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Arrogant Game Preview: Arizona Wildcats

They days of finding reasons to be pumped up for our opponents are over.  I no longer need to resort to expensive, exotic techniques to fire my ass up enough to, in turn, fire your asses up.  It’s the transitive theory of ass fire.  It’s science.

This means no more breaking into donut shops and replacing bear claws with actual severed bear claws.  This means no more drinking contests with German tourists for pink slips (pronounced “pinkenschlippen”).  This means no more using cars as surfboards.

The football is finally enough.

This week we play the Arizona Wildcats, or as I refer to them, the “Lil’ Ducks”.  They are going to finally give our defense the chance to mess with a spread, up-tempo offense without the nagging inconvenience of “having a defense”.  Arizona actually runs the score up as good as anyone in our conference and with our defense being built to deal with Oregon, what better way to test drive ourselves than a romp with the Lil Ducks.  Or Cacti Kids.

The Wildcats are a sentimental favorite for me as my wife is from Tucson, my father in law teaches there and my freshman year I visited Coronado (Scorenado) and woke up in the hallway possibly covered in my own tears and tequila.  Then I ate some Sonoran Mexican food, drove like hell back to LA stopping only to piss in the desert, which was pretty awesome.

None of that matters to me right now though because to quote Fear and Loathing, “things just got serious”.

The Rose Bowl is always our goal because until the National Championship is in playoff format, it can only be taken so seriously.  There will be a fan base out there that gets snubbed from the game and they will be right.  Until we play to the end, the Rose Bowl is the goal and a natty is fine, but in the end half the country won’t recognize you winning it anyway.

To get to the Rose Bowl, a win against Arizona is a must.  It keeps us in the driver’s seat in the South and our free ride to the Pac Title Game.  That’s why we can’t be duped by the bevy of saguaros, Arizona sorority girls, quality Mexican food and bars you can smoke in.  We need to focus on the endzone.

USC will face a formidable spread offense that on paper compares favorably with Oregon, a true test for a defense devised in a lab by Kiffin and Son featuring faster, undersized death machines like Dion Bailey who are safeties playing linebacker.  Everything that didn’t work against Stanford defensively (and we still did well there) was mainly personnel because the road to glory is going to have to go through Eugene, Oregon, just like the road to cooler cities like Portland and Seattle.  We were allowed that one stupid loss to what I still think is a 3 loss Stanford team if our defense proves it was built for beating Oregon (which it did last year).

We have to start by beating the Wildcats, Wilma and Wilbur included.

While I am sure Arizona will air it out, run for the edges and put up points, USC has three things going for them that are undeniable.  The first is that I am hell with a pen.

The second is that Arizona’s defense is really the defense from Catalina Foothills High School (my wife’s alma mater), who are an admirable high school D, but not ready for the college game or Zona would be undefeated.  You know how smart kids would go to community college for math class?  That’s like the Foothills defense.  They go to Arizona for gameday and have been known to try anything to stop the deluge of scoring against them.  They will make you eat Los Betos all night until you shit yourself.  They will tip a saguaro on the team bus.  They’ll stick dried chilis in your gas tank.  They don’t care.  Anything to avoid having to tackle.

The third thing we have going is that RichRod is a huge tool.  Kiffin is a dick.  That’s what we like about him.  RichRod is a tool.  After helping ruin college football at WVU by implementing a style of football guaranteed to not produce NFL talent, he went to Michigan and ruined their program just in time to be banished from the sport for a while.  He was on Real Sports when they were talking about college sports, sanctions and the lot.  The turncoat might as well have been working for the NCAA.  For this, the cloud god will punish him (see my med influenced post last week).

He is a perfect fit for a Wildcat team that can recruit speed at a lower star level and put them in space.  This will not help the Foothills Falcons defense, but they will score points.

Real quick.  I feel like I know people like Wilbur and Wilma.  I feel like they just got back from Havasu, still drunk, but are also still looking to party.  I kind of dig it.

Being a must win, the key for us is to see how we look.  Kiffin is so mind-game city this week, it’s hard to know what the hell the goal is for the game beyond winning.  Do we show Oregon everything?  Is there more-hurry up?  Is there less?  Do we come out and run the option like we’re Air Force?  At this point, Kiffin is deep in his LSD trip listening to Meddle by Pink Floyd and we’re the sober guy who shows up and tries to understand what’s going on.

All I know is that the energy in our fan base is down because we’re waiting to see what happens.  I say FUCK THAT Arrogant Nation.  The real meat of the season begins now and instead of visiting Tucson to see this game (I really want to), I am going to watch the game from Maui where I will be submerged in POG juice and dipping pork products in rum.  I will do my arrogant best to get this victory.

There’s no looking ahead to the Ducks, the Lil Ducks can win this game if we don’t treat them like a food coma from eating too much Beyond Bread (Bart’s Bag or Betty’s Brie, let’s go) and just sack up and go into coked out beserker mode.  It’s going to be fireworks, the desert is dry and could go up at any moment.  Let’s make sure to bring our firesuits and hoses.

I am jacked up.  I don’t even know what players will be wearing what numbers.  I just know I’ll be in a pool watching on television ready to start the revolution.  For those of you travelling, have a Sonoran Dog for me and maybe celebrate the win at Dirtbags.  Naked.  And smoke inside.  Then go to Star Ranch and maybe eat some more Beyond Bread.  Then get chased by Tucson local police.  Probably eat Beyond Bread again.

Then, time to think about the Ducks.

PREDICTIONS

USC 237
LIL DUCKS 174

Our D will prove it was built for Oregon, not so much by shutting down the Cats, but by slowing them down enough for us to draw phallic images on their faces while they are sleeping from eating too much Los Betos.

2 PT CONVERSIONS

27.  It’s going to be a shootout.

KIFFIN OUTFIT PREDICTION

I’m seeing white visor, white windbreaker and the return of the red pants.  Desert gets cold at night, especially if you aren’t eating Beyond Bread.

KYLE NEGRETE PREDATOR DRONES

I’m not seeing a lot of punts, but by now at least his face is in training for his annual Movember stache.

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Filed under USC Football

The Ghosts of Tucson.

I have a big place in my heart for the University of Arizona.  My girlfriend is from Arizona.  I have a long history with that damn desert and I love it.  I applied and was accepted to the University of Arizona.  I can sing the fight song.  I think the rally cry “Bear Down” is effing awesome.  Unless they are playing USC, I tend to pull for them.  I one time ran two miles through a desert in Tucson after buying booze underage at a 7/11 and being kicked out of a party that was broken up via helicopter.  Tucson and the U of A are totally awesome.

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That’s why I am happy and sad right now.

Last night I got a lot of texts telling me USC basketball coach Tim Floyd had flown out to Tucson and accepted the job as head basketball coach of the Wildcats.  I was initially bummed.  Tim Floyd can recruit.  He’s taken USC from a joke in basketball to a very respectable program on the rise.  Three trips to the Big Dance in four years and over 80 wins in that time frame.  If you followed the teams before, those numbers are great.  Especially the consistency.  We get to see a Trojan in the NBA that doesn’t suck in O.J. Mayo, whether we paid him or not.  We get to see guys like DeMar DeRozzan wanting to play at USC.  We don’t see the guys like Scalabrine (Boston Sucks) on the team anymore.  We don’t have Sam Clancy.  We have young, superfly talent and the belief that we can actually win 20 games a year.  This isn’t football.  We’re really happy to be competitive.

So when Tim Floyd was leaving, I was thinking “good hire, Zona” because they are a team that lost its identity.  For 25 years, Lute Olsen made them the jewel of the desert.  When he arrived, the Wildcats were lowly.  They were not much to look at.  But Lute Olsen quickly changed things and they won their first Pac-10 title in 1986.  This is a big deal because it means you have to go through UCLA and the iron gates of Westwood.  And Lute could do it.  He did it 11 times in his tenure.  He won the conference tourney four times (and they haven’t played it most of the time he was there).  He’s been Pac-10 coach of the year 7 times.  He and the Mike Bibby led Wildcats even won a National Title in 1997.  Lute Olsen put the school on the map.  He had created a proud, proud tradition in a city that lives and dies by Wilbur Wildcat and his hardwood exploits.

NCAA FINAL FOUR

But then Lute started to age.  His teeth grew long as did the seasons.  His second marriage began to dissipate and it took its toll.  He took a season off due to personal reasons and later it was revealed he had an undiagnosed stroke.  The strangest part though was watching the once-great program fly headless.  Even this year, a largely unguided Wildcat team found their way into the tournament and did their very best to make Lute proud.  Although not a total victory, still, Arizona and the tournament have become synonimous and however it happened, it happened.   It will be written in the books.

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But then something strange.  First, rumors of Pitino coming to Tucson followed by silence and the feeling that it wasn’t for him.  Then yesterday, Tim Floyd is offered the job as head coach at U of A.  Tim Floyd meets with Athletic Director Jim Livengood after USC AD Mike Garrett grants Livengood permission to talk to Floyd.  Floyd flies back to LA with 24 hours to decide.  ESPN picks up the story that Floyd is gone.  Done deal.  Suddenly today, the story retracts.  Floyd is staying at USC.  I hear rumors that U of A balked last minute.  I hear rumors that Floyd changed his mind.  Either way, it is Arizona’s student and the proud desert town of Tucson I feel remorse for.

It’s not about Tim Floyd or Rick Pitino.  It’s not even about Lute Olsen or the 40 pt loss in the tournament.  It is about the isolated city 90 miles south of Phoenix sleeping in Mexico’s hammock, it’s heart beating to the tune of “Bear Down Arizona”, it’s gaze firmly cast on what is coming next through the Sonoran Desert.  It is about Wildcat Nation.

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To go to Tucson is to understand how important this school is to the city.  You will see Bibby and Arenas jerseys.  The homes of wealthy local business men have autographed basketballs from Lute.  Fathers proudly wear t-shirts with the iconic mountainscape logo the school uses sometimes that oddly looks like almost every view from campus towards Sabino Canyon.  This quiet and beautiful place with people that love their team so, so much that right now this is actually breaking my heart.  Even with my Trojan blood, I cannot root against these Wildcats.

No matter what happens, I can assure you right now it is quiet on Campbell.  Speedway is silent.  The orange beverages at Eegees are melting and Dirtbags is unusually quiet.  Even if just for a minute, the most diehard Wildcat would tell you for a few seconds the wind got knocked out of them.

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The Floyd hiring would have been one direction to move in.  The best direction?  Who knows.  But a direction?  Yes.  Lute and Bobbi Olsen Court is full of ghosts still.  It is walking memories when it should be a new coach in there with new players reminding them of what was built in that lonely desert.  What was built was a champion.  What was built was a program that clawed its way from obscurity and became something proud.  A quarter century of excellence and it is now at a crossroads whether you like it or not.  Right now, Arizona must decide do we build or do we die.

There may be more facts, but right now the apparent reality is that Arizona wanted a school known more for football’s head basketball coach.  They wanted the coach from a school where the majority of the student body considers March to be spring football practice.  They wanted the coach from a school that looks forward to winter because it is the end of bowl season, not the beginning of basketball season.  This should have been a no-brainer for Floyd, but for whatever reason, the basketball school did not get its man.

I should be happy about it, and in my own way I am.  I think Tim Floyd has more to do at USC and I think in time, with the kind of yeoman effort Lute Olsen was willing to give, USC could find its way into a Final Four, or maybe even a title.  But Arizona is a giant sleeping monster that no one can seem to wake up.

I hope it is not quiet in the desert for long.  I hope this just goes away.  I want Tucson to be London and not Rome.  It should be somewhere that keeps rebuilding and never quits.  Lute would demand it be that way.  Arizona needs to find an answer and a good one.  They need it now.  This is the crossroads.  What will those 25 years of greatness mean?  Will I be an old man having to explain to my son that for a quarter century, Arizona was dominant.  Will they be like Notre Dame in football and fall from grace?  Will they be UCLA in basketball, or USC in football?  Will they bounce back into new eras of prosperity?

Here is one guy hoping they do.  I hope they sort all of it out and get a coach who can rally the troops.  Here is one guy hoping the desert stays warm and the big red Sonoran sun sets proudly over the kingdom Lute built.

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