BachCap: Dropping the Deuce

Well, I’m late. I guess I’m pregnant with a blog post.

Actually, I’m in Atlanta for work and that’s great because I am so damn close to the burning wreckage that is Andi’s life. It’s fun to be so close to a prediction I made. That said, I gave them six months. Josh and her made it less than six days.

Whatever, let’s get unpreggers. BACHCAP: ENGAGE.

We start with a scene from last week, a brunette with the kind of GUMPTION™ Eli Wallach said Kate Winslet had in The Holiday, or as it’s often called HOLIDAY WOMAN CRACK™. Gumption. She took Chris out side and said, “It’s light out, I haven’t slept in over 34 hours and 2 bottles of Kim Crawford and we never even talked so if you send me home I’m crying. In broad daylight. On TV.”

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For a farmer to ignore this request, well, it would be like killing a prized cow, not unlike the cow from Into The Woods, minus the music, plus Chris Harrison. For the record, she’s a pretty girl. I just like making references to Sondheim musicals because I am super postmodern and I keep my wife happy. Plus, he’s a farmer. So like, cows.

She gets a reprieve and when she comes back in, one girl says “I feel like this is a slow clap” proving she doesn’t understand what a slow clap is. It’s a positive. Oh man. Has society fallen this far? This means she hasn’t seen Rudy, which means she won’t succeed in marrying a guy in the midwest. Also, if you haven’t seen Rudy, but can name all the Kardashians (I mean all of them), you will die alone. So Netflix that sniz. (Also, same girl said she’s “more Kardashian than country” – so yeah. Also, Kardashian and Country is barely alliteration, read a book).

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Side note, pre roll ad for The Boy Next Door with JLo… It’s about sleeping with a young dude who then stalks her and she has to kill him or something. Is she a praying mantis? Are all her movies about being duped by a dude and then killing him? What did Ben Affleck do? Does this relate to Gone Girl? I love lamp?

Okay, I’m back.

Chris Harrison, on a wild Molly and ecstasy bender, demanded a collision montage where Chris was in an awkward outdoor shower at the same time that he explained the Bachelor was living in a Moroccan sex den just down the driveway from the Bach Mansion. If you aren’t into subtly, Harrison kept saying, “HE’S DOWN THERE, RIGHT NOW, NAKED, OUTSIDE and YOU NEED TIME WITH HIM. I’m not saying go down there, but if you did, he’s showering outside. It’s just like showering inside, but you don’t have to ring the doorbell to get in with him. Some people are birdwatchers. You guys can walk right outside, take shots of tequila, and look at him shower. So, don’t abuse that, yeah?”

What a pimp. Not slang, I mean, like, actually. What a man who contracts other people out for sex.

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First date is at some weird roof pool I’m pretty sure I used to drink across the street from. The girl who almost got kicked off has a nice meet/cute, and then is totally respected by the producers when she gives and interview on the street in a bikini with pool hair. DIGNITY™.

Don’t worry, they made everyone walk half naked down Fig in DTLA. I’ve done it. So what. Go Trojans!

Some girls went to sneak into Chris’ house and said it was gonna be an everyday habit. I think one of them banged their head or something, I don’t know, I was pouring a drink. I’m sure we’ll revisit it later. Or not.

Just when I was enjoying the ridiculousness of girls being convinced that racing tractors in the city in their bikinis was somehow a test of love, we get to know Juelia (spelling?) who goes on to explain her daughter’s father died. By killing himself. This show sometimes is the equivalent of switching between cocaine and codeine on repeat. DUMB HAPPY™ and HYPER BUMMED™ on a loop.

Mood-Swing

Why?

Really. Why.

Back to NAKED TRACTORS™. Seriously.

Kartrashian wins the race and gets some precious alone time, but it doesn’t matter. Chris gives the night date to Mother of Kale, who looks as shocked as I was that she got it. Then all the girls get really insecure and walk around abandoned streets, but without zombies or anything post-apocalyptic, which felt like a miss. Like in 28 Days Later (which is a great hashtag for this show because every couple formed on the Bachelor breaks up… 28 Days Later).

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While Kartrashian played armchair psychologist about the night date, Mother of Kale was pulling off miracles on her date. She managed to tell Chris he had a big nose, discuss aliens (in a serious, off-putting way) and tell him she has a son (named after a vegetable) and still get a rose.

All of this while making every sentence sound something in between a guess and a question.

Takeaway, having a child buys you a week. If you adopt like ten kids and reveal them weekly at cocktail parties, you probably at least hit the fantasy suites. Just my gut.

Megan got a date card which she didn’t know was a date card, which is a good thing, because living on a farm won’t be an issue. If you are easily confused, you probably don’t care where you are. No one can be sure she’ll even know she’s on a farm, in Iowa or even on earth at all. Mother of Kale is like, did some say aliens? Do they have hot noses?

Megan’s first date started with a limo and when she saw a plane, she held his hand and pushed it into her chest, a pro move. I felt the same way seeing an airplane. But then…

HOLY SHIT HELICOPTER! ALREADY! YES!

I would pick on Megan for saying things like butterflies are smiling in her stomach (they don’t have teeth), but I was too busy freaking out that there was a helicopter already in week two and guess what?

LOOK WHERE IT WENT!

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I was screaming “we did it Miyagi” and crying in my hotel room. This is why I play this game.

And then Chris Harrison, for the second time tonight, orchestrated a death story.

Megan’s dad died just weeks before going on the show. Despite whatever quaaludes she was on in her brown blanket at the mansion when she didn’t understand the date card, she seems pretty nice and they seem pretty happy. Pretty sure you can wear big blankets on farms in Iowa. Got my eye on her.

She gets the rose. Duh.

When the new group date is “death themed” – like the rest of this episode – one girl says “death is zero percent sexy.” But truth is, I know she digs every guy on Walking Dead. Stop pretending. If Chris Pine played a dead person, she’d be like “death is like 110% sexy.”

Then they go in a limo to a creepy set and zombies attack the limo, presumably not the reanimated zombies of any of the deaths described earlier in the show. Ups and downs on this show. Death is sad. Death is funny. WE’RE IN THE MOVIE SEVEN AND CHRIS HARRISON IS GONNA SHOW US WHAT’S IN THE BOX.

I hate this. Also, was the empty downtown LA walk a foreshadow? I was thinking, where are the zombies and now… ZOMBIES!

The scariest part was they drank Fireball to calm down. Whiskey is supposed to taste like whiskey. Whiskey is not a flavor that needs improving. If you drank the Fireball and did it before you blacked out, you don’t get a rose.

Zombie Date ensues. We’re taking paintball guns and killing zombies and finding the beacon. It’s Call of Douchey. Highlight? Ashley goes nuts and earns the name FULL METAL WHACKIT. Everyone is having fun, but she’s hammered on Lexipro and Fireball and threatening to shoot everyone.

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At one point, she just freakishly takes a serene walk through the zombies and then starts shooting the ones already pretending to be dead. To be clear, these are just actors on the ground and she just starts capping them. It was terrifying. Imagine actually shooting downed humans on a battlefield. She was like that “horror of war” scene from every Vietnam film ever.

And then says she feels like she’s in the MESA VERDE™.

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I was only there once (or twice) in college and I regretted going there. It takes days to recover from a trip to MESA VERDE™. It’s hell, okay? You need an iron mind and stomach.  You need to be able to say goodbye to normal life and relationships. One does not simply go to MESA VERDE™.

Right? Pound it. £££

It kept getting weirder. She said the rose might go to an angel. She said a lot of different things and crawled around looking for cats. Honestly, I believe she had a drug interaction. There’s no commentary I could make that would be funnier or more disturbing than watching it. One of the most memorable segments ever. Period. History. This is a banner episode.

Chris is even a good guy, sort of.

He gives Caitlin the rose, who seems like she’s SECRETLY SHY™ by the way she fronts a big game and is a very reserved kisser (and someone who moves to Germany for a man, or nah, bruh).

Bratzny didn’t like it. She even said she had “mixed emotions” about it. Then said she was in a bad mood. Which isn’t mixed. Actresses need scripts, I guess.

Oh yeah! Jordan, back at the mansion, talked about Jillian (HGH) and then said she had a hairy ass. Not kidding. Peach fuzz. Then she twerked. Slowly because booze. Again, banner episode. It almost doesn’t need me.

ALMOST™.

Kartrashian goes on to tell Mother of Kale that she is a virgin and while that was interesting, what was more interesting was Mother of Kale’s reaction, which was so odd, for a mother especially. She felt like it was great leverage because dudes like taking girls’ virginities. I’m glad Kale is a boy. PARENTING™.

Kartrashian goes off and then does a really weird belly ring make a wish thing that made me super uncomfortable, but I did enjoy that Chris is farming kisses like crops. He’s the biggest kiss collector since Ben.

Jordan was drunk some more. This episode had everything.

Bratzny freaked out a little bit because Chris is kissing everyone.

Then, the highlight was the rose ceremony, when Jillian went to take Juelia’s (spelling?) rose and then took out half the carpet on the way, chasing this awkward move with an awkward laugh. Basically the world’s worst charcuterie pairing. I dub her Zoolander (come on, the scene where he accepts Hansel’s award?)

In the end, he drops a lot of girls, but he keeps FULL METAL WHACKIT in proof the producers will do anything to keep it good. And why shouldn’t they. This episode was amazing. Pure gold. This girl literally sounded like an extra from True Detective. She’s talking about Carcosa and black stars and the Yellow King. She’s straight cold buggin’ and we might as well get another week of her.

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See you in MESA VERDE™.

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10 Comments

Filed under Bachelor/Bachelorette

10 Responses to BachCap: Dropping the Deuce

  1. Shelly

    Thank god you’re back! Makes it all worth it. Did you notice Megan’s make-up at the rose ceremony? She’s a make-up artist and i guess the latest thing is a “metallic look”? I kept thinking about who she reminded me of and then it hit me – The Tin Man! Thanks again for the laughs (full metal whackit, kartrashian)…

  2. Madeline

    The only reason why I watch this show is so that I can read your blog posts. You are a genius.

  3. Ashley

    I’m in stitches. Dying. I think this is one of the best recaps in a long while, but probably because it was one of the best episodes in ages. Helicopters, insane dose of crazy, zombies…. Everything. It was like Stefon on Weekend Update concocted the perfect 2 hours of television.

    Also, I’ve walked half naked down Fig, just not in DTLA.

    Final thought – what if you’re morally opposed to watching Rudy, because Notre Dame?

  4. Kristina

    i was worried you wouldn’t be back this season, but i am relieved that you are.

    how could you not be when there’s a HELICOPTER IN EPISODE 2?!?!

  5. Rebecca

    I’ve read this recap twice, and will probably read it again, just to relish all the brilliance. The Bachelor would’ve lost me by now, if it weren’t for your skills in breaking it down, and tearing it apart. Mother of Kale may be in the Top 5 Dumbest “Ladies” ever. By my standards, anyway. Thanks so much for writing these, and good luck with the Super Bowl campaign!

  6. Sheila

    So happy you are back and that you are doing the ™s again because they are genius, especially ALMOST™. Love them so much I just googled how to do them!!

  7. kelly

    The minute I saw the helicopter I thought, “Oh, the Bearfighter’s just gonna love this.” Kind of frightened myself in the process…
    Next I will be dreaming in TRADEMARKS™ ???

  8. Yesssssss! You’re back! Hope you caught week 3 and you’ll have time to blog your take.

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