You need to take this show with a grain of bath salts. I am typically against any deviations from the formula. Give me a helicopter. Give me some drunken rose ceremonies. Give me a couple sneak attacks with Chris Harrison popping out of a bush with a champagne flute and a knife clinking and for the most part, I’m a HAPPY CAMPER™.
So when the episode starts with Jimmy Kimmel sneaking into a very staged wake up scene (or they just film Chris sleeping all the time, que lastima), I get skeptical that we’re adding a designated hitter to my game. I like my sports traditional and this was a very scripted departure SANS MUPPETS ™ so it was pretty much NOT OKAY™.
I’m not Jimmy Kimmel fan. I reluctantly laugh at his promos. I appreciated when he was chubby on Win Ben Stein’s Money (we all had a 90s, Jimmy but mine was high school). I get that he’s had more plastic surgery in his face than most of these women have had in their NOT FACE™. Seriously, he is one nip/tuck from being on Real Housewives of Late Night Television.
But the thing is, he shined here and I didn’t expect it. I mean I know he’s the 5th best late night host on television, but being 100% honest, he won me back. I am for Kimmel. He went on there and did a very polished version of what I’d do. He talked about everything. He called them out for saying “the right reasons” and called them “sister wives.” Even better, he started a tip jar for when they said amazing. He allowed the show to go to a self-reflexive place and in doing so, took a great season and it HYPERGREAT™.
Chris Harrison looked very annoyed to be sharing the spotlight. It really brought into question what he does on the show (besides hardcore narcotics to be able to look in the mirror). You could tell having a real improve talent in the room was frusterating for him. He even left his tie at home in the beginning, opting to go for the “new-divorced at a cougar bar” BLAZER x V-NECK collab. Chris, you’re better than that. Just because Jimmy got some laughs when he said he’d be taking sexual test drives with all the girls in front of you doesn’t mean you need to get all Scarface hang a man from a helicopter on him:
As you can imagine, this is my favorite drug related murder in any drug film. I mean, besides the fact a helicopter is used to murder a rat… The helicopter is the damn star. I could go on for days. Watch Scarface. Just do it.
First date is with the Breakdancing Hoser (she’s Canadian). Jimmy makes it seem like they’re going somewhere pretty swanky, bottles, basically all the lyrics to Like A G6, only instead they go to Costco. They have a ridiculous shopping list and have to buy all the stuff.
Many times on this date, there were lines about this being “normal” – doing the things a real couple would do like Costco or BBQing. The thing is, nothing about this Costco trip was like one my wife and I might go on. For one, when we go to Costco, we buy nothing but paper towels and toilet paper. When we go to the checkout counter, which is as chaotically crowded as most religious tourist spots in Israel, the cashier looks at our bricks and bricks of toilet paper and wonders if all we do is eat beans and drink hard alcohol. I mean, no one should need to wipe their ass as much as it seems like we’re going to. Teens talk about the embarrassment of buying condoms at the drugstore. Are you kidding? I was dancing up and down the aisles when I bought them, I looked really cool (and responsible).
There is no shame like seeing your next 2,000 stomach aches depicted in the form of palettes of TP. You go to check out and you feel like the cashier is sizing up how your ass contributes to this:
The other thing that was a real departure was when they got in the awesome blow up hamster ball and rolled down an aisle. How many companies of militia were needed to clear out the hordes of old folks looking for samples of protein bars and microwave pizza for them to inflate a giant ball and roll it down an aisle. I literally feel like I’m trying to cross the 101 on foot when I walk around there.
Also, how scarred are those kids that pushed them. I’d have been so tempted to be like HEY KIDS THIS IS HOW BABIES ARE MADE. I really should have gone on this show.
Later they go back to barbecue and Kimmel is there being pretty awesome. He asks about the fantasy suites and being Canadian, the Hoser pretty much says it’s cool he can take some people on a test drive. I respected her for understanding the game. Not for being okay with it. Either way, she was quickly flying up my list for that reason and the fact she can get away with that kind of midriff. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
We definitely realize here that Chris laughs like a sorority girl being tickled by a boy she likes. Forget Time Is A Fat Circle. He’s now called Gigglepuss. BELIEVE IT™.
When they get in the hot tub (before Kimmel shows up to eat ribs), they start making out and the truth about Canada comes out. She is not an aggressive kisser. She talks a big game, but she is definitely not a face-sucking awkward mess. This seems to substantiate that she’s been the BEST FRIEND™ a lot and cleaned up on a lot of TRANSITIONAL TRYSTS™. What I mean is, she’s adjacent to a lot of her friends’ relationships and they confide in her and when they break up, she gets a quick TRANSITIONAL TRYST™, but then he finds another HOT TICKET™ and moves on. She’s a Katherine Heigl film, back when they made those.
I like her strategy and I bet, despite her devil-may-care attitude, that she’s a catch. She’s trying too hard to prove she’s not great. I like her.
The group date is great, save one big time issue: MESA VERDE is there and we get nothing, barely even a creepy stare from her. She even did her hair and didn’t crawl on the ground chasing cats. She had so many opportunities to terrorize animals, I felt let down.
Anyway, this date is American Ninja x Farmville. Much like hot tubs and helicopters, girls milking animals is becoming a motif on this show and you didn’t need to go to the best film school on earth (I did, NON-HUMBLEBRAG™) to catch what that is about. And if you didn’t, Kimmel mentioned there was one boy goat they had to milk. HJs. We’re talking about HJs. Also someone said something about “warm and salty” and “in my mouth” and at that point I was wondering how many US dollars it took the producer to just force that sound bite. Whatever, grateful. #blessed
In this race to shovel shit, crack eggs, milk a goat and chug and to shuck corn, the real news was not Carly going balls out to win. The real news was that Jillian finally earned her lasting nickname. I dub her FLIGHT RECORDER, you know, because of the Black Box they had to put over her butt the entire time. Presumably because she wears TOO-SMALL™ sizes, but after BUTT PEACH FUZZ™ talk from last week, basically who knows what’s going on there. But a producer doesn’t like her she lives with a superimposed black miniskirt the entire show.
It was epic when she leaped over the fence. For every reason from Plato to Voltaire. It was the Sistine Chapel of black box leaps into pig pens. Venus di Milo and Otis.
Carly wins, she gets a blue ribbon and an American Gothic photo shoot with Gigglepuss. I know all of us at home felt we missed out.
The cocktail party is another makeout fest, which makes sense as Gigglepuss only has access to women he’s related to in Iowa. He’s making up for lost time and laughing like a girl. He also only holds a woman’s hands directly over their crotch. Real talk.
MOTHER OF KALE has a mild aneurysm and blacks out. She basically asks Gigglepuss why he makes out with other girls, but asks as if she just noticed this. What does she do all night at these cocktail parties? Does she just look at salads and debate which vegetable she’ll name her next kid after? Spinach and Artichoke Dip is my vote. My guess is where she’s from, that’s considered a vegetable.
Becca gets a rose and now I need to figure out who the hell she is. THANKS.
Second date is with the fertility nurse who talks like a baby. Fertility. Kids movies. Fern Gully. I dub thee FERT GULLY. They go to Saddlerock in Malibu, mere miles from where I went to high school. Fairly sure my cousin was married there. This is a nice spot and there’s a mountain that looks like a cat which brought me tons of joys every time I drop
DURING CLASS AFTER SCHOOL to the beach.
She decides that we’re going to crash a wedding and despite how much we are meant to think this is spontaneous, it is not. I do appreciate them shooting the wedding all shady from bushes, even if everyone knew.
I don’t know if Gigglepuss is just someone who falls in love at weddings or when drunk, both which are LOVE HEROIN™, but he seemed like he dug FERT GULLY, especially when he dropped the uber subtle clue about “seeing himself marrying her.” So there’s that. Garden State. The Shins.
Instead of a cocktail party, we opted for an all day pool party. Of course, this is useful for two reasons. The first is obvious. Day drinking in the hot sun makes for a drunker rose ceremony. But the second reason I am proud to have figured out. It’s definitely the way they get girls in bathing suits to cry so that in the COMING UP THIS SEASON ON THE BACHELOR MONTAGE in episode one, there’s the potential that any of the girls could have made it to a tropical vacation trip, or better, the fantasy suites. They are getting smarter. Clever girl.
Kartrashian is a hot mess the entire time, alternating between crying and laughing in rapid succession and then kissing like a virgin, meaning, she like stands, awkwardly almost yanks Gigglepuss off a roof, all kinds of rookie mistakes. Sexy isn’t dying after rolling down a Spanish tiled roof to your doom. It ain’t belly rings either (not since the oughties).
Juelia (spelling?) decides she is going to pick a pool party as the right place to tell the world’s most horrible story about her dead husband threatening to kill himself when they just had a newborn and then actually doing that. Chris handles it well, but definitely regretted THE LAST MARGARITA™.
Bratzny grabs a make out and then Jade (who is a Playmate, FYI) cuddles him in bed in her stilettos, which I’m sure all of you do at home, yeah? GIRLS. So predictable. I mean, if I had a dollar for everytime a secret playmate wanted to cuddle in bed I’d have more dollars than the AMAZING JAR™ or at least more than Jade has after her first feature dance at Spearmint Rhino.
There’s a weird hot tub situation with Flight Recorder, who literally won’t leave. She’s like in old war movies when the archers are gonna shoot and the captain keeps being like HOOOOOLD. Only she never fired. She just sat there with presumably the lion’s share of her ass hanging out.
Rose ceremony, three folks we barely knew are gone. One, the teacher I think, seemed great. Lucky her to be gone. Also, three weeks in, we are basically an all white cast again. Do better, guys. This is crazy.
That said, loved this week and last. I’m all in for this season. Share this around and follow me below so we can cuddle. I’ll wear my stilettos.