This season is drunk, go home. Or stay out and tell us about your ex-lovers. Actually, yeah, tip your wine goblet, time for a big, frosty, oaky chardonnay and maybe a shot of Fernet or two. You are basic. You are drunk. And I want to ask you to prom and say “I love you” way TOO SOON™.
I don’t remember the first girl’s name, but being that she didn’t know New Mexico was in America, I’m just going to call her Google Maps. Not because it’s clever, it’s just like I hope if she reads this blog like so many people on this show have at one point, she gets it as a life tip. Just Google Maps. It takes two seconds and you can avoid wearing a sombrero like a moron and wondering if there is Old Mexico. It was pretty fun to watch her racist Native American dance in the end of the show. Well, fun is the wrong word.
By the way, the Macarena was created by a Spanish band. That’s Old Spain. Not New Mexispain.
For a lot of cities, donating hotels, cultural sites and extreme sports dates to the Bachelor is a win for tourism. Pretty sure no one on the Santa Fe tourism board is feeling that way waking up with a hangover today. They are doing the walk of shame last night. They went to the fantasy suite with Chris Harrison and he filmed a porno without them knowing basically. They did everything short of a Breaking Bad themed date in ABQ to make a quaint, charming candlelit town of plazas and kachina dolls terrifying.
Let’s start with the Love Guru.
Yeah, oooorrrr nahhhh.
This love guru was 50 shades of sage and worse, the Cruise Crooner hates physical intimacy. So. First date is a little game called “Is A Crazy Woman Watching Enough To Not Get Aroused”. It’s going to be America’s past time. Sorry baseball, but we have a new thing to think about when we’re trying to perform well in bed.
Should have expected this date when the date card was literally “let’s come together” – SO YEAH™. Even worse, somewhere in some unknown part of the midwest (or possibly south) someone heard that and went “awwwwwwww” – for the right reasons.
I like Cruise Crooner, it made me sad that her last man didn’t dig her sexually and now she has lowered self esteem. I know a man shouldn’t define you, but same time, I think she’s allowed to feel some self confidence issues if she wants. At least her hang ups don’t manifest like Kartrashian who thinks everything that happens SHOULD HAVE BEEN HER™. She’d get jealous of an unwanted pregnancy.
Watching Gigglepuss and Crooner kiss, it struck me that their future child would have less upper lip than the girl from Cabin Fever. Don’t google that. It took me years to be able to sneak up on attractive blondes in my bed after that film. My wife just closed the browser, but in fairness, you never expect the Muppets.
They threw in the towel at a certain point and I was left pondering the swimming pool area which, like the Bachelor mansion, had weird arches framing the viewing. Did they ever leave Agoura Hills? Are we all on peyote? Are you feeling it yet?
Crooner is a good person. She gets the rose. I get to move on. From the date and the Cabin Fever image. OH GOD I PICTURED IT AGAIN.
The group date participants were announced in the form of questions, what an annoying voice. They are going rafting down the good ole Rio Grande, the subject of every song in Texas. Trust me, I know.
Kelsey starts saying crazy stuff, but I mostly ignore it. I’ve known people who talk like her. They are stuck somewhere between the speaking qualities of a bad Jane Austen adaptation film and the world’s worst PowerPoint deck about brand salience and market penetration. The lights are on, someone is home, but that someone eats their toenails and has a stuffed animal from childhood they still like MORE THAN A FRIEND™.
An extra from every adventure movie ever comes out and warns us that this shit is dangerous and to be careful and Jademate is just like I’M GOING IN THE WATER™. She has a condition one lucky contestant gets every season which is selective hypothermia and the reward is alone time and being glared at your enemies. I want to develop SELECTIVE NOT IN THE MOOD FOR TRADER JOE’S RUNS™. Huge fan of their Simply Cashews, Almonds and Cranberries mix though. Seriously, what’s not to like.
I just felt like Dolvett from Biggest Loser there explaining why Subway has your weight loss goals in mind when they created the chicken teriyaki two inch sub (my nickname in high school).
Later at the hotel, the girls are drinking pretty hard and Jordan shows back up. If you don’t remember Jordan, congratulations, you will probably meet a mate, have children and live a normal life.
She was Captain Wasted Twerk from a couple weeks before. You know BRF (bitchy resting face)? She has PSF (pretty standing face). I was thinking she looked nice, but then she sat down and I got confused again. Maybe when she sits she looks more like she did when she drank a gallon of Finlandia and decided I’M SO GOOD AT DANCING™. There’s not a ton of research on PSF. Yet. Wear a chardonnay colored ribbon if you support finding a cure.
Girls start STONE COLD BUGGIN’™ about another girl coming back and Kartrashian says she doesn’t understand the concept of being nice to people. I just keep picturing the lucky man who goes home with her and after her fifth time crying, she peels off her eyelash extensions, sticks them to your headboard along with her gum (Dentyne Ice, Arctic Blast, are you even kidding, there was so much garlic in that tagliatelle) and then gives you an uncomfortably aggressive kiss.
For real, she kisses like those things in Harry Potter that suck out your good feelings. She’s a dementor.
Fertility Nurse just plays it cool. It’s amazing how saying “I’m for being nice to people” can make you look like a Rhodes Scholar on this show.
Mother of Kale and Kartrashian are just some weird form of Timon and Pumba. They are literally like two lost dimwits that will find their purpose in a charming animated film. Makes me want to see their reality show AFTER THE FINAL ROSE because until they are eliminated, it’s super weird to what them say english words that don’t connect to each other together. Kartrashian is like “I hate how like, this isn’t for me, I love talking to guys alone more than most people” and Mother of Kale is just like “Aliens are so tall sometimes, but at least sandwiches.”
Gigglepuss dispatches Twerkington Bear and even though he did the right thing, O Canada keeps making Mary Kate prune faces and no one gets any happier at all.
Final date card is for Bratzny, who we learned has not showered yet? Is that a thing? And she sleeps in full make-up? I mean I’ve called girls on the show WET MESS™ before, which if you are new here is basically Kartrashian. You know she just leaves wet messy piles of everything from tissues to make up to clothing. She is like the floor of a 20 year old model’s instagram feed.
Anyway, Bratzny is tripping balls because the acting contract she signed to be on this show didn’t include showers or jumping off shit and her date card says something about the sky.
Chris wakes her up and makes out with her fully make-upped face (really) and that makes Cruise Crooner SO MAD™ because despite hundreds of episodes, we still can’t figure out your BF is effing you in the B* by making out with every one there. (*credit, Scott Pilgrim, please watch it).
They go on a hot air balloon ride powered completely by the bullshit Bratzny is spitting because the producers told her to and she wants a walk on role on Vanderpump Rules like Jade got:
NO HYPOTHERMIA THERE.
Bratzny gets the rose and a nap with Chris. It may be sex, but every season they do the door close thing and then the next week it’s like OR NAH.
Before the cocktail party, this show went FULL SHINING™
Kelsey Poe, who now is called Full Shining, decided to confront Chris about her dead husband because the voices in her head told her to. She goes to find his room and sits him down and proceeds to tell him about her husband’s mysterious death. She refers to him as Sanderson Poe and immediately I got scared.
If I had a dead spouse, would I go on national television and refer to him by their full name? I rarely refer to any human by their full name. “I was at the movies with my friend Frank Pomegranate.” Feels super weird.
But then she starts crying and then making out with Chris. She feels relieved to tell the story because it helped her with Chris. I can’t figure it out. She starts saying she “loves her story” – wait what?
She loves her story about HER HUSBAND DYING?
She returns to the cocktail party where lots of girls are nervous, but not Full Shining. She’s ALL GOOD™ because in her world, HER STORY™ confirmed she has won this week.
Then, Chris shows up and starts crying (presumably from witchcraft) and then peaces out. He cancels the cocktail party and says we’re going straight to the rose ceremony.
Full Shining decides this is the time to stop talking about how good her shoes look and move right on to having a full blown, potentially not real panic attack requiring paramedics. I get it. Panic attacks are scary, but she is terrifying and capable of anything.
We got a TO BE CONTINUED…
So do you. Catch you on the flip. Sleep with one eye open. Looks like more than one cast member has been to MESA VERDE™