I’ll be honest. I’m not sure how long today’s post is going to be. It’s like the part of being on a hallucinogenic trip where the fun ends and suddenly the clock seems to move in reverse and you aren’t sure you’re even a living, breathing human.
Shit gets weird and you aren’t sure which way is up.
Rose ceremonies to start the show. One weird north country location after the next. Basically, a terrifying collection of impossible occurrences out of sequence. This show has spent years establishing a format that this season, they are straight up Gone Girling…
Speaking of Gone Girl…
It’s a shame this is the episode I decided to call her Amazing Amy. It’s a shame because barring her returning from the grave to murder everyone, she’s Gone Girl. Or Gone Baby Gone. Both Affleck jams. Weird. Inception.
We started this episode off mid pseudo-panic attack. I say pseudo because anyone who’s had a panic attack is not lucid like that. Period. They aren’t telling stupid jokes about store-bought brownies, but hopefully Chris saw this and felt good knowing he wouldn’t be married to someone who even in the throes of debilitating anxiety can criticize something trivial. HAVE FUN DRESSING YOUR KIDS TO SCHOOL. Gigglepuss would be working on a beer gut and muttering I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT™ on the regs. On a farm.
Here’s why I’m calling BS™. She says she’s having a panic attack (a self diagnosis) and then says she’s never had one before. I mean, how on earth could you define a physical reaction you have never had? Total Full Shining move. She reads WebMD and does a Target x Missoni collab with ACTING CLASS™ to make sure she has an arsenal of FULLY BELIEVABLE™ breakdowns complete with REALISTIC SYMPTOMS™.
She tells the girls she uses big words and has eloquence. Personally, for me, she sounds like a weird translation of a Victorian novel translated into Japanese and then translated back into English. The words are big. They have the makings of forming sentences, but something is getting lost in translation.
Like, fairly sure she said “in the grand scream of things” – jus’ sayin’.
I don’t feel like talking about the 1:1 date with The Other Virgin because she’s nice, she should probably win the show and in her high school yearbook she was voted Least Likely To Kill Herself Living On A Farm With A Man Who Giggles.
I like this girl. She makes Gigglepuss laugh, which I like also because his laugh makes me feel better about myself. I could find a briefcase filled with blow and cash and still feel better knowing my laugh sounds nothing like a tickle fight between eight year old girls.
She gets the rose.
The group date highlights the fact we are in Deadwood, South Dakota. There seems to be no budget. We’re not anywhere near Europe. We’re going to places likely to survive a nuclear holocaust because who is even trying to bomb Mount Rushmore. I mean, it says a lot that this is where Mount Rushmore is. It’s a place so rich in mountains no one cares about it’s like, “sure bro, you can carve Act One of Presidential Disneyland into nature” – we got plenty.
Best thing ever in Deadwood was in the TV show, when they showed Bulleit, which isn’t even my well bourbon at home anymore, but it’s better than this group date and I liked how it was like time traveling alcohol because I feel like I time travel when I’m drinking. I’m also tall.
So they go to TGIDeadwoods and guess who is there? BIG N RICH. You know, the metrosexual country singers who brought you the song “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” which they’ve been milking like a dead cow for decades. While is was a great “whoa, those dudes are still alive?” moment, it’s pretty depressing to see country rock stars. As they attempt to be Keith Richards despite writing songs about, well, COUNTRY STUFF™, they end up looking like off-broadway cast members from Wicked.
All the girls have to write a country song. Chris sounds so bad I’m afraid if I write about it, I’ll hear it again.
Most girls are fine.
Bratzny crushes it because she is not a damn waitress. She’s an actress/model/dancer/whatever, one of thousands in LA willing to be on this show in hopes of getting to host two minute segments aired on payment portals in the back of cabs in NYC. Dream big, people. Dream big.
Like, they definitely take this picture for everyone when you have orientation at Ruby Tuesdays. Please. If she did a half-shave in Iowa, they’d make her go to church.
Carly the Cruise Singer does great, but because she isn’t Bratzny, she isn’t going to win.
In the dumbest stunt ever, Chris steals Bratzny away to a Big N Rich concert (as a reward or punishment, I’m not sure) and she pretends to give an F.
This won’t end well.
Back at the hotel later, the girls are mad because FEELINGS™, but it’s clear the damn producers are just looking for one murder. And what better place to murder than DEADWOOD! I mean seriously, there’s no better place.
Finally, the 2 on 1.
Kartrashian versus Amazing Amy/Full Shining. Suddenly, we are all rooting for the Human Eyelash. She is turnt on ending Full Shining. Full Shining is turnt on making bacon out of someone’s face and smiling like ghosts are holding her eyes open with frozen bone fingers. Look at her. Seriously.
This date starts with a helicopter.
Despite how I felt, the tension was so bad in the helicopter flying over the Badlands that the pilot had to be like:
When they land at this bed they just magically put in the middle of nowhere, it gets even weirder. Weirder than a bed in the middle of nowhere. Why a bed? Why not a couch? A teak patio seating arrangement. What on earth was possible with the bed?
First, Kartrashian goes off with Chris and her eyelashes try to lag behind but they can’t. She just decides to throw Full Shining under the bus. Chris takes this news and relays it back to Full Shining who gets weird and half denies it but half just – whatever. She’s nuts.
Then Kartrashian gets summoned again (all presumably in the middle of nowhere by a creepy bed) and basically Chris just dumps her. He says she won’t fit in with his lifestyle (duh) and then she melts down and throws Kelsey under the bus more (just to make sure the villain is dead) and then throws Bratzny under the bus too for good measure, just to kill Chris’ ultimate warm crotchal feelings for her.
He leaves her to the Badlands and then goes back and dumps Kelsey.
This plays out best as the girls back at the Motel 6 see the drama unfold as a nameless producer removing BOTH suitcases. DOUBLE MURDER SUICIDE™ with a CHAMPAGNE TOAST™.
The helicopter leaves without the girls and then the Hunger Games begin.