The Bearfighter’s Field Manual to Idaho Vandals

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Admittedly last week was disappointing, knowing Josh Rosen has locked up the Heisman. It seems a forgone conclusion that the Bruins will win the National Championship by October as they did last year. Frankly, I’m not even thinking about Rosen for Heisman. I’m thinking he’s a front runner for the 2016 Presidential Election.

In other news, our own blue chippers dropped PlayStation stats on an awful team and well, Cody Kessler tossed 4 touchdowns in a losing-Heisman-status to Josh Rosen performance that drew comparisons to former Labor Day Heisman Winner Brett Hundley.

This week we play the Idaho Vandals and that’s not the first time. But the gist is the season won’t start until we play Stanford. But hey, for those of you like me who sort of live near Idaho, or just potato lovers in general, this BFM is taking a second week of cupcakes.

LET’S GO!

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SCHOOL

Idaho is the public university in Idaho.

Now that we’ve covered that sentence, let’s get to the first thing that jumps out. Their endowment is something like 250 million dollars, but the land they are on is worth over 800 million dollars. Let’s not mince words. The University of Idaho is worth less than the land it’s on.

That’s true of most schools in places like California, but for the purpose of heckling any random Idaho fans you run into while skiing, looking at nature or enjoying potatoes, feel free to make this point to them. If that fails, let them know you think it’s messed up they are in a town called Moscow. In what’s a fairly Republican (read: super-against-anything-that-sounds-like-communism-even-if-it-isn’t), I want you to know that they put their state school in a town called Moscow.

Locals may claim that this is because there was a cow that died and was covered in moss due to the sands of time thus earning the name Cow of Moss, then Americanized to Moss Cow and shortened for Twitter use to Moscow, but in reality these guys just totally love Stalin.

They don’t call them French Fries in Moscow. They call them Bolshev-sticks. Is that true? I don’t care. Just like this game. We don’t care and neither does Google Chairman of the Board, Josh Rosen.

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They have a beautiful administration building (so they tell me), but it’s not the first. The first burned down and the cause is not known but sources (me) are claiming it was the Mensheviks, obviously as a reaction to the naming of french fries Bolshev-sticks. This is Moscow we’re talking about.

It’s also worth noting Sarah Palin can see the University of Idaho from her home in Alaska.

Moscow is unique in that it is a cartoon city where everything is well labeled, as evidenced by this map, which Art Historian Emeritus at the Met in New York Josh Rosen called, “transcendent, like my stat line against Virginia.”

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There appears to be many hot air balloons and even a chili pepper riding what looks like a loaf of bread with a saddle.

One cool thing happened at U of I. Teddy Roosevelt once gave a speech there and he stood on a platform made out of wheat. I’d buy that for a dollar.

There’s a path on campus called the Hello Walk (which is probably also a brother-sister electronic indie duo from Brooklyn where you aren’t sure which is the brother and which is the sister) that was designed by the same person who designed Central Park. I guess people were required to say hello to each other back in the day, but like the Bolsheviks, this no longer exists.

The school has a steam plant that helps power it. Still. I know I should be stoked because I generally am down with eco-friendly solutions, but I just can’t picture the USC steam plant unless it was a sauna hot girls took instagrams in. HEY MAX NIKIAS. IDEA.

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Youngbloods on campus, don’t say I never threw you one.

The Idaho Greek system has actually led the school in GPA since 2011, which means:

  • They don’t party hard enough
  • The school is too easy
  • The rest of the student body huffs paint thinner

Oh, kept reading. 80% of the school has a 3.0 or better. It’s easy.

Really scraping the bottom here, but I guess they used to use Wisconsin’s fight song as their own before they let a lawyer write their current one, which I don’t expect to hear much anyway.

FOOTBALL TRADITION

For the second straight week, we get a Sun Belt opponent proving that it is in fact a real thing and not an acid flashback from a wild Thursday night on 28th Street.

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This Wikipedia explanation of their school colors is amazing:

The university’s official colors are silver and gold, honoring the state’s mining tradition. Because these metallic colors in tandem are not visually complementary for athletic uniforms, black and gold are the prevalent colors for the athletic teams, with an occasional use of silver, similar to Colorado, whose official colors are also silver and gold. When Idaho moved out of the Big Sky to the Big West in 1996, the yellow “Green Bay” gold was changed to metallic “Vegas” gold.[3] Yellow gold and black were the colors used by most of the varsity teams from 1978 to 1996, initiated by first-year head football coach Jerry Davitch‘s new uniforms for 1978.

There’s so much thought that went into this, yet no thought went into answering the question of if a town called Moscow was a good place to put a school and when they did put a school there, did they really need a football team?

I do love the idea of “Vegas gold” – it sounds like a strain of marijuana your in-fraternity dealer overpriced back when it was illegal and stuff.

Vegas gold, of course, got it’s name from the color of International Hair Model Josh Rosen’s fabulous golden locks, which by ounce is more expensive than Spanish saffron (and equally delicious in paellas).

This school has played in so many conferences it earned the nickname “The Harlot of the Inland Northwest” in 2015 when I just wrote that right now. Honestly, there’s less variety in a brothel than their list of conferences.

They got their nickname “Vandals” after they “vandalized” their opponents. This was around the time Teddy Roosevelt was giving speeches on mounds of hay (as previously mentioned), so it’s hard to know if vandalized meant “they played well” or they “covered opponents tractors in shaving cream” – which would have been the kind with a brush because I’m fairly sure aerosols weren’t a thing back then.

These guys do their Vandalizing in the “Kibbie Dome” – which should have been a silo for storing pet kibble, only it isn’t. It’s a four sport stadium that seats 16,000 fans in case anyone wonders why this wasn’t a home and home.

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They are probably using it for a regional dog show.

It looks as though you might store grain there in the harsh Idaho winters, but sadly, that would compete too much with the product of the field.

In trying to learn something about their rivals, I found maybe the single most depressing paragraph ever regarding their rivalry with Washington State (who lost to Portland State last week and no one here in Portland even knew):

Two of the recent games played in Pullman (1999 and 2001) were designated as Idaho “home games” to help reach existing NCAA minimum attendance requirements. The 2004 game was a designated Idaho home game for revenue purposes.

Oh man, gotta love a rivalry where it is literally possible to designate a home game. We should flop BYU and WSU for that alone. Or just keep Utah, lose WSU and Colorado and go back to the Pac Ten – sounded cooler.

CURRENT EVENTS

Idaho got rolled at home by Ohio in their own grain silo, multi use barn. They gave up 21 points in the first quarter. Like I said last week, if USC loses this game, we at least get to see a Disney movie about it.

The most important thing this week for USC is the impending victor of Todd McNair in his lawsuit against the NCAA, who litigate by shooting themselves in the foot while getting caught pissing on a cop car’s tires and then botching a suicide attempt when questioned.

McNair will get his. Pat Haden, hope you are ready to threaten suit, get us our fake wins and bowl dollars back and make a better point than we’ve been able to make to this point.

8 time Grammy award winner Josh Rosen believes in you.

 

 

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3 Comments

Filed under USC Football

3 Responses to The Bearfighter’s Field Manual to Idaho Vandals

  1. Jimmy

    You’re truly in midseason form with this post.

  2. Tastee

    You forgot to mention Time Magazine Man of the Year Josh Rosen.

  3. RedDogSoccer

    Those Rosen one jokes are fire.

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