I tend to defend the chaos of this show just because in the end, we go to the toilet to see a shit show. My wife just closed the browser. Early. World record.
The thing is, this year, we’ve lost the format so much, we’ve forgone so much world travel, so much hijinx… The show just kind of sucks. And I think they know it.
They know it because they are blending episodes into episodes, giving up on traditions that have made this the Saturday Night Live of ruining your personal life.
Instead, we’re now on WEEK EFFING THREE™ of NICKGATE™. And look, it was interesting she slept with him and seemed to be honest about it, but they go and ruin that by dragging it out for three damn weeks. It’s like watching a football game where they play eight games of checkers before going to overtime. I’m wondering what the point is. I used to have fun hangovers from this show from drinking because I was laughing and holding court. Now I just sort of drink SILENTLY & VIOLENTLY™ in the corner and then skulk to bed to let unconsciousness suck me into the underworld.
Let’s get the dates out of the way before we talk about the Gosleech/PeterMacNicol situation, which is really all that happened.
JJ and The Man With The Dented Forehead went on a 2:1 elimination date. They went to a cliff. They drank some whiskey. JJ tried the move that worked ALL THE TIME™ in high school. It’s a tried and true method involving coming off like you are this arrogant prick high on the confidence that can only come from have a huge gap in your teeth and the ability to tuck your shirt in before buttoning it (did you see that?). Phase two of this method is telling a girl that you don’t know that well that you cheated on your ex and ruined your life because that’s pretty HAWT™. Just ask any girl.
She’s not your therapist, pal. She’s also not going to be your wife. Auf Wiedersehen.
For some odd reason, Canada makes Oh Forehead, How Dent Thou stick around. He’s pretty cool I guess. He comes from where bourbon and baseball bats come from. And he’s going home next week, so whatever. Or maybe in a month. Not sure when they are planning to do another rose ceremony.
The other solo date was with Creepin’ Hawke, who by virtue of this shitshow is turning candidate simply because even his WANDERING FACIAL HAIR™ can’t hide the fact he’s a lot more interesting than one half of the dudes, and far less clinger than at least two of the other ones.
They go on a road trip. They kiss the blarney stone. They make out. ROSÉ ALL DAY.
Now let’s get to the point. Peter MacNicol wants to tell the world about his sex with Kaitlyn, only she doesn’t want him to, because truly, it’s embarrassing to sleep with a guy like him. I’m not slut shaming (we’ll get there). I’m all for sex. Just not with the under-villain in Ghostbusters II.
Gosleech is stone cold buggin’ and being fed a lot of beer. He goes to confront Kaitlyn about what the promos led us to believe is the SECRET COITUS™, but in reality, it’s about some dumb off-camera interaction where she told him “he’s the one” –
WE REMEMBER AMANDA BYNES.
Anyway, Kaitlyn is so relieved that all this interrogation is just in regards to the offscreen chat and NOT the fact she slept with the cross between a ferret and a pipe cleaner that she tries to reassure him by basking him in her relief. Only, then she goes high and mighty with him. We call this GETTING CAUGHT IN A LIE™.
So for the rest of the episode, it’s a million tantric close, but nope, moments including a weird talk with Nick where he starts crying after talking about sex. The dude honeydicks people. See The Interview. Straight honeydicking. All day. But then afterwards, he’s crying, he’s asking why you made love, he is a time bomb made up of tears, windbreakers, fluffy hair and lifetime movies. RUN.
So let’s fast forward to the resolution. Chris Harrison comes in (in a radical tie) and just kind of tells Kaitlyn the fact she slept with Nick is throwing the show off. She needs OFF CAMERA TIME™ with EVERYONE™ before the hometowns. What?
Is the show slut shaming her now? Are they 100% sure she will sleep with everyone? Was she freaking out so much that maybe if it comes out after fantasy suites, it will be okay? Are they all so dumb as to forget they will see the show and know about this? What the hell is going on? They would NEVER do this with a dude. Period. I have to hope it’s Kaitlyn wanting this in some messed up GIRL LOGIC™ or I just feel gross. Like eating sushi that’s been out too long in the sun (I go to a lot of yacht-based events, it’s a real life hazard for me, you couldn’t wear my topsiders, my life is hell).
So now, we’re dragging this out another week. We’re still not leaving Ireland. I am not even going to talk about Cupcake’s ridiculous helicopter therapy session date where he thought for one second about tossing his mint green toothpasted carcas off the cliffs.
The mariachi date feels long removed, doesn’t it. My gut is she is a hot mess backstage and somehow we’re going to need to speed up or I’m losing patience.
Adios to Captain America. Probably the last dude on the show that I’d let drink whiskey with me. If you are reading this, beers?