This Is Not A Political Post. This Is A Post About Gum Abuse.

I know you guys think this is a political post. It’s not. I will talk no politics in this entire post. I’m just going to talk about one person and their mental health.

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This is about the fact Sean Spicer admits to chewing and swallowing 35 pieces of gum before noon every day. Let’s ignore his political affiliation. Let’s ignore anything that has anything to do with politics, because this is not a political blog. I usually just make fun of things. Or point out crazy things.

Guys. It’s not fake news. It’s his quote, not taken out of context in this Washington Post article.

Even when he is not speaking, it works on overdrive, churning through pieces of Orbit cinnamon gum, which he chews and swallows whole. Notwithstanding his line of work, the man just can’t stand a gross-feeling mouth.

“Two and a half packs by noon,” said Spicer. “I talked to my doctor about it, he said it’s no problem.”

Ignore any perceived liberal bias in the article. Don’t even read it. It’s irrelevant to the fact he is talking about eating whole 35 pieces of Cinnamon gum before morning. The article could be in Mother Jones and be titled, “Evil Devil Man Eats and Swallows 35 Pieces of Gum Before Noon” or it could be on Breitbart and be titled “American Servant and Hero Eats and Swallows 35 Pieces of Gum Before Noon” and my reaction is the same.

Holy shit.

Extrapolate that.

I don’t think even hearing it and going, “yeah, that’s bonkers” even comes close to making sure you get what we’re talking about. This is Anthony Wiener pathologically showing people his penis weird. This is bath-salts-face-eating strange.

Let’s really talk about it. Again, no politics. This is weird for a human and I need to talk about it.

Mr. Spicer has a high stress job. He has to explain what’s happening in the White House to a very divided country against a very inquisitive press. I say that to assume this is a man who wakes up early in the morning to be ready for the day. Let’s say he wakes up at 5am every morning. He is quoted as eating “two and a half packs” before noon. So 35 pieces of his favorite gum. Which is cinnamon, by the way. Even a gingerbread man can’t hang with that much cinnamon.

He’s opening, chewing and swallowing a piece of gum every 8.5 minutes. If I was wrong and he wakes at 6am, this falls to every 6.8 minutes. If I was challenged to eat a piece of gum every 8.5 minutes, I’d last 8.5 minutes. This seems like a very specific, strange eating disorder. He’s clearly worried about it enough that he’s asked his doctor.

I’m just so confused. If you went on a date and your date ate like 10 pieces of gum during dinner, would you trust that person? Would you worry for your safety? Would you want to get them help?

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In Men In Black, a giant bug alien skins a human farmer, puts on his skin (played brilliantly by Vincent D’Onofrio) and stumbles around the house interacting with his dimwitted wife. His odd appearance, his herky-jerky walk, nothing makes her too suspicious of him.

Until he asks he to pour an entire bag of sugar into a glass of water. Then, she’s suspicious. Because as humans, there’s just some things we don’t do. Sure, we CAN drink a glass of sugar water. We CAN eat a pack and a half of gum by noon every day. But who do you know who actually does it?

Just like I have a hard time trusting a man showing his penis to people all the time (Mr. Wiener), I have a hard time trusting a chronic gum eater.

It is not fact that gum stays in your system for 7 years. Not even 7 days, usually. I checked with Yale’s Scientific Journal, who I trust because lots of presidents from both parties and scientists of all beliefs have gone there. Dr Milov quoted in the journal had this to say:

“Gum is pretty immune to the digestive process. It probably passes through slower than most foodstuffs, but eventually the normal housekeeping waves in the digestive tract will sort of push it through, and it will come out pretty unmolested.”

I want you to picture the size of 35 pieces of chewed bubble gum. I want you to picture Mr. Spicer having to pass that amount of undigested gum in his stool every day. I dare you to watch a White House presser without thinking about the fact his body pushing a fistful of undigested gum through his colon. Actually, seven days worth.

It’s an honest concern with no political motive. There are probably many, many people willing to take on a high stress position from President Trump who do not eat an egg-sized amount of gum before lunch every day.

Just something to consider. Or if you are friends with him, get him some help.

Excuse me while I chug a gallon of prune juice.

 

4 Comments

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4 Responses to This Is Not A Political Post. This Is A Post About Gum Abuse.

  1. HG

    I go through about a pack of Orbit peppermint gum a day. I ration myself to no more than one piece per half hour. I would never swallow the stuff, however. Chewing gum can create digestive problems, as my MD spouse informed me.

  2. Literally loled at my silent accounting firm cubicle and had someone come check on me. This is magical. My follow up question, though, is how many packs is he eating after noon? Surely a man so obsessed with fresh breath also needs something while he sleeps? In case he wakes up with breath that isn’t cinammon-y fresh? I bet you anything this dude gargles with Goldschlager instead of Listerine.

    • Bearfighter

      you have a great data mind. i have been wondering that – but because i committed to not politics and to stick to facts – i left it at only the gum he admitted. the the probability he stops at noon seems low. the mouth is gross all day.

  3. I’m still learning from you, as I’m trying to achieve my goals. I definitely enjoy reading everything that is posted on your site.Keep the tips coming. I enjoyed it!

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