This actual housing listing in Portland, America’s hottest real estate market, was brought to my attention. I felt the need to rewrite the listing based on the photos provided. A link to the actual listing is at the foot of the post.
Rare, spacious Victorian in the Alphabet District in close-in NW Portland. This 7 bed, 2 bath classic oozes with potential for the discerning home buyer. It’s what we call a true fixer’s dream! While the house boasts three stories, it’s clearly had thousands of stories. Picture your family adding to this tapestry of life just a stone’s throw from the bustle and glamour of the Pearl District.
The grand living room is laid out shotgun-style to a second drawing room. Pictured here configured as a young-man-about-town’s paradise boasting an indoor garage band setup with original stained glass windows providing a natural light show that will have you and your guests feeling like they are taking in a show at the Crystal Ballroom. Original wood floors bounce just as much as that famous night club. The dust on the floor tells you the room inspired the kind of musicians that are currently on tour.
The room features dual viewing stations for quiet, rainy Portland days where you just want to stay inside and watch the big game while also watching pornography in a private setting with original sliding doors.
The reverse view reveals a Scottish tartan-inspired couch guaranteed to remind you of your fraternity days. A non-functional fireplace (shown here functioning via Photoshop) will warm you and your loved ones. The renaissance pagan worship alter housing it is built-in and adds mystical charm.
Step through into the drawing room illuminated by giant bay windows and relax in the included chaise-lounge-slash-lazy boy that’s survived two small fires leaving it with a rustic, northwest campfire smell that will transport you to glamping at Crater Lake or shopping for Danner Boots at nearby Union Way. The Persian rug hides wonderful stories – come view the property to peek under and into the past (NDAs required).
The window coverings serve a dual purpose, providing a soft gauzy light and partially hiding the vintage 1993 Panasonic 6 CD changer component stereo (speakers not pictured).
A true meth chef’s kitchen features a freestanding, hoodless four burner cooktop stove and non-matching kegerator with an extra keg provided. A cozy five seater breakfast table (with cantaloupe) rests adjacent to an oversized window complete with 50% of the original plantation shutters. Get the best of both worlds!
The wainscoting lining the rich terror-wood staircase bears rustic, original nail scrapings and charming dings from several lifetimes of forced detentions, terrified animals and demons clawing their way upstairs. Every day is Halloween!
Emily Rose was exorcised in the Lavender Room. Her original christening gown has been lovingly framed as part of what many feel will be a future historical site in Portland. Tuck your children in nightly with the peace of mind that Satan has already been forcibly removed from this full-size bedroom. As a parent, it’s wonderful to have one less thing to worry about.
The hallway was crafted in the sexually-repressed all male boarding school style complete with a love seat reclaimed from the Clackamas County office of top Ear, Nose and Throat doctor Larry Eichleman. Feel free to enjoy indoor bonfires and seances. Fire extinguisher included (and unable to be removed without damaging the drywall).
The house also contains a multi-purpose room. Previous tenants used it as an art gallery and taxidermy studio. The head of a stag and half of a pouncing black bear are included. The artwork of a violin playing girl (who now haunts the house) are negotiable with purchase, unlike the ghost herself, who has 273 mortal years left on her haunting lease.
Original hardware in every door! No need to ask Chown Pella to recreate these beauties! The brasswork improves grip, essential when fleeing from ghosts and vagrants living in undiscovered crawlspaces in this 1800s charmer.
The bathroom contains a full-size bath and sinkless design evoking a simpler time when the bath was more than just a relaxing retreat from the stress of the day. Tankless water heater? No way. Who needs one when you have a space heater included at the base of the tub, perfect for accurate, gentle temperature control of the people waking up in this tub without organs. Ingenuity reigns supreme with a shower caddy hung in the absence of a shower. Shave or stare at yourself and question your life decisions in the mini mirror hung directly above the space heater.
A private backyard complete with abandoned bathtub gives you a respite from this nightmare of a home. The bathtub can also double as a rain catcher so you can “live green” like most PDXers do and save money on bottled water. Make your own!
A half size garage is included for storing your horse drawn carriage. Just don’t ask what’s under the leaves. Seriously, because the realtor has refused to enter the property. There will be no one to ask.
Asking price $974,900 (not kidding).