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Bachelor Recap: Week Six

There’s Christmas.  And there’s second Christmas.  Second Christmas is when the Bachelor moves to a tropical location and and our hero can finally just ride around in helicopters and sea planes and fucking snorkel and force girls to wear their “A Game” bikinis and drink some Mai Tais.

I enjoy this time of year ever more now that I live in Portland because it’s cold here, although it certainly hasn’t stopped me from drinking Mai Tais.  Or anything else for that matter.

So, Strawberry Lemonade broke the rules and decided to travel with his harem of women in a small plane instead of traveling solo because, well, he wanted to set a tone for the amount of perving he demands on this trip to St. Croix.  Sean is a natural rule breaker.  Like the laws of anatomy.  First man to glow red in the snow.  First light skinned person to refuse sunblock on tropical islands.  First outdoorsy guy to never go north of Dallas.

Sean also has another jam I need to point out.  The minute he starts tongue probing a girl when it’s time to kiss, he grabs their knee like he’s driving stick.  Whenever he starts up, I’m on my bearskin rug being like “LOOK, HE’S DRIVING STICK.”

So as we get started, may you all drive stick soon.  It’s almost Valentine’s Day.

I am so sure they went to St. Croix, still America, because Guybrow can’t leave the country do to a bunch of Drunk in Publics or a DUI or some cocktail of misdemeanors that has revoked her international traveling rights as an America.  She can definitely still go to the Jersey Shore.

But, hey, what better place to find love than St. Croix, which is related to La Croix, the canned sparkling water many of you are drinking right now.

This episode was prime for drama right off the bat as Little Orphan Hottie was in full surgical enhancement flaunt mode from the get go, which made stress-eating Guybrow super insecure causing her to pull her roll-out bed to another room in a protest everyone was glad for.  Reminds me of the time Candy Striping Hooker (Blakely) retreated to cry hysterically in the luggage room.  Then she got engaged to that tiny guy, then that blew up, now she just takes slutty instagrams with former cast members who probably sleep with her.  Sigh.  I wanted to believe she was looking for a better life, but people who use instagram to post pictures of inspirational quotes are barely hanging on in my opinion.

But hey, who doesn’t love the 9th instance of “Skinny Girls Look Good In Clothes, Fit Girls Look Good Naked” before you wake up.  Lady, you are just being a tart and telling us you look good naked.  Next time, take a naked photo and annotate it “scoreboard.”  It will make your point and gain you followers.

Wait, we were BachCapping, weren’t we?

AshLee got the first date and we started seeing some of her major malfunctions this episode.  She is the perfect Dallas wife.  She’s hot.  Her body won’t change (thanks science!)  All that said, you started seeing her discuss her cosmic plight and I am starting to wonder what complex chain of gluten and amino acids are keeping her brain chemistry together.  She’s had a rough life and has seemed well adjusted so far.  Might be a time bomb.

Their date was the “let’s get on a yacht, you get half naked and we just jump fifteen feet into the ocean and make out.”  If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it ABC.

No one successfully sabotages another contestant on this show, eventually it bites you on the ass (if the Bachelor doesn’t do that first in the Fantasy Suite).  This week, we saw that trend change.  Strawberry Lemonade point blanked Little Orphan Hottie into dishing out the fact that whatever dented Guybrow’s head made her evil in the process.

AshLee delivered the news while pushing her boobs together and aiming them at Sean, which is the best way to receive any information.  When you get bad medical news, they put you in a “calming” room and speak in comforting tones.  Fuck that, send me to St. Croix and have a hot girl tell me on a sandy beach while trying to seduce me.  Until this happens, Kaiser Permanente can’t use the tag line “Thrive.”

Sean seemed to accept this, although he did mention that if Tierra won she wouldn’t have to be with other women for long.  Except the 3 billion women on Earth they might encounter.  Tierra is fascinating.  I almost think she’s more likely to BE with another woman than eat lunch with another women.  Drunk experimentation.  That’s what I am talking about.

The night date was when AshLee did a forty minute build up to her terrible secret which ended up being that she had a short-lived high school marriage in an act of rebellion.  Sean looked relieved she didn’t reveal “I have a kid” or “it’s gonorrea.”  I expected Sean to slip and say “that’s nothing, one time my boys and I potentially killed a stripper in Nogales, we just ran away, you know, people have history.”

Then they screamed “I love you” and “I love St. Croix” which somehow was so painful it went back in time and ruined the scene in Garden State where they scream into the abyss.  That’s how awkward it was.  Also, did Zach Braff die?  What happened?  He makes that fucking movie and now nothing?  Was it all just to get some Natalie Portman?  Did he fail and lose to a ballerina?  Did you know my PDX stripper name is Natalie Portland?

I’m off track again.

Guybrow got her date, but was so pissed they were going shopping and not going crotch fishing on a private beach.  They ran around, she acted annoying, they bought awful necklaces and then Sean basically told her that the fact that women hate her has made him hate her a little bit.  It’s made us all hate her a lot.

Then ABC staged a mini parade (felt like is was racist in some way, just not sure how) and then the date ended or I got up to piss.  Same difference.

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The next date was a group date where everyone traversed the island to see sunrise on the eastside and sunset on the westside.  They did a travel by Indiana Jones map to help gloss over this date, like I am going to do.  It was three nice, attractive girls watching the sun turn Strawberry Lemonade purple.  There was a time when this show would try to explain why a site was historical, saying that “the British once attacked a Spanish Galleon here.”  Now, Sean just says “ERHMAGERD, THE PLACE HAZ HERSTERY.”  And onto the next “let’s swing on vines” experience.

Then, there was no fucking sunset.  Fuck this date and fuck St. Croix.

Final date, Pretty Little Liar gets her moment in the sun, only they go to like a forest with very little context and because she is totally getting cut, Sean foreshadows they aren’t where they need to be.  On a golf course with her making him margaritas.  Put some beer in, that’s the trick.  Trust me.

Pretty Little Liar just kept explaining things too much.  She might be normal in civilian life, but on this show, stop analyzing things, tell him you love him, let ABC shoot some fireworks off and then make out.  That’s how you win.

Then ABC went collision montage, right up there with the end of Godfather.  Sean was hanging with his wife whose advice was literally “don’t end up with Swimsuit Issues (Courtney)” when he decided he’d introduce her to Guybrow, who he now knows is probably the mean girl.  Derp.

I pictured ABC producers walkie-talking the shit out of this like “GET HIS ASS TO THE HOUSE WE JUST GOT THEM ALL DRUNK AT NOON AND IT TURNED INTO VERBAL UFC 167.”

Sean ominously approaches the hen house while Tierra and AshLee go at it.  AshLee hates Tierra for being false and the kind of person who doesn’t say “good morning.”  Seriously, who does that!  *crickets*

Tierra just looks sloppy, fake cries and storms out.  ONLY TO RETURN ON FIRE.

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They start arguing that she’s never had trouble with men, that she thinks she’s better than everyone and that her parents told her not to lose her “sparkle.”  I need to know what the sparkle is.  Is it her desire to stress eat?  Is it her way of slouching on the couch?  Is it the magic that came from the asteroid that hit her in the forehead?  Whatever it is, YOU CAN’T TAKE IT FROM HER.

Then, my vindication.  I called her Guybrow from the moment she showed up.  The world saw and embraced the race it made up her face.  And when AshLee called the eyebrow out for raising in bitchiness, we got it.

“I CAN’T CONTROL MY EYEBROW!”

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Thesis.  The defense rests.  It has a mind of it’s own, which is shocking since Tierra doesn’t.

Sean enters and sees her fake crying for the 4000th time.  He pulls an epic “I love you so much I need you to die” move and suddenly she is fake crying her ass to the worst death a contestant can get:  Deportation by Minivan.

A cold death to a hot temper.

Sean, with the taste of blood in his mouth decides to skip the cocktail party and go right to sending Pretty Little Liar back to the Potomac.  High School Soccer Player has a complicated response.  She freaks out in saying that if Sean doesn’t like Pretty Little Liar, how could he like her?  I feel like they must have been super similar, although she’s like a character in a Tim Burton movie after hearing the second story in like two weeks about people dying or trying to die in front of her.  Still, hate that she had to experience that, but that’s hardcore.  I don’t think she’s winning, so I hope Sean handles it well.  I may be a prick on here, but I am a big believer in mercy to those who deserve it.

Speaking of which, I’m done, mercifully, until next week.  With Tierra gone, maybe they can leave the country.

 

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Bachelor Recap: Week Five Part Two

 

What has my life come to?  Two posts, one week?  I have haunting visions while sweating through fever dreams about a day where there is a Bachelor Network and I am hooked up to Matrix-like pink goo feeding systems with a laptop bolted to my knees, forced to write as Chris Harrison laughs and blows lines.

I write this blog for free (and sweet swag and speaking engagements). It is not my day job, it’s my curse.  My sweet beautiful curse that made sense at 26, but at 30 just as I start to age like Clooney and have a liquor chest stocked with top shelf bourbons and ryes and whiskies, it’s about legacy.

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So before we BachCap, may I ask for one small favor from you?  As many of you know, I went to USC.  A fraternity there is raising money to buy a car for Meals on Wheels.  Maybe it’s the newfound Portland in me, but I’d like you to give them five dollars, a dollar, ten dollars, hell, kick them fifty if you are a sugar mommy and you feel like impressing me.  Click THIS LINK and fund a part, click Nuts and Bolts and just give them some money.  I’ll post it again at the end so you can just get your BachCap on in peace.  I just want to make sure this blog is sometimes about more than just me generating even more attractive people who want to meet me and buy drinks for me to imbibe.

If you donate, please let me know in the comments.  I never forget a good looking person who does a good act, because, well, you are good looking.  You don’t need to do anything.

Okay, let’s BachCap.

Two episodes in a row where I don’t need to see Strawberry Lemonade in his skivvies lifting weights.  That’s because weight lifting is illegal in Canada (you just lift dead moose and heavy pitchers of Molson or Labatt Blue) and Canada is exactly where this epic journey of hot girl torture went.

Stunning Lake Louise in Sasketitichewatooziebrew, Canada.  A place of raw natural beauty where the water is so blue you’d think it had toilet bowl cleaner in it.  I expected the Scrubbing Bubbles to show up and scrub the layer of dried makeup, tears and poison scent perfume off Anna Nicole Schlitz.  Never happened.  Never will now.

The first date was with High School Soccer Player and her defiant 1990s Buffy the Vampire Slayer nose stud.  YOU ARE SO INTERESTING.

Strawberry Lemonade showed up on a glacier in a snow bus, which is basically like a giant tank with no purpose but to let Canadians explore boring white patches of snow that barely can sustain life.  I am all for a nature hike, let’s check out some waterfalls, hell, we can even swim in some tide pools.  The last time I was that cold was when I woke up in my bathtub after Cinco De Mayo in college in freezing water after falling asleep holding a slice of pizza (my had was dyed red with sauce, I am still proud of this memory, my wife just closed the browser).

This date was again part of Strawberry’s sadistic plan to emotionally and physically beat down his suitors to the point where the last one standing will probably be able to survive his eventual beer gut, coke-like golf addiction, Dallas-style women belong in the kitchen mentality and potential for GCB believing that Jesus wants him to go drinking with his buddies.

High School Soccer Player and Lemonade tried to frolic in the snow, but this happened:

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Holy shit.  A Tweeter said “frosted lemonade” but this was the full Reverse Ginger.  He looked like a villain from a low-budget superhero movie.  When your body does that in the cold, medical science doesn’t want you to be outside.

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I hate this fronting that he is outdoorsy and then says he’s never been “north” before.  What outdoorsyness was he exhibiting?  His maid brought his margarita outside so he could stare at the golf course?  Outdoorsy in the south is Duck Dynasty.  This guy was Brooks Brothers until ABC’s stylists got him.  Outdoorsy people go north.  They climb mountains and shit.  Find me a mountain in Dallas that isn’t made of silicon and placed directly next to another silicon mountain.  Not hating on that, in fact, Go Dallas!  Just saying.  Keep it real.  Keep it real you purple silver fox.

That night they went to some ice castle and we were treated to some disgusting tongue-leading.  Strawberry Lemonade was feeling it, but deep down, this has been a systematic dismissal of people of any color (besides his signature reddish-purple) and I kind of think that he feels the way about High School Soccer Player as he does sushi.  It’s good, but not every night and definitely not when you are watching the big game.  Just saying.  Wouldn’t stop a man-of-the-world like me.  Of course, I managed to find my wife “in the wild” without the aid of a coked up game show host.

Onto the group date, but first, Anna Nicole Schlitz had a mini meltdown about not getting the one on one, but that just means she was going home, which we knew anyway because she can’t talk, always looks drunk and has so much extra face skin she looks like a puppy shar pei.

There was a canoe ride through the giant blue toilet bowl that is Lake Louise that led our contestants to a tent on the icy shore of the glacier.  I thought it was fucked up they made Sarah sit in the back of the canoe, her experience likely would have been easier in the middle spot, but whatever.  It wasn’t the MOST fucked up part of her episode.  This season is oddly cruel (see Pretty Woman hooker date).

Everyone found out that they’d be doing a Polar Bear Plunge, which is quite simply, jumping into freezing water and being like, wow, we’re cold.  It’s a tradition in many parts of the world that have no good theater, music venues or restaurants.  Let’s do it.

Princess Beyazmine declined to participate citing that “her people” are from the desert and she doesn’t do cold, which was in stark contrast to when she was in “the desert” at Joshua Tree and cited that she doesn’t do the desert.  She does 72 degree controlled environments where she doesn’t shame her family and is fed grapes by unics.

So, everyone did the plunge and by all accounts it was the most fucking fun ever.  It was like getting a unicorn on your 9th birthday that shits money like an ATM.  I was pretty sure Anna Nicole Schlitz found God in those frigid waters.

Then, Guybrow in terrible “Tierrarist” fashion went to total shit.  Again.  She got out of the water and decided to get hypothermia.  I get that it was cold, but her eventual recover proved it wasn’t hypothermia, it was bad acting.  At least we got to see her with her mascara all shitty and wrapped in foil like a Chipotle burrito.

Back at the hotel, she found time to redo her makeup, get an oxygen mask and eat a hamburger because she was stressed out.  I root for her to stay on the show as long as possible because she could probably just flip right over to next season of Biggest Loser.  If your cure for hypothermia is a hamburger, you have bigger problems.

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She of course shows up at the night date, everyone is pissed, but Pretty Little Liar gets the rose because she stuck to Strawberry Lemonade like a lemon wedge on a glass.

After the date, Sean took Sarah to a neutral location and just flat out dumped her.  He cited that it wasn’t there for him and he didn’t want to put her through a rose ceremony, but let’s keep it real.  There is nothing about this method that is more human.  If a contestant says otherwise, it’s Stockholm Syndrome.  The rose ceremony seems like it sucks because you are actively being judged, but when you don’t get a rose, the show ends in like two minutes and it’s done.  It might suck more in person, but not on television.

In this case, Sarah has to go back teary-eyed (at least she isn’t an ugly crier) back into a room of cheetah bitches and explain that she’s gone.  Immediately.  To me, that’s some cold shit.

Regardless, I think America liked Sarah and in the end, isn’t everyone better off not marrying Strawberry Lemonade, or getting engaged via gameshow if we want to globalize this bitch?  I think so.  Safe travels.

The final one on one was with Joey Potter.  Again, a physical challenge.  They repelled down a cliff.  They had a picnic.  They climbed a tree.  I poured another bourbon and dreamt of years past.

This was the first week where hard rose decision had to be made.  The standout of the cocktail party was Beyazmine, who kissed Sean and made it out like it was the biggest deal in the world because it “shamed” her family.  Two things, if you are going to shame your family, give him a kiss that at least might move the needle.  That was a good night kiss between a loving married couple of 30 years.  This is the Hunger Games, bitch.  That kiss needed to end a fucker.

Secondly, if a kiss would shame her family, what the fuck did the half-peeled banana she was wearing not shame them?  I’ve seen less of women at the beach.  Don’t get me wrong, this was probably the most positive Iraq-America interaction we’ve had in decades, but I don’t get the logic.  Neither did she.  Despite being hot, she is going home.

Ladies and Gents, I will now retire to the library at Downton and reflect on this week.

As promised, HERE IS THE LINK to donate a few bucks.  Be cool and thank me by helping them.  Comment and tell me you did!

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Bachelor Recap: Week Five (Part One)

In response to my legions of attractive male and female readers, I have acquiesced to the demands of a two post, back to back week of writing about Strawberry Lemonade’s journey to find love.

So, with that, let’s BachCap.

A reader mentioned to me something I hadn’t noticed (not surprising given the amount of booze needed to watch an episode of this show).  Strawberry Lemonade seems to always want to construct dates that “challenge” or “test” his potential wives, even going back to the stupid skit last season where he pretended he lived at home.

I thought this was interesting and especially so I put it in my oversized mind this episode.  We were treated to a couple great moments right off the bat.  For the first time in the series, we did not have to watch Sean’s purple, sweaty body lifting weights looking like he’s thinking about golf during sex.  I was already in a great mood.

Then, he is in a fucking seaplane or biplane or some fucking awesome plane flying over… Montana.  Sean wanted to go to Montana because for the two-hundredth time, he’s “outdoorsy” and so he can put his women “to the test”.  I mean, I’ve made the Hunger Games parallel a million times on here, but let’s get real.  Just give these women swords and let them fight it out.  Sean is beating around the bush here.  He wants to torture them, he wants to find the most subservient one.  He’s looking to find a woman who will not complain no matter what crap goes on and do it to bask in the glow of his reverse ginger sun.

Since he is from Dallas, which I know well, let me flash forward to how this works out.  He’s 40 lbs heavier, all to his gut.  He’s golfing and banging the baby sitter.  She’s glad to be married, have a big Neil Lane diamond and pop out little purple children.

Big win for Strawberry Lemonade.  Little Orphan Hottie actually is stoked about this idea.

Guess who wasn’t stoked?  All the women when Chris Harrison came in with a cokehead’s enthusiasm telling them about a great trip to… Montana.  They’re all like “ew, I hate the middle east” except Princess Beyazmine and her nice Iraq who was like “that’s not the middle east, it’s the middle west”.  Wrong again.  It’s Middle Earth, you fucking dwarf.

So with the girls not stoked at all and Strawberry Lemonade ready to lick the backsides of some womens’ teeth (kiss them), they were off.

Date one was with Army Brat and ZOMG helicopter.

We got some of the triumphant bachelor theme, there was some “there’s no place I’d rather be” and such.  It was everything you expect from a helicopter ride except them jumping out into the ocean.  I’ll wait for the Caribbean week.

They cut this date fast, mostly because it was stupid.  This girl has gone in 3 weeks written all over him, unless he just wants to keep her for the fantasy suite because he won’t feel bad about a hit and quit and probably neither will she.  I suspect she tattoos Strawberry Lemonade’s face on her butt cheek either way.

When Sean had “another surprise” for Army Brat and didn’t start unzipping his pants, I knew they were going to walk down the street to see some band ABC is promoting for some reason that no one has ever heard of.  Check.  They did the awkward hug/waddle dance and Sean hid his boner successfully, mostly because Army Brat thought that meant real love.

She got the rose.

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The next date was Sean’s most sadistic “test” for these women ever.  It was basically like a triathlon of shit-kicking ending with the least subtle sexual innuendo in the show’s history where the girls must “milk a goat” and then “chug its milk”.  I had a hard time concentrating because of the, uh, money shot that was coming (no pun intended) at the end.  This was awkward even by Bachelor standards.  Somehow, watching the dudes last season go commando in Scottish kilts crotch-to-crotch in the Highland Games was WAY less awkward.  Mostly because Sean was calling this a test.  A test of milking a goat and chugging it’s milk.  Jesus, ABC.  Jesus.

Ironically, the most awkward thing was Beyazmine’s head scarf.  What the fuck was that thing.  It was like a tiny sweater alien was trying to Prometheus into her head.

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In the final leg of the tour, Joey Potter and Sarah are carrying a hay bale and thank God Joey Potter brought it in the next leg because keeping it real here, she was struggling to carry this with two hands, one more hand than Sarah needed to own that fucking hay bale.  Takeaway, don’t fight Sarah.  It reminded me of how in Cinderella Man, Russell Crowe (pre being the worst singer ever, Les Mis) had to lift the sacks at the dock with one arm and then he had a devastating jab.  That’s Sarah.  She will knock your teeth out.  Frankly, if she milked the goat it would have exploded.  Her, Potter and Little Orphan Hottie are the only acceptable answers to this season, but again, I am rooting for them all to lose so they win in life.  Lose the battle, win the war girls.

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Now that Joey Potter looked bad, she dove in, milked the goat with the intensity of your freshman year homecoming date and then in her words “took it like a champ” and chugged the goat milk.  Big win for the red team.  Low point for my blogging career.  Women everywhere, I am sorry.  Chris Harrison was definitely doing whippets when he devised this plan with Sean Lowe, which is German for Sadomasochist.

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Red team was getting some extra time with Strawberry Lemonade until SURPRISE, the Blue Team gets to come back.  This was after Guybrow and her Head Dent decided to show up anyway.

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I can’t stand this girl and I rarely say that.  I usually try to appreciate everyone on this planet for the ways they are fucked up, but this girl follows the same pattern every time.

  1. Be stand-offish with the girls
  2. Be cute with Sean away from the girls
  3. Stress eat everything in the house
  4. Be stand-offish with the girls
  5. Pretend to get seriously injured and cry to Sean
  6. Cry more to Sean
  7. MOAR CRYZ
  8. Get rose because Sean just likes her boobs
  9. Tell girls in the house “sorry I’m not sorry”
  10. Rinse and repeat
  11. (late night stress snack)

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Total duck face crier too.  Wouldn’t matter if she was the sweetest girl on the show because then you’d be sad she was crying.  In her case, I just keep hoping she gets dehydrated and pretends to fall down the stairs or something.

Whackflip is really angry.  Oh well.  The big surprise was that Anna Nicole Schlitz got the rose, presumably for being sexually aggressive, managing to form her first complete sentences on the show, and allowing Sean to be himself, which means kiss with more tongue than a bull frog mining for flies.

Finally, it’s the dreaded 2 on 1 (or Two on Juan as I used to joke with Lost Angeles homeboy Ben Flajnik) where two girls go and one returns.  Winter is Coming, bitches.

Guybrow is on the date with Who?, a great new nickname from my friend here in Portland because when she popped on screen, she was like “Who?”.  Exactly.

That said, Who was clearly the right choice, but she made the quintessential Bachelor tactical error:  Talking shit about a girl with big boobs that the Bachelor wants to have sex with.  This is the football equivalent of punting backwards on first down.  This never, ever works.  Sure, the news eventually gets there, but you will be a martyr for it.

Sean doesn’t take it well and in the end, Tierra gets another week of ruining my eyeballs.  Then she does some maniacal laughing and shit and cries a few times and eats a bag of Kettle Chips (New York Cheddar) in secret.

The cocktail party was more of a cockfight.  The girls kind of confronted Guybrow and then at the same time, Sean started figuring out that Tierra sucked.  Well, that everyone thought she sucked.  He tried interrogating girls, but none really took the bait.  In fact, Pretty Little Liar was so drunk and annoyed by the question she was basically like “dude, you want to marry someone that other people in the room don’t constantly hate” and then was like peace.  I liked that about her.

In the end though, only one person had to go home and since this is the Bachelor, it was Whackflip’s time to go, because this show is built on hate crimes.  I want to celebrate Whackflip though, she was the Jackie Robinson of this awful television show.  I can’t think of the last time an African American even got to go on a travel date, on Bachelor or Bachelorette.  Kudos to her, she’s better off anyway.  I am just sad I couldn’t combine names and call her Whacky Robinson, a woman after my own heart as a Dodger fan and a fan of, uh, living in a progressive multiracial society.

I am cutting this off because I need to do this again tomorrow.  I’m ready though.  Hope you are having a good day.  I’ll leave you with some fan pics from Cassie and Kiri who got the “surprise Sean and Harrison” visit during a viewing party.  Harrison, looks like he ate horse tranquilizers.

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I’ll see you tomorrow.  Dream of roses and me being an asshole.  I’d never make you chug goat milk.

 

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Bachelor Recap: Week Four

I do apologize for being a day tardy in bringing you your weekly fix of me being an asshole.  For my friends on the ground and in the bars with me, I am sure you have had your fix.  Between getting sick and work travel, it’s been hard to keep a normal “dogging women on television” schedule.  I am sure you can relate.

It’s week four.  No need for foreplay.  If the oven isn’t preheated by now, we’re not baking cookies.  Feel me?  Let’s BachCap.

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First off, what contract was signed that said I have to see Strawberry Lemonade in his skivvies every single week at the beginning of the episode?  I don’t get it.  Look, three weeks of him pumping iron and making some of the most awkwardly sexual “oh this weight is sooo heavy” faces and I think maybe we get a break.

Wrong.

We get a shot of him in black boxer briefs going through his outfit of bro shirts.  I figure this guy’s sex appeal is a lot like Coachella.  You know it’s over, like disco.  You know it’s stereotypical, uninteresting and the fodder for #humblebrags drowning your Facebook newsfeed (“got weekend two tickets, no big deal”).

But you don’t care.  Coachella is just like Sean in his fucking underwear.  You know it’s ridiculous but you like it anyway.  You must, or I can’t figure out why I know his ass better than my own (except for the fact my ass is behind me, maybe I get a pass).

Once Strawberry Lemonade was dressed and we were assured he could “totally see his future wife in this room”, we found out that Selma was getting the first one-on-one date.  I think we’ve all been excited to take her for a test drive.  She’s like Princess Jasmine if she wore yoga pants and was surgically enhanced.  I mean, there are websites dedicated to thoughts like that.  I mean, not that I know about them or anything…  Hey, did you get Coachella tickets?  [awkward pause]

Somewhere my wife just closed the browser.  Somewhere else your boyfriend just laughed because he was in a fraternity too.  I won’t ruin men for you guys until Bachelorette season.

Selma is the kind of girl who wants a luxury lifestyle and getting picked up in a limo was enough to bring out the baby voice which was only forgiven because she has a nice Iraq.

Suddenly, there’s a private jet and the part of me that loves this show woke up for a minute because in my mind no less than 64% of it’s appeal is travelling by air. That said, make it a helicopter next time and stop pretending we like planes more.  Helicopter plus Bachelor “Wonderment” theme song and a line like “being up here with Sean I could totally see marrying him” and we keep the world in order.  I could be the Adjustment Bureau for this show.  If they’d only call.  They can’t afford me.

When they land, Selma is mad pissed because Sean is peeling out in an SUV and the sand is totally fucking her hair up.  Then when he let’s her know they are rock climbing, she is extra pissed because she is a midget and hates anything athletic (that’s a warning for the bedroom, Sean).  Turns out though, she is good at rock climbing.  She gets up the rock at Joshua Tree faster than anyone I’ve ever seen, of course everyone I ever saw at Joshua Tree was on mushrooms so who knows what was really going on.

Strawberry Lemonade took his time so he could have an unobstructed 20 minute view of her ass in yoga pants.  Big win for the agency.

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Sean got to cuddle with her on top of a mountain Ron Burgandy style and stare down her shirt where he could see all of Iraq. Good looking and can climb rocks? The only issue will be in Dallas having to explain to his golf buddies that she isn’t Latina.

The night date was at a trailer park with lights that definitely hosted its share of acid-fueled bonfire, Dave Matthews acoustic jam sessions.  Selma instead decided to reveal for the 200th time that she is Arabic and from Baghdad.  Sean was like “that’s impossible we blew that place up in Operation Iraqi Freedom”.  Speaking of Operation Iraqi Freedom, Selma made it super clear that due to her family and maybe religious beliefs she wanted to kiss him but couldn’t.  He’d have to wait for that and anything else besides looking at her Iraq that she is always accentuating.  You get the sense her parents think she’s on American Idol right now and there will be an awful explanation coming.

Bottom line, there’s a monster issue.  Sean is probably going to marry the whitest girl he can find because despite what he and ABC are telling you, we saw his backyard and the playhouse that’s bigger than my first four apartments.  That was the whitest group of people I have ever seen.  It was basically Dawson’s Creek on a golf course.  That, to me, means Sean is pulling the “keeping her for the fantasy suite” move, which I respect.  The problem is she isn’t going to give anything up unless he marries her and you know if he keeps her, she’ll be watching these episodes, seeing him ice cream lick every other girl’s face and she’ll go AWOL on their engagement.

It’s an impasse.  But her Prince Jasmine looks and her insistence on extreme birth control methods has earned her my newest nickname.  I give you Princess Beyazmine.  If you don’t get it, CLICK HERE.  She gets the rose, only because Strawberry Lemonade, like me and every other guy on the planet, never believes it when a girl says she wants to get with you but won’t.  You have to respect that Texas swagger.

The group date was at roller derby which is SO HOT RIGHT NOW because Ellen Page was in that fucking movie what’s-it-called and Netflix has a documentary about the Rose City Rollers in Portland, but don’t front like you are up on it ABC.   Come hang with me in PDX and I’ll show you roller derby.  It’s where we Marty McFly skateboard behind cars and go to every brewery in the Pearl and then go diving for treasure in the Willamette.  Stop fronting.  Stop trying to make Roller Derby the new Zooey Deschanel.  Fetch isn’t going to happen Gretchen Wieners.

We did get treated to one of my favorite Bachelor tests:  Who Looks Hot In A Helmet.  Winners here were Sarah and Little Orphan Hottie, who probably would look good in the first scene of Les Miserables being hazed by a tone-deaf Russell Crowe.

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I mean, Jesus, Strawberry Lemonade.  I know you want to go to Tahiti and see this thing out, but she’s not going to cheat on you, she’s going to organize your closet, she’s great with kids, even really ill ones, and she manages to look hot at all hours of the day.  The only person who could hate this girl is Lady Veneers (Emily Maynard), just because this girl is twice as nice and earnest and manages to be just as hot without resorting to fake teeth and telling me how amazing of a mom she is.

She was also cool to Sarah who had some legit reasons to not want to roller derby.  The thing is, she works at a great ad agency and if I know one thing about ad women, they are going to figure it out.  And guess what?  She didn’t eat shit hard.  You know who did?

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Neon Knight.  The producers did the mandatory “I think your jaw exploded” thing like when Ames “almost died” kickboxing like a 5th grade girl.  The thing is, she did get jacked up.  In the rose ceremony, her chin was messed up.  Whatever, she is a total ABC actress they planted and so this was a good way to boot her off.

We got robbed of seeing Guybrow try and eat a woman when Sean called off the competition and bored me to death with a free skate.  Skip to the night date.

Whackflip and Guybrow started going at it, but I was super distracted by the dent in Guybrow’s forehead.  I kept debating if she got that from years of raising one eyebrow every time a dude walked in the room or if she got if from some girl that hated her like all these girls do.  Her looks are far from the problem though and I’ve got many scars myself.

If we want to talk about the problem, it’s that she is crazy, pulled the awkward ambush move and got a rose out of it.  When she talks I don’t even know what the hell she is saying.  I recognize it as English but it’s like eavesdropping on a couple of French people describing what they hate about Americans.  The mind recoils.

The final one on one was one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen.  The diversity issue has been played up big time this season and I think Sean was not into Pretty Woman, but the producers were like, we need the best way to kick her off.  I know.  Let’s GIVE HER DIAMOND EARRINGS because that happens so much on dates.  Let’s let her max out the ABC Diner’s Club card at Badgely Mischka (on my old home turf, used to eat pho across the street on the regs, don’t think you can hide from me failed Missoni store across Little Santa Monica) on a dress and then let Neil Lane give her a 500K necklace to wear so she’ll feel pretty when she gets cut from the major league roster.

Pretty Woman was super cool and much prettier on this date when she was being easy going.  Sean said everything he had to in order to make it seem like he like HER but there was no romance.  He kept saying “I wanted it to be there” but if he wanted it to be there, it’d be there.  Princess Beyazmine said nothing the whole time, denied him any hope of sex and got the rose because she is hot.

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Keeping it real, doing a Pretty Woman themed date and then sending a girl home is cold shit.  They couldn’t even do that in the movie, even though 10 out of 10 times the businessman doesn’t marry the hooker.  That’s what the producers said with this date.  Here’s some fancy clothes, now go to the abattoir.  This was some cold shit, man.  Let’s not forget Pretty Woman is ABOUT A PROSTITUTE.

She was cool on the way out.  Wishing her the best, she didn’t embarrass herself.

Back at Downton Abbey:  Crazy Drunk Chick Edition, we got to see that Pretty Little Liar dressed up all Memoirs of a Geeksha.  What was the thought process of going kabuki theater to a rose ceremony?

Then, the best news of all time.  Guybrow is a stress eater.  I haven’t seen one since my favorite girl ever Chantal from years ago.  Guybrow is flirting with some massive weight gains due to booze, hormones and apparently Kettle Chips.  So few people ever are seen eating on camera, you figure she must be doing it so much they couldn’t cut around it.  Can’t wait, can’t wait.  Let the chardonnay flow.

Neon Knight got cut.  We’re all super sad.

Next week, a two night event???  Let me know how you think I should cover it in the comments section.  Live tweet one night, full post Weds?  Two posts?  One monster post?  Comment and tell me.  And follow my social channels already.

See you soon.  XOXO, Gossip Zack.

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What’s Gaby Cooking and Lost Angeles Bachelor Meal.

It’s not every day that you get the opportunity to pair with a renowned food blogger, celebrity chef and cookbook author to plan a meal.  Well, for you maybe, but for someone as handsome and good at life as I am, I can do this every day.  That’s because my wife is friends with Gaby Dalkin of What’s Gaby Cooking.  You can check out her amazing food blog or pre-order her amazing cookbook, or you can get to know her through this.

Her husband is a sports fanatic and bourbon loving ad man like I am, but today I am partnering up with his better half on a little idea we had.

We wanted to make a dinner for you to cook that would be inspired by America’s worst shit show:  The Bachelor.  For Gaby, this was probably easy.  I will link you to her carb-heavy, slut and glut comfort food recipe at the end of this post.  Going in, I knew her plan was to go carb heavy, possibly sausage heavy (we’re not being subtle) and basically create a culinary guilty pleasure to liken to The Bachelor.  I’ll let her wax poetic about the symbolism, just know we had fun discussing it.  She’s worth reading every time she posts.  She’s one of us.

I decided to bring my better-than-you’d expect mixology to the table and create a drink to pair with her meal.  Not totally sure how well the actual pairing will go, but individually I know these stand up.  I crafted a new beverage called The Rose Ceremony and it is a riff on the St. Germain Cocktail which I have enjoyed at many a poolside in Los Angeles on a hot summer day.  Sure, it’s raining here in Portland, but it’s sunny on the Bachelor so that’s what counts.

To craft the Rose Ceremony and keep it true to its namesake event, I had a few guidelines:

  • Have it taste good
  • Make it sour enough to remind us of the ugly criers that get sent home roseless
  • Use roses in the drink
  • Use Chardonnay in the drink (not that easy)
  • Use at least three kinds of alcohol so that you know what the girls feel like at 4am when they are eliminated
  • Impress you that I can craft cocktails like a demon and make you even more attracted to me

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To start, here’s what you will need:

  • A glass that makes you feel like an asshole when you hold it
  • The juice of 1 lemon (around 2 oz please)
  • 1 oz of Tito’s Vodka (it’s from Texas like Sean)
  • 2 oz of unoaked chardonnay (Sauvignon Blanc or Champagne would work better but that isn’t the deal.  Please don’t use the oaky shit I make fun of)
  • 1.5 oz St. Germain elderflower liqueur
  • 1 tbsp Rose Water
  • Club Soda to taste
  • A big ass ice cube if possible (to represent the Neil Lane ring the winner gets to keep for 3 weeks until they call it off)

In a glass, combine the lemon juice, vodka, chardonnay, St. Germain and rose water.  Stir.  Add the ice cube and pour club soda to fill your glass.  Add a little lemon peel if you feel fancy.  I did.

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Now, drink.  You’ve just made The Rose Ceremony, the first cocktail from Lost Angeles and the only you will find with Chardonnay in it because, well, it sucks.

Next, CLICK HERE to see Gaby’s recipe.  Take pictures of you enjoying our offerings and they will get posted for the BachCaps.  We think Monday night is a great time to try it.  Will you accept that rose?

If you do, use the hashtag #GZbachmeal on instagram to show us what you got!

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Bachelor Recap: Week Three

Before we get into it, I have a couple big announcements that as the most handsome blogger in North America who understands how to make every pre and post prohibition cocktail known to man, I demand you pay some attention before I start making some reality game show contestants want to drink Drain-O to make it all end quickly.

The first, is that I am finally doing a little co-partnership with my good friend Gaby Dalkin of What’s Gaby Cooking, a killer chef, food blogger and soon to be published cookbook author.  Besides having been a personal chef to Jessica Simpson, amongst others, she has also put up with me for many years and introduced me to her husband, with whom I have covered up many crimes, especially in Las Vegas.

What Gaby and I have planned is to release two recipes this Thursday.  Gaby, will take the dinner course and I will be showing you how to make a cocktail.  Together, you will cook her recipe and build my cocktail and sit and enjoy week four of the Bachelor.  It’s going to taste great and my drink will at least ensure you are drunk before the show starts.  It’s like a valium before surgery.

So, look out for that if for no other reason than to try some of Gaby’s food.

The second bit is a request.  Full disclosure, I work for an advertising agency and we’ve worked on a project where people can basically Kickstarter a vehicle.  Well, a fraternity at USC is going to crowdfund a Dodge Dart to donate to Meals on Wheels.  I want you all to do me a favor and donate them a couple bucks.  I am proud of the project, but I’d be most proud if it was used for good, hopefully to offset the damage my promotion of the Bachelor does to this and future generations.  Please CLICK THIS LINK and give a dollar, ten dollars, hell, a C-note if you appreciate me.

And now, let’s BachCap.

Holy shit!  Strawberry Lemonade was working out this week to intro the show.  If this was Foursquare, he’d get a fucking badge and some copy like “Three weeks in a row looking homoerotic on a treadmill?  Your self dignity says no, but your biceps say yes!”

Then I ignored everything he said, because, well, he’s Strawberry Lemonade and the only thing I pay attention to with him is the fact that every time his kisses a girl he puts his hand on her leg like she’s a manual transmission car.  Sean doesn’t make out with girls, he drives stick.

First one on one date was Pretty Little Liar who has all the game of an 8th grader in a hot tub.  They get in a limo and head to the place that every producer on a Hollywood show takes reality show contestants:  Hollywood Boulevard.  Let’s list my memories of Hollywood Blvd.  I puked on it once back when my band had a rehearsal space off Vine in a tenement house (but Adam Brody’s band rehearsed there too, get turned on again women!).  My high school reunion was at the W so I let a valet take my car there.  I ate at Mel’s there a few times when the Sunset location felt too far away.  I won’t even go to a strip club there.

CHRIS HARRISON, LESLEY M., SEAN LOWE

Every other Hollywood Blvd experience?  Trying not to get raped by homeless street performers dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow and Chewbacca.  Literally, you can be sober on a Tuesday at 2pm and it’s like 4am at Burning Man with a head full of acid and someone trying to cut your arm off with a tree branch while asking you for money.

But hey, let’s go to the Guinness World Records place that I have driven by 1000 times and never gone in because I am not an asshole tourist from Osaka with a shitty travel agent.  In fact, this date was awesome because I got to see inside a building I have never been in and after 18 years in LA, there aren’t many of those.  Side note, when you are up in Portland, sometimes the Bachelor can make you homesick.  Cured.  You showed me Hollywood Blvd and Guinness.  Bring on the rain, Pac Northwest.

While walking around the museum and listening to Pretty Little Liar in her too short dress try and talk about what’s interesting about these “exhibits”, we find out Strawberry Lemonade’s dad (and family) are the kind of people who set GBOR records.  97 straight hours in a car?  Don’t marry into this family.  This isn’t like, let’s go do the hot wings challenge at the local sports bar.  This is like “let’s talk about God and ammo for 48 straights never stopping”.  Fuck.  That.  Noise.

They go outside and there’s a stage, a man in a ridiculous dinner jacket (I know you know Downton watchers) who has the depressing job of taking something like a GBOR record seriously and a crowd of homeless people, tourists and drug peddlers.  The drug peddlers explain why Chris Harrison decided to pop out at just that moment, in a Michael Scott “pretend I am the ring leader at a circus” vest.  Harrison wears a suit better than anyone on earth.  I hate when he goes casual or worse, circus casual.

Pretty Little Liar and Strawberry Lemonade have to make out for 3 minutes and 16 seconds and set a record for longest on screen kiss, which to fulfill, meant we had to watch all 3:16 seconds of it.  The situation did not stop Sean for grabbing her ass a few times.  Hard to stop a trained behavior, wait til he starts beating her without knowing why.

I thought the point of this was to force Strawberry Blonde to get some muscle memory on how to kiss.  Normally, he sticks his tongue out like he’s trying to eat Gogurt.  As later kisses this episode show, he learned nothing.  I have to close my eyes when he makes out with girls because it’s worse than watching surgery on television.  Frankly, it’s more invasive.

Later they go upstairs and Pretty Little Liar talks about how Sean is perfect, which she will regret in about a month.  Publicly.  On television.  With tears.

Then she does that awkward game that kills sperm count where you talk about kissing and shit before you kiss.  It’s like watching two 8th graders fall in love.  Then Strawberry Blonde said he was making her blush, which was the purple-faced lemonade head calling the kettle… purple?

Magic, lazers, fairy dust, thank god, a commercial.

Group date, bitches.  We’re going to Zuma beach ten minutes from the mansion where my entire high school used to go to see each other in less clothes each summer and where every fucking commercial about rollerskating at the beach is filmed.

My wife knew a physical challenge was coming because she pointed out that suddenly, all these girls were wearing sports bikinis designed to make sure Guybrow’s boobs didn’t carry her out to see.  I wasn’t worried.  If her eyebrow raises don’t carry her to space, she’s fine.

Much like during Ben’s season, the girls were going to play a sport and the winning team gets MORE TIME WITH STRAWBERRY LEMONADE.  Unlike Ben’s season, instead of playing baseball in a creepy Puerto Rican Estadio, this was low budget let’s play volleyball on a public beast.  Way to spoil us, ABC.  Guinness and now this?  You’re too good to us.  Fuck you.

These girls were so bad at volleyball they couldn’t even pretend to cut together a montage that showed any back and forth.  Why was the score tied the whole time?  No one ever got it over the fucking net.  This looked like the fucking Puppy Bowl before the Super Bowl where it’s just a bunch of puppies chasing chew toys around a kennel and they call it football.

Someone, blue team “wins”.  Anyone Can Model takes this way too fucking hard and I kept hoping a seagull took a shit in her hair, but no such luck.

The night date was back at Strawberry’s house.  Again, way to spend ABC.  Did you pick up Baja Fresh for them on the way home too?  Sean probably was like “I’ll take my Burrito Mexicano enchilado style” and the producers were like “fuck that, what do you think this is, Dancing With The Stars?  You get some chips.  Now work out on camera or you don’t get the salsa”.

Harrison must have spent the budget on some really, really good shit.  This episode started off CHEAP.

DANIELLA, TARYN, LESLIE H., SEAN LOWE, DESIREE, AMANDA, CATHERINE, KACIE B., ROBYN, JACKIE, TIERRA, KRISTY

The only thing of note besides the fact that Neon Knight can show all her fucking teeth at once (even works, she’s one of like five girls still on the show that do this) is that Beyan supposedly went nuts and tried to say that Neon Knight and Joey Potter were in a fight and somehow this made her in the middle of it.

We all know Beyan is just there to focus test her.  Will she be the next Bachelorette?  So, they need to get her off the show.  I just wanted them to try harder than to have a girl who we’ve seen be normal just make duck faces and make up some weird ass story about being in the middle of an argument that didn’t exist.  The thing about bad writing is that it stands out even on a bad show.  There’s a reason you all gave up on Gossip Girl for a few minutes there.  There’s a reason you gave up on 90210 (the new shit).  There’s a reason Sex and the City 2 made most of us want to eat dynamite and matches.  Even good things can be poorly written.

But yeah, Kacie B. “career Bachelor contestant” isn’t auditioning for the Bachelorette…

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Whatever, the wedding dress girl who talks like Shoshana from Girls (in one long sentence) gets the rose and some disgusting tongue first kissing.  Good on you, GIRLS.

The date card shows up and Guybrow pretends it’s a two-on-one and everyone is like “WHAT A BITCH” and for the first time ever, I was on Guybrow’s side.  Take a joke.  And that was the last joke of the show.

The second one on one date was going to be AshLee, who due to a sad story about having ten foster homes has two capitals in her first name, presumably because she was named by a handful of different people and just took bits and pieces of that melange of names.  You bet I used the word melange.  Don’t be so turned on.  I got it off a jar of peppercorns.  I can cook.  Be turned on again.

Besides another bit of bad writing where Guybrow falls down the stairs conveniently when Sean is over and he waits 20 minutes and says “she may have a concussion”, we were almost ready for one of the show’s finer moments.  But first, we were made to believe paramedics were going to let a woman they put in a neck brace walk away then sit slacker style on a couch.  Just stop.  Either go Hunger Games, or don’t.  She didn’t fall down the stairs.  I just hope no one actually died because there was a team of EMTs pretending to secure the head of a moron.  Worse, could we have skipped the TEN teasers pretending like this scene was interesting.  Cheers to Guybrow for wearing see-thru clothes tho.

Little Orphan Hottie, who is nails, gets the charity date.  They go to Six Flags, it’s empty and two nice young girls with serious diseases come and ride in the park.  I don’t have much to say, this was a great thing for them and Little Orphan Hottie looked hot the whole time and clearly is a nice person.

She told her story to Sean and he cried and that was maybe the first genuine moment I’ve seen on this show.  What a perfect Texas wife she’d make.  She’s hot, she’s glad to have a home and when you go play golf, she actually enjoys putting all your shit away in perfect working order.  Sign us all up.  I mean, literally, compared to being abused and shuffled through the fucking foster home system, Sean working on basal cell carcinoma on the golf course and being home organizing his workout board shorts seems like a walk in the part.

She’s a contender and if she isn’t, I got some friends that are interested.

Rose ceremony, blah…  Anyone Can Model was kicked off.  I forgot the other.  Oh yeah, Beyan.  Who wasn’t ever really there and was wearing a wetsuit, presumably because she was filming an underwater breach scene for a Bond film.

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Bachelor Recap: Week Two

Sorry for the brief delay.  Contrary to popular belief, I write this blog only to be famous amongst attractive people.  During the day, I am an evil computer wizard playing mind games.  This took me to Detroit for the Auto Show where I sat inside lots of different cars Chris Harrison probably knows how to dismantle and stash drugs in.

Speaking of Chris Harrison, my phone and later Instagram blew up with attractive USC girls taking candid pics with Chris, who spoke at a class there and took everyone out afterwards for Chick-Fil-A.  Because sober people take a horde of hot sorority girls to eat a physical ton of fried chicken.  Your honor, the prosecution rests.  And the prosecution loves Chris Harrison.

Okay, let’s BachCap.

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Strawberry Lemonade is from Dallas.  Someone tell me why his backdrop is in Middle Earth.  I know they drill the line that it’s a “journey” to find love into our brains, but was it “An Unexpected Journey”?  Can we expect the hometown dates to include dwarfs?  Are they going to have sex in a hot tub in Rivendell.  Explain yourself.

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I am so tired of watching Strawberry Lemonade lift weights and make porn faces and it’s only week two.  I would have taken a better screencap, but I was trying not to look and the idea of scrubbing the video back and watching it again to get a clip without the video controls seemed worse than an optional catheter.

Side note, do you guys feel like there are more catheter infomercials on late at night or is that just Portland?  Is there some shit going on I am not aware of?  Should I be rocking a catheter for fun?  I had a kidney stone once and when I woke up from surgery I apparently had one in and when they took it out I literally made the face Keanu made when they unplug him from the Matrix in that pod of pink goo.

What the fuck was I saying?  You can feel sorry for my wife.  That detour I just took happens at dinner.  With waiters.

Harrison let’s the women know Strawberry Lemonade is the most sincere bachelor of all time, which I know meant a lot to a group of girls who voluntarily are competing for a dude that has agreed to pick a wife on a game show.  Sincere as hell, people.

Soon enough, the date card arrives and the most untouchable contestant ever gets the date.  You guessed it, the attractive girl with one arm who also works at an agency I have friends at.  She is incredibly hard to nickname.  I am just hoping she says something I can work with soon.  In the meantime, I have to take a reader suggestion and go with Soul Surfer.  I feel dishonored.  I should have had that.

The good news is, Soul Surfer helped me create a nickname for the political whatever-the-fuck from DC who made an awful face the moment the date went to Soul Surfer.

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That’s the face of “charity date’ and in that moment I realized ABC was using her as a screen test for an upcoming guest role on an ABC Family show.  She totally looks like the bad guy in a young teen high school drama.  She seems down to earth, but you go sleep at her house and she’s not a virgin and you are prude for thinking pot is a big deal.  I give you Pretty Little Liar.

Strawberry Lemonade may be a meat stick, but he’s running with Lost Angeles super friend Ben Flajnik for “Bachelor Who Gets It”.  The ladies here a noise outside and guess what?

ZOMFG.  HELICOPTER.  EPISODE TWO.

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Give me a rose, Sean.  For real, bro.  You get it.  You will let them do whatever to you.  Have Arie on?  Sure.  Homoerotic work out montages to open every show?  Fuck yeah.  Title screen based on Lord of the Rings?  Why not.  Strawberry Lemonade, there’s hope for you yet.  Not with kissing though.  You’re fucked with that.

Soul Surfer said something about how having one arm doesn’t mean she has less love to give.  No shit.  That’s why when people are in love they say shit like “my heart belongs to you”.  They don’t say “my left arm skips a beat when I see you”.  I’m torn, I totally can see how it’s courageous for her to compete in this hellish arena, but let’s keep it real.  She’s hot.  She works at an office of hot people.  I think it’s fair to say you’d get with her, America.  When the Elephant Man is on Bachelorette, we’ll talk.  She’s a contender.

Strawberry Lemonade proved he reads this blog by going big with his first date.  It will never be lost on me that he took a woman with one arm and asked her to jump off a fucking building.  I know there was probably some ABC tomfoolery because of Soul Surfer recanting the tale of her not being allowed to zipline and this being a way of making it right, but when it’s a show designed to ruin your life, what is the point.  We’re organizing deck chairs on the Titanic again, Chris Harrison.  And I love you for it.

About the ziplining thing.  Her father told her when she was a young girl “that’s why she needs to find a man to take care of her”?  He should have made the zipline attendant apologize and admit what his salary was and show a photo of his crunchy, granola girlfriend who didn’t grow up half as hot as Soul Surfer.  Thanks Dad.

Also, hey harness guy.  When you woke up, you knew you’d be on TV, right?  Maybe next time don’t wear a Jurassic Park shirt and force some poor bastard at ABC to spend his weekend rotoscoping your t-shirt you got as a PA in 1991.  I get that they give people t-shirts when they work on movies.  What I don’t get is why people wear them.  You heard me guy at Dodger game wearing a 500 dollar leather “According to Jim” jacket.  You are an asshole.

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The freefall went well, the after date went well, Soul Surfer nabbed the first tongue-forward kiss of the season and I was ready for a the group date.

Whackflip reads the date card, it’s the usual BS from everyone.

They go to a manor, which is a great word, to do a photo shoot for the cover of a romance novel series.  It’s an excuse for everyone to dress slutty and for Strawberry Lemonade to take her shirt off.  Clearly there was no Bowflex handy.  The “model” was super stoked.

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Is there anything more annoying than someone repeatedly reminding you they are a “model” or “actor”.  I am guessing Morgan Freeman doesn’t have to remind people at dinner he is an actor.  Guessing Kate Moss doesn’t giggle when a camera comes out and say “this is so my thing!”  Here’s my point.  Remember in Ratatouille when Gusteau says “anyone can cook”.  Here’s proof “anyone can model”.   I give you Anyone Can Model.

Credit to Anyone Can Model, she at least kept her eyes on the prize.  Tierra Nevada (not her nickname) was talking shit to Whackflip about her extensions and then Whackflip called her a tacky ass ho or something.  Girls are awesome.  They talk shit sometimes in the way cell phones work.  They don’t connect directly.  They bounce their shit off a satellite.

The women are onto Tierra.  They get that she’s the B in Apartment 23 when not with Sean, but she then becomes Flirt McGirt when he’s around.  In fact, her right eyebrow explodes north up her face the moment Sean enters the room.  It’s a man-activated eyebrow. I give you Guybrow.

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You will never not notice this the rest of her time on this show.  Guys, you will probably be looking at her boobs.

There were vampires, hooker cowgirls and weird period pieces.  Pretty Little Liar was working it pretty hard and proving my nickname, but Anyone Can Model stepped in and basically gave him a lapdance and in doing so, won the day.  I felt bad for Whackflip because I feel like the race card was at play here.  Maybe I don’t spend enough time in airport bookstores, but I haven’t seen too many interracial trashy romance novel covers.  Not surprised after this date she said something to Sean about if he likes all kinds of girls.  Not to jump ahead, but as smooth as his answer was, I felt like when he was rattling off the different races he dated he worked hard not to say “I’ve dated sushi, hummus, uh, do Italians count?”

Whatever, I kinda dig Whackflip.  I have a feeling she’s going to make women insecure when the swimsuit competition starts.  For realz.

Later, Pretty Little Liar choked on trying to get a kiss, but then came back and took one by force.  Anna Nicole Schlitz didn’t like it.

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beyan got the rose which probably lead to Pretty Little Liar plotting with the rest of her cheer squad how they could embarrass her before the big dance.

I can’t remember when, but one girl made a comment about being vegan and still liking beef, meaning Strawberry Lemonade’s muscles.  I am pretty sure Harrison was stoned and bet a producer an eighth he could get her to say that line.  Game, set, match Harrison.

Final date went to Joey Potter, the bridal store woman who gave up on Dawson and is bringing her weird Katie Holmes mouth movements and just Alba-enough looks into the dark horse role.  SL is way into her.  So much so, that he let a still blazed Chris Harrison talk him into playing a prank on her.

A 1.5 million dollar sculpture falls over when she’s alone in a room and the worst actor in the world accuses her while Harrison and Sean eat Hot Cheetoes and Skittles with Big Gulps in the next room.  Seemed like Joey Potter knew this was a prank, but she’d have been sure if she knew what Chernobyl was, the place the glass from the sculpture was reclaimed from.  For those of you at home, it’s radioactive.  It was absurd.  It was over her head.

She brought her rocking body to the hot tub party and got some gross ass Strawberry Lemonade kisses.  She’s in good shape.

The cocktail party was dominated by three key events.  There was Bad Hair Year kicking herself off the show and doing everything but saying “namaste” on her way out.

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Guybrow was the first person I ever saw eat on this show, which gives me hope she could have some awesome weight gain a la Chantal (my old fav) if she stays around long enough and doesn’t die in whatever the paramedic scene from next week ends up being.

Lastly, that crazy girl who smiles with all her teeth came out in a neon yellow dress with, like, should armor in the shape of roses.  I thought she was going to jump on a horse and do battle with Jim Carrey at Medieval Times.  Neon Knight was born and like Guybrow, turned it on just enough on camera with Strawberry Lemonade.

In the end, Isla Shitter (we barely knew you) and that girl who never got to talk peaced out.  Maybe someone else.  It’s still too early.  And right now, it’s too late.

We’ll get back at this next week.  XOXO, Gossip Zack.

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Bachelor Recap: Week Juan

See what I did with that title?  It’s Latin and sexy.  I bet you are in the mood now.  The mood for a piece of plantain-wrapped salmon thrown in a pit of spider monkeys.  Or like, the Bachelor.

For those not keeping up with my jetsetting lifestyle, I have been preparing for this season in my new home in Portland, Oregon.  You have no idea the spread of locally-sourced charcuterie and Willamette Valley pinot that I drank as we watched Strawberry Lemonade’s journey for love begin.

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I mean, I literally made a bourbon/earl grey/chanterelle mushroom ragout with ingredients found within eight blocks of my house on a guided “herb tour”, which are super hot in PDX right now.  If you haven’t been here, don’t.  You wouldn’t understand.  Here’s something you might understand. I look fucking amazing in flannel and rain gear.  You’d give me the rose.  You are reading this.  That’s giving me a rose.

Think about it.  I moved to the Rose City because you guys give me so many roses.  Still not convinced?  Every morning I go to Multnomah Falls and bath myself in front of German tourists.  Check their Yelp reviews.  They like what they see.

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Football has ended and shamelessly, the Bearfighter begins his hibernation ritual.  It’s that awkwardest of awkward periods:  between football and baseball where my only competitive sport is giving desperate women and men nicknames and casting stones upon them from my happy marriage and legion of super attractive readers of all sexes, races and religions.

So, without further adieu, let’s ruin Strawberry Lemonade’s life, just like he ruins womens’ lives by kissing them with more tongue than a deli meat counter.

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QUICK TIME OUT.  I was shocked to find out One Direction and Lady Veneers didn’t make it.  Then I went outside and was shocked it was raining in Portland.  Then some magicians entertained me in my living room with a wild light and sound show only for me to find out it was just “the television”.

I mean, no wonder Neil Lane is down to give out rings.  He just gets them back in 6-12 weeks.  I digress…

First off, HOLY SHIT OPENING MONTAGE.  Not since Brad Wifebeater were we treated (or mistreated by) such a gratuitous amount of man knockers.  Credit to Strawberry Lemonade for what must be a hellish routine of playing golf and lifting bibles, because homeboy is jacked up.  That said, Chris Harrison had to be on so many mushrooms when he planned out Strawberry Lemonade’s work out routine.  It was:

  • Light 10 yard jog across awkwardly small backyard
  • Turn purple under the sun and set a solid foundation for skin cancer (10 reps)
  • Check out your arms while you use a Precor all-in-one weight lifting machine like the one in your parents garage (you heard me Mom).

Then the producers acknowledged my years of unlikely service to this shit show of a shitty show by having Strawberry Lemonade cut strawberries.  And he cut them like a dude who sucks in bed.  Who cuts them in the air like that?  If you can’t figure out to put it on a cutting board, you probably can’t figure a lot of other shit out too.

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Case and point, when Arie showed up dressed like a highlighter and taught him how to kiss.  They drank light beer together and discussed how to make out with girls, which was tough.  On the one hand Strawberry Lemonade needs help.  I physically wanted to puke every time he made out with Emily last season.  At the same time, Speed Racer was the second grossest kisser on earth.  It was like going to rehab at Chris Harrison’s house.

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Fair warning, I don’t give out nicknames all in the beginning.  Nicknames are subject to change as these ass clowns screw up.  That said, let’s talk about the hot girl who had six foster homes.  We’ll call her Little Orphan Hottie and I suspect we’ll be seeing her around.  If she starts putting out too much, she could end up Personal Whoreganizer, but I doubt it.  Nothing like the Bachelor to make you deal with a woman who had a tough life and has supplemented that by becoming a personal organizer.  Like, she couldn’t control who her parents were, but she can control the order of her blouses in her closet.  I thought that was going to be the story intended to make us sad.

Chris Harrison wouldn’t leave it at that.  Not after drinking a bottle of Robotussin.

Then we met a really nice graphic designer who only has one arm.  I am just cringing at where this is going to go.  I also cringed at her client call where she was like “this campaign is all about getting noticed… in culture” and on her monitor was like a poorly photoshopped glass of something clear.  I’m glad Lemonade handled it well, she’s cute enough and far more normal than the vast majority of these failed strippers.  Plus she works at a good agency in LA.

Strawberry Lemonade got dressed and made a critical “how to suit” mistake.  When you are built like the Incredible Hulk about midway through your transition to a giant green muscle, DON’T WEAR A SKINNY TIE.  Regular ties looks like skinny ties on big dudes.  Ladies, you watch Mad Men.  Do you really want a guy who can’t figure out how to look like he gets business done?

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Somewhere in here, they cut to the limo arrival scene where I saw that they put a pound of silly puddy colored makeup on Strawberry Lemonade to he looks less, well, like a glass of strawberry lemonade.  In no particular order because I hate the first couple weeks:

  • Whackflip, who seems cool but earned the first “Bachelor Creepy Theme” by failing her second backflip in a full gown as she headed for Sean.  Despite her Wide Hair Part, she was cute enough.
  • The was Booze Ship Entertainer, the, uh, cruise ship singer who made the cardinal sin of singing on the Bachelor.  She also made the cardinal sin of dressing like a character from a XXX rated Ice Capades.  You know, Disney on ice except instead of the princess getting saved, the princess just gets down.
  • There was the 50 Shades of Gray girl who, had she not drank her way off the show, I would have called her 50 Pills of E.  You all miss out.  Except some dude in Michigan who is going to get a whole lot of crazy.  Maybe in a good way?  Not sure.
  • There was the one girl who looked like the mom of Modern Family (or the love interest from Happy Gilmore if you are old school) who just cried in a corner and let her boobs hang out.  I’ll call her Double Dunphy.  For now.
  • There was Isla Hooter, but I don’t remember much about her except she looked like a not-as-cute Isla Fisher with, well.  You get it.

There are some girls on the show that I have high hopes for.  I think there is real nickname potential.  The political consultant (keep it real, she makes copies for a living and if she didn’t, she will now that she was on the Bachelor, which sort of kills any career in politics).  Seriously, you are better off doing cocaine on an airforce base than being on this show.  Ask George W.

Then there was the return of Beyan, one of my personal favorites.  That said, she has had the uppercase B in her nickname demoted to a lowercase one until she starts eating again.  I feel like her and I are friends on Facebook.  beyan, I really like you.  You are cute, you have the good southern accent (not like Princess Jasmine who I had no idea what the fuck she was saying even when she was kicked off) and you deserve to find love.  But you also deserve to find a sandwich.

You need to be healthy for when predictably you find a reason to leave the show and sign on as the Bachelorette.  The only thing about that I really love is that it must mean you killed your parents, got them to chill the eff out or destroyed their television.  In fairness, she’d make a great Bachelorette.  She’s pretty funny.  Like when she told The Wasted Veil she needed some water.  That was the drunk woman in the fucking wedding dress.

Poor Strawberry Lemonade.  We’ve all been there, fellas.  Dancing with a hammered girl and doing anything to not line your face up with her because you fear she may vomit in your mouth.  In my experience, only your wife, a stage five clinger and a girl so drunk she may projectile vomit Chardonnay into your mouth try that hard to kiss you and make you dance.  Harrison paid Lemonade in heroin balloons to keep her on the show.

Divorce is a good look for Chris, who again owned in his gray suit.  He even updated the show to fix the first episode.  Giving out roses the whole time was huge because you didn’t suffer through that first rose ceremony where you are like “who the fuck are these people”.   When he came in all classy clinking a fork he was using to cut up cocaine against his champagne flute, I was jacked up and ready for week two.

The montage showed me this season might be pretty good.  Lemonade is so derped out that he won’t get in the way of the tenants of this show.  I saw beach sluttiness.  I saw shit tons of helicopters.  There were mountain helicopters.  Fucking ocean ones.  There was rock climbing and people jumping off shit.  That one girl pretends to break her neck.  Wedding Planner (not sold on it) has her ex/current boyfriend show up and he fronts like he is going to hit Strawberry Lemonade.  I don’t think Sean knows his way around a naked woman, but I am confident he could knock out a dude weighing in at 165.

I have high hopes for new nicknames, adventures and a lot of hungover Tuesdays at work rationalizing how on earth I keep doing this.  Oh yeah, it’s for all of my attractive readers who have come out of hiding for the New Year.

As always, send me your pictures of how you celebrate the show and the blog and I will post them.  Creativity counts.  Just ask Whackflip.  Don’t ask Booze Ship Entertainer.

Happy Bachelor.  We’re just getting started.

Lastly, got a late submission from some fans in Salt Lake City.  Linnea and Co, thanks for reading!

bachelor night

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Why Tebow Won’t Be The Next Bachelor

The world exploded when Chris Harrison (probably under the influence of huffing fumes from industrial strength adhesives) leaked that he approached Denver Broncos running back quarterback Tim Tebow to be the next Bachelor.  Twitter was a-buzz about the possibilities of having one of the biggest stars of the NFL run the sexual favor gauntlet, but one blogger (thumbs pointed in, this guy) is calling bullshit right away.

The obvious reasons this won’t work out certainly, one would think, have to do with his faith and the fact that if you are on the Bachelor, you are going to hell.  Probably if you watch it.  Not that that is a bad thing or that I am actually citing “religious hell” (this is a non secular blog), but given Tim’s outspoken faith, this show might not be a great fit.

Here’s some thoughts to get you through Hump Day.  Pun intended if you want it to be.

  1. I am pretty sure Tebow claims to be a virgin (huge waste of being a star quarterback at Florida if you have ever looked at the level of naked chaos in the Facebook album of any Florida student).  Being a virgin eliminates the fantasy suites.  Could anything ruin that episode more than getting helicoptered to a private beach, making out in the waves then night-capping it by not drinking and the guy refusing the fantasy suite 3 straight times?
  2. Will anything be more annoying that 25 girls in awkward dresses “Tebowing” when they get out of the limo and meet him?
  3. Regardless of your religious beliefs, talking about God and the Bachelor don’t mix.  I believe to thy own self be true and Tim is going to want to let his faith out, which is hard to take seriously in a hot tub filled with crazy chicks drunk off gallons of Chardonnay.
  4. Could anything in the world make opposing defenses want to tackle Tebow harder than they already do than him going on a reality television show and not having lots of sex?
  5. The dating would be the least extreme we’ve ever seen.  If you think Hey Bear’s frequent “let’s just want around a random market in Asia” dates were bad, think of how bad they will be when the Denver Broncos have to approve it.  An NFL QB is worth his weight in gold.  Every year pro athletes take massive shit for spraining ankles playing basketball or riding motorcycles and crashing them without wearing a helmet (sorry Big Ben Roethlisberger) and possibly sexually assaulting people in bathrooms (sorry again Ben).  What are the odds they are like “sure Tebow, why don’t you rappel off a cliff, dive out of a helicopter and climb up the suspension beams of a bridge.
  6. Tebow is boring.  Yes, I’d be super mean all season, it’s good for me, but all he does is drink muscle milk and throw weak spirals.  Also, who wants to watch a millionaire get a free engagement ring?
  7. Could Tebow even trust someone coming on a television show to date him?  NFL players need to watch out for people trying to get in their piggy banks.  I mean, 25 girls coming on television to date Tebow?  Danger mouse.

Look.  I am not a Tebow fan.  I wasn’t at Florida and I am not during the Broncos.  My vested interest in this is huge.  On the one hand, I would make fun of him so hard for the entire show, and that makes for awesome bloggage.  That said, I just don’t want the show to get ruined.  It’s the perfect trainwreck.

They already are doing so much for Emily May-nerd that I think next season suffers a bit.  Bringing in a celeb will maybe help ratings but hurt the show.  The Bachelor and its contestants must remain every-man gladiators willing to subject themselves to everything that is effed up with America for the benefit of the nation.  It’s the Hunger Games.  Putting Tebow in will be like fixing the outcome.

No thanks.  I like my bachelor neat in a clean glass and then I smash it against the wall and cry myself to sleep.  Let’s keep reality television surreal.

Actually, fuck it.  Bring on Tebow Time.  Regardless, never going to happen.  But this did.  Nice preview of who he’d select…

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Bachelor Recap: Week Three

Konichiwa, bitches.  Bachelor Week Three.  I was shocked the world was still going on after the Tim Tebow era ended, so just waking up on Monday was a great feeling.  Side note, Tebow:  First Virgin Bachelor?  Group prayer on group dates?  I know you are with me.  Who doesn’t want to see Chris Harrison destroy this guy with his charm and class three narcotics?

Anyway, ZBOW (or Tennisless Rafa Nadal) is back on his journey to “find love” and “what better place to find love than in San Francisco” which, like Sonoma, is also his hometown.  Ben’s bringing a strong theme of letting these girls know that if they want to land the winemaker, they better love his hometown.  Both of them (not including his third hometown, which I am pretty sure is still Tucson).

HI JULIA!!!

Ben first met up with his sister, who I am actually friends with by way of my wife.  They are very much twinzies even though biologically, they are not twins.  I was riding in a car to a wedding in Sonoma once with Julia and she gave me no spoilers about the show, so she is a pretty good sister or Chris Harrison stole a vial of her blood and put a voodoo curse on her.  Either way, America can agree it’s a good looking family.

They got together to have some iced coffee or iced tea on a San Francisco day at a San Francisco coffee shop and everything was super San Franciscoish.   I was surprised they weren’t listening to def poetry and eating cioppino out of a sourdough bowl. Really though, we found out the purpose of Ben needing to see Julia before his first one on one date when he met Emily on the dock with the first truly awkward “excited to see you running introduction” of the season.

Ben was wearing a Lululemon sweatshirt, which I can only assume is why he hung with Julia before the date.  You know, to borrow her women’s sweatshirt.  My man Ben definitely borrowed a few of her blouses back on Hey Bear’s season.  He was the original pirate of the Caribbean on a few of those episodes.  I mean, it had to be a women’s sweatshirt.  I didn’t know Lululemon came in “man”.  That sentence sounded sexual.  You’re welcome.

So, what do you do in a women’s sweatshirt with a Contagion (the disease expert) who is afraid of heights.  Oh, yeah.  Let’s have her walk up the fucking Bay Bridge with just two clamps.  THANK YOU, BEN.  Finally we’re doing some Bachelor shit.  Hey Bear’s season was such a boring traipse through random Asian street market to random Asian street market, nearly void of all helicopters.  It was so refreshing that Ben took my blog’s advice and decided the best thing to do with a house full of crazy women who are not allowed to eat (see Chantal O.) unless they eat wine or vodka and are kept awake 24 hours a day with cameras on them is to make the participate in extreme sports.

This was the beginning of Ben fulfilling my hopes for him as a Bachelor.  Helicopters, base jumping, keeping it extreme.   The way Chris Harrison intended it when he invented this show after doing LSD for 3 weeks on a beach in Thailand with a couple monks that also create amazing artisinal salt dishes (a must for aspiring home chefs).

So Contagion started looking a lot hotter on this date.  Isn’t it weird when work boots and a hard hat make a girl look good?  It speaks to how the stylists on this show are just there to mess with people (especially Candy Striping Hooker whose earrings each week set new length and tackiness records).

Anyway, Contagion start panicking halfway up this completely buckwild test, and then Ben makes out with her because that’s what you do when you are way up in the air above a busy freeway being circled by helicopters and you are the Bachelor.  It’s text book.  By the way, how good are the fucking helicopter camera dudes?  Every single shot in this sequence was perfectly in focus, but the background was flying by faster than Chris Harrison on the back of a dirt bike after that time he killed a whole village of terrorists for their heroin supply.

By they time the got to dinner, ZBOW’s lips told the story.  He’d been making out with Contagion all night.  I knew this because he was wearing more lip gloss than all of my college invite dates combined.  Ben didn’t seem into it, but Contagion is smart and good looking so he gave her the rose.  And then made out with her.

The sheer amount of making out Ben does really makes me have to analyze the making out to determine who I think wins.  Some girls he does an over-abundance of lip-smacking pecks, the kind of kisses you don’t want your friends to see because the next time you go drinking with them they ask you who was the girl in that make out session.  Some girls get the open mouth porn star treatment, which doesn’t tell you much really, especially because Google is definitely going to prove Candy Striping Hooker, our “VIP Waitress” has actually done a LOT of porn.  In the 80s.  Because she’s old.

I loved how Harrison planted the telescope in their room so they could watch the date and the fireworks.  This season seems to be all about sleep deprivation, wine drunk (which is more emotional for girls than vodka drunk) and anything that can make them all insecure.  It’s like when the cops try to end a hostage situation by blasting bad music at the house until the criminals fucking crack like eggs.

The group date was amazing.  Ben basically just said put on some bikinis, it’s summer, then made these girls ski in their underwear down a busy SF street.  I got to know all the contestants better, including Kacie B. (my fav) who skiied butt first down the hill.  By the way, get used to calling her Butt First.

So how does this show afford to make an SF street a ski run?  They let Honda pay.  The product placement was at its worst last night with the explanation of the Nav having “wallpaper” and then the media buy of CR-V commercials about independent women who won’t get married until they’ve handled their leaplist.  Having worked in advertising so long, I can picture this conversation between the media company and ABC and being truly honest, I would have beaten the hell out of everyone in the room.  Come on media company.  Nothing screams “independent woman” like being forced to ski half naked on national TV for a one in fifteen chance of getting engaged to a person who will probably not go through with marrying you.

But yeah, totally get the product placement…

So, earlier this week I was chatting with ZBOW on Twitter about after this season coming up there and probably apologizing to his fiance (assuming he has one) about calling her some combination of needy, drunk, stupid, vain, anorexic and/or insecure and going out to watch some baseball and drink.

So Ben agreed to Tonga, it’s the coolest bar on earth and a must in SF (Anthony Bourdain and his 90s earring and Chris Costantino agree).  I was feeling pretty good until I realized Ben took ALL THESE BITCHES to Tonga.  WTF Ben?  I thought I was special.  We were going to rent a two person bike and maybe pick a fight with some homeless people after I drank too many Singapore Slings.  But now I know it’s just your spot.  My wife had to bake me cookies and buy me flowers before I got over it.  I thought I was special, brah.

I’m just effing with you, bud.  Tonga is a great place to go, especially on the Bachelor because it seems like you are drinking fruit juice but then you suddenly can’t walk and it starts raining INSIDE the bar and then a barge floats out and Girl From Ipanema starts playing.  Then you throw up at 3am and find yourself eating sourdough bread on a random corner in Russian Hill judging business people in turtlenecks coming out of coffee shops.

Wow, diversion.

Back up in the room, Friday Night Lights got the next one on one date and with it, a really ugly necklace in the shape of a key.  This girl needs some help.  Her hair is the worst since the Muppet (Ali) and she wears foundation that is literally two shades paler than her skin.  NOTE TO CONTESTANTS.  WHEN YOU SPRAY TAN, CHANGE THE COLOR OF YOUR MAKE UP.  She looked like an actor in a Shakespeare adapted movie who suddenly “falls ill” and then dies of something like “consumption”.  If she didn’t up and quit the show like a crazy person, I’d have changed her name to like Oregon Trail, because her make up looks like she was gonna fall ill to a disease from that game.  (Side note, you could only carry less than one buffalo’s worth of meat in the game, so why did we always shoot like ten of them and then waste ten bullets seeing if we could hit a rabbit.  Damn, Oregon Trail was the scotch).

Real quick.  Friday Night Lights was like a funhouse mirror.  She looked out of shape when she sits and when she stands she looks like a supermodel.  I quickly did a pH test of my water to make sure my wife hadn’t poisoned me and I was hallucinating.  I’m still here, so it wasn’t a mistake.

So, Ben didn’t seem to give a shit and instead gave the date to War Horse and her totally confusing head that looks like Picasso painted it.  Every time I see her an eye is in a different place or her teeth are at a different angle.  She looks good and all, I’m just mad confused.

So they went on a Trolley (only it wasn’t because it was a bus made to look like a trolley), they got some ice cream and then went to city hall where they were ambushed by a band I had never heard of (I think his name was Mike Macadoodler) playing a song I’d never heard of (and never will again) and then they danced and did some porn kisses.  I felt so bad for this musician’s family who all gathered around the TV for his “big break”.  It was like watching an old man eat alone at a dirty diner.  That’s how this guy made me feel.

Then, Ben took War Horse to a piano store to play the one song he knows, that David Gray song again.  Twice already.  I totally dig how this move must be his go to.  He brings girls to a piano and drops some 2005 David Gray and then it’s GO TIME.  In fairness to Ben, maybe he knows how to play more songs, but when Chris Harrison was given 50,000 dollars to spend on some song licensing for Ben, he spent 5K on David Gray and 45K on White China (that’s cocaine for you nice people out there).  Ben, you’ll have to tell me sometime when we’re at Tonga (yes, I’ve forgiven you and really, tiki drinks are amazing when you don’t want bourbon).

So, the big curve ball was the return of the Undertaker from Chico.  Holy shit.  One, she looks crazy good still.  Girl needs a new job.  Two, I have never seen so many girls get so damn insecure so fast.  It was like being at the beach and Brooklyn Decker shows up.  Swimsuit Issues, who everyone hopes starves herself to death, was rocking out at the cocktail party.  She was putting chicks down and making people hate her.  She went out with Ben and he grabbed her face and made out with her after she did a bunch of overbite-baby-talk, proving once and for all that if you are hot, you don’t need to play hard to get.  Pretty much, you just can play get.  Ben is all in on this girl no matter what she says.  Now, maybe they edit the show to create a villain and she is cool, but they are giving her the Michelle Money treatment for real.

Now, being that she is a model/actress/dancer/whatever from fucking Santa Monica, I knew at some point something would make her insecure and then, she’d crack.  Enter the Undertaker.  This is how the hot girl feels when the new girl is hot too.  She said if he picked Undertaker for a rose, she was “out”, only she didn’t do that because she is an actor and does whatever she is told whenever she is told.  Like when they said “go on Bachelor and win over Ben”.  Boom.  You got it.

Everything went to hell.  That sad faced girl who I just call Snuffaluffagus (I forget her real name) just cried through the entire cocktail party after that super awkward part where Shawntel got to talk to Ben alone, except everyone was standing directly behind them.  Did Chris Harrison drug Undertaker and tell her this was a good idea?  I mean, Ben should have picked her.  She is top 3 on the show.  Maybe they are setting Undertaker up to be the next Bachelorette, which will be cool until her hometown date where we have to have more embalming discussions.  Let’s keep it to helicopters and Tahiti, kthxbai.

Shit got so intense at the damn ceremony, girls were so wasted and drunk that literally one girl passed out (it might have been from the fact her dress appeared to be made up of chains, like she’d escaped an insane asylum and immediately qualified for reality television).  Snuffaluffagus just kept crying and looking gross.  She did have the line of the night when she said something like “on a scale of one to ten I want to throw up”.  I’m using that.

just found this pic, guess the name is Jaclyn. okay, I can forget that now. until I see snuffaluffagus and remember.

On a scale of one to ten, let’s go to dinner.

So, Pass Out, Snuffaluffagus and Undertaker get sent home.  Undertaker never gets treated right.  Even in a weird ass dress she looked good.  Even getting the most insecure hatred from a room full of drunk, tired hungry people, she looked good.  Ben, maybe keep her number, yeah?

At the end of the show, Ben announced they were going to Park City, Utah (which will for sure be referred to as his home).  Also, during the credits, Pass Out showed Ben her inner lip tattoo that said “amore” which is Italian for “bad decision”.  I am so glad she is gone.  She’s not even the fun kind of embarrassing drunk.  She’s the kind you hopes starts puking so you can lock her in the bathroom and pick it back up in the morning until she pukes again when someone orders eggs benedict and she smells the Hollandaise sauce.  Think back to college.

All right.  I’m out.  Keep it classy when you drink wine.  On a scale of one to ten, have a great week.

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