BachCapette Cinco: San Anbronio

We start at the end. Only it’s not like this is Memento or a wonderfully flawed time-travel movie, it just seems like half way thru editing each episode they can’t decide if this is THE MOST™ dramatic episode of the Bachelorette ever or if they should rip a few more tubes and just finished cutting the episode at the last minute. “Bruh, this stuff is sticky and it kind of makes me think we should skip the rose ceremony AGAIN and talk about Kaitlyn and how she looks like an animated starfish.”

The thing is. This is no joke. Chris Harrison did not even show up this episode. I’d like to believe he just took the helicopter from last week and went down Mexico way to mule some horse, but in reality, IS HE TRAPPED IN TIME/SPACE?

Time+travel_3da5cd_4095903

So we kicked off the meat of this episode with a sausage party back at the hotel. Fuzzy Nick was rolling in wearing his fake windbreaker (windfaker™?) and the dudes are sitting around like:

tumblr_lvluhwSEVw1qzzjri

I mean, is there anything more sad than Nick? He says it in his patented YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND TRAPPED IN THE BODY OF A MAN™ way. He was bored as hell in Chicago and he was willing to cutesy text with a gullible Canadian for several WHOLE MONTHS™ to get back on TV in the hopes to rid himself of the awful feeling of being the guy who got BEAT UP™ in high school and also PROBABLY NOW™ too.

He is willing to come into a room with a bunch of meatheads glaring at him arranged in some formation that was the direct center between a congressional hearing and the last supper.

Then, he is forced to answer questions so specific, you’d think they all were bloggers themselves. I mean, hell. I have to read another recap while writing this to even remember what happened that wasn’t a helicopter. They were all like “in episode eight of Andi’s year when you were looking out the window with your hair looking like a troll doll with a new job interview hair cut, why’d you say Prague was a romantic city, huh brah?”

558372328_o

 

Wow. I mean, I pay (some) attention (attentionesque™) to this show for PURE ADULATION™ from you people. I know I need constant praise or I will die. I’m like Superman (or Wall-E) to the sun with my ego. I admit that.

chargingwa_6cvszye9

Nick just needs to be back on TV because life doesn’t matter if you aren’t on TV. That is sad. This play to be the next Bachelor or to just get a ride on Bachelor in Paradise. Sigh. It makes me feel awful. Nick? He’s like:

tumblr_mxg34v3dZr1s9816mo1_500

Nick’s responses were the basic bitch kind. She’s a cool chick. Oh yeah? Does she like dope music? Is this club going up? Is it Tuesday?

Hey Nick. Go home and put on some clothes.

685571

 

So, in assbackwardsland™ we head to the rose ceremony and Chris Harrison hides from space and time. This ceremony is at Citi Field, home of the NY Mets, who I grew up a fan of before I moved to LA and found the Dodgers like Scientologists find thetans.

I don’t know why they are there. I do know that Gosleech is pissed that he’s not the only Gosleech for her. I know Longbottom carried her around the bases, which will probably be one of the last happy memories he has before the producers let him go home. In the end, without Clint, he’s lost.

Death Cab for Douchie got sent home and some other people I forget. All I know is it looked really, really cold. So cold this became an indoor date. I can’t imagine the “luxury suite in Queens” date was the intention.

Nick looked so sad when they told him the “warm” date was San Antonio. He was hoping for something tropical. DUDE. YOU WENT TO VENICE AND THEY ALL SAW YOUR LEATHER JACKET LAST YEAR. Let it go.

The date is a two step dance contest and Leave It To Beaver is the date. He’s kind of boring. He’s nice. He’s good looking. He’s going to end up losing for being a good guy. Him and Dan Captain America should start a start up of dudes you go to once you are done getting kicked around by confusing, sexually ambiguous guys like Nick.

He blew her expectations out of the water. What that means, I don’t know. Her expectations are amphibious.

giphy-1

The next date was a mariachi date. The kid who comes out in the beginning was the man. The rest of the show was an exercise in patented BACHELORACISM™.

It’s not so much that exploiting mariachi singers is racist, it’s the way dudes from places like Kuna handle this. It always ends up a bad Speedy Gonzalez impression. I’m from LA. This stuff isn’t exotic. It’s home.  AND WHEN YOU SING LIKE THAT IT RUINS MY CULTURAL MEMORIES LIKE THIS GUY DID TO THE PEOPLE ON PANDORA:

F3z6Z

Fuck that guy.

Princeton Guy got a little intense in his studying and then flopped like a Spanish soccer player. Nick won by being Nick, and going up with Canada to a balcony to sing and dance for the cameras and Katilyn happened to be there too.

It got weird that night when Ahi Kuna decided by way of grain alcohol and sadistic producers to let Kaitlyn shave half of his head. Sweet. He then decided to throw Nick under the bus which led to another GUYS I WANT YOU ALL TO LIKE NICK LIKE I DO speech and I tried to commit bloggercide by chewing on the batteries in my tv remote. Didn’t work.

The dudes all said whatever bro, go home, you’re drunk. Poor Ahi Kuna. He kept it real but didn’t realize you DON’T DO THIS…

Unless you are a Gosleech, who did the same thing and got a 1:1 date.

The Gosleech date was fine. They kayaked and he told her he was in a crazy car accident that missed all his Gosling features. He seems alright. He said he’s falling in love with her and she reciprocated. Appreciate the honesty.

But to keep score.

You can’t talk shit about Nick. Unless you vaguely look like Ryan Gosling. In which case, I love you.

In the tradition of no rose ceremonies, we were treated to some genuine weirdness with Princeton, who is the TOTAL PACKAGE™ – or just a total tool. I liked this guy, but somehow he went rogue and just listed off that he’s perfect, went to Princeton, girls love him, he should be the Bachelor.

At this point, unless he and Nick start hooking up, I’m bored. But he decides to call Kaitlyn a floozy and she doesn’t like it because he doesn’t vaguely look like Ryan Gosling. Or isn’t Nick.

Maybe Chris Harrison can return from space and sort it out.

Untitled-1

CLICK HERE TO JOIN ME ON FACEBOOK

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BECAUSE I TWEET PROFESSIONALLY

I’M ON INSTAGRAM @ZACKJEROME

8 Comments

Filed under Bachelor/Bachelorette

8 Responses to BachCapette Cinco: San Anbronio

  1. Maggie

    Soooooooo good. You’ve quickly become my favorite B-ette recapper

  2. Greg Bert

    Can’t wait for some SC stuff! Enough of this stupid show.

  3. Reading your blog is my favorite part of the show. Once again I laughed out loud several times., especially how you wrapped it all up. Thanks for that!

  4. SK

    This season is so weird, with all the competition/humiliation based ‘group dates’ that are not even dates and shitty locations… What happened to the exotic locations around the world with helicopters and all?? We do Bach viewing parties almost every week but it’s sad when the ‘before’ & ‘after’ party is more fun than viewing the actual show…? This season sucks a$$, I don’t even know how you get through the recaps (which are always awesome, regardless)
    I hope you recap the Bach in Paradise cause that’s gonna be waaay more fun than this sh*tty season!!

  5. Becky Boo

    I live for these recaps. I actually visit Twitter just to see when you’ll post. Please, never stop. You’re actually the reason I even watch this damn show, just to know what you’re talking about. Mad praise. *bows down*

  6. Hilarious recap, I love how your mind works! I glimpsed the host in a winter coat announcing the always evident, “Gentlemen, final rose.” Because it’s so hard to count to one. Even a horse can do that I think.

  7. Rebecca

    “Nick won by being Nick, and going up with Canada to a balcony to sing and dance for the cameras and Kaitlyn happened to be there too” is the PERFECT summation of who Nick is, and why it’s so insanely annoying to have to endure him once again., this season. I can’t decide if it’s his hipsteressence that grates on me so badly, or his ridiculous cockiness. And now, from what I’ve seen on Twitter, Kaitlyn supposedly sleeps with this tiny dude, instead of one of the other, (seemingly) genuine guys, who look like adult men.
    I don’t give a damn how many guys she has sex with, it’s her choice of partner that’s questionable. Meanwhile, Nick’s batting 1000, on Bachelorettes anyway…first, Andi, and now Kaitlyn. I guarantee you this guy has NEVER managed to sleep with two such attractive women, EVER before. No wonder he views this show, and TV air time in general, as essential to his existence. If I were one of the remaining guys, some of who are apparently taking their relationships with Kaitlyn seriously, the insult of Nick in her bed would just be too much for me. NOT because she had sex, but because she had sex with Nick. Her choices would forever be suspect to me. Wonder if Nick will subsequently slut-shame Kaitlyn for “making love”with him, and then not choosing him, at the after show.

  8. Sheila M

    Always love your recaps — couldn’t stand to watch the show without them! So many of your lines made me LOL, but I especially liked the one about committing bloggercide. Keep up the amazing work!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *