BachCapette THREE: Sumo Booty Blurs

Big week for Caitlyn, amirite?

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You never expect the Muppets.

I digress. BachCap?

So, maybe it’s the bourbon talking. No it’s not. Bourbon can’t talk or I’d have another best friend.

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But enough about me. This episode jumped the shark. Not saying in a bad way. But, there was this shark and the episode definitely jumped way the hell over it.

Shark

I want to underscore the fact it’s now been a whole season without us having a damn rose ceremony during the same episode as the dates. Everything is to be continued, except this series unless they respect format. For a show that GOES CLEAR™ making you TRUST THE PROCESS™, they sure are doing everything in their power to not FOLLOW PROTOCOL™ or show me HELICOPTERS™.

That said, I enjoyed the hell out of this episode. Like David Letterman said when he saw Future Islands, “I’ll take all of that you got!”

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Kupah left. We covered it last week. He wanted to stay. He took his drink with him. Adios.

The first date was that perfect blend of barely veiled racism and cultural exploitation as the “heaviest Japanese person ever” and a champion sumo wrestler showed up to teach the dudes at the house how to fight in the ancient style of half-naked shoving.

In fairness, plenty of these dudes were in frats and speaking honestly, half-naked shoving is not just for sumo. Roll in at 3am on a Thursday to a frat when there’s one box of pizza bagels left in the industrial freezer and five dudes with midterms the next day.

SUMO!

While I legit belive Knoxville had a ball hanging out the entire time, can we just admit the special effects team went a little slap happy with the blurs? I mean, unless everyone on the show was an adult performer, we’re good with a wide angle.

In the end, this date was about Bill MARHAHRHHRHR proving he was a high school wrestler and just flipping dudes and it was also about Going Clear having a brief moment of rage followed by twelve full hours of hating himself for “showing aggression.”

I hated him for doing this so much:

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Ug. I didn’t even like posting that gif. It was a long segment.

He said some pretty amazing stuff about going to the zoo and that he had a child’s mind, a warrior’s heart and the soul of a gypsy. Who doesn’t bro. Stop being basic. We all have a warrior’s heart. We live in ‘Murica. Land of the Warrior Heart. Don’t front like you’re special. I don’t even order in restaurants. I walk in an pierce the server with my ice blue eyes and they innately know I have a warrior’s heart and in turn, they give me the finest meats and cheeses because they know I got the soul of a gypsy. I got an iPad and a cell phone too.

Meanwhile, someone actually went to Universal CityWalk and we got to see those exact people who are there midday and willing to stand in an outdoor mall watching non-celebs sumo fight. I did enjoy seeing Oh Canada fight and get twirled around.

After that I had no fucks to spare and ignored the rest of this date, especially the out of work actor who acted as the ring announcer who probably went home and told all his friends he “booked a pilot with ABC” – after 17 years living in LA, that stuff makes me cry. Like My Girl. MACUALAY WHY!?!?

My wife just closed the browser.

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In the end Bojack Horseman won by showing BARE MINIMUM COURTESY™ to Oh Canada when Bill MARHAHREHHR decided just to go rogue and not give a shit. Actually, let’s jump ahead to him and Neville Dongbottom’s bromance.

Look, I love how much Clint embraced being an asshole and the bromance metaphor. So much of that was clown shoes faker, but it was well crafted. With the right amount of whiskey and a bright colored pair of Chubbies, two really close guy friends aren’t much different than a really good couple.

Neville and MARHREHE made it hilarious for all of us at home, but not so much for Caitlyn I’m sure. Clint is becoming the WWE Champion of this show, and it’s not a surprise, he’s a wrestler.

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The next date is is a 1:1 with Captain America, who may be a little boring, but I am positive is the only dude I’d roll with. He’d make sure you got in a cab if you blacked out at a bar. He’d get the stage five clinger away from you if you were under attack. Ben is a homie and if Caitlin doesn’t marry him she’s risking getting kicked in the face by Bojack.

Their date is in some creepy warehouse that’s basically the film Saw. Ben says he wonders “what Chris Harrison is capable of” and the answer is ANYTHING™. Honestly, this date was the first time I think we got to see what the show would be like if he had free reign.

Let’s just be clear, this is a pretty fucked up extreme date by any standard. I’d like to think I have WHAT IT TAKES™ but I doubt I’d be super stoked to grab a clue in a puke-filled toilet wrapped with live snakes.

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They eventually get out of Jigsaw Harrison’s fever dream, make out a little and she calls him a MAN SODA™ to which I asked my wife if I was one of those. RESULTS INCONCLUSIVE™.

If anything, I’m more like Chris Harrison. Especially with my A+ suit game. Also I’m so tall. My wife disagrees citing I’m average height. I’m like:

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Captain America gets the rose. In a hot tub. But I don’t think there is sparks. He’s gonna be gutted in a fantasy suite. Just have that feeling.

Final date was teaching sex ed to elementary school kids. In the spirit of the constant shark jumping in this episode, let’s get real. These kids were actors. Some of them were probably like 24. They were the kids Chris Hanson used to catfish bad peeps on To Catch A Predator. I mean, they are at Pinecrest Elementary in the valley, which is where child actors come from. It’s also in a part of town that looks like a man leaping to his death to avoid watching this fake ass date:

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I mean, let’s pretend this is real for half a second. Can you imagine the PTA note? We want a bunch of dudes that are trying to get laid to explain sex with visual aids to your kids. NOPE. Also, how weird is it that words like intercourse and ejaculate get bleeped out? I am lost.

Anyway, Leave It To Beaver (for so many reasons now) wins by being pretty good at explaining sex to young actors and being generally likeable.

Of course, we don’t get a rose ceremony because Clint has to go all super-enemy again and the house turns on him. We end with Caitlyn prepping to confront him.

Whatever. We need a rose ceremony and a helicopter already. But I did have fun. THANKS.

Travelling on bidness next week to NYC so might be a day late on the post. Maybe not. Check twitter. Links below.

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6 Comments

Filed under Bachelor/Bachelorette

6 Responses to BachCapette THREE: Sumo Booty Blurs

  1. Joan Pugh

    I still use “you never expect the muppets” regularly and no one gets it. Thank you for using it in this post!

  2. SK

    I was totally disgusted with the sex ed segment – those kids were way too young. I don’t understand why people think that ‘child actors’ are somehow not real children and therefore ok to be subjected to completely inappropriate stuff…?
    I feel sorry for these kids cause I’m sure we’ve met their parents a few years back in the Bruno movie:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsPcCzSxaUM
    Most of these kids barely ever get a part, and it’s not like they are pros when it comes to being exposed to adult language. That was beyond gross to watch!

  3. Thank you for clarifying which elementary school they were at…I don’t like it when they test my knowledge of the Conejo.

  4. Ashley

    Just for anyone wondering I’m pretty sure Kaityln actually referred to the kids as child actors. So I thought it was a prank but then she never told the guys they are actors… So I dunno man

  5. Melissa

    I didn’t even see Going Clear after he out on the matching camouflage hat and sweatshirt. Judging by his bag is say he’s a homeless warrior.

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