Author Archives: Bearfighter

Where did the time go? This season never really got going for me. The guys were boring besides Chad. JoJo flushed all the goodwill of being a seemingly smart, calculating person down the toilet with each choice she made. I saw more sequined dresses than it takes to elect a decade of Miss Americas.

I know I bummed a lot of you out by writing so little. Sometimes, like when I was in Amsterdam on business, there was just no way to see the show. Sometimes, the episode was so, so, so boring I couldn’t bring myself to squeeze a G of words out for you. Sometimes, honestly, I meant to and then just got busy, tired or all the other stuff that happens when you are not as young as you used to be. I started this thing I think in 2008, when blogs were a thing, and 8 years and millions of reads later – I’m a suit.

But I’m writing today. Thanks for reading. Let’s BachCap.

The last episode is always the same. My wife, the blonde genius forensic scientist on CSI: Future Breakups pointed out as much. They always make the underdog seem WAY better to the parents to create drama and then the first dude out of the limo is invariably that guy. He eats a rejection burger and then she marries the boner.

This episode was no different.

A couple quick notes before we go macro, because there is no way I am describing the play by play of a show that made no effort this year to create a compelling play by play. Thank God Bachelor in Paradise starts tonight. That’s the real MVP now. That’s the one the crew gets excited for . It’s the new GOAT. It’s LeBron’s return to Cleveland. It’s Becky with the Good Hair.

JoJo has had some work done. Her mother had too much. Her sister, so little they made her sit off screen and not talk. This is the Goldilocks Principle at work. Somewhere in between too much and too little is JoJo: the ideal amount to the tune of being worthy of a show about twenty men vying to wed her.

Is that messed up? Yes. Should you all vote for Hillary now to repeat for what this show says about the fairer sex (yes, but also because Donald Trump is a human turd dipped in orange paint with a speaker in it that reads facist manifestos in a tinny voice)?

Her mother, to be fair, lowered her daily dose of bacterias injected into various parts of her face and I was surprised at how much her face mask could emote. Let’s give her credit. She was mainly sober. She was kind. Parts of her face moved. She was a big winner. Dad was great. And her brothers didn’t like how they looked last time. They just smiled and enjoyed their dress shirts worn only by Cam on Modern Family and guys in Dallas who don’t get that when the fashion lords created the oxford, they got it right. We didn’t need more to the tune of floral prints in the inside of your shirt. Just stop. You aren’t a Tootsie Pop. We don’t need a surprise inside.

While they tried to play up how great Robbie was and what a d-bag Jordan was, it honestly seemed true. The only thing I like about After The Final Rose is that you get to see everyone without editing so you know it wasn’t the producers faking a story.

Jordan is a huge tool. And let’s get into that. It’s for a good reason. He’s got no self confidence. Want to know why the older brother plays in the NFL and dates an X-Man? He can make decisions. He doesn’t waffle. When Aaron Rodgers sees a man open, he throws the ball. Quarterbacks make decisions. They try to get in the endzone.

Jordan answers every question by repeating what was asked of him so he has time to think of a non-response. Like, JoJo can’t think this would last. She can’t think that when her normal, clever brain we experienced on Ben’s season will put up with Jordan after the tenth time they have sex. Does she not know that the only way she will be able to get off will be to picture different things to bludgeon him with when he runs his hands through his hair.

I’ve never had a friend like Jordan, and not because he’s this bad guy. Because he is not confident in anything. He can’t even tell you what city he will be failing as a sportscaster in. He couldn’t ask her parents for her hand. He called them the day of and didn’t even FaceTime – but that might be because her mom just looks like a screengrab in that format.

Robbie is a boring, basic himself, but I’d be his friend. He can make decisions, even if they are horrible, like wearing a hot pink tie with that suit. Maybe it was to match her nails so the shot where she reached into his chest and pulled out his heart really popped on camera. Maybe he was gonna sell a time share. Dunno.

I felt bad when JoJo said how everyone is rooting against them when she said it’s been rough going for her and Jordan. But the thing is, advice turns to annoyance when you just ignore everything. He just smiles, walks super weird, dresses fly and gives zero shits about you. I feel horrible for both of you. Just break up and save yourself your quality years. He’s a fine human. He just isn’t going to be anything you want him to be and the weird part is YOU ARE SAYING IT OUT LOUD.

I get that the “heart wants what the heart wants” but the heart wants donuts and strippers and hardcore narcotics and that is because your heart is a drunk two year old with the nuclear launch codes to your heart and no matter what the brain tells it, it’s just like “FU I can have another bottle of rosé and text him right now because he loves me guys, you don’t get it.”

We get it. We just want to avoid the next six months of the same depressing talk with you. My wife just closed the browser. OUT OF RESPECT™.

So, another failed season. I need a good one. I’m working on a new plan for next year. Maybe a pod. Maybe some Snapisodes (ghost emoji: lostangelesblog).

Thanks for playing and have a great offseason.

I’ve been busy. I told you this wasn’t going to be the season I was consistent. But I also said I wouldn’t let you down, so here’s some musings from the season so far in no particular order.

I’m going to start with JoJo, which would be a cooler name if she was a dope wide receiver names Joe Johnson and he had like a Twitter handle like “YungJoJo” and his snaps were lit af. For a girl named Joelle, can’t it just be Jo? Or how about Elle? How cute do we need to be? Do we need to duct tape a kitten on every facet of our existence? Can’t being wealthy and attractive be enough in Dallas?

Truth is, if we need to rename JoJo, we rename her Beady, because she exclusively wears beaded, sparkling dresses. It’s like she’s been chained to the DJ booth at a never ending prom and chewing her leg off to break free would be bad because calories.

Truth-truth is, I like Beady. She got the raw deal last year. She’s really pretty smart all things considered and genuinely seems like someone who’d be fun to be around. So other than the fact her STYLE ICON™ is a disco ball, I love her. I hope she finds love. And any form of matte fabric. And a better plastic surgeon than her mother.

Come to think of it, this season a lot of the people are likable.

But not Chad.

Chad is what the guy from Veep would look like if he was weaponized by the people who turned Wolverine into Wolverine.

This guy from Veep:

And Wolverine:

Chad is LOOKING FOR A FIGHT™ and this house of dudes seems to want to give it to him, only they never really do. Most interactions are like this:

Chad eats a raw sweet potato and sweats through the same fleece zip up he wears in every scene. Someone gets mad at him for eating and not being in love with Beady yet. Chad tells everyone they are idiots if they are already in love with a girl they barely know. Someone gets upset and tries to define what Chad is all about. Chad responds by eating a pound of deli meat and saying he’s trying to mind his own business. Someone else calls Chad a joke who is there for the wrong reasons. Chad threatens violence while eating a head of lettuce. Someone says the answer with Chad is always violence. Chad threatens to kill said person while drinking some kind of glowing neon protein drink.

That’s been the season so far pretty much. I just wish Chad let me write his threats. His are like 90% ridiculous, but I think if he got to 100% ridiculous, we’d actually totally love this future restraining order of a neck vein. I think he’s like right near the line of the villain we love. Like, we love the Joker and he actually kills folks. We loved the Terminator. If Chad just upped it a little bit stylistically, he might be our Deadpool. We might end up rooting for him to kill everyone in the house instead of JoJo finding love.

Since anyone can tear an empire down, here are some suggestions next time Chad puts a threat on someone:

“I’m going to crawl up your ass and tackle you from inside your body, bro.”
“I’m going to cut off you fingers and fax them back to your house in the early 90s so you are afraid to grow up, bro.”
“I’m going to buy you tickets to Hamilton and then when you get out, I’m going to beat you so hard you don’t remember seeing it and can’t brag to your friends, bro.”

Side note. I haven’t seen Hamilton on any of my business trips to NYC, but I’ve seen the titular song performance a lot. Does anyone else get pissed off at the SERIOUS ACTOR FACE™ that goes on when Lin Manuel Miranda gets all quiet and drops into singing “Alexander Hamilton” – ???

That’s the face The Rock would make before he gave people the People’s Elbow:

Hamilton probably is pretty badass, but this blogger who so cavalierly connects the worlds of Tony Award caliber theatre and WWE gamesmanship is not ready to compare the moment Hamilton gets introduced with the moment The Rock sends 50,ooo Trump supporters into a frenzy with the promise of a choreographer elbow to the face of someone who probably just told the crowd they are huge assholes.

Lin, you’re singing man. You didn’t just blow my mind by proving we live in the Matrix. I’ve never seen anyone so amazed the music went from aggressive to reflective. Aaaaaand… my wife just closed the browser.

What are we talking about?

Chad’s number one enemy is Mariney Mouse, a small dude who dresses to look smaller somehow. This guys seems ready to fight Chad but never does. They are both Marines. It made me sure I wasn’t supposed to be one.

In the grand tradition of the 2 on Juan date ending with one person left in the wilderness, Chad got removed, but we are made to believe he’s out stalking everyone. I’m sure not much happens, but let’s be honest. In the same way that 23 Jump Street is going to be Men in Black 4 (for real, Google that), Chad can turn Bachelor in Paradise into I Totally Still Know What You Did Last Summer. DO IT, ABC.

Hey, Jake Pavelka is still alive! Next.

We had one helicopter so far, but I was more focused on the date. I’m not counting it.

Let’s spend some time on Zorg from Fifth Element (who Chad and many readers called out). Evan, who fixes penises for a living, is the kind of person in civilian life you probably like, or at least tolerate. But put in this environment, it just seems like he’s the guy at the high school party trying to clean up as it’s all going down. He probably collects keys and stocks bowls with condoms. He’s just a fish out of water. Maybe a fish in outer space. He actually is such a fish that he makes you question what a fish is in general. They don’t have hands? They breath underwater? They aren’t lovable. I don’t know. You may not realize you’re thinking things like this when you see Evan on screen, but you are. That’s why you aren’t into him ladies and gents.

Also, poor dude. His nose just bleeds on contact. And on non contact. And he’s not doing blow and rocking out or anything. He just stores emotion in the capillaries in his nose.

The Canadian dude deserves a little ink too. He is so an actor and crisis negotiator ABC hired to handle Chad. Like, the dude just acts goofy, jumps in the pool first night and lasts this long? Please. He’s ABC’s man on the inside. He’s undercover. He’s in so deep he may even think he’s a contestant at this point. His contacts at the station are calling him and getting his voicemail. He’s creating a backstory. He’s no longer there for protection. He’s there for the right reasons.

OK.

That’s all I feel like writing about right now. Sorry.

But good news. More next week.

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First, a humble apology. For fans of my Instagram (INSTAFANS™) I have spent a month between Portland, NYC, Dallas and LA for work. I’ve watched each episode, but by the time I have absorbed them, the next one is basically on. I have drained several hotel mini bars out of pure guilt (and wanting to be NOT SOBER™). I’ve had many of you offer everything from words of support – come on Zack, hang in there and post! – to messages that were more like Zack WTF my Tuesdays are hard enough without you taking selfies at the Soho Grand whining about being tired. Being tired is having a 6 month old and negotiating 2 hours and 15 minutes of me-time a week. That’s 2 hours for this godforsaken show and 15 minutes to read your stupid, un-proofread blog.

So yeah. I got some of those too.

Instead of going into Olivia getting sent home in what is now a disturbing trend of 2 on 1s ending with one person being stranded in the wilderness like they are suddenly started an impromptu episode of Naked and Afriad (or Survivor Wench) – I am just going to talk this week.

After I talk about JoJo’s mother, who drinks champagne right from the bottle, didn’t realize she was on TV and has had so much work done you’d think she married a contractor.

Also, her brothers. What’s up with that? And the fact her ex is a man after all.

Also, Caila and Lauren only two to pass the PARENTAL FITNESS TEST™. You know what I mean. They will always look good. JoJo is fencey. She looks great, but there’s more debate over DNA in her family than in The People vs OJ Simpson.

OK.

WE’RE GOING TO JAMAICA AND THERE’S HELICOPTERS THERE!!!!!

The thing is, and I’m not anti-Sandals or anything, I just have to point out the specificity of this particular Sandals. This is where Michael Scott takes Jan. This is where the naked photo happens. This is like, a stop on The Office memory lane tour.

And now these idiots are going to ruin it with television-mandated sex in front of millions. Actually, that ruins nothing. I love this episode and what’s more, this was a GREAT version of this episode. I said early on that Benilla was dangerous. Ben crushes hearts because he wants you to feel something you’ve never felt. He lulls you into a coma of telling him that yes, in fact, HE is capable of being loved. And when you finally give in – BOOM.

HEART RAPE™ – in theaters, July 7th.

My wife just closed the browser.

While Neil Lane was getting some last minute botox touch ups, date one went to the Disney Princess herself, Caila. For real, I’ve said it before. Any time anyone tells her anything, it’s the reaction an animated squirrel has when they discover a bunch of acorns.

She’s dressed like she’s playing some 90s vision of the future aerobics death match competition, but whatever. According to the women around he her hair game is strong. I was more focused on her looking like she was attacked by pastel wallpaper.

There’s a generic rafting date to go eat spicy jerk chicken and enjoy a sexual metaphor. Jerk. Get what I mean? What I mean is that the word jerk has a sexual connotation in this case. Oh. You got that? Sorry. I thought it was SUBTLE™.

The date is weird. Caila who was once afraid of breaking Ben’s heart now is cold buggin’ about having her heart broken because she JUST NOW realized he’s dating (and having sex soon) with two other girls. Eventually she relaxes and just violently makes out with Benilla like she’s bobbing for a hidden apple behind his face.

Ben talks more about being unlovable. Jesus, Ben. This is why you are the guy who we call for rides and not the other way around. This is why you went and got me a Powerade Zero in Vegas while I was fighting a hangover without me even asking. Ben, you would be more lovable if you were less lovable. Girls love their teddy bear. They just don’t date them when they grow up.

Go ahead and marinate on that for a minute, lady readers. I wish we lived in a world where nice guys could simply be nice without having to find other ways to ADD VALUE™ – humor, being a dick, sports, money, being an even bigger dick, having a boat – but we don’t. That’s why nice guys perfect the slow roll.

My wife just went to close the browser. Paused. Had a think on it. Paused again. Closed it and made a note to ask if I “slow rolled.”

Caila at one point said she “can feel his in his breath he feels the same” – maybe about what to order for lunch. All she found in his breath was jerk spices. Also, girls don’t say shit like that. Ever. It’s pulling an Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers.

Either way, she says she loves him. He smiles and offers “Chris Harrison’s Sex Contract” and she accepts. Off to the room to make out in front of enormous FIREWORKS METAPHOR™. In Benilla’s case, I don’t think it was coincidence the fireworks were going off before they even got busy.

Flight Attendant rolls out to date two in a sweater tank top because I guess that’s happening again now. That’s cool because most of us had a thing for Rachel on Friends and so this trend will probably close some fetish loops for men out there who were too young to date a women with this item of clothing the first time it was around. Good luck out there, fellas.

Their date is sort of adorable as they lead baby turtles to the ocean where they will be eaten by basically everything. You could almost hear the crunches as Benilla waved at them.

Ben goes into total “this would ruin it if I wasn’t the Bachelor” territory saying he cried in front of her parents and that she is too good for him. Honestly. Readers. If your prospective partner told you all this after a month, what are the odds you would feel comfortable falling asleep before them? If you step back, this is “collect your hair and make dolls out of it” talk.

Not to fear. He’s the man of her vanilla, non-fat greek yogurt dreams.

The night portion is where the HEART RAPE™ happens. Ben reciprocates “I Love You.” No, no, no. They profess love for each other 100 times and then take it to the mattress and now he’s got 2 girls he’s slept with in love with him and 1 of them hearing it back.

Lauren has this won…

Until…

JoJo’s date starts WITH A HELICOPTER!

They go to a waterfall and do the classic make out in the water date. Fun was had by all crotches, by all accounts.

The night portion is identical to the other two. AM I UNLOVABLE? Dude. I got over my homecoming crown in college. I feel like he needs one every year. See that part where I told you I won homecoming. Man, I’m lovable. Ben. Get me a fucking Americano.

So here’s where this goes off. JoJo says she loves Ben. AND HE RECIPROCATES AGAIN. JoJo is like wait, what? You can say that? YEAH. To everyone, I guess. Wow. This is gonna end bad.

One CHAMPAGNE POP METAPHOR™ later, the tally becomes clear.

3 Sex
2 Love Yous
1 One Effed Dude From Indiana and Not Just Because He’s From Indiana (but a little bit)

Caila comes to surprise Ben, but he decides he needs to cut her like fifth period French, which was #17 on his list of 100 Things I LOVE About High School – by Ben Higgins (written in crayon).

She’s going home. She’s getting in the car. She’s getting out of the car. She’s asking if he felt this way all week. She’s wondering if he slept with her with no intention of picking her. YES. But he just says no and she leaves. Man. That could have been an honest moment. Girls, don’t be confused. Saying a lot of things that sound like feelings doesn’t mean a man is telling you anything. Don’t let him coo you to sleep like a baby.

There’s a weird rose ceremony because they all sort of awkwardly high five that they are the final three.

It’s going to be weird. See you at the finale.

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QUICK UPDATE – This is two weeks in a row so we’re caught up. Enjoy.

Warning. I’m coming off a FULL BLOWN HUSTLE™ at work and then went to see Book of Mormon. The net result was the bourbon gave me two blissful hours of sleep, but then I woke up, watched a personal marathon of Rick Steves Europe (wait, you guys don’t do that?) and never went back to sleep. I guess what I’m saying is prepared for TERRIFIC SPELLING™.

I always enjoy that first shot in the mansion when you see the room and there’s like ten extra NINJA BABES™ who somehow snuck through all the cameras week one and are being primed to exist in a larger capacity going forward. I mean, to manage to get through all those cameras without being seen, even with editing, is just totally like when an art thief has to capoeira dance through a laser field.

Who was the choreographer who came up with that? We all blindly accept laser dancing as the way to steal something valuable. Why is it never just a wall of lasers? Catherine Zeta Jones’ butt gif (see above) is probably the answer to my query but I’m too civilized for that. I’m not going to stop questioning the world just because Gordon Gekko’s wife uses her butt to rob things.

What were we talking about?

So, the world’s least controversial Bachelor who I’m calling Benilla™. Benilla Wafer is too far because those are interesting. They are great. They are the cookie you forget about (unless you are a freakshow banana pudding enthusiast) and then end up going wire to wire on the first whole box you see.

He’s just straight up Vanilla in the form of a man. And not the old world Vanilla is valuable way. Vanilla like the sad bastard cupcakes in the Sprinkles box that even your co-worker MOST LIKELY TO EAT THEIR FEELINGS™ leaves on the table.

By the way. We’re definitely referring to his junk as Benana when the fantasy suites happen. Although I’m sure he’ll just respect them to death and be thinking “boobs are cool.” Whatever. I’ll be drunk.

The group date is at a high school. The first episode was all about how high school was where Benilla’s best memories come from. I was homecoming prince twice. I was president of the high school. I played sports. High school was great, but if I ever refer to those days as in my top ten, please mercy kill me. I ate a piece of bacon with hot sauce on it during an Arsenal match last weekend that probably was better than all of high school blended with a scoop of protein and some almond milk and some overnight oats. I’m married, btw.

So, yeah. Man boy had a group date in high school and the wicked ride Harrison took us on was nothing short of the beginning of every jock/cheerleader porn premise.

They had to make Benilla’s volcano explode in what was the least subtle visual metaphor ever. They bobbed for apples and debated girls with lacking MOUTH SKILLS™ (their words, not mine).

There later is a mandatory race between Amber and the Portland Dentist. She, being of Oregon, home of the best runners on earth, wins. Benilla is pretty excited because because this Dentist has a super power. In some lights, she is attractive. In some lights, her faces appears to be melting. It’s right out of Seinfeld.

Girl You Wish You Weren’t Talking to at A Party, Lace has some A-grade meltdowns here. She’s in this weird, drunk state where she’s stealing Ben to chew him out about how he needs to get to know her and then delusional in thinking they are about to kiss. She’s good TV. Still, the look on Ben’s face whenever some girl “steals” him away is the same face you make when a meeting you’ve been dreaded is suddenly canceled. And then you go to happy hour. And score a phone number and find a fifty dollar bill on the ground.

The 1:1 is Caila, the girl who got messages from her television about dumped her boyfriend and going for Ben. The Television Whisperer™ who always makes the same faces The Little Mermaid makes when she learns something new about people who live on dry land.

She is going on a date around LA in what is arguably the most depressing cross-promotion we’ve seen so far on this show. Often, we get some kind of loose thematic tie in – like, this Pixar movie is about being Brave and so we’re doing Scottish stuff and being brave. Fine. Kilts are and always will be good television.

But RIDE ALONG 2 is the film and so the date is we’re just going to go on a ride and then make a random stop or two? And worse, we got Kevin Hart and Ice Cube to do this. I love Kevin Hart and Ice Cube, for different reasons. But the last thing I want to see is Kevin Hart trying hard to make this not suck while Ice Cube cringes hoping this shit ends soon.

Want to know how I know Tupac is really dead? Because Ice Cube was on The Bachelor. If he was still alive, he’d have Tweeted a threat. Minimum. MINIMUM. Is minimum a palindrome? No. Damnit. This day just keeps getting worse.

I got a solid laugh when Ben and Ice Cube go into the liquor store because Ice Cube said some pretty funny stuff, but then I just got sad because they didn’t pay any of this off. They just went to a hot tub and waited for Tupac’s hologram to come in and fight all the producers. Straight Outta Whackton.

The next date was with a Love Doctor and suddenly I thought we were on some Bravo show you didn’t know exists and then your relatives from Missouri can’t stop talking about it and you are like WHAT FUCKING PLANET DO I LIVE ON? You drink a lot of wine and don’t care about being judged because they are there raving about Chipotle and Love Doctor on Bravo. You’re safe. Open another Pinot Gris. No one’s counting.

My wife just closed the browser.

They dressed all the girls in futuristic white outfits and started doing a bunch of tests that proved some pretty scientific stuff like “do my eyes go right to Ben’s junk or Sean Lowe’s” – a pointless question. My eyes go to the circuit breaker and the exit route. Eff this date.

Olivia was unbearable here. Despite being I think what’d we’d all agree is traditionally attractive, she has two minor affectations. The first is she is constantly in ACTOR POLISHED MODE™ – for those of you with actors in your extended circle, you know what I mean. It’s like, I asked you how your salad is, why do you sound like you are selling me a George Forman grill in an infomercial. Just talk. This salad is honestly surprisingly impressive. I am not used to salads this good this far east of La Brea. I have been sleeping on this! Oh! How is yours? I’m not normally a fan of kale caesars, but let’s be honest, society can’t be wrong, am I right? Let me pretend to have a bite. 

The second affectation is her terrifying, insane eyes wide mouth expressions. She’s the world’s first person to have a dentist told her “open less wide”.

Mouth closed, mouth smiling, she’s definitely attractive, so not picking on her there. It’s just when she does this:

…She starts to look like the evil mermaids from Harry Potter…

So, yeah. Try sleeping after that.

She wins the date and spares us from Ben smelling a bunch of girls butt’s like the golden retriever he is. I felt bad for the lawyer, who seems like a good person, because he said she smelled sour. On national TV. And then later said she smelled like passion fruit. I guess the new produce came in.

She got sent home anyway along with the Dentist who is standing behind me with a needle of novocaine in my neck demanding I tell you how great she is. She’s the best. XOXO, PDX.

INTERMISSION.

I’m back, and so is the show.

Date one is with the flight attendant who is an Oregon Denier – which is shameful, though she is likeable and uh, in quite good shape.

Ben takes her on an airplane ride, which is great because she lives on airplanes. Like giving a florist flowers, dude. She’s got this. Benilla has a hope bracelet and wears a leather helmet for the ride. He says something about the view of her and the ocean both being great. I mean look, if Ben had the game to be gross, this would be. He just was trying hard so again, this falls into the category of HEY BEN I NEED A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT, GRAB ME AND I’LL BUY THE IN-N-OUT.

Ben says yes in that story, btw. The way Batman reacts to the Bat-Signal. He just goes.

They fly somewhere random that for no reason has a hot tub there.

I mean, I guess when you run out of ideas, put a hot tub on it.

The chemistry here seems genuine, because why on earth wouldn’t it be. I think when two people that look like every happy couple stock photo sit in warm water and make out, an angel gets its wings. This is the bachelor at it’s most bachelor. Sometimes this girl wins, sometimes she doesn’t. She definitely might.

Their night date is a lot of pretty open dialogue and while I love girls that love their dad, she really loves her dad. So why did she run from Oregon? What is buried in his apparently-immaculate front yard. Why is this total fox, kind flight attendant who literally has to feed alcohol to hundreds of eligible businessmen a day single? WHAT HAPPENED IN THE FOREST LAUREN?

Also, every time someone said Lauren B. all I heard was Warren G and I started whistling Regulators in my head – just like you are doing right now – THAT’S PRIMING. I CONTROL YOUR MIND. By Mennen™. BELIEVE IT. I’M PLAYING YOU LIKE A PIANO.

Then we go out to a barn where Ben has trouble opening the door to reveal SISTER AMBROISA! Or someone. I have no idea who these people are beyond the fact the lead singer going for the 50 going on 22 look and her backing band was doing that thing I hate where country musicians dress like 90s hair metal rock stars on vacation in Arizona. Just wear a shirt dude. You’re playing the accordion in some country band. You don’t need a leather vest and leather cowboy hat. You just need to play accordion and even that is up for debate.

Caila, the TV Whisperer is at the mansion ALREADY CRYING™ because she can’t believe Ben is going on dates and she’s in love. I guess when you can fall in love via television, you feel things more than the rest of us. I’d really have hated watching the part in Up where they grow old together with her. Like being in the world’s worst Shamu Splash Zone and I’m factoring in whale torture in this assessment. I would rather be covered in abusive whale water than her tears.

There’s a group date at my alma mater of USC to play soccer with two of my favorites, Alex Morgan and Kelley O’Hara, who just won the World Cup and set a great example to women everywhere. They competed for women, they competed for their nation and today, they are helping girls who have never played soccer compete to sit on a couch surrounded by trees aglow with mood lighting.

Dream big.

Kelley O’Hara went to Stanford. She kicks so much ass on the field and then acts cute about it. Violent, Stanford grad with adorable way of dominating foreign nations.

In otherwise, she’s not a contestant on this show. That said, get a new agent because you both are better than this (you heard me Alex).

The game is pretty fun though, especially for Ben who like a moth to a flame or a cat to a lazer pointed, has to run around anytime any sport breaks out going “OHHHHH!” anytime literally anything happens.

Highlights were Alex Morgan laughing at these girls and of course Emily, Twin 1, being a really aggressive goalie. YOU ARE THE GOOD TWIN, EMILY.

Stripes win.

At the night date, it’s a full assault on aggressive Toothy Mermaid. She’s being predictably annoying and self-absorbed, but the rest of the girls 100% go full Lord of the Flies on her. This is the kind of woman-on-woman crime that makes that glass ceiling bulletproof people. Love thy fellow idiot competing for love against you on television. Nevermind. Just fight.

The girls start saying she’s got gross toes and I’m pretty sure something came out about her augmentations. The real part of interest was when she got downstairs and it talking about it, she just asks – is it my cankles?

Fantastic. This was some real awareness for cankles and now the producers will wait at least two weeks before we get a shot of the cankles and the feet. Now I just want to know. I don’t care and I want to know.

Up next, one of the most interesting dates in Bachelor history. Jubilee, one of the most interesting women ever allowed to be on this show. A rough history, military service, zero fucks about being authentic and pretty awkward socially, Jubilee is very real. How will this go? It’s almost painful watching her get excited for the date.

She is nervous day of and gives Ben hell for being late and then since she doesn’t like helicopters, teases if anyone else wants to swap they can.

Oh yeah.

FINALLY.

This date is totally interesting. She is spitting out caviar. She is telling him her favorite food is hot dogs. She makes it sexual. And also not. She calls him white boy.

She actually made Ben seem way, way more authentic than he seemed. I mean, I know he’s nice and all, but he kind of was a better, more interesting version of himself with her. And she, a more understandable complex woman. Isn’t that what makes relationships great? Not to be all TOTALLY FUCKING RIGHT™ about relationships, but the good ones are ones that help you understand how you interact with the world. It’s a close friend who loves you when you aren’t at your best and is good at helping you not be your worst.

For a moment, I felt like I was watching a better show. HOW DARE YOU™.

She gets the rose and this whole thing is weird because WHO KNEW?!

Cocktail party starts with Ben admitting he just found out some friends from home died in a plane crash. He’s hoping for a good night. It’s a good opportunity to see how comforting these girls are. And for Toothy Mermaid to talk about her cankles. I feel like she was crying and practicing news lead-ins about cankle awareness in her room listening to Debbie Gibson records on full blast. She scares me.

Jubilee, who the house hates because she is different (read into that as cynically as you want) just sets up a massage table to rub Ben down. Not in a gross way though for the first time in Bach history. She actually is talking about his feelings. I felt like they get each other. The main point is that Ben really needed this it seemed like. I kept waiting for this to get awkward, it just didn’t. She didn’t make it about her at all.

And then the BRAINDEAD HITMAN Amber comes in to kill the game. Ben’s not happy, but he’s not a rager so he just gets up and deals with it.

Twenty minutes later, Jubilee is dropping truth bombs like “this ain’t cute” and she tries to not get sucked in. Amber won’t let it go. Ben, who likes her, decides he’s gonna comfort her. Amber attacks again. WTF. Bad look. When former contestants don’t get that this is like driving your car into an brick wall, it drives me insane. It’s like playing baseball and not understanding you run to first after you hit the ball. It’s worse. It’s batting without a bat.

Out of nowhere, Lace sends herself home. I know people love her, I’m bored. Sad she’s not happy with herself. Hope she fixes it. She already fixed the show by leaving though. There’s real drama this year. Whatever happens with Jubilee will blow my mind. She’s the most interesting person to be on this show in years. I’m rooting for a good outcome for her whatever that may be.

ALL IN.

And welcome to all the new friends on Instagram and Twitter. Appreciate it. Spread the link like a virus.

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I haven’t checked my blog in a long time. I got tired of writing about college football. Some of it is to do with the documentary I was a part of that chronicles the struggles of players with CTE. I still love watching though. Mainly, though, it’s just that when I started this blog in 2008(?), I was a young, unmarried buck with a screenwriting degree from USC and a job.

Now, some 5 million views later, I’m enjoying Rogaine’s losing battle with the crown of my head and spend a lot of my time on airplanes because I have a career that I love. I feel a deep responsibility to my Bachelor readers though. Every city I go (I see the same hoes), I seem to Kevin Bacon a fan of it. I’ve never taken a job at a new agency where I didn’t meet a few people who read it. It’s a great ice breaker. My job is to understand pop culture and this dumb show is where culture pops.

This may be my last season. I say that a lot, but every year I debate going to live tweeting. I’ll end by saying that all the tweets and comments make it worthwhile, so they are appreciated by my ego. I cry a lot at night.

Real quick. When you log into your blog, you have to delete a lot of spam. The only non spam I got is one of my hottest posts of all time, from an era before you guys read it, where I took on Jack Links beef jerky over a bag of moldy dehydrated cow. Enjoy it here and a picture of me from when I ate non-alcohol related carbs like a coward (ew, gross, fuck you bread). People still get angry about moldy jerky so in 2016, maybe stop being so selfish donating money to Planned Parenthood, cancer research and Autism Speaks and help raise some awareness for moldy beef jerky. To this date, I am the cause’s greatest champion (even if Jack Links is a fine, fine product).

Hiiiiiii Ben.

Ben is from Caitlyn’s season and lost because he doesn’t vaguely resemble the byproduct of a horse and Ryan Gosling’s more temperamental brother. He made it to the final three, which he probably describes as “third base” because this man is not a man, he is a man boy, or possibly a teenager with an old soul. Or possibly a ten year old who is wearing his dad’s clothes and shoes and carrying a briefcase of play-doh around the living room adorably.

I love this Ben guy. Why wouldn’t I? I’ve had many friends like Ben and they are some of my favorites. In-N-Out run? Ben, drive dude, you aren’t as drunk as we are. I have to take some shit to Goodwill. Ben, you’re down to come along, right? Your life starts-and-stops when you leave my field of vision, right?

I fucking love those friends. We lose these friends to wives who take over the remote control at some point and you know what? The Bens miss us because when their wives are saying “Ben, want to go to Pottery Barn, there’s a cable knit throw I think would be super cozy” he is remembering when I called him and said “Ben, if you get here in ten minutes, you can drink the remaining wounded soldier bottles of liqueurs we have left over from that party and then go to a questionable strip club where you can get a lap dance like a deer in the headlights and I can psychoanalyze the one in a wig before ultimately puking in the backseat of your car.”

Ben prefers that. Father time does not. Even reading that back, I kind of just want to go to Pottery Barn and get that cable knit throw. Maybe watch some Harry Potter with a hot toddy? Goblet of Fire? I don’t care if Cedric dies, I hate Robert Pattinson. Come on, it’s the perfect mix between light hearted butter beer fun and the beginnings of peril. It’s the apex moment of the series.

MY WIFE JUST CLOSED THE BROWSER.

Ben lives in Warsaw, Indiana which even looks like Warsaw, Poland (on a map)

I mean, minus the famous landmarks of genocide, but likely with a solid amount of anti-semitism. I don’t want to judge. Yes I do. This town is so white it vanishes after a snowfall.

For Ben, “this is America” – because of course it is. For me, it’s where I end up if no less than forty-five consecutive things go NOT ACCORDING TO PLAN™. I mean, I’d rather be in Poland, Warsaw because at least that’s Europe. I could see some paintings and an architecturally significant church or something.

We get to see Ben shooting basketballs on a hoop the producers nailed to a barn some location scout found working on [Insert Nicholas Sparks film].

Holy shit. If Ben had any edge, he’d be a Sparksian hero. Just coined Sparksian™. Take that.

Ben says his biggest fear is being unlovable, which is pretty fun for a guy who is cast in a show where girls go buckwild for the right to love him. In fairness, Ben’s previous biggest fear was not knowing the difference between Pinot Noir and Pinot Gris.

He shows us his high school and a bunch of other shit that made me depressed. He shows us his parents who live on a lake and clearly live to wipe his ass (I actually like this about them). His mother is straight up Catherine O’Hara from Home Alone. I kept yelling “KEVIN!” at the TV.

If nice guys finish last, I get the sense Ben is one of the “nice guys finish first” kinds of guys. I mean that sexually.

There’s a quick brainstorming session with Sean Lowe, Ben Old Balls and Chris from last season. Chris stayed mainly in shape and confirmed he was not here for the right reasons. Old Balls was fine but why are you here? There must be little league or something. I can’t wait to have little league to be at.

And Sean Lowe, please just stop being on television. What the hell is up with your hair? It’s like Grown Sexy is using him for some kind of weird Scandinavian Boy Band cosplay. She was going for One Direction but ended up with Wrong Direction.

I’m going to breeze through the women just because this first week is a total cluster and it’s a marathon not a sprint (it’s hard to sprint through the television equivalent of a river of manure, though I guess it’s hard to distance run through it too).

The Pacific Northwest was being attacked, likely because people in LA are tired of hearing how great Portland is. Well, it is. I won’t live here forever I’m sure, but Portland is pretty great and just because you found a Dental Hyena to wear a big rose on her head and have a face that looks like it is melting under studio lights doesn’t mean PDX is all like that. Just because you found a woman from Seattle who is a chicken enthusiast doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy Mary’s Chicken with flash fried maple glazed Brussels and rainbow carrots with a tall Rainer and a short whiskey up in the PNW. Just because there’s a flight attendant who is claiming to be from California because she won’t claim to be from Portland doesn’t mean we want her back. I have dual citizenship. #RCTID

There’s a mother of two girls who is from Laguna, got a big time settlement (or invented Tinder or something) and seems pretty nice. She probably isn’t.

Caila is pretty ridiculous. She literally dumped her boyfriend when she saw Ben. On TV. Ben, run dude. If the world allowed her on the show, thus confirming that these things happen to people due to the Kahneman and Tversky concept of WYSIATI (what you see is all there is), she is VERY likely to leave you for fucking Batman one day. She’ll run right out of the theatre. Like that behavioral economics reference? I am very smart. I also spelled theatre like a British person. You’d probably enjoy being my friend IRL.

And TWIIIIIIINS. Miller Lite 90s chauvinistic advertising reference™.

They are from Vegas, which is like Phoenix if it got puked on twice as much – which is saying something because I’ve partied at ASU.

They are so, so, so empty-headed but I kind of love them. They finish each other’s sandwiches. Hey, that’s what I was gonna say! Jinx. Jinx, again!

Searching for that pic, I found this card. If you receive it, report the sender to child services or something.

The best was the villain. Some in the room were calling her a drunk Sarah Silverman. But for me, she was Cecily Strong’s Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party.

Scuze me, Ben. You weren’t looking at me and that’s bad cuz guess what? Eyes are the window to the soul. Soul. Soulmates. Exactly. You’re welcome. And also, get your priority straight. Priori-me, Ben. Whoa. Right?

She definitely was not a choice of Ben’s, but the producers said SHE’S GOLD. Credit to her, she was wasted upon arriving, but kept it at PREMIUM FUNKY™ for a ceremony that ended in the light of day.

I appreciated the girl who hiked Ben a football, but for a brief moment as she bent over and hiked up her prom dress you thought Is this finally the moment someone defecates on television to find a spouse?

Lastly, the Ronda Burgundy, the Austin newscaster. Ben, she’s going to destroy you. She looks like Cameron Diaz in the day but I’m promising you two things. She’s going to be an UGLY CRIER™.

She’s also “quitting her job” to interview at every news station in the country all at once and her acting like you broke her heart is only helping.

BEWARE.

See you next week.

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