First, a humble apology. For fans of my Instagram (INSTAFANS™) I have spent a month between Portland, NYC, Dallas and LA for work. I’ve watched each episode, but by the time I have absorbed them, the next one is basically on. I have drained several hotel mini bars out of pure guilt (and wanting to be NOT SOBER™). I’ve had many of you offer everything from words of support – come on Zack, hang in there and post! – to messages that were more like Zack WTF my Tuesdays are hard enough without you taking selfies at the Soho Grand whining about being tired. Being tired is having a 6 month old and negotiating 2 hours and 15 minutes of me-time a week. That’s 2 hours for this godforsaken show and 15 minutes to read your stupid, un-proofread blog.
So yeah. I got some of those too.
Instead of going into Olivia getting sent home in what is now a disturbing trend of 2 on 1s ending with one person being stranded in the wilderness like they are suddenly started an impromptu episode of Naked and Afriad (or Survivor Wench) – I am just going to talk this week.
After I talk about JoJo’s mother, who drinks champagne right from the bottle, didn’t realize she was on TV and has had so much work done you’d think she married a contractor.
Also, her brothers. What’s up with that? And the fact her ex is a man after all.
Also, Caila and Lauren only two to pass the PARENTAL FITNESS TEST™. You know what I mean. They will always look good. JoJo is fencey. She looks great, but there’s more debate over DNA in her family than in The People vs OJ Simpson.
WE’RE GOING TO JAMAICA AND THERE’S HELICOPTERS THERE!!!!!
The thing is, and I’m not anti-Sandals or anything, I just have to point out the specificity of this particular Sandals. This is where Michael Scott takes Jan. This is where the naked photo happens. This is like, a stop on The Office memory lane tour.
And now these idiots are going to ruin it with television-mandated sex in front of millions. Actually, that ruins nothing. I love this episode and what’s more, this was a GREAT version of this episode. I said early on that Benilla was dangerous. Ben crushes hearts because he wants you to feel something you’ve never felt. He lulls you into a coma of telling him that yes, in fact, HE is capable of being loved. And when you finally give in – BOOM.
HEART RAPE™ – in theaters, July 7th.
My wife just closed the browser.
While Neil Lane was getting some last minute botox touch ups, date one went to the Disney Princess herself, Caila. For real, I’ve said it before. Any time anyone tells her anything, it’s the reaction an animated squirrel has when they discover a bunch of acorns.
She’s dressed like she’s playing some 90s vision of the future aerobics death match competition, but whatever. According to the women around he her hair game is strong. I was more focused on her looking like she was attacked by pastel wallpaper.
There’s a generic rafting date to go eat spicy jerk chicken and enjoy a sexual metaphor. Jerk. Get what I mean? What I mean is that the word jerk has a sexual connotation in this case. Oh. You got that? Sorry. I thought it was SUBTLE™.
The date is weird. Caila who was once afraid of breaking Ben’s heart now is cold buggin’ about having her heart broken because she JUST NOW realized he’s dating (and having sex soon) with two other girls. Eventually she relaxes and just violently makes out with Benilla like she’s bobbing for a hidden apple behind his face.
Ben talks more about being unlovable. Jesus, Ben. This is why you are the guy who we call for rides and not the other way around. This is why you went and got me a Powerade Zero in Vegas while I was fighting a hangover without me even asking. Ben, you would be more lovable if you were less lovable. Girls love their teddy bear. They just don’t date them when they grow up.
Go ahead and marinate on that for a minute, lady readers. I wish we lived in a world where nice guys could simply be nice without having to find other ways to ADD VALUE™ – humor, being a dick, sports, money, being an even bigger dick, having a boat – but we don’t. That’s why nice guys perfect the slow roll.
My wife just went to close the browser. Paused. Had a think on it. Paused again. Closed it and made a note to ask if I “slow rolled.”
Caila at one point said she “can feel his in his breath he feels the same” – maybe about what to order for lunch. All she found in his breath was jerk spices. Also, girls don’t say shit like that. Ever. It’s pulling an Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers.
Either way, she says she loves him. He smiles and offers “Chris Harrison’s Sex Contract” and she accepts. Off to the room to make out in front of enormous FIREWORKS METAPHOR™. In Benilla’s case, I don’t think it was coincidence the fireworks were going off before they even got busy.
Flight Attendant rolls out to date two in a sweater tank top because I guess that’s happening again now. That’s cool because most of us had a thing for Rachel on Friends and so this trend will probably close some fetish loops for men out there who were too young to date a women with this item of clothing the first time it was around. Good luck out there, fellas.
Their date is sort of adorable as they lead baby turtles to the ocean where they will be eaten by basically everything. You could almost hear the crunches as Benilla waved at them.
Ben goes into total “this would ruin it if I wasn’t the Bachelor” territory saying he cried in front of her parents and that she is too good for him. Honestly. Readers. If your prospective partner told you all this after a month, what are the odds you would feel comfortable falling asleep before them? If you step back, this is “collect your hair and make dolls out of it” talk.
Not to fear. He’s the man of her vanilla, non-fat greek yogurt dreams.
The night portion is where the HEART RAPE™ happens. Ben reciprocates “I Love You.” No, no, no. They profess love for each other 100 times and then take it to the mattress and now he’s got 2 girls he’s slept with in love with him and 1 of them hearing it back.
Lauren has this won…
JoJo’s date starts WITH A HELICOPTER!
They go to a waterfall and do the classic make out in the water date. Fun was had by all crotches, by all accounts.
The night portion is identical to the other two. AM I UNLOVABLE? Dude. I got over my homecoming crown in college. I feel like he needs one every year. See that part where I told you I won homecoming. Man, I’m lovable. Ben. Get me a fucking Americano.
So here’s where this goes off. JoJo says she loves Ben. AND HE RECIPROCATES AGAIN. JoJo is like wait, what? You can say that? YEAH. To everyone, I guess. Wow. This is gonna end bad.
One CHAMPAGNE POP METAPHOR™ later, the tally becomes clear.
2 Love Yous
1 One Effed Dude From Indiana and Not Just Because He’s From Indiana (but a little bit)
Caila comes to surprise Ben, but he decides he needs to cut her like fifth period French, which was #17 on his list of 100 Things I LOVE About High School – by Ben Higgins (written in crayon).
She’s going home. She’s getting in the car. She’s getting out of the car. She’s asking if he felt this way all week. She’s wondering if he slept with her with no intention of picking her. YES. But he just says no and she leaves. Man. That could have been an honest moment. Girls, don’t be confused. Saying a lot of things that sound like feelings doesn’t mean a man is telling you anything. Don’t let him coo you to sleep like a baby.
There’s a weird rose ceremony because they all sort of awkwardly high five that they are the final three.
It’s going to be weird. See you at the finale.