Before I start, how stoked are you that Pumpkin Spice lattés are back at Starbucks? Sure, it’s the kind of blazing hot summer that makes you positive global warming isn’t a strong enough term (GLOBAL BURNPOCALYPSE™), but Starbucks brought it back early. We’re all ready for it, who cares if it’s normally a fall thing. If we did everything correctly in an order that made sense, I’d probably still cook my chicken before I ate it. Finally our coffee flavorings have jumped the season like that guy in your high school who is really excited about his new leather jacket even though it’s still August. That guy was totally Nick, by the way.
Look, I’m making a point. There’s a reason we like hometown dates before fantasy suites. There’s a reason we like extreme dates and exotic locales. And helicopters, god, the helicopters. Remember them?
We’ve been stuck in Ireland for what feels like two months at this point. Let’s be clear. This show has managed to get to the final two with a travel itinerary that was limited to Texas and Ireland. God, that’s like the bottom of the barrel right there. I mean, her travel plans are literally the licorice flavored Jujyfruits. They are there to only get eaten when there’s no other option. It’s like every other location banned the show. Remember going to places like Panama City? Africa?
Crap, I think they went to NYC too, which I love (as you know from my Instagram), but that was probably because Chris Harrison had a book tour stop and had to bring his garbage with him.
Back in ENDLESS IRELAND™, Leave It To Beaver goes on a half-assed horse riding date in a sweater he bought off-camera. He’s a nice guy, but he’s going to get sent home and you knew it because Kaitlyn does not want someone to care for her, she wants a bully or a poodle.
I don’t even want to comment on this date because it was a waste of time. Nothing Beav said was gonna make a difference. I just hope he got a little fun in because otherwise he may literally have to go home, learn to be an asshole and continue the vicious cycle of women wanting a nice guy, rejecting nice guys, falling in love with assholes and then being older and single because eventually the nice guys marry younger girls who will settle for “older” instead of “total prick” – My wife just closed the browser.
The next date was with Gosleech and it was golf themed. Anything to not have to leave the property, guys. I just hope they paid the parking meters. Cheap asses.
Gosleech dressed in a hot pink and electric blue ensemble that was SOOOOO EMBARRASSING save the fact that it’s how every asshole on the PGA Tour dresses already.
I’m sure at some point someone Googled this and that’s why they convinced Gosleech to get naked for no reason at all and run around holding his junk. I just enjoyed that he wears Pro Combat tights as underwear in case a game of football breaks out randomly. I get it. You are a trainer. I’m an advertising executive. I don’t dress like this under my normal clothes:
Gosleech drank more beer again and then Kaitlyn, who is very turned on by the idea a bully and a high school girl are fighting over her, decided to ask about why he doesn’t like Nick. We had to hear more about Eskimo brothers, which is the dumbest term I ever heard.
One love. We’re all eskimo brothers in some way. And sisters. Especially if you are a creationist.
In the morning, Nick was waiting to Glenn Close Gosleech outside the room and despite “not wanting to talk”, they go inside together and say more nothing at all.
Gosleech is so dumb it hurts and Nick, well, Nick is a little girl minus the part about being cute and fun to listen to talk. I blacked out in the middle of Gosleech repeating sentences that were vaguely like, “I came over and came clean and made it right and said I think you aren’t here and people know why you are or aren’t and I don’t have time for you bro I’d rather be anywhere than right here with you because you aren’t even anything you fancy slick smooth talker”.
Nick talks like he’s eating cotton balls, looks around like a little girl shy in front of a firefighter and speaks in the kind of instagram quotes you expect from people who will eventually resort to manual labor.
Maybe it’s because his instagram feed has these:
OMG. GO HOME.
We’re talking about a bully in Gosleech who can’t speak poorly arguing with this guy in a Tequila Mockingbird shirt he is super proud of:
Nick is the worst endorsement for Chicago since the 1903 fire.
Anyway, at the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn freaks out presumably because she is dressed like a stripper fighting her way out of a tangerine. Also, every time she dresses skimpier, we find eight more tattoos. I’m terrified her whole butt is a map of the mountain ranges of Canada.
Well, not terrified.
She cuts Ben down and he’s a gentleman about it. He’s back to wherever to do well at work, respect women, wear slightly too big oxfords and probably enjoy drinking IPA (whiskey is a little crazy for him).
There’s a weird bro down with Nick and his technicolor DREAM SUIT™ and Gosleech, who still can’t tie a fucking tie. HERE:
Off to magical… Utah?
Wait. Hometown dates are all at one hotel in Utah during the offseason? For no reason they will tell us? We’re just not going to people’s homes? Are Peppermint Mochas back already? COME ON ALREADY.
Nick’s family is just as Twilight as the last time we met them. His mother, who FUCKING LOVES™ Robin Wright in House of Cards just starts crying immediately, further proving the insane emotional damage Nick received the last time on this show. That said, she sure doesn’t have a problem with him pathologically being on the show.
This whole family (minus Bella who I am leaving alone minus that she was totes named after Twilight) clearly went to a Magnificent Mile style advisor or something. Everyone was dressed as the sitcom version of an archetype. I particularly loved 80s Keyboard Player brother and the brother whose clothing didn’t really fit but Nick told him he couldn’t be seen DEAD in the West Loop without wearing all-over print with piping down the front.
Everyone seems to like Kaitlyn. Maybe because her eyes and mouth move in multiple directions when she gets exciting. That’s exciting I guess.
Nick says he loves her in the worst way ever. I’m sterile now. My line ends. It’s so Game of Thrones. Starks no longer can rule the north because Nick made me sterile. He was like I love you like this:
And Kaitlyn was so basic being like:
Then Nick was like:
Because inside, he’s like this:
I just sat there like my homie Bill:
Gosleech brought his family out and it was so boring I figured it might be why they brought the show to Utah. He told her he loved her. Great.
1 Helicopter. 0 Asian markets. 59 Nick outfit changes. 0 extreme dates.
LA. NYC. TEXAS. IRELAND. UTAH.
See you in two weeks for the finale. Thank god football is back soon.