BachCap Finale: Nothing Corn Can Stay

It’s hard to write about this traditionally at all. This episode was not funny. It was not a bad episode either. Bear with me. Bachelorette will be easy to pick apart, like a Whole Foods rotisserie chicken once it’s cooled. This one, not as much. Think of it as a see you later. Not a goodbye.

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The battlefield was set. We had a woman on a mission to find a man and a family. And a woman who was a on a mission to barely be able to move her facial muscles.

Fertility Nurse has developed into the most deserving human ever to compete on this show. The only thing that would make your root for her was if she saved a puppy from a burning building after stepping off a plane from serving in Iraq.

She rolled into Iowa in a flannel dress that said conservative on top, party on the bottom. It was the mullet of farmland couture.

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This couldn’t have gone any better. She was on a mission. She could have been a White House press secretary. She was on point. I need parents. I’m crying at dinner. YOU ARE CRYING AT DINNER. The kids started crying and they didn’t even know why yet. The eight zombies in downtown Arlington started crying blood. It rained. Someone found an image of Jesus’s face in a loaf of bread and started a museum and got on Good Morning America.

That’s how on point she was. America was like:

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You get to a point where you need her to win. If she doesn’t win, this is a woman with no parents going back to Chicago to help other people start families after being dumped on national television in a barn.

Like, that shit is colder than an Iowa summer. She is from the land of bourbon and baseball bats by way of one of America’s best cities.

His family is totes mutual. They basically feel that if the other girl isn’t the offspring of Ronald Reagan and Princess Di, she’s a bad decision.

His brothers make a rational case. His sisters do. And they are rational people who live in Chicago FOR SURE. Still, Chris is like:

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He has a thing for Becca Botox and he can’t shake it. He can’t shake it because he is being “dickhead guy’d” and as a man, he is not used to it. Ladies out there, this is what it looks like in reverse when a guy is “super down to hang” and knows “you have a great thing” but is not ready to do “anything normal people in love do” because he “doesn’t know what love is”.

Yeah.

If you think about it, every time Becca and he talk, it’s like this:

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I’m not calling it a ponzi, but I’m being serious when I say that she’s in San Diego enjoying her veneers and inability to wrinkle or show emotion due to bacterial face injections and not figuring out how to be in love. She is in a town of marines. I KNOW THIS GIRL BECAUSE I KNOW THIS GUY.

Actually, most of the girls I have come across that were like this are still single and getting older. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Marriage isn’t a right of passage or a thing to do. It’s about what you want from your life. If you don’t want those things, that’s totally cool. But unless you want-want them, it will always be easier to be like NAH. There’s never a convenient time to split your life down the middle and violently compromise forever. It’s awesome, but it ain’t for everyone.

IT IS FOR EVERY BACHELOR CONTESTANT THOUGH. So there’s THAT™.

Becca is just sort of vaguely floating along like the amoeba she puts in her face with needles. I’m serious, why doesn’t her face move?

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To be fair, Becca is nice and great looking. I just think she doesn’t move her face a lot. Not a requirement to be kind or beautiful. This sentence brought to you by Dove. My wife just closed the browser.

Becca did great with the family, but the real star is Chris’ mom. She’s a peach. She’s as real as the corn in their fields.

Chris goes to her hotel to beg her to love him and she won’t budge an inch. Chris wakes up and knows what he must do. He gets rid of Becca and proposes to the world’s most freaked out Fertility Mouse in a barn that is decorated like Morocco, like everything else on this show. MOROCCAN BARN CHIC™, NOT coming to a West Elm near you.

Let’s just cut to the big thing because it doesn’t matter. They are a great pair. Once Chris is eliminated from Dancing With The Stars in week one, he will go back to buying farms for a leading GOP land buyer. Yeah, he’s a farmer. But he’s really a land baron. Whitney and him will be happy. This was a great season in it’s own way.

What I need to know about now is the two Bachelorettes.

Instead of belaboring the point, I’ll instead say thanks for reading, sorry this one was short and not funny, blame ABC (but thank them as well) and when spring has sprung, I’ll see you on your Tuesday mornings and do my best to make you SPIT COFFEE ON YOUR KEYBOARD™ and make my lovely wife CLOSE THE BROWSER™.

It’s been the best. Have a good break until Bachelorette. I had the most fun in years this season. That’s all you guys. We’ll have some more fun soon. Thanks for always spreading this around.

Love, Z

I give you all my Seal of Approval™.

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11 Comments

Filed under Bachelor/Bachelorette

11 Responses to BachCap Finale: Nothing Corn Can Stay

  1. themajor

    Whew! Glad you’ll be back, and didn’t get burned out. After Andi’s season it seemed kinda up in the air. And its cool that this was short and not as funny, because they seem like nice people, and no real reason to hate on their genuine happiness. Way to keep it classy!!

  2. Katrina

    Thanks for great commentary this season! Always one of my favorite breaks to take during the work week.

  3. I didn’t notice Becca having a botox-like face. I thought she came off so much better than any second-place contestant ever.

    Will they be Chritney or Whis?

  4. MesaVerdeCocaineKing

    WHAT ABOUT THE WOMEN TELL ALL? The chemistry between Mesa Verde and Harrison leaped off the screen, I can’t believe this wasn’t the most salient takeaway point for everyone who watched the show

  5. Mel

    I used to lie awake at night after watching the Bachelor this season, wondering if my life has come to a complete halt of stupidity after a friend said it would be “fun” to watch this monstrosity. As I could feel the brain cells deteriorating slowly from my body, I sensed that there may be others to share this pain with. Then, one day, a friend sent me a link to BachCap, and thus my life forever changed. While I’ll never quite regain my full IQ again, my nights were suddenly filled with the hope that, after enduring each “amazing” comment, there would be…The BachCap in my future. Thank you.

  6. Kelsey

    Zack, you are the BEST! Thanks for another great season.

  7. Sheila

    Finally your wife got her own TM for closing the browser!! Great recap, you were right on the money.

  8. Rebecca

    A good, happy recap for a good, happy season. After Ashley I , Mesa Verde and Kelsey Poe departed, there was really nothin left to hate on, or make fun of this season. Even showerless Britt seemed pretty damn nice, if a tad dramatic, and there for her acting career. After The Botoxed Virgin refused to crack, and reveal a smidgen of emotion, I was actually happy for Farmer Chris. Whitney will make him happy, I think and she gets a family. Chris’s mom was awesome, I agree. I could watch her empathize with Whitney, and her sads, all night.

  9. E

    THE only reason to ever watch this show! Thanks for yet another great season!

  10. Pingback: Sexy avec une barbe ? Arrêtez de fumer ! | Le Déclic Anti Clope

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