BachCapette 8: Nightmare Suites

This entire season feels like the scene in Interstellar when McConnaughy is just floating in 4D dusty bookshelf land trying to make contact with the real world through a rip in time and space and against the will of his audience, his daughter, because he’s been an unreliable father.

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YOU ARE THE UNRELIABLE FATHER, CHRIS HARRISON.

And you didn’t even bring this thing along.

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I love you, bud. Your suit and tie game is second to none. I’ve said on many occasions we’d likely be buds. I’ll get hopped up and be your wingman on an epic cougar hunt at Padri in Agoura Hills right near the mansion. Mothers love me. Just ask my high school friends.

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But you gotta do me a solid, bud. You gotta get this trainwreck back on course. Stop putting lipstick on a pig and butcher some new swine.

You could have made this whole season one episode. You could have spent the entire budget that was wasted putting whatever girl is in whatever Carl’s Jr ad that comes out next in near-space like they did to that other girl that was in a Carl’s Jr ad.

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Let’s be clear. This season’s travel itinerary looks like it was done by mistake by a drunk sorority girl planning a semester abroad. How high were the production team members when they concepted AGOURA HILLS -> SAN ANTONIO -> IRELAND.

What?

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Real quick. Bryce Dallas Howard or Jessica Chastain?

Guys, I could hang with the obscure format if the payoff was actually worth it. God, I’ve defended this show through thick and thin. I watched the time you had BRAD FUCKING WOMACK do a second season. You recycled compost and used it as compost.

But as we said in film school… Whatever, I didn’t pay attention. The point is you have ten minutes of content, a gullible Canadian leading lady who is more boring than we thought, and you are stretching this thing out to the point we can see through it like prosciutto from a very, very good butcher.

Unless Gosleech and The Other Guy get in helicopters and battle to the death with missiles and emo-tears, this season is lost.

WE’VE HAD MORE DATES IN IRISH PUBS THAN DATES ON HELICOPTERS.

I don’t think I can remember a season where anything other than the classic, and now much missed, STROLL THROUGH ASIAN MARKET™ have outnumbered helicopter dates.

This season is so messed up, there’s a half-living fetus of a season that exists only in the credits where Britt and a dude we knew for seven minutes of airtime dressed like he’s going to some honky tonk nineties rock ashram are dating and now going long distance.

Dude. SO LONG DISTANCE™. We’re done.

So, since I should try to discuss this episode, Leave it to Beaver did great. He’s a really nice guy who will probably lose, be the next Bachelor and be so damn boring. Look, in real life, date him. Be his friend. Make him drink one too many beers (prolly, what, 4?) and watch him take his shirt off and sing songs from his fraternity bus rides to invites. Great. Can’t wait for New Year’s and a new season. I’d try to OD on something right now just to get out of thinking about it, but all I have is some Whole Foods Cape Cod Trail Mix. Fuck today.

Nick continued being the grossest dude on the planet. I can’t even watch him. He just giggles, whispers, says nothing and plans how he can make dolls out of your hair.

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He’s Cool Ethan from Slackers.

Attention is fun girls. So are Oreos until you eat enough of them and you literally can’t even look at the package anymore and then avoid the cookie aisle all together, start seeing a juice cleanse, posting it to Instagram to piss off Oreos and always wonder when Oreos is going to come back and cut your face off and wear it as a hat.

That’s Nick. Know how I know? He told a girl on national television she “made love to him” and then cried and then CAME BACK ON THE SHOW.

I’m pissed at Gosleech too. They wind this dude up on Guinness (because we never leave Ireland ever, it’s like we’re all fucking leprechauns and it’s just NOT ALLOWED™), finally tell him about the gross NickLoveMaking™ and what does he do? Come over in the middle of the day and get into a verbal pillow fight. Nick definitely called his homely best friend girl out there and was like “I totes took him down, so whatever” –

And then the show was like TO BE CONTINUED. I was like I HUNG UP AN HOUR AGO.

I felt bad when Creepin’ Hawke went home. Make him shave and let him be the new Bach. Homeboy was a class act and his only crime was not being the kind of clinger that vaguely looks like Alf and Gosling’s child or the kind that looks like Peter MacNicol.

Or, you know, just find a civilian girlfriend.

[fart noise]

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20 Comments

Filed under Bachelor/Bachelorette

20 Responses to BachCapette 8: Nightmare Suites

  1. LauraAlyssa

    This season has me SO disappointed! I watch The Bachelor/Bachelorette for its formula, and for the joy of reading your BachCaps. They’ve messed with the plan so much this season my bf and I can’t even tell what the heck is going on. He keeps reaching for the remote to change the channel because he thought maybe that was the end of the episode? But no. And then it ends and he’s like, what? How is *that* the end of the episode?! Nick is awful and I’m wondering now if he is the harbinger of this show’s doom…

  2. Julie

    Yep – homegirl is definitely “more boring than we thought.” It’s like she thinks this is a serious husband-hunting show or something, and not whipped up for the entertainment of lonely couch potatoes like me that are one oreo away from our own reality show.

    • admin

      i don’t think she’s boring because she wants to find a real husband (and can you believe that with her feelings for nick?) – i think she’s boring because the person that attempts to rap, tells dirty jokes and dances vanished and what we have now is a someone who cries in hotel rooms.

    • Sheila

      Great comment, Julie!

  3. Ali

    Google a video (so you can hear audio) of Donny from Ted (the movie). That is Nick. Creep.

  4. cha

    WHY ARE WE STILL IN IRELAND?

    Also, my money is on Ben Z. for bachelor. Producers *mysteriously* changed his occupation from personal trainer to entrepreneur mid-season.

    • Dr. Janosz Poha

      LOL. I didn’t catch that. But Ben Z still seems like an OK dude. He would be better than a 3rd season of Brad Womak, ugggghghghgh. Of course Harrison would pull that. OK I’M OUT, TIME TO HAVE A COCKTAIL AT PADRI. ITS COUGAR HUNTING TIME.

  5. Haley

    THIS is the most insightful piece of advice to give to single women everywhere:

    “Attention is fun girls. So are Oreos until you eat enough of them and you literally can’t even look at the package anymore and then avoid the cookie aisle all together, start seeing a juice cleanse, posting it to Instagram to piss off Oreos and always wonder when Oreos is going to come back and cut your face off and wear it as a hat.”

    So perfect. And also can’t stop laughing.

  6. Sheila

    I know this is torturous for you to have to recap, but thank you from the bottom of our hearts for suffering through it for us. You are exactly right about Nick’s appeal — it’s going to wear thin very quickly. And then she’s not going to be able to get rid of him. Also, can’t stand the way he has his hand in front of his mouth all the time when he’s talking.

  7. Craig

    I think i solved the mystery of Ireland…they must be getting tax credits for filming there so long

  8. Melissa

    What about Joe’s departure?!! Was it so fucking awkward that we can’t even mention it? :)

  9. Katie

    Thanks. I can’t stop thinking about Oreos.

  10. 55

    I think Creepin’ Hawke is a nice guy, but he struck me as a real dumbass. Just the things he said were always things that he was supposed to say. And the way he would latch on to what another dude said.

    So, not good enough for last season’s Kaitlyn, too good for this season’s.

  11. Anycia

    Can the next post please shed some light on Nick on Bachelorette vs Nick on Instagram? I just… no. It hurts my brain.

  12. PunkA

    I think the problem this year goes back to the fact that the Bach’ette doesn’t know what she wants to be, and thes how has no clue it wants to be this year either. It’s a collective mess.

    Kaitlyn moves between good time girl, and serious boring girl so often we all got whiplash. And it makes her love journey completely unbelievable as well. And this show needs that sort of buy-in that it is actually happening by this point for at least 1 of the guys, or really what is the point? They are supposed to be selling us outrageous and ridiculous fantasy, and I see none of that with Kaityl and Nick or Kaitlyn and Shawn. I just see 3 idiots being idiots in thair own special way. And it is dull.

    As for the show, this season where they tried to reformat was an epic miss. They blew it and took away what made this show a guilty pleasure–the fantasy and travel aspect. Then messing with the normal rose ceremony to create a contrived cliffhanger was lame as well. Fleiss deserves a groin kick.

    And the end of this, the only result that makes any sense to me is if Katlyn pulls a Womack v1.0. There is no person or relationship to root for here. They all need to be losers.

  13. Lindsay

    Jessica Chastain. Obviously.

  14. Taylor

    THANK YOU. Jessica Chastain and Bryce Dallas Howard. I’ve been saying that for years. Also, the quintessential Asian Market date (always given to the runner up because private islands do not go to runners up…) My husband is starting to get annoyed and also amazed at how many things you write that I’ve also said. #brosforlife

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