I’ve been quiet this season. Too quiet? Nah. I drank 50 bourbons and now have a plaque on a wall at a local bar for said feat.
I’ve been hustling at the office making ads that don’t make you want to break your television.
I’ve been making apple pie bourbon and lots of pork for dinner.
I’ve gotten my FIFA game strong. I’ve been a soccer hooligan with Timbers Army.
I’ve spent some time watching sunsets while drinking in an infinity pool. (kept my phone dry)
I’ve stocked and restocked my home bar over and over and even put it near a palm-like tree to remind me of home.
But in the end, it’s UCLA week and as I stare at the endless stream of back and forth between our fans and their seasonal, twice a decade enthusiasts, I had to jump back in and put things in order.
Do me a favor. Don’t engage with them. You know how they say to not move if you see a bear in the forest. Do that. Do the shit out of that because talking to a Bruin about football is like arguing about Michelin rated restaurants with a person who lost their tongue from cigarettes.
They have bad taste. They have nothing to hang their fluffy, bow-in-the-haired mascot’s head on. They will never understand facts about football and to be honest, their boy-who-stumbled-into-a-movie-theater-mid-movie tactics tend to bring out the “Fundamentalist Trojan” in us and it turns to us exchanging cartoon photos of Trojans sodomizing bears and then them sending pictures of bears sodomizing Trojans and as USC grads, I deeply hope you have better things to do.
All of us do it from time to time, but let’s be honest. We get excited to play Notre Dame. We get excited to beat UCLA. They are our baby rival. They want to talk basketball, but no one wants to talk basketball.
So let’s just make a quick Troy Week assessment of what happens when you engage Bruins and why you might as well just smile at them.
First, they are going to say the OWN USC right now. Two wins in a row after their worst loss in history (50-0) and suddenly, they own us. As I’ve said when I’ve indulged in a little shit talking, if anything, they took a lease out on us that they likely cannot afford.
Owning is the last 15 years we’ve been lining up to play (including their two year lease):
12 wins to their 3. Scoring 2x as much. Gaining 2x yards. Sitting on their QB’s head 2x as much. Since I was taking driving lessons, enjoying all dating from first to marriage, raising the money for and then buying a home, selling it and then moving to another state and then buying another home… Basically, for fifteen years, it’s been one way (until the lease).
Until the lease, UCLA literally made t-shirts about a 13-9 win over USC that prevented Troy from going to the National Title. Printed a t-shirt. It was that big a deal just to win (even though a month later we won one of like 5 Rose Bowls that decade in their stadium). Our punishment was a Rose Bowl win, something our whole conference covets so much you almost want to donate a couple of our dozens of them.
But if you bring up this decade, you get “The Cheating Discussion” – which of course is the line of unstudied discourse about what specifically USC was sanctioned for.
I made a video about it years ago and realized there was no point to bring any of it up, nor is there a point to bringing up the handicapped spaces the last really good UCLA team parked in illegally. One dude and his family taking money (and a lot of it) from a ex-con in San Diego completely unaffiliated with USC or athletes forcing handicapped people to park far away from businesses. Forensics, Ethics and Reading Comprehension – not taught at UCLA. Even as I type this, a moron from their school who is reading this for some reason unbeknownst to me is about to post something like this:
Sigh. Murderers is used a lot even though they are citing one person. If that’s the game, here’s a Bruin football player who did the same, well, arguably even more insidious:
Once a promising football player with the UCLA Bruins and the Los Angeles Rams, Darryl Henley found himself in a heap of legal trouble starting in 1995. Henley was convicted of drug trafficking and sentenced to 20 years in prison. He apparently was not too pleased with that verdict, as he allegedly hired a hitman to take out the judge and a key witness on the case. That earned him another 21 years to his sentence.
But the thing is, murder is sad and doesn’t have to do with UCLA or USC. It’s just a dumb argument. Neil Armstrong went to USC. USC doesn’t own the moon now. Alumni are cool. Some are embarrassing. Like the ones who invoke homicides for the purpose of football.
Some alumni from UCLA happen to be the lawyer who defended OJ Simpson. Just saying.
Liars, yeah. Josh Shaw was an idiot. He’d tell you that. He committed no crime. Served a ten-game suspension. Hurt his draft stock. We good? Play ball.
Cheaters? Again, please watch this video I made.
Next, don’t post crap like this…
Beyond how embarrassing this boast is, beyond how lame “SUC” is as a hatful moniker, why so homophobic and if so homophobic, why make that point via a Trojan on his knees, crotch-level in front of a Bruin. WHY NOT FIND A PICTURE OF TWO TROJANS? I’m a modern man. I don’t care who is crotch-level with who, but I don’t get the desire to constantly use male-on-male sex or male-on-male beastiality to get fired up for a football game. Those people need help.
I enjoyed this. Here’s a taunt that at least tries to be clever. Unfortunately, the product on the left is an actual product from UCLA. So whatever we think we are getting, we can actually get the Bruin plush doll on the left at the UCLA Bookstore, right behind the
bruin statue USC graffiti canvas.
Let’s wrap this up.
When UCLA is hyped up, ranked well and respected, they flop. Like a fish. Every time. All the time. All day. Every day. Instead of trying to tell them we’re better, just prop them up. Troll them. Tell them how great they are. They are so good, I’m scared to play them.
Look, when we were winning 12 of the last 15, we weren’t reminding them we were the best team on Earth. They knew because ALL THE MEDIA™. They are only talking because they know we know they “underachieved” and in the end, are the same basketball school no one cares about.
Just tell them they are great.
If you MUST compete with these people this week, do it for a good cause. Like this one:
Enjoy the game this weekend. I’ll be watching it with a bottle of bourbon and an Arturo Fuente Work of Art on an island just east of Seattle, with friends that did not go to USC, but through knowing the Bearfighter, see why we are the only reasonable choice. Even the Ducks up here know. What USC is in an up year or down year is a champion. History matters.
Which is why I’d be thrilled to cancel their short lease this weekend. If not, I’m sure it will end next year with no Rose Bowls or National Titles to their largely-irrelevant name.
Happy hunting, Arrogant Nation. FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER already. Been tweeting all year.