BachCapette Six: Oops.

This is not going to follow any standard format because frankly if the show can decide to run an episode that starts at the previous week’s cocktail party and stops before the third date the following week, THERE ARE NO RULES.

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Full Package just went batshit. I don’t know how in his head the producers got, but it seemed fairly balls deep. He went off on Kaitlyn for being shallow, being classless and not liking him. I mean, did he mention he went to Princeton? That’s a hell of an ad for Princeton, right?

Let’s break this idiot down. He says he is too good for this show, but he’s on the show. He is in no way desperate for women, but he put his life down to go on a dating show. He went to Princeton, but he’s not clever enough to resist the producers prodding him to demand being the next Bachelor. He’s more cerebral than all of us, but he ends his sign off with him needing to get some sex. Exactly what Kaitlyn wasn’t supposed to do.

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Naturally, to be the Bachelorette, you need to be a little more insecure than most of us and so Kaitlyn starts to spin a little bit, but it doesn’t stop her from throwing out so perfectly usable Ahi Kuna and whoever else.

As quickly as they are gone, she’s turnt for DUBLIN, IRELAND. No one more than Nick, who gave me 1.5 hours of television that went a long way to explaining any potential future diagnosis of being sterile. This guy is a virus on society. They need to get him help. We’ll get there in a minute.

Nick is just the most grateful dude to be out of his job again for a moment and on TV again. He needed another 15 minutes of fame. He is, to me, like a friend of a friend’s toddler who gets brought to dinner one night and you are all ready to leave and he’s like 15 minutes more. More. MOAR.

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And it’s not the worst thing in the world. You like kids. I mean, it’d be better if this was your friend’s kid, not your friend of a friend who you didn’t REALLY want to come, but look, being judgy sucks. You can put up with this toddler. You might have a toddler someday and you’d want other people to put up with them. Only then you realize fuck that. I’M READING THE ROOM™. No one cares about my kid. I don’t care about yours. I’m leaving because the parking meter is running out and I’m losing my buzz and frankly, when I have a toddler, I’m putting them in a belltower and turning them into a fairy tale character. I’ll even name them Aesop (the storyteller, not the fantastic skin care line for men and women). My wife just closed the browser.

But Nick’s still here. He’s got 7.6 minutes left. Just ask him.

Here’s the deal with Nick, because that’s all this episode really was. It was a Nicksplosion that made me feel dirty. Before we can understand Nick, understand this. He looks like Peter MacNicol. More than Peter MacNicol does even. Prepare to never look at him the same way again. (you will have to look at him again because I’d bet all the farm land in Iowa that he’s on Paradise).

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Look away. I dare you. Put him in a tight blazer with an unnecessary bepsoke flower lapel he stole from an off-Williamsburg production of the Music Man and it’s MacNicol. All he needs is a creepy painting to worship.

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He stares at the producers the whole time like there are cue cards and he hits on girls in the lowest form there is. There’s all kinds of dudes, but this dude is the kind I hate the most. He’s the standard overbearing dude who cleans up for a hot second because a lot of girls are used to mixed messages. He rolls in, says I AM INTO YOU, YOU MAKE ME LOSE CONTROL and then just kisses you and avoids saying anything else. Anyone read Gone Girl?

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Wow, they even shop at the same library in Nantucket.

Dude, maybe the producers cut every real line out and I recognize how frusterating it must be to be on this show without final cut. But same time, I know Peter MacNicol when I see him.

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So, there was only one way Nick was going to be about this and Kaitlyn is insecure enough to fall for it. It makes me sad because I don’t think she’s a bad person. It makes me sad there’s pretty girls in the world that just want a dude to be clear with them. Nick can come in like the Peter MacNicol version of a romantic comedy, rip off Arie’s wall kiss deal and make it work. We all want to be wanted. But at what cost.

So when the date went, well I don’t know, they made out in front of an old Irish man just trying to drink which to me is more disrespectful than farting in church, because old Irish dudes trying to get drunk at noon in Dublin are the angels of my religious beliefs.

They get back and Nick is like:

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And they have sex.

And here’s where the narrative is going to deviate because what really pisses me off is how many people are going to slut shame Kaitlyn for this.

And they shouldn’t. It’s the worst thing just about that goes on with this show (beyond the fear of diversity).

She had every right to do what she wanted, I respect her for being honest and not hiding from what probably always goes down on the show. There’s nothing “slutty” about having sex on a date. Look in the mirror, Murica.

That said, she ain’t too clever. It’s the choice of who. It’s the falling for a man who brought back a dead warlord in a painting back from the dead by attempting to sacrificing Sigourney Weaver’s baby and causing a river of evil slime to take over New York.

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The fact that disturbed me the most is how in the morning (you bastard bearer of regret!), Kaitlyn is worried Nick is going to tell all the dudes about what she did. She was just saying she trusted him. If you think the dude you are with is going to gossip to a bunch of dudes who hate him about something that will likely make them hate you, YOU DON’T TRUST HIM.

It’s nice to feel wanted. That’s why that geneticist created Labradoodles.

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The next date is at the Guiness plant and Creepin’ Hawke does great and gets a rose. But Gosleech freaks out. And now he’s heading to confront Kaitlyn in what has been a 13 part 6 episode season. I feel like I’m on mushrooms.

Let’s get this moving.

 

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15 Comments

Filed under Bachelor/Bachelorette

15 Responses to BachCapette Six: Oops.

  1. Melissa

    I would give almost anything to see what your Google Images search history looks like.

    This show needs to do one of two things: GET ANOTHER GOD DAMN HELICOPTER RIDE SO WE CAN ALL BELIEVE IN LOVE AGAIN, or end a show with an actual rose ceremony.

  2. Julie

    Nothing about Dolores O’Riordan singing at Creepin’ Hawke and Kaitlyn from like a foot away while they make out? Now THAT’s creepy.

  3. Sidney_b

    “That’s why geneticists created labradoodles” hahahaaaaaaaa

  4. Best recap, seriously. You just rule, dude.

  5. Jackie

    The Peter Macnicol pictures are killing me! One of your best recaps ever.

  6. Corey

    *Frustrating…Although the bourbon it must take to watch this disgrace of a season would easily make me misspell 9th grade vocabulary.

    • admin

      If you read this you know I have never read a post back before posting. This is my safe zone. I miss Pell werdz at wyll

  7. It’s so hard to watch Kaitlyn fall for Nick’s text book jerk moves and phrases, “I want to know every party of you.”

    Ian definitely didn’t learn about humility at Princeton. He had his ego bruised and decided to come out swinging to make himself feel better.

    SPOT ON recap!

  8. Lauren

    THANK YOU sincerely thank you for mentioning that old guy sitting RIGHT THERE in the bar while they made out. That was the worst. Also? Did he sign something because his face was all up on national TV. I hope he signed something. That would make it so much better.

  9. Big Deezy

    Oh wow Peter Macninol. You just made his IMDB score rise 50%. Hilarious through and through. But you did miss the the possible use of this gem:
    http://i.imgur.com/p07swP6.gif

  10. Maggie

    I’m totally with you on the fact that Kaitlyn has nothing to be ashamed of for having sex with a guy she’s dating. Leading up to this episode, I didn’t have any problem with her sleeping with Nick for any reason. But then as I was watching that scene, it occurred to me how creepy it would be to kiss a guy with a whole room of production people standing around. I still don’t judge her, but I can’t imagine being in the mood for sex with a bunch of camera and sound guys standing right on the other side of the door.

  11. Rebecca

    You nailed the Peter MacNicol out of this episode. I had been racking my brain for who Nick reminded me of…Thank you so much !! This one goes into my top 5 favorites list – all yours – of Bach recaps. You rule.

  12. Nikki

    Anyone else confused about how Kaitlyn is deathly afraid of birds, yet she has bird tattoos? WHY?!??!?

  13. Mary

    Does anyone else think it is odd that Kaitlyn is terrified of birds and yet has two bird tattoos on her arms!!????

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