This Is A Post About Guacamole and California Secessionism.

In what is probably going to be a long term thing I do between Bachelor and USC blogs, I want to talk about something that is neither. Today, that’s guacamole. Well, avocados.


Whatever your views on “The Wall” are, and I mean the wall between America and Mexico that President Trump is proposing, it’s clear goods from Mexico are going to be more expensive. Look, if they won’t pay for a wall directly (which, regardless of your political views, they won’t because people don’t pay for other people’s things, this isn’t Kickstarter), they will get the money from taxing Mexican goods. Taxing them on shipping them in, taxing us for buying them. Even if you love the wall, realize we’re paying for it one way or another. Likely in the form of avocados.


Here’s what I’m saying.

This USA Today article cites that:

As recently as 2014, Mexico accounted for 60% of the avocados in the U.S., Avocados From Mexico, a trade and promotion association, reports.

The article goes on to say:

The Haas Avocado Board, which tracks shipments of one most popular varieties, expects to see imports of 400.9 million pounds of Mexican avocados this year, compared to 24.9 million from California, one of the largest producing states.

Without needing to do much math at all, it’s clear that if we increase the price of avocados from Mexico, a food need I remind you is the main ingredient in guacamole, which is so delicious that it’s plausible even your typical racist still likes it, avocado prices will soar.

This puts California, our leading producer of avocados in the GOOD OLE USA, in an incredible position of power. Even the most conservative American recognizes supply and demand’s value to free market capitalism. Many liberals in California are talking about wanting to leave the union. But as an American, I want to stay an American. I have a polite suggestion for California, controller of avocados that don’t need a visa to work here in tacos, guacamole and on multigrain toast for a sensible way to get fiber and protein at breakfast.


Instead of whining about leaving the union, California should just raise the price of avocados exported outside of the state. Look, our cabinet of Goldman Sachs economists would laud, cheer and appreciate the move. Nothing is more capitalist than capitalizing on a big short. California can short the avocado industry. They can treat it like oil and use the money to do whatever it wants. Fix LAUSD. Re-sign Clayton Kershaw for 200 years. Buy back the land UCLA is on and make a second USC. I don’t really care.

As a displaced Californian who roots for California, this isn’t political for me. I just see a real opportunity to non-violently exploit America’s love of a Mexican product in the way people love drugs and hate drug dealers. California, you could get rich. I see no reason post-wall that avocados couldn’t cost 20 dollars each. The fun part is, since so much of our produce comes from behind the wall, salsa will be more expensive too, and frankly if you are paying 10 dollars for salsa, you go for the up-sell to avocado. Anyone who has been to Islands knows you always accept an invitation to up-sell avocados.

The free market goes both ways and I think this is a wonderful opportunity to make some money supporting American farmers. California is a wealthy state. It’s time the rich get richer. Like rich, creamy guacamole on Super Bowl Sunday.

Raise the price of California Avocados right now. I just fixed the drought, betches. We can buy Evian for everyone with this extra money.

Screen Shot 2017-01-17 at 10.20.49 AM


1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

One Response to This Is A Post About Guacamole and California Secessionism.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *