BachCap 4: I Feel Nothing

Before we get started, I caught a picture on BABYTEETH™’s (Andi Dorfman) Instagram feed that made me laugh out loud. Felt like I had to share.

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This picture had the caption: solace. Solace? I mean, sweet humble brag on matching your sweater to your fireplace and all, but solace has something to do with being alone and you clearly asked someone to take this picture of you so you could tell people you are alone (and presumably happy). I know you want to tell us you are okay being alone after Crap Leinart, but no one doubted that. You are some form of lawyer and he is a former sorority boy known for being born slightly before a mostly unknown NFL draftee.

We’re sure you will get over him. Solace or nah. Just put your chin up and go back to using your brain to make money. Your feed is that slippery slope forming. You are about one invite to a fake Bachelor red carpet away from starting a clothing line no one wants, a style blog no one reads, a work out company no one uses or some combination of the three. From there, there’s only rung lower and that’s continuing to give interviews about your born-again virginity.

Guys, this can all stop when you return to the private sector. Got plenty of evidence that exists. Just go back to the private sector. Andi, I know you can do it. Don’t get sucked in. If a lawyer can’t get out, then I have to admit this show is about SOUL MURDER™ and that’s going to make it hard for me to enjoy dinner tonight.

OK. BachCap?

Chris Harrison woke up 32 seconds before having to come into the chicken coop to let the ladies know that there’s a whole charcuterie board of variety dates this week and even MORE CRAY™ is the fact that Gigglepuss’ sisterwives are coming into town from their busy lives staring at their millions corn and help evaluate them.

Women judging women. What could go wrong?

So the first date is at Lake Piru, which I didn’t know exist and I lived in LA for the better part of two decades. Was convinced they were saying Pitz Palu and came close to watching Inglorious Basterds for that whole scene about Pitz Palu and Fassbender and Diane Kruger are just being awesome and then everyone kills each other. This date was worse than that.

I guess it’s near Lake Castaic 1/7 of the way north to Bakersfield. In basic terms, they could drink three bottles of cheap chardonnays in that time. That’s the new distance measurement. How far is it? Oh, it’s five bottles of Barefoot Chard in a limo away.

Lake Piru seems to be a lawless body of water. Kartrashian kicks off the batshit by deciding it’s time to free herself from her shyness (is she shy?) by upgrading from underboob to full toplessness for a swim. Not to be undone, Kaitlyn with her TWIN BIRDS™ tattoos (just nah) decides to go bottomsless, which I realized I may have never seen before. Like, that’s telling. Time to skinny dip. Pick a clothing item to remove first – PANTS™. Canada.

My favorite part was how the black box totes cheated on Flight Recorder to cover Twin Birds up. Saucy minx.

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Kelsey is NOT HAVING™ this date. She played the dead fiance card hard, but now it seems she’s just playing the EFF ALL THESE GIRLS AND ACTIVITIES™ card.

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Kelsey is mad that this lake is muddy and points out that she’s from Michigan where the lakes are amazing. Speaking from experience, this was the first time anyone ever admitted out loud they are FROM MICHIGAN™. Also, she’s living in Austin right now. Great town. But don’t be talking about muddy lakes.

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The only mud here is the mud you are slangin’ in Gigglepuss’ game. Even worse, when she finds out that they are camping she wigs out. I promise in high school she won MOST LIKELY TO CRY HYSTERICALLY IN THE CHECKOUT LINE AT SAFEWAY WHEN BUYING GUM TRIGGERS SOMETHING™. Mark it, dude.

MESA VERDE™ returns when the sun goes down. I’m cynical. I normally think these are actresses, but I don’t think the show can afford an actress good enough to fake this. Unless she is actually CATE BLANCHETT™ in prosthetic makeup, this is real. She asks Chris a bunch of epic things including “what are you” before sneaking in for a haunting kiss. Now she will have his scent and when she turns into a werewolf, he’s effing dead.

Twin Birds gets the rose. Convinced telling an adult you are a virgin is a turn on (it’s terrifying), Kartrashian needs to go rogue and tell Chris she’s never been sullied.

Real quick, why does she think this is a good thing? It can’t be because Mother of Kale told her. Like it was probably cool when we were young, but at the same time it’s the most responsibility, highest likelihood of stage five clinger spawning. Do you really want a guy that is turned on by virginity? That feels weird. It feels like it should be fairly secondary to things like “do I like you” and “are you attractive” and “will you murder me in my sleep” – she’s off brief.

There’s another fallacy in the whole virgin conquering. Would you be excited to ride in a car with someone who has never driven? How many doctors have you picked based on the fact they have never performed surgery before? Need your taxes done? You aren’t going to a 17 year old who might be good at math.

I’m not saying we need a PRO™, but who the hell is turned on by inexperience in this category. This means she is likely learning about what to do from porn, her friends’ exaggerated sex stories and possibly Disney films. Don’t believe me? She’s obsessed with being a princess and kisses like a Dyson AirBlade. But yeah, super turned on.

When she goes to confess all this drivel to Chris, she starts sounding like Dr. Evil and saying she’s friggin’ innocent and things like that, almost making me forget she took her shirt of on national television.

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Back at the house, the sisters show up during a pool party and they are here to interview the girls. Flight Recorder has her black box up and in full effect. They settle on Stilettos in Bed, who hasn’t talked much, but made her point at the pool party.

She gets a pretty amazing girl-crack date. She gets to be a part of ABC’s cross-promotional content piece for the upcoming major motion picture Cinderella starring that girl from Downton Abbey and an upbeat, blonde, not-with-Tim-Burton Helena Bonham Carter. Speaking of Downton, how fun would it be to have the Dowager Countess watch the show with you and toss put downs to these girls over their heads and then have a heart attack from being mortified… I think fun. Who’s having cava and jamon serrano?

Kartrashian’s struggle is real. She’s always been poorly parented into thinking she is actually the most deserving person to dress up like a princess (thanks dad) and starts wigging out as Jade and her blurred out back tattoo (what is it?!?!) get to try on Loubitons and expensive dresses that she GETS TO KEEP™. Kartrashian thinks this is a glitch in the Matrix. You are from NJ, you aren’t special and you aren’t a princess. Get with the new economy. It’s dog eat dog, bruh.

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Jade looks good on her fairytale date and she seems glad to be there, likely because she didn’t see Gigglepus air dancing like Neville Longbottom at Hogwarts.

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The date went well and Chris thinks she’s the girl next door, but like, she is The Girl Next Door:

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I wonder how the wholesome Iowan sisters would feel if they knew she came to LA and posed nude for a Playboy amateur site. I mean, it shouldn’t bother them, but in the end farm values may be conservative. Or not. I don’t know what goes on in the corn fields besides dead baseball players return because when Costner built it, they came.

The next group date is a mud run in which the girls are dressed in wedding gear. This proves to be ZERO PROBLEM™ for Flight Recorder who just books it like a vacation to Cabo (you basics). She is the first contestant to treat this competition for a man’s heart as an actual physical competition.

On Double Dare, she just cut Marc Summers off and was like PHYSICAL CHALLENGE™.

Here favorite song is I Wanna Get Physical by Olivia Newton John.

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The big bonus for winning this race was the one-on-one night date, which was a romantic dinner at my favorite hotel in San Francisco, the Fairmont (I always get the rose). Despite the romantic setting and despite the fact the Chris doesn’t normally mind listening, Flight Recorder was blowing it. It was some odd supplement fueled rage that made it really, really clear that Instagram is wrong: strong is not always the new sexy.

At one point she asked if Chris would rather have sex with a homeless woman with a bird in her hair or not have sex for five years. As crazy as this question is with basically a stranger, all Chris heard was this:

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NO ROSE FOR YOU. She maybe can handle CrossFit, but not her liquor. Adios.

The cocktail party was pretty uneventful for the most part. I did enjoy when Becca admitted she was a virgin too and Kartrashian immediately felt worthless and probably cried. The fact that Becca didn’t think it was so interesting makes me think she might just have abstained for normal reasons and thus she isn’t scary.

Bratzny tried to confront Chris about picking Twin Birds on the Date at Naked Lake, but it sort of backfires and he awkward storms out, randomly gives the IF ANY OF YOU DOUBT MY INTENTIONS Rick Flair talk to the girls, and then sends MESA VERDE home.

Highlight of the night was her exit in the credits where she told us I FEEL NOTHING™.

I’m getting there myself.

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10 Comments

Filed under Bachelor/Bachelorette

10 Responses to BachCap 4: I Feel Nothing

  1. Tina

    If Jade ends up moving to Iowa, will that make her a… Corn Star?

  2. Karen

    Thanks for clarifying that was Lake Piru—that’s basically in the middle of the Grapevine, which…maybe PureMichigan had a point there!

  3. I laughed too much at the Dr Evil comparison, how did you make that connection? It’s perfect.

    Also, the only reason to blur out a tattoo is if it’s a brand, so, any guesses?

  4. Speaking of the cross-promo

    I took one look at Prince Charming and said, “Dude, how did you survive the Lannisters turning you into Swiss cheese during the Red Wedding? You know, right before they slit your mom’s throat?”

    Oh, wait. Maybe he’s not still playing Robb Stark on GOT. Damn.

  5. Jake

    It looked like the tattoo was blurred out with makeup or some sort of cover up by the makeup artist just so she wouldn’t look trashy in that dress. Are you thinking that is was blurred in production? I didn’t look that closely.

  6. Norman

    Kelsey’s ability to go from OVER. IT. to giggly peppy little psycho squirrel is the most frightening thing I’ve seen since Glenn Close sat on the floor turning the lamp on and off.

  7. Lish

    So sad Mesa Verde got sent home :( she was providing the best crazy of the show! Although Kartrashian is definitely a close second. Does anyone else wonder if there is a psych test so they can get a good mix of sane and crazy?

  8. Ivan Drago

    why would they blur out playboy models tattoo and not twin birds? I got it. Someone needs to get a tattoo of Chris Harrison on their back. They for sure 100% would not blur it out!! Like Steve O did in Jackass, except not Steve O , CHRIS FREAKING HARRISON. A huge tattoo of Harrison right on the entire back. That would be priceless.

  9. katie

    You’re awesome. Thank you for sharing that awesome. Bach caps are my love language so I wanted to give back.

  10. Christopher Robin

    Bottomless with your top on is called Pooh-Bearing.

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