QUICK UPDATE – This is two weeks in a row so we’re caught up. Enjoy.
Warning. I’m coming off a FULL BLOWN HUSTLE™ at work and then went to see Book of Mormon. The net result was the bourbon gave me two blissful hours of sleep, but then I woke up, watched a personal marathon of Rick Steves Europe (wait, you guys don’t do that?) and never went back to sleep. I guess what I’m saying is prepared for TERRIFIC SPELLING™.
I always enjoy that first shot in the mansion when you see the room and there’s like ten extra NINJA BABES™ who somehow snuck through all the cameras week one and are being primed to exist in a larger capacity going forward. I mean, to manage to get through all those cameras without being seen, even with editing, is just totally like when an art thief has to capoeira dance through a laser field.
Who was the choreographer who came up with that? We all blindly accept laser dancing as the way to steal something valuable. Why is it never just a wall of lasers? Catherine Zeta Jones’ butt gif (see above) is probably the answer to my query but I’m too civilized for that. I’m not going to stop questioning the world just because Gordon Gekko’s wife uses her butt to rob things.
What were we talking about?
So, the world’s least controversial Bachelor who I’m calling Benilla™. Benilla Wafer is too far because those are interesting. They are great. They are the cookie you forget about (unless you are a freakshow banana pudding enthusiast) and then end up going wire to wire on the first whole box you see.
He’s just straight up Vanilla in the form of a man. And not the old world Vanilla is valuable way. Vanilla like the sad bastard cupcakes in the Sprinkles box that even your co-worker MOST LIKELY TO EAT THEIR FEELINGS™ leaves on the table.
By the way. We’re definitely referring to his junk as Benana when the fantasy suites happen. Although I’m sure he’ll just respect them to death and be thinking “boobs are cool.” Whatever. I’ll be drunk.
The group date is at a high school. The first episode was all about how high school was where Benilla’s best memories come from. I was homecoming prince twice. I was president of the high school. I played sports. High school was great, but if I ever refer to those days as in my top ten, please mercy kill me. I ate a piece of bacon with hot sauce on it during an Arsenal match last weekend that probably was better than all of high school blended with a scoop of protein and some almond milk and some overnight oats. I’m married, btw.
So, yeah. Man boy had a group date in high school and the wicked ride Harrison took us on was nothing short of the beginning of every jock/cheerleader porn premise.
They had to make Benilla’s volcano explode in what was the least subtle visual metaphor ever. They bobbed for apples and debated girls with lacking MOUTH SKILLS™ (their words, not mine).
There later is a mandatory race between Amber and the Portland Dentist. She, being of Oregon, home of the best runners on earth, wins. Benilla is pretty excited because because this Dentist has a super power. In some lights, she is attractive. In some lights, her faces appears to be melting. It’s right out of Seinfeld.
Girl You Wish You Weren’t Talking to at A Party, Lace has some A-grade meltdowns here. She’s in this weird, drunk state where she’s stealing Ben to chew him out about how he needs to get to know her and then delusional in thinking they are about to kiss. She’s good TV. Still, the look on Ben’s face whenever some girl “steals” him away is the same face you make when a meeting you’ve been dreaded is suddenly canceled. And then you go to happy hour. And score a phone number and find a fifty dollar bill on the ground.
The 1:1 is Caila, the girl who got messages from her television about dumped her boyfriend and going for Ben. The Television Whisperer™ who always makes the same faces The Little Mermaid makes when she learns something new about people who live on dry land.
She is going on a date around LA in what is arguably the most depressing cross-promotion we’ve seen so far on this show. Often, we get some kind of loose thematic tie in – like, this Pixar movie is about being Brave and so we’re doing Scottish stuff and being brave. Fine. Kilts are and always will be good television.
But RIDE ALONG 2 is the film and so the date is we’re just going to go on a ride and then make a random stop or two? And worse, we got Kevin Hart and Ice Cube to do this. I love Kevin Hart and Ice Cube, for different reasons. But the last thing I want to see is Kevin Hart trying hard to make this not suck while Ice Cube cringes hoping this shit ends soon.
Want to know how I know Tupac is really dead? Because Ice Cube was on The Bachelor. If he was still alive, he’d have Tweeted a threat. Minimum. MINIMUM. Is minimum a palindrome? No. Damnit. This day just keeps getting worse.
I got a solid laugh when Ben and Ice Cube go into the liquor store because Ice Cube said some pretty funny stuff, but then I just got sad because they didn’t pay any of this off. They just went to a hot tub and waited for Tupac’s hologram to come in and fight all the producers. Straight Outta Whackton.
The next date was with a Love Doctor and suddenly I thought we were on some Bravo show you didn’t know exists and then your relatives from Missouri can’t stop talking about it and you are like WHAT FUCKING PLANET DO I LIVE ON? You drink a lot of wine and don’t care about being judged because they are there raving about Chipotle and Love Doctor on Bravo. You’re safe. Open another Pinot Gris. No one’s counting.
My wife just closed the browser.
They dressed all the girls in futuristic white outfits and started doing a bunch of tests that proved some pretty scientific stuff like “do my eyes go right to Ben’s junk or Sean Lowe’s” – a pointless question. My eyes go to the circuit breaker and the exit route. Eff this date.
Olivia was unbearable here. Despite being I think what’d we’d all agree is traditionally attractive, she has two minor affectations. The first is she is constantly in ACTOR POLISHED MODE™ – for those of you with actors in your extended circle, you know what I mean. It’s like, I asked you how your salad is, why do you sound like you are selling me a George Forman grill in an infomercial. Just talk. This salad is honestly surprisingly impressive. I am not used to salads this good this far east of La Brea. I have been sleeping on this! Oh! How is yours? I’m not normally a fan of kale caesars, but let’s be honest, society can’t be wrong, am I right? Let me pretend to have a bite.
The second affectation is her terrifying, insane eyes wide mouth expressions. She’s the world’s first person to have a dentist told her “open less wide”.
Mouth closed, mouth smiling, she’s definitely attractive, so not picking on her there. It’s just when she does this:
…She starts to look like the evil mermaids from Harry Potter…
So, yeah. Try sleeping after that.
She wins the date and spares us from Ben smelling a bunch of girls butt’s like the golden retriever he is. I felt bad for the lawyer, who seems like a good person, because he said she smelled sour. On national TV. And then later said she smelled like passion fruit. I guess the new produce came in.
She got sent home anyway along with the Dentist who is standing behind me with a needle of novocaine in my neck demanding I tell you how great she is. She’s the best. XOXO, PDX.
I’m back, and so is the show.
Date one is with the flight attendant who is an Oregon Denier – which is shameful, though she is likeable and uh, in quite good shape.
Ben takes her on an airplane ride, which is great because she lives on airplanes. Like giving a florist flowers, dude. She’s got this. Benilla has a hope bracelet and wears a leather helmet for the ride. He says something about the view of her and the ocean both being great. I mean look, if Ben had the game to be gross, this would be. He just was trying hard so again, this falls into the category of HEY BEN I NEED A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT, GRAB ME AND I’LL BUY THE IN-N-OUT.
Ben says yes in that story, btw. The way Batman reacts to the Bat-Signal. He just goes.
They fly somewhere random that for no reason has a hot tub there.
I mean, I guess when you run out of ideas, put a hot tub on it.
The chemistry here seems genuine, because why on earth wouldn’t it be. I think when two people that look like every happy couple stock photo sit in warm water and make out, an angel gets its wings. This is the bachelor at it’s most bachelor. Sometimes this girl wins, sometimes she doesn’t. She definitely might.
Their night date is a lot of pretty open dialogue and while I love girls that love their dad, she really loves her dad. So why did she run from Oregon? What is buried in his apparently-immaculate front yard. Why is this total fox, kind flight attendant who literally has to feed alcohol to hundreds of eligible businessmen a day single? WHAT HAPPENED IN THE FOREST LAUREN?
Also, every time someone said Lauren B. all I heard was Warren G and I started whistling Regulators in my head – just like you are doing right now – THAT’S PRIMING. I CONTROL YOUR MIND. By Mennen™. BELIEVE IT. I’M PLAYING YOU LIKE A PIANO.
Then we go out to a barn where Ben has trouble opening the door to reveal SISTER AMBROISA! Or someone. I have no idea who these people are beyond the fact the lead singer going for the 50 going on 22 look and her backing band was doing that thing I hate where country musicians dress like 90s hair metal rock stars on vacation in Arizona. Just wear a shirt dude. You’re playing the accordion in some country band. You don’t need a leather vest and leather cowboy hat. You just need to play accordion and even that is up for debate.
Caila, the TV Whisperer is at the mansion ALREADY CRYING™ because she can’t believe Ben is going on dates and she’s in love. I guess when you can fall in love via television, you feel things more than the rest of us. I’d really have hated watching the part in Up where they grow old together with her. Like being in the world’s worst Shamu Splash Zone and I’m factoring in whale torture in this assessment. I would rather be covered in abusive whale water than her tears.
There’s a group date at my alma mater of USC to play soccer with two of my favorites, Alex Morgan and Kelley O’Hara, who just won the World Cup and set a great example to women everywhere. They competed for women, they competed for their nation and today, they are helping girls who have never played soccer compete to sit on a couch surrounded by trees aglow with mood lighting.
Kelley O’Hara went to Stanford. She kicks so much ass on the field and then acts cute about it. Violent, Stanford grad with adorable way of dominating foreign nations.
In otherwise, she’s not a contestant on this show. That said, get a new agent because you both are better than this (you heard me Alex).
The game is pretty fun though, especially for Ben who like a moth to a flame or a cat to a lazer pointed, has to run around anytime any sport breaks out going “OHHHHH!” anytime literally anything happens.
Highlights were Alex Morgan laughing at these girls and of course Emily, Twin 1, being a really aggressive goalie. YOU ARE THE GOOD TWIN, EMILY.
At the night date, it’s a full assault on aggressive Toothy Mermaid. She’s being predictably annoying and self-absorbed, but the rest of the girls 100% go full Lord of the Flies on her. This is the kind of woman-on-woman crime that makes that glass ceiling bulletproof people. Love thy fellow idiot competing for love against you on television. Nevermind. Just fight.
The girls start saying she’s got gross toes and I’m pretty sure something came out about her augmentations. The real part of interest was when she got downstairs and it talking about it, she just asks – is it my cankles?
Fantastic. This was some real awareness for cankles and now the producers will wait at least two weeks before we get a shot of the cankles and the feet. Now I just want to know. I don’t care and I want to know.
Up next, one of the most interesting dates in Bachelor history. Jubilee, one of the most interesting women ever allowed to be on this show. A rough history, military service, zero fucks about being authentic and pretty awkward socially, Jubilee is very real. How will this go? It’s almost painful watching her get excited for the date.
She is nervous day of and gives Ben hell for being late and then since she doesn’t like helicopters, teases if anyone else wants to swap they can.
This date is totally interesting. She is spitting out caviar. She is telling him her favorite food is hot dogs. She makes it sexual. And also not. She calls him white boy.
She actually made Ben seem way, way more authentic than he seemed. I mean, I know he’s nice and all, but he kind of was a better, more interesting version of himself with her. And she, a more understandable complex woman. Isn’t that what makes relationships great? Not to be all TOTALLY FUCKING RIGHT™ about relationships, but the good ones are ones that help you understand how you interact with the world. It’s a close friend who loves you when you aren’t at your best and is good at helping you not be your worst.
For a moment, I felt like I was watching a better show. HOW DARE YOU™.
She gets the rose and this whole thing is weird because WHO KNEW?!
Cocktail party starts with Ben admitting he just found out some friends from home died in a plane crash. He’s hoping for a good night. It’s a good opportunity to see how comforting these girls are. And for Toothy Mermaid to talk about her cankles. I feel like she was crying and practicing news lead-ins about cankle awareness in her room listening to Debbie Gibson records on full blast. She scares me.
Jubilee, who the house hates because she is different (read into that as cynically as you want) just sets up a massage table to rub Ben down. Not in a gross way though for the first time in Bach history. She actually is talking about his feelings. I felt like they get each other. The main point is that Ben really needed this it seemed like. I kept waiting for this to get awkward, it just didn’t. She didn’t make it about her at all.
And then the BRAINDEAD HITMAN Amber comes in to kill the game. Ben’s not happy, but he’s not a rager so he just gets up and deals with it.
Twenty minutes later, Jubilee is dropping truth bombs like “this ain’t cute” and she tries to not get sucked in. Amber won’t let it go. Ben, who likes her, decides he’s gonna comfort her. Amber attacks again. WTF. Bad look. When former contestants don’t get that this is like driving your car into an brick wall, it drives me insane. It’s like playing baseball and not understanding you run to first after you hit the ball. It’s worse. It’s batting without a bat.
Out of nowhere, Lace sends herself home. I know people love her, I’m bored. Sad she’s not happy with herself. Hope she fixes it. She already fixed the show by leaving though. There’s real drama this year. Whatever happens with Jubilee will blow my mind. She’s the most interesting person to be on this show in years. I’m rooting for a good outcome for her whatever that may be.
And welcome to all the new friends on Instagram and Twitter. Appreciate it. Spread the link like a virus.