BachCap IV: Alternative Facts

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This week, we learned Alternative Facts are a thing. Not a thing we do, but like a thing-thing. Like if your boss tells you that you were late, you can just say “I was on-time, in fact, if anything, you were early and your family needs more attention.”

For readers of this blog and watchers of this show, you knew alternative facts existed forever. The Bachelor mansion is the home of the alternative fact and frankly, I’m surprised it took the government so long to catch up to the cutting edge of culture that’s been sweeping the nation ever since Chris Harrison first drank a martini with the adrenal glands of a rattlesnake instead of olives (#AF). If you’re curious, you order that martini like, “dry gin martini, three rattlesnake adrenal glands, it’s tongue as a twist.”

Do that, you get a show.

First random observation. Nick holds girls hands vertically. He holds hands like how Oprah holds hands when she’s saying, “girl, you are gonna beat this and I’m betting on you with A NEW CAR.” Supporting my theory Nick does something really, really wrong in bed, he holds your hand like Oprah holds another woman’s hand. (For the record, I support Oprah and her hand-holding.)

Chris Harrison arrives to let the ladies know they are going on a journey around the world. As they bubble with excitement, Chris lets them know that journey is to Wisconsin (which I don’t even allow as a connection flight). Nick is so a part of the Bachelor machine, he so has no idea who he is, they basically were like, “we’re saving money so when there’s 20 of these crazy humans chasing you, they get airfare to Milwaukee (which I didn’t even attempt to spell because I don’t care, I just literally wrote it phonetically and let the redline correct it because no one needs to know how to spell it.)

We get to see Nick’s parents again and his mother cannot stop crying. There is so much going on here. She definitely drove from WAUSUSHSAH to MULFEKFKEE to get a big city haircut and she’s been on the elliptical like the Target Lady since Nick went on Paradise. As nice as she seems and I’m not one to shame a mother ever, she very much seemed like a Kristen Wiig character we haven’t seen yet. A mother hoping her son will stop being on reality television while trying to mix a deadly combination of vodka to relax her and bulletproof coffee to jack her up (she read about it in a wellness email passed to her by another friend and the title of the email was in ALL CAPS™ because it’s BREAKING MEDICAL NEWS™.

Nick’s dad, by contrast, just wants his wife not to explode because he’s digging his big city sweater and glasses combo and feels like he’s definitely sitting in the Shamu “Splash Zone” with his wife’s persistent crying.

Do I remember what they talked about? Eagle Rare Bourbon. I just kept drinking it and thinking how much better it was than this conversation.

Inner Side Boob (the beauty salon mogul I’ve nicknamed because while she has a commitment to side boob, it’s the opposite side of most of what we encounter on the internet and bad night clubs). My wife just closed the browser despite probably agreeing. Gwyneth would never do anything but TASTEFUL SIDE BOOB™ – again, she would agree, but my wife is long since left her computer and thinking about what to do to take her mind of her decisions (specifically, marrying me).

But Goop doesn’t have an Inner Side Boob email. Just saying.

Oh yeah, they go on some date and Nick brings out an ex-girlfriend, presumably to prove he’s been with a human woman (our only evidence comes from this show). I was so sure it was one of his 20 siblings and this would be a funny joke. But no. It just made me sad. This was his ex-gf (now bff) who he put on TV. Because he loves women and this is one of them. Accept it. He’s tremendous at dates. He goes on the best dates.

Then, let’s keep it real. They went rollerskating. I like rollerskating dates. I like rollerskating alone. I mean, it’s pretty good. But Nick is a REALLY GOOD ROLLERSKATER. He was doing like step overs and going forwards and backwards and Oprah Hand Holding. How does one get good at this in 2017? If I wanted to, I feel like I’d end up on Craigslist and on some Amber Alert watch list. I mean, he was beautiful on the rink, don’t get me wrong. Nick was like a young Nancy Kerrigan out there, but how? Why? When?

Next.

The group date was on a dairy farm which Nick in no way has ever been to before, but in the effort to culturally box in every location, Wisconsin has cheese and cheese is cows, go to cheese cows. Then again, if the Packers aren’t playing, what else would one do?

Watching Nick milk a cow made me feel the same way I feel watching a sex scene in a movie theatre with my parents. Like, nothing is wrong, but something is wrong?

I did enjoy all the girls shoveling manure in white pants. That’s just great and big, steaming shovelfuls of cow shit is a great metaphor for this show in general.

Ivanka doesn’t want to do this. Any of it. She whines, says some epic stuff I don’t need to repeat and let’s just get to the point. At the night date, she gets in a million fights, gives a million great one liners in some language between baby talk, internet and trust fund and then grabs her boobs. Oh yeah, and she was mad racist about her nanny.

But, New America was on display when she gaslighted Nick and was like “dude, everything is amazing, the girls are great, these facts are alternative in nature.”

Epic. She may be the first contestant who gets executed by her co suitorettes – my money is on So I Married An Axe Murderer, who is still so normal and attractive that I don’t get why Nick. Why.

Raven had a one on one at some point as well, but all I remember was she had a really crazy accurate description of seeing her boyfriend cheating on her and then her beating everyone in the room up. It was like an X-rated Carrie Underwood song. Or a G rated Rihanna song. However you like to roll. Hillbilly song off Lemonade? I could do this all day.

One last point – can we not do the Rose Ceremony at the beginning of the next week? It’s a series. I get it will be continued. Unless Chad is about to slice someone’s head off, I prefer just to know who dies at the end of the show.

That’s all. Survive the week. Get out of Wisconsin.

17 Comments

Filed under Bachelor/Bachelorette

17 Responses to BachCap IV: Alternative Facts

  1. Daniel

    Point of order: You would never order a gin martini. By definition a martini is made with gin. If you want some other inferior liquor with your vermouth, that is when you would specify. A martini is a specific drink recipe. Adding a -tini to the end of a pussy ass cocktail does not, in fact, make it a martini. #MakeMartinisGreatAgain

    • Bearfighter

      while i wholeheartedly agree, not specifying will often land you with the vodka version as I’ve found with a gin loving wife (outside of good cocktail bars).

      • Daniel

        THEN YOU THROW THAT GARBAGE IN THE WEAK-ASS BARTENDER’S FACE, HOP OVER THE COUNTER AND SHOW HIM HOW A REAL DRINK IS MADE, NOT SOME BULLSHIT JAMES BOND EXCUSE FOR A COCKTAIL. #NotMyCocktail #NeverVodka

        • Bearfighter

          I mean, i still like a vesper, but you can modify without vodka. that said, i really have to agree with your tone. and i drink whiskey so i’ll respect your hardline.

  2. PunkA

    Nick’s mom is so hipster. So so hipster. I honestly don’t think she can help herself, either. Plus, is she a Twilight style vampire? Nick is 35ish right? So that makes her what–the Living Dead? Hipster Vampire Mom.

  3. Lindsay

    WHERE ARE ALL THE COPTERZ!? I know you’re with me on this…

  4. Jenn

    Rollerskating was with Raven, not mega side boob. Raven also met his littler sister at soccer which was weird because Nick’s 35 and has a 9 year old sister?

    • Not to be a white knight but do you know how long it takes to have ELEVEN children. There are like, 9 other siblings between our 40-year-old Bachelor and his precocious little soccer sister. P.P.S. she might be 11 now.

  5. Krysta

    HEY! You know I’ve always been one of your biggest fans…and I was born and raised IN WISCONSIN! It’s not LA or chicago, but my God it’s its not Chernobyl.

  6. Kurt

    lolololololololololololololololo……………. you came back. you came back. you were never gonna leave us without bachcaps. you came back. even your short bachcaps are funny. GO SOUNDERS AND FUCK PENN STATE

  7. Taylor

    A) your wife’s name is Gwenneth? Or you’re speaking of Geenneth Paltro? I’m confused because you brought up Goop.

    Anyway, who is New America? I missed that one and now I’m all sorts of confused!!

    Thanks again for a great BachCap.

  8. Dee

    I agree Nick must be doing something really wrong in bed. He doesn’t have any trouble getting women to sleep with him but no one is going back for seconds. Still wish they would have had Arie as the bachelor back in the day. The way he kissed I’m sure he knew what he was doing. The claws would have come out for sure. It could have been epic. Come on ABC, stop giving us Mr. Milquetoast for the the Bachelor. If they’re going to sell us sex at least make it good.

  9. BachFantasy

    In these dark and uncertain times, thank you for being a Comedic Safe Space™. Your recaps are always gold.

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