BachCapette 4: Nick’s Fuzzy Haired Return

For a show that has no problem having random “most dramatic two night co-premiere in Bachelor history” events, they somehow cannot fit a rose ceremony into an episode. Is there some wild insights team mandating every episode end like a chapter from a tween novel?

Clint told her that he loved her, but he had a secret she didn’t know. He didn’t love anything. All he cared about was his horrible, horrible secret…

Hey, take it easy Twilight Toes. STOP. Or STAHP.

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So, Kaitlyn picks up where she left off, blindly listening to a bunch of strangers she’s made out with. She takes Bill MAAHAHRHRR to task for something, probably being a liar and all of that. He seems confident he won’t get burned alive like a sick child on Game of Thrones (too soon?)

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The beginning of Kaitlyn’s killing off of Clint was no big shock, the sentiment the Clint was sad to leave Neville Longbottom was obvious, but the details of Clint’s exit? NEWSFLASH™.

Possibly realizing he could get caught sleeping with the enemy, Longbottom decides he’s GOING ROGUE™. He decides that guess what – Clint needs to apologize for wasting everyone’s time. I mean, who involved with this show doesn’t. But specifically, his best friend ever on earth, his Bronies Bro, needs to apologize. Clint was in shock. He’d expect this from a girl he was tryna date. But from his one true someone?

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Clint and Longbottom have a very odd, very “are-they-gonna-makeout” argument that covers a lot of things including fashion – specifically – the super masculine “your tie and shirt don’t match” argument – which I agreed with. When Longbottom tried to get his ex-husband back, Clint peaced out leaving his former friend to cry REAL TEARS™ without so much as a chance to say goodbye.

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No rose ceremony. Just a trip to New York City, home of salsas not made by Pace.

The first date was a rap battle with Doug E. Fresh who we were all stoked to see was still alive. There was nothing worse than watching these guys not be able to come anywhere near riding a flow. The good news is that if we needed further confirmation that Bojack Horseman is not even close to Gosling, he was the worst rapper ever and hid behind “I like Jason Aldean” as an excuse. Jason Aldean probably can freestyle. Garth Brooks and the guy Garth Brooks pretended to be for a while can freestyle. I mean, it’s a conversation about rhythm. Fucking elementary school teachers who write dope rhyming posterboards for their classrooms probably have some flow.

Don’t fucking hide behind Jason Aldean.

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Don’t hide behind his dad body. Don’t hide behind his hideous mix of motorcycle couture and puka shell necklaces. Don’t hide behind his pirate hoop earring, bro. You can’t even hide behind his straw cowboy hats OR his leather ones. YOU CAN SETTLE FOR A ONE NIGHT RODEO, Bojack.

This blog. It just made me learn about Jason Aldean. STOP READING PLEASE SO MY EGO LET’S ME WALK AWAY.

In other news, a reader pointed out that it’s not Bojack Horsemen that this Gosling Leech (Gosleech? GOSLEECHING™?) . It might be Alf:

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At the “battle” that was won by no one, not even the viewers, Nick from Andi’s season was planted in the crowd. Apparently he’s been moonlighting as SEXT OFFENDER™ with Kaitlyn. I can only imagine the endless string of “I wish I wuz on ur season” and “shud we do bach in paradise 2gether?” texts this PONZI™ sent her. And guess what? It works on Canadians. Hide your circular bacon.

Anyway, Nick tries to worm his way onto the show and Kaitlyn is freakishly into him. His hair looks like that weird cashmere sweater your 2nd favorite grandma work. As Michael Cera said in blog favorite “Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist” – “I asked for the Ellen Degeneres cut” – which isn’t even accurate now because Ellen’s hair game is on fleek now. Nick has 1997 Ellen hair.

I don’t think Nick actually likes this girl. I think he realized life was more fun being talked about in the public eye than ridiculed in private life, which is what I am sure happens to the kind of guy that calls a girl out for sleeping with him on TV after being dumped, stalks her, and says the words “make love” in 2015 in public.

But he’s here, the dudes are ANGRY and Kaitlyn doesn’t care because he has really, really tight windbreaker jackets that break no wind because he unbuttons them basically all the way. The only wind this dude breaks are lonely farts.

Even LONELY FARTS™ don’t stop Kaitlyn from making out with him and giving him the kind of look that clearly explains “I’m not listening, I’m just accepting that you love me and we’re perfect” or in other words – GIRL DATING LOGIC™.

The dudes are all kind of dejected. Alf is thinking about eating a cat. It’s not going well. A rose gets handed out and even the dudes know it’s BS.

There was a one:one date with Creepin’ Hawke who combed his hair, but failed to fully stop the hair virus from spreading across his “beard-like area” – either way, compared to Nick, this guy is the coolest. They go to Met. Kaitlyn is amazed she could like anyone that isn’t Nick, proving again why she’s still single. In ultimate GIRL FASHION™, Kaitlyn asks Creepin’ Hawke about what he thinks about Nick. Kudos to him for being like I DON’T YO.

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Then… They went outside… And…

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HELICOPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you KNOW they made out because they were in a magical air robot that makes dreams come true. Obviously.

HELICOPTER GETS THE ROSE.

The other group date was a Disney cross promo for Aladdin the musical which is still too soon for me with Robin Williams, but whatever, it’s a whole new world. See what I did there? My wife just closed the browser.

They had to audition to just walk through the background of some shot because despite being a singer and rapper, Kaitlyn is Canadian. Ottawa’s Broadway isn’t NYC’s. Fiddler on the Moose didn’t win the Tonys people expected it to. Or Molson of the Opera.

Ivy Leaguer proved the show’s racism in a way LL Tool J never could. He came out, sang incredibly well in a shockingly humble way. Did he win? Nope. Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka won, but that was the producer’s wishes to see him in costume coming true. The did is so, so scary. If you are his dental patient, how do you feel about things now? Tooth not hurting as much anymore, is it?

We got to see MESA VERDE™ do a little hairstyling and dish out some advice. This was just so we’re turnt for Bach in Paradise. I am. Why not. At least that show is honest. We aren’t looking for “winners” – we want everyone to lose.

Again, we got no rose ceremony, just the arrival of Nick, who we’re all going to continue to hate because he is the worst kind of bachelor contestant. The kind that won’t let go.

 

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22 Comments

Filed under Bachelor/Bachelorette

22 Responses to BachCapette 4: Nick’s Fuzzy Haired Return

  1. Erin

    One of your best bachcaps ever! Love the Jason Alden and the “lonely fart.”

  2. Katie

    I didn’t even watch Monday’s episode and I didn’t even need to. Glad you got your helicopter!

  3. NoSignifying

    New York City, home of salsas not made by Pace. Nobody under 25 will get it, but it doesn’t matter. “Get a rope”

  4. Marsha

    Alf is thinking about eating a cat.

    oh and I love me some Cool As Ice.

  5. Alex

    Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka is also a Jim Carrey’s The Mask look-alike. Frightening!

  6. ElRaeRae

    This is a great. COPTERS. CAN YOU PLEASE MAKE A PODCAST HAPPEN WITH POSSESSTIONISTA!? #BreakTheInternet

  7. Maggie

    This recap is amazing. Site bookmarked.

  8. HELICOPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    And you KNOW they made out because they were in a magical air robot that makes dreams come true. Obviously.

    HELICOPTER GETS THE ROSE

    This as well as many other sentences ( turnt for Bach in Paradise) in this recap made me laugh really hard out loud. Well done.

  9. Tommy Stefanek

    This statement wins: Ottawa’s Broadway isn’t NYC’s. Fiddler on the Moose didn’t win the Tonys people expected it to. Or Molson of the Opera.

  10. WWBFD What would bear fighter do

    I’m very curious to hear what you would do if you were one of these guys with nick coming in? Obviously we are living in an alternate universe where you are actually the type of person that goes on this show to date someone that eats circular bacon… but try to imagine… HELICOPTER out or stick around and make his life a living hell?

    • admin

      depends how in I am with her. if i was really in, i’d make a stand and just be like nope. but i think really nick is an easy guy to character assassinate. I’d make her realize he’s a girl in a man’s body (kinda) and let him tank himself. Remind her he lost.

  11. Lonely Farts FTW

    “The only wind this dude breaks are lonely farts.”

    So much yes!

  12. rose

    Nothing to do with anything but Ryan B. (http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelorette/cast/11-bachelor-ryan-b) looks like Valentine from the recently canceled “Backstrom”: http://m.imdb.com/name/nm0215281/mediaindex?rmconst=rm3897806336&ref_=m_nmmi_mi_nm_sf_4. Uncanny.

  13. AR

    Solid Cool as Ice reference.

  14. Mel

    Damn! Firing on all cylinders – kudos.

    I am currently debating on whether I should hate myself a little because every episode I hear my heart beating a little louder with nervousness hoping that TODAY will be the day a magical machine will fly in the sky, reaffirming my faith of why I watch this drakkar noir massacre every week.

  15. Smashley

    Have you ever seen Laguna Beach or the Hills???

    NICK = SPENCER

    #hate

  16. MJ

    Joe Bailey’s Disney Doppelganger = Wreck it Ralph.

  17. Lisa

    jumping up and down “like” ing this Bachcap!! With a big foam thumbs up “like” waving to you. F’ing hilarious! I stopped watching it but now you’ve dragged me back in. Thank you…thank you very much.

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