BachCap Finale

Where did the time go? This season never really got going for me. The guys were boring besides Chad. JoJo flushed all the goodwill of being a seemingly smart, calculating person down the toilet with each choice she made. I saw more sequined dresses than it takes to elect a decade of Miss Americas.

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I know I bummed a lot of you out by writing so little. Sometimes, like when I was in Amsterdam on business, there was just no way to see the show. Sometimes, the episode was so, so, so boring I couldn’t bring myself to squeeze a G of words out for you. Sometimes, honestly, I meant to and then just got busy, tired or all the other stuff that happens when you are not as young as you used to be. I started this thing I think in 2008, when blogs were a thing, and 8 years and millions of reads later – I’m a suit.

But I’m writing today. Thanks for reading. Let’s BachCap.

The last episode is always the same. My wife, the blonde genius forensic scientist on CSI: Future Breakups pointed out as much. They always make the underdog seem WAY better to the parents to create drama and then the first dude out of the limo is invariably that guy. He eats a rejection burger and then she marries the boner.

This episode was no different.

A couple quick notes before we go macro, because there is no way I am describing the play by play of a show that made no effort this year to create a compelling play by play. Thank God Bachelor in Paradise starts tonight. That’s the real MVP now. That’s the one the crew gets excited for . It’s the new GOAT. It’s LeBron’s return to Cleveland. It’s Becky with the Good Hair.

JoJo has had some work done. Her mother had too much. Her sister, so little they made her sit off screen and not talk. This is the Goldilocks Principle at work. Somewhere in between too much and too little is JoJo: the ideal amount to the tune of being worthy of a show about twenty men vying to wed her.

Is that messed up? Yes. Should you all vote for Hillary now to repeat for what this show says about the fairer sex (yes, but also because Donald Trump is a human turd dipped in orange paint with a speaker in it that reads facist manifestos in a tinny voice)?

Her mother, to be fair, lowered her daily dose of bacterias injected into various parts of her face and I was surprised at how much her face mask could emote. Let’s give her credit. She was mainly sober. She was kind. Parts of her face moved. She was a big winner. Dad was great. And her brothers didn’t like how they looked last time. They just smiled and enjoyed their dress shirts worn only by Cam on Modern Family and guys in Dallas who don’t get that when the fashion lords created the oxford, they got it right. We didn’t need more to the tune of floral prints in the inside of your shirt. Just stop. You aren’t a Tootsie Pop. We don’t need a surprise inside.

While they tried to play up how great Robbie was and what a d-bag Jordan was, it honestly seemed true. The only thing I like about After The Final Rose is that you get to see everyone without editing so you know it wasn’t the producers faking a story.

Jordan is a huge tool. And let’s get into that. It’s for a good reason. He’s got no self confidence. Want to know why the older brother plays in the NFL and dates an X-Man? He can make decisions. He doesn’t waffle. When Aaron Rodgers sees a man open, he throws the ball. Quarterbacks make decisions. They try to get in the endzone.

Jordan answers every question by repeating what was asked of him so he has time to think of a non-response. Like, JoJo can’t think this would last. She can’t think that when her normal, clever brain we experienced on Ben’s season will put up with Jordan after the tenth time they have sex. Does she not know that the only way she will be able to get off will be to picture different things to bludgeon him with when he runs his hands through his hair.

I’ve never had a friend like Jordan, and not because he’s this bad guy. Because he is not confident in anything. He can’t even tell you what city he will be failing as a sportscaster in. He couldn’t ask her parents for her hand. He called them the day of and didn’t even FaceTime – but that might be because her mom just looks like a screengrab in that format.

Robbie is a boring, basic himself, but I’d be his friend. He can make decisions, even if they are horrible, like wearing a hot pink tie with that suit. Maybe it was to match her nails so the shot where she reached into his chest and pulled out his heart really popped on camera. Maybe he was gonna sell a time share. Dunno.

I felt bad when JoJo said how everyone is rooting against them when she said it’s been rough going for her and Jordan. But the thing is, advice turns to annoyance when you just ignore everything. He just smiles, walks super weird, dresses fly and gives zero shits about you. I feel horrible for both of you. Just break up and save yourself your quality years. He’s a fine human. He just isn’t going to be anything you want him to be and the weird part is YOU ARE SAYING IT OUT LOUD.

I get that the “heart wants what the heart wants” but the heart wants donuts and strippers and hardcore narcotics and that is because your heart is a drunk two year old with the nuclear launch codes to your heart and no matter what the brain tells it, it’s just like “FU I can have another bottle of rosé and text him right now because he loves me guys, you don’t get it.”

We get it. We just want to avoid the next six months of the same depressing talk with you. My wife just closed the browser. OUT OF RESPECT™.

So, another failed season. I need a good one. I’m working on a new plan for next year. Maybe a pod. Maybe some Snapisodes (ghost emoji: lostangelesblog).

Thanks for playing and have a great offseason.

 

10 Comments

Filed under Bachelor/Bachelorette

10 Responses to BachCap Finale

  1. Rebecca Burris

    You say everything I think, but with way better clarity and charisma. Bravo. 100% agree with all.

  2. Snapisodes. I want full credit for that idea thank you very much :)

  3. LBprGuy

    Good to see you posting a recap for this!

    More so than other bachelorettes, Jojo actually seems like she would be a fun date. But (like with all the bachelorettes) that’s as long as someone else is paying for all of the activities – adventures, dinners, trips to exotic locations. If she was on a Travel Channel series, same as Samantha Brown, it would be a watchable hour of tv. Especially if the locals make her cry in every episode.

    And she must know that: why else choose the partner most likely to get them a “Jojo and Not Aaron Travel” television series. Your day job needs to make this happen, Bearfighter!

  4. Possessionista

    this. this is why you are and will always be the worlds greatest bachelor recapper. full stop. shut the computer.

  5. Epic, as always. Loved the Trump remark.

  6. Georgina

    Wow this was the best surprise! I love the idea of a podcast! I would tune in religiously.

  7. Mitch

    Two points. First, I was slightly surprised that JoJo didn’t drop Jordan as soon as she learned she wasn’t going to get free tickets to Packers games.

    Second, I saw the opening tease of tonight’s “BiP” and thought, “Hey, there’s Crap Leinart!” Thanks for that!

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