BachCap 8: The Curse of Monkey Island

Hey Girl.

I know you know what time it is. Let’s not kid ourselves. We know what’s in that little envelope and you didn’t need a key. You just need to knock, girl. I know you’re coming. I got a bathtub x hot tub collaboration project in a private patio filled with tropical flowers. I have candles scented with the same scents that exist in the local flora. Girl, I’ve thought of everything. I even have a totally see through curtain we can close so the giant camera crew outside thinks we’re just wrestling. But we’re not wrestling, girl.

We’re in that fantasy suite. Thanks Chris Harrison. I’ll think about you, not golf, when I test drive one of three of the people that may be my wife.

And I really hope it’s you girl.

XOXO GOSSIP ZACK™

OK, that was fun. Hope you are sufficiently preheated. I know I am. Shwee BachCap? Cool.

We’re off for the FAHN TAH SEE SWEETS date in (well, on) Bali, which isn’t just a place Instagram models go, it’s actually a province and island just off Indonesia that also looks like a fish carrying a tiny briefcase and swimming over a pineapple:

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The first date was with O Canada and despite the required island date nuclear fallout spray tan, she was looking good. I mean, blue eyes really pop on orange colored humans:

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This was your standard issue be offensive to locals date except for the one killer add they had, having a farmer play with monkeys. Monkeys are the best. They are the helicopters of animals. They are not very far from humans and so I know these monkeys get the situation. They have opposable thumbs. They have little furry human faces.

What’s the point? They are jumping on Gigglepuss, they are pissing on his, they are doing some messed up shit to warn him. They have an opinion on who he marries and they are gonna let him know. A MONKEY WARNING™ is serious. It’s more serious than when your drunk friend takes you outside at a bar to have a meaningful conversation and it turns out it’s really an extended CIGARETTE BREAK™ and you are their LONELINESS SHIELD™.

O Canada doesn’t like monkeys and if that’s true HOW CAN SHE LIKE ARLINGTON. That was the gist of this episode. Arlington, to me, is like Hades. It’s the afterworld. Poor Gigglepuss is pretty insecure about his farm life. He needs answers.

Caitlin is worried about opening up (her heart, not her clothes, she’s ready for that part). She decides to go for it despite the humidity of Bali wreaking havoc on her Canadian highlighted hair. Everyone is sweating, even the monkeys who are so human, they’re just like “we know better than to wear clothes, just be in Bali, don’t be uptight.”

She’s falling in love. He’s falling in love. INTO THE FANTASY SUITE for CONTRACTUAL FORNICATION™. Seems like it all goes according to plan, save the fact it’s sweaty and they both probably smell horrible.

Fertility Mouse gets the second date and my main takeaway, besides her spray tan literally being a color MAC would describe as BRUISED PEACH™, is that she probably attends bar method. I mean it looks good. That said, I was personally turned off imagining how many bikinis she had to try on to get the meticulous look she wanted. I can hear her losing her cool at some Chicago clerk all “I make babies in test tubes, surely you can find something that makes it pop up there but doesn’t scream ‘I’m easy’.”

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Chris doesn’t seem as into her on the boat, but I’m realizing it’s again because he is scared of the winter cage he is asking these women to live in. He’s literally like – if you want a coffee, you gotta drive – if you want humans, you gotta drive – sometimes, even to drive – YOU GOTTA DRIVE.

Her concerns are the opposite. Did her sister kill her chances? Chris, being a reasonable smart dude, knows this is of no concern because if they got married, the forecast for Whitney’s sister visiting Arlington is cloudy with a chance of no-fucking-way.

Finally, the rubber meets the road (is that a fantasy suite pun? discuss in the comments) (also I’m talking about condoms. condoms) and Whitney says what every man thinks they want to hear which is “I will quit my job for the sole purpose of having and raising your children” – yeesh.

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I’m sure after that, the fantasy suite went well. Would be shocked if she didn’t “win” – depending on how you define victory.

Final date is Secret Virgin. They get along great, but let’s just cut to the chase. She’s just mad awkward. She’s not waiting until marriage. She’s waiting until middle school. She’s worried about telling him.

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I get that. Chris has had sex with over twenty kinds of farm animals and two other human women (with monkeys watching) and she’s got no idea what that means.

Eventually she comes clean and it’s totally fine, but internally she’s thinking tonight maybe is the night. I got pretty excited something good was going to happen, only it was a total bait-and-switch.

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We cut to the morning and she’s walking the beach, he’s longfully staring. Basically, she must have told him she isn’t totally in love, she isn’t sure about marriage and his child bride scenario is in jeopardy. He has no idea what to make of things and well, neither do we. It must have been really long and boring because it seems like a gaping plot hole (stop giggling) and yet they found a way to not turn it into a whole long thing worthy of a three night most dramatic special event episode of the Bachelor ever.

Real quick. ONE YACHT? NO HELICOPTERS? Come on. Also, that yacht looked in ill repair.

Anyway, rose ceremony happens and he takes Secret Virgin out and she says what she needs to say to get the rose. Now, Canada lost like the Maple Leafs.

She’s gonna be the new Bachelorette. Kinda feeling that way.

And why shouldn’t she be. She’s cute. She’s funny. She’s a pretty crier – minus the QUICK FROWNS™ that make it seem like an instantaneous bout of constipation.

We love you Caitlin. Good luck.

BACK TO IOWA FOR THE MOMENT OF TRUTH.

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11 Comments

Filed under Bachelor/Bachelorette

11 Responses to BachCap 8: The Curse of Monkey Island

  1. Tara

    Those first two paragraphs are everything. I think I peed a little from laughing. Sorry I’m not sorry!

  2. Kacy

    Seriously, seriously, seriously perfect. I now feel moved to take every town and draw an outline around it, even though none will be as funny as yours. So far my hometown is just shaped like a box.

  3. Joe Estrada

    CONTRACTUAL FORNICATION is classic

  4. CMK

    *Definitely not a fantasy suite pun – per the “tell all” book by certified wave fornicator Courtney, there are no rubbers in the fantasy suite

  5. Rebecca

    LOVE this recap! You nailed it (oops, damn Fantasy Suites). I have a tough time watching the Virgin because of her awkwardness. She’s okay during the date, for the most part, because she seems to make the Farmer laugh, and lighten up a little. But, she seems really boring. The kind of person where, after you go to her house for dinner, and she’s perfectly nice, you still aren’t sure if she likes you, or if she always looks like she smells something nasty. Really like Canadian Caitlin – she’s got Britt nudged out for The Bachelorette. Britt’s gonna have to settle for Bach In Paradise.

  6. Sheila

    Loving the map outlines! I think you should illustrate children’s books. Fish holding tiny briefcase is adorable – you could write a story about his world travels. Spot on, too, about Kaitlyn’s “quick frowns”.

  7. Lee

    Way to go kicking a Canadian when she’s down by bringing up the Maple Leafs! LOL
    Seriously, love your blog. And the map line drawings give a whole new meaning to geography.

  8. Tobias

    Where the rubber meets the road? More like where the combine meets the “field” that asked to be plowed “any day.”
    Poetic, no?

    And on that day the Harvester of Arlington did come to reap.
    And plow he did.
    And how that field did weep–broken and bare–in an airport-bound Balinese Scion.

  9. Pingback: 10 Completely Legitimate Reasons For Being A Runaway Bride or Groom | WebChutney

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