BachCap I: A New Hope

O Waddup, 2017. Now that the earth has finished rotating around the sun and we arbitrarily are calling it a new year, everything will be better. Starting with this blog. I’m all in this season, but I need to warn you of a few things before we get started, you start tweeting at me all day asking where my posts are and all the cute things we do as a couple together.

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Trump is the president. I am trying to Make This Blog Great Again (#MTBGA) so you don’t have to solely focus on what promises to be THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF AMERICA EVER™. That doesn’t mean from time to time I won’t slip into pointing out the giant burning turd monsters we’re all going to be dealing with. If you supported Trump, that’s okay. You’re more than welcome to enjoy my free content. If you don’t like it, I’m sure there are plenty of hilarious, GOP-alt-right-friendly reality television bloggers in REAL AMERICA™ because Mississippi is known for two things: holding on to the Confederate Flag like the last person at a party who just won’t go home and BLOGS ABOUT WEST-COAST LIBERAL ELITES LIVING IN A MANSION TRYING TO FIND LOVE.

Oh crap. You’re stuck with me. Like we’re stuck with Trump.

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Let’s BachCap™.

The first episode is always the worst. We’re treated to some staples of the show, all of which are less fun than what comes later.

We start this time, like we start every time, with a Nick-retrospective. This is Nick’s public rehab tour and the first thing we have to do I get him to never-ever talk or appear in public. But that would make for bad TV, so they decided just to coach him up. It’s sort of like when Chris Columbus was directing the first Harry Potter movie and he’d literally just say every line to the young actors exactly how they are supposed to say it and with the perfect facial expressions and then tell them, “Don’t act, just mimic what I did.”

What I’m saying is Elan Gale or someone is sitting in front of Nick being like, “If I get knocked down, I’ll get up and show everyone my true self.” I’ve seen Nick’s true self. It’s on his Instagram. He’s shirtless. He’s a shirtless “software salesman” who is shirtless with ten other shirtless folks at Chicago nightclubs. He’s a man who posts pictures of himself like this:

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Kudos on not eating carbs and what I assume is a pretty good pilates regime. But, when people tell Nick to go eff himself, he’s like, obviously, what else would I eff? Take the lower left photo. Outside of a 25 year old, pre-metabolism girl taking an “I’m thinking, but mainly about how fun I am” staring off to the side photo on a daddy-sponsored beach vacay, who takes this shot?

Actually, what guy have you ever met that created a five photo montage, pic-stitch of themselves? Did you like that guy? I don’t either.

Look. I think the person deep inside Nick is probably solid, but his family is super religious and he’s constructed some kind of effeminate playboy image that he thinks pleases them. Which is weird because how is that what pleases a 37 person family is Waushcheecadka, Wherever USA?

Be yourself, Nick. Like you almost were on Bachelor in Paradise. I got your back.

Wow, Elan Gale is good. He got me to say it. Shit. I’m brainwashed NICK I LOVE YOU TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF. My wife just closed the browser.

Speaking of his oddly religious family (oddly because Trump proved God moved on to another planet already), kudos ABC for only showing 5 or 6 of them and mainly just Bella, who seems like a good kid. As they moved through Nick’s varying “suit game” – which I interpreted as the many personalities he’s tried on over the years to feel accepted – his dad asked if one look was a “vampire thing.” For clarity, naming your daughter Bella in the Twilight Era is the most vampire thing you can do short of actually drinking another human’s blood.

LEAVE NICK ALONE RELIGIOUS FAMILY. HE LOVES YOU.

Anyway. Nick, like all broken men who want to be the Bachelor, is afraid he won’t find love. After coming in second to so many men on this show, you start to break down what happens. The question I ask is what is happening when he sleeps with women? I’ve never seen someone succeed so often in conversation-leading-to-coitus or (CpC in advanced metrics, write that down) with such a terrible Deal Sealing Fail Rate (DSF/R).

He mostly nails private convos with girls. He’s mastered being something between the Backstreet Boy they grew up fantasizing about (maybe it’s One Direction now) and their female best friend they listened to the Backstreet Boys with (maybe it’s One Direction now).

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Then, the girls sleep with him and decide it’s not a forever type of thing. Which is very ungirl after finding the unlikely mix of sensitive guy with a ripped body who also is kind of a dick. See my point? What isn’t adding up? That is literally the 3 part recipe for MILLENIAL GIRL HEROIN™ (maybe it’s Molly now).

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They did the awful scene where they have Nick meet up with former Bachelors for advice. This was the bottom of the barrel. Ben is a child who couldn’t make it work with an Oregonian flight attendant, a human who comes from a state known for politeness in a profession requiring you to deal with turbulence and assholes simultaneously while trapped in the air. Oh, and she won’t eat a carb unless she gets the stomach flu.

They brought out Chris Soules, who’s back to being Fat McConnaughey and still has no personality. The fact he did the show to drum up promotion for his hardcore Trump-style land-takeover business makes him even worse. Chris Harrison said this show is a journey to find love, not land ripe for fracking. The only fracking this show allows is in the fantasy suite. My wife just closed the browser.

Then there’s Sean Lowe (Strawberry Lemonade), who at this point looks like a Westworld robot somewhere between being in milk form and human form. I commend him for getting married and having a kid. I just don’t know if that’s because Jesus told him to (personally) or he means it. Still, I’m leaving him alone, because unlike the other two cowards “pretending” to drink whiskey, he finished his glass.

BTW, they were at Bogie’s, which is in my hometown. It was voted the Conejo Valley’s Best Spot To Hook Up With Your Friend’s Newly Divorced Mother Now That You’re An Adult While Santana’s “Smooth” Is Playing. When I bought a house out there before moving to Portland, I tried to take my wife, but it became obvious we were both going to end up swingers by the end of the nights. My wife just closed the browser a record third time.

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Side note, snuck into the Golden Globes once and smoked a cigarette with Stiffler’s Mom and the lady who wrote My Big Fat Greek Wedding. They were lovely. We just smoked and talked shit about Diane Lane who “doesn’t eat.” I thought it was a brutal, rockin’ takedown and they are perfect.

I’m just gonna cover girls I remembered because it’s frankly too damn early to care.

  • The first-impression rose recipient who’s a litigator, LOVES VACUUMING and most be broken in some way if she is on this show.
  • The Canadian Italian French special needs teacher (bacon must be confusing in that house) who seems great so she must be broken in some way if she’s on this show.
  • The girl from Secaucus (read, the train station in NJ where you transfer trains trying to get to your family in better parts of NJ while you are staying in NYC and don’t want to pay 232 dollars for an Uber in 2 hours of traffic) who dresses like a shark and claims to be a dolphin.
  • The girl who slept with Nick and didn’t give him her number (read my previous explanation of what happens when girls sleep with Nick) and then lost 30 pounds and her fucking mind and now wants another round, but not of pastries. She’s past that.
  • TEETHY, who wore yellow and thought it was SO WEIRD™ that she had a fan. Um.
  • The Golden State Warriors cheerleader who brought Neil Lane’s botox-reanimated-latex face with her on day one.
  • The 1990s Love Interest girl who said she wasn’t wearing underwear and when she smiles it’s like A LITTLE TOO BIG and you wonder WHAT’S WRONG THERE.
  •  IVANKA TRUMP, the horrible bacon-wrapped-turd who speaks in the third person, runs a “multi million dollar business” and has a nanny who brings her cucumber snacks. Please bring back MESA VERDE and CHAD and lock her in a room with them. Spin off. Bachelor in Horror-dise. I’m in.
  • Other people who are probably totally broken in a really bad way that we’ll all exploit while drinking wine (bourbon for me).

Well, Nick. You got what you told your parents you wanted. A bunch of weird girls virtually guaranteed to pick you first. Hope you stopped doing whatever that thing you’re doing in bed is. Stop reading Cosmo for male sex advice. It’s not something you can reverse engineer.

I got your back. Make this season great.

One other piece of housekeeping. Have a quick read Trojans – or people who don’t feel like going back to working yet!

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I’m CLINICALLY LIT™ that my USC Trojans won the Rose Bowl last night, effectively ending the original purpose of this blog, which was to be a propaganda machine to combat the NCAA sanctions handed to USC for “not knowing Reggie Bush (the one who dated Kim Kardashian) and his parents took money from a guy who wanted to be an agent.” Last night, USC beat Penn State, another team who was sanctioned, but managed to get their penalties lessened – even though they got in trouble for three decades of covering up 30+ cases of child abuse that happened on campus in team facilities at a state school with tax payer money.

Just because I have a large readership, I want to point out that there’s a big difference between Penn State and USC. Or Miami (who did some pretty gnarly stuff). Penn State put business/football ahead of morality and good judgement. I know people love their schools. I know we want to fight against people who point out that we’re wrong. But Penn State covered up something really bad for a long time and their excuses are terrible. Especially that the current players and coaches and administration “had nothing to do with it.”

I object to Penn State having a football team the way you’d object to  your meth-addict child having meth. It’s the bad influence causing you to make really heinous decisions. I’d buy the argument “it’s all new people” if you had the courage to shut your program down for four years and hit the restart button. Maybe then we’d pull for you or admire your team. You have to actually repent to be forgiven.

Until that point, rooting for Penn State football sort of feels like seeing the movie Spotlight and rooting for the Catholic Church. Sorry.

32 Comments

Filed under Bachelor/Bachelorette

32 Responses to BachCap I: A New Hope

  1. Sarah parker

    WHY do you have to bring politics into an escape from reality? I HATE Clinton w a passion and if you look at a map- most counties do too. I’ve been reading you for years but never for politics. Guess I’ll find an ‘alt right ‘ blog to read as that assumption is so ignorant I don’t know if I can get past your shitty choice of bringing politics in and your butt hurt feelings re the election. One day people will figure out people voted against her not because they were crazy about him. Off to someone smart enough to stick to their specialty

    • admin

      OMG, you’re whining like a liberal.

      • Erin

        If you follow Zack anywhere in social media, you would know that he is not a stranger to posting about topics he is passionate about, including politics. If you like the Bach Cap, feel free to scroll past the parts you don’t like. But Zack . . . a little more on the SC front would be greatly appreciated too!

        • Bearfighter

          good looking out Erin. I am doing a Recap of USC, so fear not. And thanks for being an adult about politics. I am open to all opinions. But I recognize people listen to my POV, so I make it. It’s okay to disagree or not read as you said. It’s not personal.

      • Sarah Parker

        Ponder…. who is President Elect? Popular vote doesn’t matter as it represents certain populated areas more which is why they go by electoral college. MANY more states voted for him. Thanks for the lesson. It’s my career so I don’t think you understand the overall pic. I’m whining so you know how it feels to read whining for months! Back to football and reality tv . I’m sorry I won’t be a reader anymore. Part of the reason Trump won is people is no one wants to mix politics with entertainment and have it shoved down our throats. Reality tv should be an escape and if you can’t leave politics out of one blog, there are many others to read. I’m not for Trump either btw- just against Hillary and sick of hearing about politics when the election is over. I’ve always enjoyed your recaps. Will miss them .

    • Ponder

      Seriously? You realize Clinton won the popular vote right? You’re welcome to have an opinion about not wanting politics in this but STOP spreading false/misrepresented views. Great, more counties went for Trump, but he still lost the popular vote…

      • Bearfighter

        I’m annoyed by bad statistics. Trump won the electoral vote. He lost the popular vote. Hillary, regardless of political views, had the third mosts votes of anyone ever to run for president. It is just not true she was unpopular. Fake news skews our view on things.

        Trump won. No one is denying it. But facts aren’t the enemy. Fantasy suites are.

  2. Judy

    Welcome back. And keep writing.

  3. Lauren

    Love the BachCaps. Have to miss next week because of Clemson vs. Alabama.

    Who do you think takes it all this year?

    • Bearfighter

      Ah, I’m kinda leaning Clemson but that’s mainly just betting against the average. Bama probably wins a boring game like they tend to do (because they are a machine, not a slight on them).

      • Lauren

        Die hard Clemson fan here. Will be at the game in Tampa Monday night and return to regularly scheduled BachCaps next week. Go Tigers!

  4. lauren

    Love every part of this post. glad to have your voice back to the bachelor!

  5. Rae Rae

    Slay on SLAYER. Hello 2017 and BachCaps.

    I also hope Clemson wins, I’m a UW fan and the shade we got from Bama was infuriating.

  6. carlos

    Please continue your USC football game previews/recaps…they were epic…just like the rose bowl(the one won with the best QB to ever play in the rose bowl..Sam Darnold). Can’t wait and…..
    FIGHT ON!

  7. Allison Ratzlaff

    If you don’t know the story about the USC kicker, you should look it up. So cool! He’s from my city (San Diego,) and everyone here loves his story.

  8. Chris

    Bearfighter,

    You were put on this earth to sell google advertisements and review trashy reality television. Pro tip, politics probably isn’t your strong suit.

    • Bearfighter

      Pro tip. You can’t sell google advertisements. Not a thing or term. But since this blog has no financial bearing on me, by all means don’t read it. Cheers.

  9. Carlee

    One of my favorite parts of the bachelor season… this blog. Fun fact, I grew up going to Bogies also. Ahhh, home sweet home. :/

    Anyway, glad you’re back!

  10. AllHeart

    Congratulations on the return of Arrogant Nation. I think it now applies to USC football again, and I’m glad to see it on your blog again.

  11. Jacquie Levy

    I am a fan of your bach-caps, political views, and OBVIOUSLY all posts related to the best university in the world. Happy New Year & keep doing you :)

  12. Kurt

    I agree with the analysis regarding Penn State. We all know that this group of players and coaches are completely innocent of the heinous crimes that took place years and years ago, but it is an institutional issue that was not properly taken care of by the authorities, the NCAA and by Penn State itself.

  13. KatieAnn

    Thank you for saying what you did about Penn State. It’s ludicrous that their football program wasn’t put into sudden death. And truthfully, the kids that suffered at YSC for Reggie Bush’s sanctions were probably still in high school, if not middle school, by the time they were at USC. I have no respect for PennState football. They definitely should’ve shut their program down. Until then, they’ll reap what they’be sown. Karma is no respecter of persons.

  14. Rebecca

    Best post ever, including the politics. Though I really loved your posts a few seasons ago where you drew animals and/or varios objects over the maps of cities they visited on the show… Nah, this is the best post.

    Thanks for writing!

  15. Karen

    Your bachcap break was one of the countless shitty things about 2016. Thank god for MTBGA! We missed you!

  16. Sarah

    Thank you. That is all.

  17. kj

    Indulge me. Just wanted to enjoy these again through the magic that is Cut & Paste…

    – (bacon must be confusing in that house)

    – Trump proved God moved on to another planet already

    – Still, I’m leaving him alone, because unlike the other two cowards “pretending” to drink whiskey, he finished his glass.

    – I’ve never seen someone succeed so often in conversation-leading-to-coitus or (CpC in advanced metrics, write that down) with such a terrible Deal Sealing Fail Rate (DSF/R)

  18. Corinne

    Everyone missed the fact you managed to rename a Bach that came back from the dead. Strawberry Lemonade one if the best names to date! Speaking of names I share the name of the crazy chick. I’m excited for all of ABC’s promo tag lines. “Corinne it to win it” is a decent start.
    Thanks for coming back. Needed you.

  19. Taylor

    Zach!!!!! I thought to myself, “there is NO WAY™ that he is recapping this year. It’s just not happening.” Yet, I found myself typing your web address into my browser and there this was. It was there. It was right there. And it was amazing. Couple things: an unprecedented here Browser Shuttings™??!! What in the literal hell are you trying to do to your wife! But at the same time it fits, because it’s NIIICCCCKKK (said in the voice Kaitlyn used when he first crashed her season). I can’t even tell you how astute all of this is. Is the Corinne who commented THE CORINNE? I need to know. Also, Sean Lowe actually loves Jesus. He’s not like a backwoods trump loving Mississippian. I think he deserves a break here. K? EAnd listen. As far as the girl who said butt hurt and therefore must be either 13 or broken in some way because adults don’t say that, forget about it. I closed the browser at all the anger in the comments. Why focus on that when we can focus on the recap! Anyway, I’m here. I’m in this. Finally, did Ben and Lauren break up?! I must have missed that. See you next week

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