you want to our field next year.  Anything.  All I’ll be counting is the game.  Don’t ruin our rivalry any more than losing 50-0 did.  Act like winners.  If this was basketball, you’d understand.

Be tougher.  Be cooler.  Respect the game.  Maybe instead of an old fart waving a white towel (seriously, waving a WHITE TOWEL), do something bad ass that we would see and think “oh man, let’s get these guys”.  Make no mistake, we’d let you do it.

And advice from the Bearfighter… Stab the fucking field anyway.  If that means no playing at halftime, pardon my French, but fuck you.  You don’t get to hear us play.  We’re stabbing the field and you can try and pay us back on the field.  If you do, congrats.  It will be the first honorable, non-child-hissy-fit action we’ve seen all week.

Stab the field, screw playing at halftime and let the football teams play.

The Bearfighter has spoken.  Spread the word.  Just because they want to be 11 year olds doesn’t mean we need to get sucked into their universe.  Regardless, I hope the team is as pumped up to punish them as I am.  Even the fact they asked is wrong.

FTFO.

**Update-

Because I forgot, on the subject of asking us not to play TUSK because we sing UCLA sucks, we sing that when we aren’t playing you and if the band can’t play it, I suggest our fans in attendance just start playing it themselves.

If I were a reasonable Bruin fan, I’d burn my diploma because it’s now a tattoo that says “whining”.

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by | November 12, 2012

Arrogant Game Recap: Sun Devils

I need to bring some full disclosure to the table this morning.  It’s rainy in PDX (fucking shocker) and I spent the weekend unpacking boxes, breaking down boxes, shoving moving paper into big black trash bags, then carrying all that shit down to dumpsters where I had to separate them because Portland has figured out recycling on a massive civic level.  My Angeleno was coming out.  Once plastic bag can’t take down a whale, can it?  It’d probably be awesome to see.  Fuck, I’m a bad person.  Hell with a pen though.

Honestly, the last time I caught so little of a game on television was my wedding night where I had snuck to the bar to catch a few minutes when I was summoned back because I was missing the garter toss and it felt super messed up to let someone else toss a garter belt, especially your now-wife’s.

From what I could tell, there were still some bubble screens that pissed off the world, turnovers made it closer than it needed to be in the beginning and Marqise Lee is the best player in the history of the universe.

I mean, the guy has a mystery allergy that basically swells his face up like he’s on a weird date in Hitch (admit it fuckers, you saw that movie and every time it’s on TBS you watch, don’t front the front master).  Instead of drinking Benadryl and trying to get in Eva Mendes’ pants, he just goes out and tears it up to the point that I think ASU remembers it place and won’t pull that “beating us” bullshit they ran with last year.  What was that all about?

Let’s keep it real, there’s not much more arrogant than not watching most of the game and writing an official recap of it anyway.

To be honest, it’s as easy to move on from a win at ASU as it is to get fired up about next week’s game.  The Pac 12 South on the line.  The most meaningful game against UCLA we’ve had in all the time I can remember (they’ve been a garbage sandwich for so long).

I will be in Cannon Beach, just close enough to where Goonies was shot to really get pumped up and maybe get a little local fat kid to do the truffle shuffle.  I am making sure I have television access.  I am going to grip a bottle of Bulleit in one hand and maybe a bear skull in the other and will a victory.

I am moving on from this post and letting you know that come Thursday, the gloves are coming off in a disgusting, inappropriate way.  I am aware of all the crap their blogs, their team, the rankings and so on are saying.  Fear not.  They meet their reckoning Thursday.  Until then, practice #dickmoves on your Bruin coworkers.  Like “oh, sorry I played flip cup with the hot coffee you were holding” and then just say “#dickmoves” and maybe make a face that screams “you’re welcome”.

It’s time to go big.  Got a trip to Detroit and back, but when I am back it’s hands down, G’s up.

I’ve never been so excited to post.

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by | November 8, 2012

AGR + AGP DUE TO W+K + PDX: ASU and Ducks

If you can understand the title of this blog then you are both a true fan of this blog and also really good at acronymic behaviour.  Two things, acronymic didn’t get a red swiggly line (swiggly did) so turns out that’s a fucking word and also I spelled behaviour all British because the climate here in PDX is a lot more Englandy (also got a swiggly line).

First, an update.  I am having a blast here in PDX, both at work and exploring and enjoying rain and seasons and what I must admit is a serious whiskey and pig meat town.  It’s hard to have a bad time.  After 6 months of rain, perhaps I change my tune, but I’m the bearfighter.  Not the fucking rain avoider.

So, I watched the Oregon game from a penthouse at the Governor in downtown PDX, just into SW.  There was a balcony and at times I thought about jumping.  But I didn’t.

Beyond the fact my primary reaction due to Oregon’s helmets was to want to eat a bagel (didn’t they look like an animated GIF of a knife through cream cheese?), I had to give it to them.  That offense did what it wanted.  Their wide outs were blocking like pulling linemen and in the end, this game was super arrogant.  There were over a billion yards of combined offense and one super BS call on our onside kick.  Not sure it would have mattered.  It did to the casinos who called the booth and called it off.

There’s not much to dwell on.  Again, too many turnovers.  Our offense basically took the notion that Oregon played defense at an elite level and took a dump on its face.  We played awful D.  They played adjacent to awful D.     I’m not a schadenfreude kind of guy, but it was pretty obvious Oregon sucks on D, almost as much as we did.

I’m going to leave it alone, basking in the satisfaction that when I go drinking during our game against Notre Dame, all of Oregon will be routing for us and there’s not a damn thing they can do about it.  Of course I put my Pete Carroll signed USC helmet on my desk.  Yes I am still super handsome.  Caviar on the side.  I said ON THE SIDE.  What the fuck, Pac Northwest?  In a year it’ll be the Zack Northwest.

It’s not the year we expected, but that’s not always so bad.  I’ve had nights out on the town that ended up different than I expected and they are some of my favorite stories.  Call me, we’ll take the convo offline.

To weigh in quickly, the acts of our student manager who deflated the balls in the first half to provide an advantage for our team, that was some bullshit and as much as I am for Trojans in the workforce, homie needed to get fired.  That said, the argument that somehow Oregon pulled away because we used regular balls in the second half is BS.  Oregon pulled away because our defense could not stop them at all at any point and frankly, that isn’t all on our players.

It’s an ugly situation, I’m leaving it at that.

Somehow, if we win out, the Pac 12 Championship still looks good.  I’d love another shot at Oregon just to mess shit up, fuck around, maybe go to a phantom Rose Bowl.  Remember, it’s always sunny on Trousdale.  Not so much in PDX.  Leave me alone.   I look rad in rain gear.  Follow me on instagram @lostangelesblog.  I’ll prove it.

The truth is, we got ASU this weekend and basically, they were part of what made our season last year less than perfect.  They are experimenting with all kinds of uniforms, suffering from a really hot student body and we’re like a big fucking bear with big fucking claws and we’re trying to kill the rabbit.

Our next two games are really it.  I can’t ignore the amount of calls for Kiffin to be fired, it’s a totally valid thought, but so is the thought about his ability to recruit during sanctions, which are still not over.  For me, I want a new O coordinator to take that responsibility and the defense needs to be addressed.

But we still have these 2 Pac 12 games and a chance to get to the title game.  I want to stay concise today, I want to avoid a long ASU preview.   You guys have heard all my Tempe trashing, the one-word night clubs, the Jersey Shore-ish club promotors and the distraction of what is a ridiculously hot student body.  You guys have also heard that they are scoring something like 37 points a game and that they have a top 25 offense.

Every season has a breaking point and let’s keep it real as the Loch Ness Monster.  This is that game.  If this game doesn’t go well, the season becomes simple.  It’s just about beating our rivals.  Don’t get me wrong.  Those two days are perfect Saturdays no matter what.  It is a total pleasure to have teams you just simply need to beat no matter what, regardless of record.  The thing is, we need this game to keep any aspirations alive and I hope we’re up to it.

That said, as I’ve had to more than I want to, I am hear to remind you that being a member of Arrogant Nation has few rules.  That isn’t to say there are no rules.  In fact, there are two.

  1. When you win, you celebrate your ass off.
  2. When you lose, you celebrate your ass off because you will probably win next weekend.

Any additional thinking beyond that is just raking your face over a cheese grater for decisions you won’t be involved in.  We are the fans and we can never be fair weather.

Fuck the Sun Devils.  Fuck the negativity.  Enjoy some fucking football for the Bearfighter.

PREDICTIONS

USC 45
ASU 35

As usual, their team will be distracted by the hotness of both student bodies just a little bit more than we will.  Why this is is a complicated mathematical formula proving why our team is less distracted by hotness and it involves the fact Phoenix is one zone of hot people surrounded by desert whereas our team has to deal with hotness as far north as Santa Barbara and as far south as San Diego.  We’re more immune.  It’s worth a ten spot.

KIFFIN OUTFIT PREDICTION

Covered in tomatoes given the emails I am getting.  I’ll be wearing a rain jacket.

2 PT CONVERSIONS

Let’s be real.  With so many Kiffin critics right now, he’s going to do the opposite of logic and try like 7 of these.  And we’ll love him for it.

KYLE NEGRETE PREDATOR DRONES

While USC lost to Oregon, Kyle’s mustache beat both teams, the crowd and the rush hour traffic.

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by | October 30, 2012

Arrogant Game Recap: Zona – Keep It Real Edition

This is going to be a little different format because if I am gauging the Trojansphere correctly, people are reacting poorly to this loss.  A lot of heat coming towards coach Lane Kiffin, coming towards our “arrogance” and penalties, our lack of discipline and our repeated playing down to opponents.

I want to be clear with everyone what the point of all of this is.  First, the game.

I hate losing as much as the next bourbon drinking web legend, but I’ll admit it is easier to lose in Maui when you are drinking tiki mixtures designed to confuse alcohol for fruit juice.  Of course, as I tweeted, the game was not the only disaster of the day.  That night, the earthquake off B.C. apparently created a green tsunami laser headed straight for Maui and they literally cut water to the Four Seasons, evacuations went nuts and worst of all, our Trojan (and non Trojan) brothers and sisters were prepping for Sandy back east.  The universe is so pissed the Oregon v USC game lost some luster.

Literally, look at that.  Earthquake in Canada.  Green death laser direct to Maui.  Chip Kelly was behind this.

The tsunami was a fauxnami, we all lived and then I was left to think about this loss.  Bottomline, you never win a football game when you cough the ball up five times.  It’s so many points left on the board, field position given up and momentum swinging the wrong way.  I care about the penalties, but in the end, I’ve seen us win games where we were penalty monsters.  I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a team win after coughing it up five times.

What’s killing me, Arrogant Nation, is that we’re confusing the meaning of arrogance.  People are blaming arrogance for the reason we lost.  Turning the ball over five times is the reason we lost.  I know I like to have fun on here, but at the core sports level, I fear we’re missing the point.  My point.  The reason I started this feature on the blog.

The purpose of Arrogant Nation was to learn to enjoy the games no matter what.  Yes, that started when everyone felt sick over sanctions, but it is the same thing when people are sick over a lost national title shot.  This team was in the exact same position last year.  A two loss team heading into an Oregon game no one thought we were going to win.

The season ended and we were back in the AP top 10 and everyone was freaking out.  Some even said the need for this blog was gone.  Need I remind you all we get to play undefeated Oregon next week.  We get to play undefeated Notre Dame soon.  We get to play UCLA.  We’re going to a bowl game.  How quickly you forget the beauty of college football.  Every game is a championship.  That was the point of this.  Even without the reward of a bowl game, last year was one of the best USC seasons I can remember.  I am calling my brothers and sisters out.  Don’t let the “title” ruin what can still be an epic conclusion.

We’re Trojans.  The point was to fight even past the point of us being ruled dead.  The point is to tip our hat to Arizona knowing full well (as they do) we’ll beat them more often than they beat us…  forever.

That’s what Oregon hates about us.  They hate that it will take decades and decades of dominance for their culture to transition from flash to tradition.  Maybe it will.  But we get the opportunity to say the road still goes through our house.  Saturday in fact.

The arrogance is that no matter what we know the sun never sets on the Trojan family.  Not in the 90s.  Not ever.  The media spends too much time hyping things up that don’t need hype.  Oregon has to play USC this weekend.  We get a chance to royally screw Notre Dame.  We still have bears to kill.

Anyone who isn’t jacked up still needs to check the name of the school on their diploma.  Worry about a loss to Arizona?  I’ll have another mai tai, please.

People.  Hats off to Zona.  We cut off enough fingers and toes to give them a chance to sneak one out.  It happens to everyone.  Even us.  But we’re Trojans which means that now we bring hell to Oregon.  It’s easy to question a coach after a bad loss.  It’s easy to get down on a team when you built them up.  What’s hard is ignoring the bullshit and propelling your team to win the Pac 12 South and find that way into the Rose Bowl, our home.

Last year we were a 2 loss team that won the game on the schedule people thought we’d lose.  No reason we can’t do that again.  Playing like a champion starts with believing you are one.  We owe Matty Trojan and Robert Woods and TJ and Marqise and Khaled and Predator Drone to remember being a Trojan means if your right arm gets cut off, fight with your left.

That’s all for today.  I have a big news this week.  I’ll talk to you for the AGP of a game everyone has written us off in.  Are you going to sit around and blame penalties and coaching or are you going to sharpen your swords and create the mood for battle.

I’d spend the week thinking of how we get in the Ducks’ heads and flip their “disappointment that a win over us doesn’t look as good now” into a feeling of “shit, we ended up on their sword two years in a row”.

That’s the bearfighter’s advice.

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by | October 22, 2012

Arrogant Game Recap: Colorado Buffs

Gave strong consideration to simply posting “Colorado blows” and then hitting post and saving my juice for Arizona, my home away from home.  Instead, I am going to stream of consciousness.

First of all, Chip Kelly tried to have me killed.  I have been sick for over a week and the only type of sick that’s ever kept me in battle for over a week was cancer.  It was weapons grade Duck Flu and don’t think I won’t see it coming next time.  I was in Urgent Care at 9 am on gameday demanding high fructose antibiotic serum injected into my forehead regardless of symptoms.  Luckily, the doctor on call went to USC (no joke) and gave me a cocktail of meds that would render me able to get to the game, but I would lose all appearances as a human.  Fair trade.

Look, you haven’t lived until you see football in this state.  I ran into people from high school who were giving me odd looks, later I realized this was because the sheer amount of meds I was on had me buzzing like an alarm clock.  They probably thought I might raid their medicine cabinets.  I was in a bad way, but it was important to attend this game in person.  I’ll save that for another day (ominous Bearfighter foreshadow, non-health related, fear not).

Sadly, my battle to stay conscious on meds was the most interesting battle of the game.  That is not to say it was not a hilarious, old-fashioned arrogant romp, the exact kind of thing we needed going into the meat of our schedule.  As a meat eater, this is my favorite.  Give me November football regardless of outcome.  I want the old 96′er every weekend, I’ll finish it.

It was obvious Colorado was going to lose the minute they came out of the tunnel.  They were doing some sort of jog.  It was a team jog.  It was like a menopausal run club jogging around a high school track in the Midwest.  I’m not using hyperbole.  They came out of the tunnel like they were nervous the game would go too long and they’d miss the first act of Book of Mormon.  I turned to my friends and said “fear the cloud god” and then realized that was the meds talking.  Then I told them “these guys are going to get destroyed”.

I was right on both counts.  USC had scored three times in the first 6 minutes of the game and the cloud god really shouldn’t be fucked with.

This game was honestly kind of boring.  We were never on offense because the minute we had it we scored.  Everyone rooting for this type of performance every week, realize you have to watch a lot of bad offense from the other team.  It’s like having to eat a truck load of broccoli just to get a bite of steak.  The steak was cooked perfectly though, so I had fun.  Also, meds are crazy.

Kyle Negrete running at 2pt conversion in, having it called back for being too awesome and then clanking the extended PA was super arrogant.  Ever more arrogant was the fact I never considered the possibility that any points we left on the board would come back to haunt us unless points on the board can somehow die and become ghosts.  That was the only way because Colorado is like the first person you hook up with after a serious breakup.  Who cares what it’s like, it’s a win, it wasn’t difficult and you really won’t need to think about it again for at least a year.

Geno Smith shit the bed and Matt Barkley shit on the competition.  He’s back in prime position for his NYC trip and if we win out, he’s going to get the hardware.  Lots of ifs, but nothing much has changed.  Looking at the BCS and our schedule and the schedule of the top ten, all USC has to do is win out and it’s almost inconceivable they wouldn’t get a shot at Alabama.  That said, we play for Rose Bowls, so a win next week is the next step.

But on the subject of Barkley.  19 of 20, the one incompletion was a drop?  298 yards and 6 TDs?  He also played for half a game.  Sometimes I wish Kiffin would just let us score 100 points to make a point.  The point that we can do it when we want to, but we just don’t.  Not with the cloud god watching.  We pLAy for the cloud god.

So, a record setting day for Matt and Robert Woods.  Nothing is quite as arrogant as the fact that for all the hoopla about the offenses in the Pac-12, the wide open play and the existence of the Ducks, the USC touchdowns thrown record IS the Pac-12′s record.

The videos that were canned for Matt and Robert were great.  The highlights for me were seeing Carson jump into frame when Matt Leinart was congratulating Barkley.  I mean who doesn’t get a kick out of seeing those two together, laughing at how Matt just gets millions and does nothing and how Carson wore pads and made Leinart look tiny.  In the end, Leinart still says scoreboard to Carson.

I enjoyed Keyshawn telling Robert his receptions record meant he was just a little, tiny bit better than him.  Good Trojan moment reflecting our arrogance.  Key would not give that up unless it was deserved, but you saw his personality.  He was giving Robert his due and truthfully, Robert has done as much as anyone but Matty Trojan to bring this team back to where it is (and it’s further than you think).

The third part I loved was Matt’s face when his video ended.  When I wrote the post asking him to stay, it was for moments like this.  I said it then, I’ll say it again so the cloud god hears…  We want Matt to hold our records and represent us no matter what bowl we go to or what happens with the Heisman.  He’s everything we want to be and him smiling like an asshole (in a good way) taking in a big moment made me really happy in the big picture sense.  Our guy is being written in the book.  Robert too.  These are the guys we want written in ink.  It’s great to see it happen.

It’s also great to see how awful Colorado is.  With Washington State probably becoming a goodish team over the next few, we’re going to need a perennial doormat and Colorado seems totally stoked to do so.  They even bring a white doormat to put out on the fifty yard line to remind them of who they are.  It’s tradition they jog passed it before every game before checking the snow report and ignoring the fact they are being ransacked like buffaloes by rifles shot from a passing train in the 1800s.

I didn’t even predict a final score for them.  I was impressed they kicked two FGs.  I am so glad that while we will rotate with the Oregon and Washington schools every year, we’ll always have you Ralphie.  We’ll always have you.  And your wonky older brother Utah, who kind of sucks too.

So here’s where the rubber meets the road.  Too many people thinking about the polls.  Think about wins.  Nothing can keep us out of the Rose Bowl if we win out and a large part of me would be stoked about a Rose Bowl win.  It’s been a few years and we got so used to Rose Bowl wins as consolation prizes for not winning it all, I was blown away seeing Oregon flip their shit for winning their first one in 100 years.  Or since like, radio.  Or sliced bread.

Oregon flipped out for something we have done I think like four times in a ten year period and would have done more if we didn’t play in two National Titles and an Orange Bowl.  I would be thrilled to have a great Pasadena day in January.

That said, for those of you needing to watch the polls, just look to K-State.  They are the only team that winning out will prevent us from going contingent on us winning out our very tough schedule.  I mean, Oregon State is going to lose.  K-State may not.  Every week, a win.  We’re rolling now.

I’m spent and not 100%.  I’ll be watching the Zona game from the Four Seasons in Maui, the Bearfighter needs a break and when I return, we’ll keep it super real and talk Oregon (in more ways than one).  Let’s get the win and then I promise an interesting week on this blog.

Last note, in my medicine haze I was wandering down the Row to my car and saw a kid in what appeared to be a bootleg Arrogant Nation shirt.  I was initially like “who fucks with the Bearfighter” and then after consulting the cloud god I realized what a total compliment this was.  I made a turn towards Adams and then hear my name shouted out.  I turn, it’s that crew pumping fists and yelling “I love your shit” or something like that.  Totally worthwhile.  Everytime I get someone at the Coli high five me, toss me a beer, the legend grows and my heart is happy.  You arrogant bastards make every word worth it.

Hell with a pen wherever that paper is.

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by | October 17, 2012

Arrogant Game Recap: Washington

The Bearfighter got sick.  It was an evening like any other.  I was eating nearly raw pork with close friends after ordering charcuterie containing even more meats from other animals.  There was beer.  There was bourbon.  There was also the feeling my skin was going to peel off and the fact ice cubes instantaneously melted on my forehead.  A fever?  Damnit.

What followed was a three day fever dream like the montage out of any good movie about a musician in the 60s or 70s who starts experimenting with weird substances because he meets a dangerous woman who inspires his music.  I sweat a lot.  I fought imaginary bears in my sleep, so I am told.  I even watched the game and in doing so in such a state, I think I realized some things.  I think I gained a greater clarity that I will share with you now.

The name of this game was conservative offense.  I mean, from the beginning, while I was right about Kiffin breaking out the puffy white jacket, the beanie stayed at home despite moist weather.  He had better bring to when we play Oregon.  I don’t care if the earth has global warmed to the point that it is still fucking 100 degrees in November here in Shangri-La.  The beanie returns.

When USC was riding a 24-7 lead going into halftime, I bet most of you thought we’d score two quick in the second half and then sit back on deep passing and make it a laugher.  That was not the case.  Sure we had our miscues and our drops and so on and so forth.  Sure, Matt let one fly to Nelson that he’d like to take back.  But the thing is, once we got up, Kiffin started to drain the clock.  He started to drain the clock so early it was like leaving dinner three bites into the entree.  Arrogant.

Think of the 3rd down draw calls.  Think of the incessant pounding of the rock even when you have set up the playaction so well that the cameramen would take a minute to figure it out.  Then think of the stifling defense, the forcing of four turnovers, the control of the clock.

Trojan fans and the pollsters HATED this style of control clock, own the line, don’t dazzle football.  I was shocked by this reaction because we see this type of 10 point win and style of victory almost every week.  In the SEC.

USC basically just played clock control and as Kiffin said “got on the plane 5-1″ through the first half.  But really, let’s talk.  Was Florida’s 14 point win over Vanderbilt so much more impressive?  Was Kansas State’s 6 point win over unranked Iowas St. so impressive?  How about Ohio State’s 3 point win over unranked Indiana?

At some point, you have to come back to Arrogant Nation and remember this whole thing doesn’t matter.  We want to get in the Rose Bowl and if the voodoo football spirits want to give us a shot at the “championship”, sure we’ll go to Miami, but getting to play an SEC team would be the real joy there.  We’d get the opposite effect.  Instead of everyone getting up to play us, finally we’d get up to play someone.

In the end, we have Oregon and Notre Dame on the schedule and they are pollsters dreams.  There’s still a good chance if we run the table we can play for the crystal candy bowl, but I don’t care.  I agree with Kiff.  I like being 5-1 and I like running the ball if that’s what it takes.  Once the second half offense wasn’t clicking the way it needed to for a blow-out, Kiffin decided to fuck over his friend Sark and his inferior team by decreasing his margin for error.  We may not get first downs, but we will bleed the clock in front of you like a steak you cut before letting it rest.  Your juice is on the plate, Sark.

It was calling out that Keith Price wasn’t going to do shit and if he started to, he’d fumble.  And boy did he.  He fumbled one with bad ball control and fumbled the other one because Dion Bailey wanted to see if quarterbacks bounced in the rain.  EXPLOSION.

With Kiff’s plan, Keith Price was going to need to beat our defense and Keith Price isn’t capable of beating you in a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos.  Keith Price can beat you at anything but generating awful quotes that piss off a fan base regarding not enjoying football.  When the announcers are commenting on your smile and how it’s been missing, yeah, Kiffin is going to run down the clock and make you beat us.

And guess what.  It worked.  It was ugly.  It was frustrating   It was SEC, defense and run football.  Be thankful we don’t see it every week.  SEC football is just Big Ten football that generates actual wins.  It’s not for us, but in the end, 5-1.

The win was the key.  I think if punting every first down in the Stanford game would have won the game for us, we’d all go back and take it.  USC has gotten through the road half of their schedule 5-1 and well in the driver’s seat to win the Pac 12 South, potentially even with the ability to lose.  Oregon could win and we’d probably still get to play them again and make it happen.

I am not saying that’s what I think, I’m just saying that if SEC football for one half in Washington equaled 5-1.  Pound the damn rock.

Apologies for my lateness.  I’ll see you tomorrow for the AGP.

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by | October 11, 2012

Arrogant Game Preview: Washington Huskies

I’m still jetlagged from that oddity of a football game last Thursday.  I am so freaked out that I will actually get to watch college football on Saturday, I probably have to cancel a bunch of plans.  Larry Scott has me thinking it’s spring.

The scheduling has been odd as well, this game wrapping up what will be a first half of the season spent basically on the road.  Save a track meeting in Tucson against Arizona in late October, USC is wrapping this thing up at home (I am including UCLA because our name is on their stadium more than theirs is).

It’s always a weird week when you have to pick on U-Dub.  I mean, it’s easy to make fun of them for going by U-Dub, which is so “Stuart Scott abbreviating baseball player names”.  Washington was the first president of the United States.  He helped defeat the British even though he lost more battles than he won.  He was the ultimate winner during sanctions.  Like, taxation with representation sanctions.  My homies are throwing tea in the river.  Let’s hide in New Jersey and freeze these redcoats out.

Basically calling yourself Washington is awesome.  I may just do it.  Washington Bearfighter, hell with a pen.

But no, Washington.  Go by U-Dub.  That’s way iller.  Like basketball shorts in the 80s.  You can’t take it back now.  It happened.

It’s also hard to get violent about their mascot because unlike stupid ass bears and beavers and ducks and cougars, things that anyone would get a kick out of eating or hunting or just picking on, they go with a Husky.  I may be a scourge to the Pac 12, but I am no dog killer.  Their mascot is cool.  It’s too cool to even have one eye color. Like Stuart Scott.  That’s crazy, two Stu Scott references in one week over fifteen years passed the point where he was relevant or didn’t make me want to rub a cheese grater on my face during his broadcasts.  A for effort, but sometimes I just want you to explain it was a deep home run.  You have jumped the shark, Stu.

The real story when USC plays Washington is the Brotherly Battle.  Raised as warring siblings by Uncle Pete and attached at the headset since birth, Coach Kiff and Coach Sark really are known for being a part of USC’s legendary offenses.  When these two coaches have at it, it’s a battle of smart-ass versus “I-didn’t-call-her-but-I-said-I-would-and-PS-I-got-Del-Taco-when-I-snuck-out-of-her-apartment”.  I’ll let you guess which is the second one.   No I won’t.  That’s Kiffin.  Obviously.

The Brotherly Battle is complete with tradition and each side has won a meeting.  The battle is kicked off with their version of lighting the Olympic torch, which is, of course, Sark proclaiming to the world that on the 7th day, the Lord didn’t rest.  He created USC’s starting lineup.  Then Kiffin ceremoniously responds by saying our team is a garbage sandwich marinated in cat urine and we are back to square one.

The thing is, Sark is 3-1 against USC since taking over, a part of the clear backwards day we have been experiencing with the Pac-12 North since forever.  Luckily, and unlike Stanford, last year we slapped the Huskies around and our best run of the day come from Cyborg Punter Kyle Negrete.  This restored balance to the the rivalry (another one where USC has won 50 times and they have won about half that).  For a million reasons, that needs to be upheld this week.

USC is fired up to close out this road show at 5-1 with a strong driver’s seat for the Pac-12 South Title and a berth in the Championship Game.  5-1 will put the team back in the conversation heading into the part of the season where they get to play Oregon and Notre Dame and turn some heads.  Our team is so jacked up they aren’t even going to eat any of the cream cheese hot dogs they serve in Seattle.  That’s hard to do.  They don’t make sense, but they play for keeps.  I once ate one in the rain with my wife, who then was my girlfriend, and her Anthony Bourdain-like appreciation for processed meats served in regional style was clear cut evidence that she was raised well and could run with me like two wolves on the prarie.  Those hot dogs are good and our team won’t even eat one because they are going to pretend the Huskies are bears and eat them.  Sorry.  If it makes you feel better there animal overpopulation in Seattle, it’s a public service.  I am making this up.  Seriously, no dog killing.  If anything their mascot pledges allegiance to us and helps us eat their players.  That’s bad ass.

What’s awesome is that you’d think Washington “when-won’t-he-suck” quarterback Keith Price would be stoked.  He’s not.  Here’s what he gave ESPN:

“I don’t think I’ve been enjoying the game the past couple of weeks,” said Price, who left with a knee injury in a 40-17 loss at then-No. 18 USC on Nov. 12. “I haven’t been playing with the same passion as last year, the same confidence, the same swagger. I’ve got to get back to that.”

You haven’t been enjoying the game?  I haven’t been playing with the same confidence, passion and swagger?  While you were trying to existentially get excited to play football in an NFL stadium on television, half of Seattle just hooked up with your girlfriend.  This puts fear in my heart.  A man with nothing to live for is dangerous.  USC can’t be the crying shoulder to get this guy healthy.  New blog favorite Morgan Breslin needs to try and ingest this coward and worry about digesting his helmet and pads earlier.  I’m talking snot bubbles like The Program.  Morgan Breslin is going to tackle Keith Price’s political science professor and then hook up with HIS wife.

I am not a football coach, but if I were and I caught my QB giving quotes like that, even if it was part of a ploy to get USC to fall asleep Stanford style, I would dump his ass in the Puget Sound by cover of nightfall and make him swim ashore to build character.  And find me a salmon while you are out there.  Now cook it on a cedar plank and stare the other direction when I dine.  I only break bread with winners.

 

Sark will give us his best game plan and Kiffin will probably pull out a few tricks.  These guys love to hate each other.  This is Kiffin himself only less swagger and no Layla.  No offense to Mrs. Sark who I recall being good looking, just Kiffin won the Pac 12 Lifetime Achievement Award with that letter of intent.

The rumor that Sark hooked up with Erin Andrews does up his stock, but let’s keep it real.  If you follow her on Instagram, you know at this point like most contestants on the Bachelor, it doesn’t matter how attractive she is or how much football she pretends to know.  She will make you hate life.  Follow her on Instagram.  After two weeks, tell me if I am wrong.  Week one, you’ll say, she’s hot.  Week two, you’ll wonder how a person finds the time to upload a picture of themself with every human they encounter on the street.  You work at Fox.  I assume you know Joe Buck.  Also, I got it the first 30 times you posted pictures of you and Joe Buck.  Just go back to getting with Joey Harrington.  That’s my only rationale for having kept him on television.  You are in love.

USC would have laid down and died last week after spotting Utah 14 on the road if they weren’t kicking it into gear to be in the best possible situation for when this schedule turns ugly.  The mental game is winning even though the media won’t get back on your jock until you beat Oregon.  We’ll probably get two chances and a win in either will probably land USC in a BCS game.  A win in both, I still think USC finds it’s way into the Crystal Ball Bowl, which again, I want to see someone crack and fill with candy.  Florida has no offense.  LSU is just not that good.  Give it time.  Give it time.

I expect some fireworks, but I expect a victory and a 5-1 mark at the turn.

PREDICTIONS

USC – Cream Cheese Hot Dog
UDUB – Dog Covered in Cream Cheese

Look, these coaches are Trojans and they put the “DICK” in predictions.  So I am not giving one.  Other than to say we’re winning.  There will be some trick plays.   In the end, playing in a NFL stadium is a big advantage to USC who has players that will actually play in the NFL thus making this feel like their natural environment.

2 PT CONVERSIONS

2 for 3

They are going for them this week.  Kiff and Sark are like watching two kids play Madden hopped up on candy and Mountain Dew.

KIFFIN OUTFIT PREDICTION

The grim reaper outfit for the 2nd half threw me for a loop.  They are calling for rain and low temperatures.  I am calling it.  He’s going white puffy jacket and bringing back the white beanie.

KYLE NEGRETE CYBORG PUNTING

Based off last year’s game, I am predicting:
7 carries, 129 yards, 1 TD.  And a punt.  Inside the 10.

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