Final BachCap

I don’t think I can commit to writing about this final week in a normal way. I don’t feel a need to be linear. I think this season has been the worst since I have started watching this show. As some of you have noted, it’s been like pulling teeth to write about any of it. Andi is just slightly too smart to make too much fun of, slightly too put together to put down and so predictable it was like watching a romantic comedy unfold.

I miss Jake Pavelka pretending to like girls and having the occupation “fighter pilot.” I miss Ali making awkward moans and groans and having her extensions constantly look like they were being clawed out of her head. I miss Sean Lowe being a born-again virgin.

Andi is just that girl who went to law school, hasn’t quite figured it out and is dating the same kind of dude over and over. Literally, how many of these people do you know in your life. Some of you may be these people. AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

Just please don’t go on national television only to take us on a journey around the world so you can find the same failed minor league baseball player from your hometown that you could have found in any bar in Buckhead.

What did we even see? They worked so hard to give us a hook, from the guy who died skydiving to the creepiness of Nick’s scarf game. Blah.

I mean, even Hy, her father, who was great when he told Wapalo to eff off was subdued and kind of basic. I missed Desiree’s brother, I wanted to fly him in just to call Nick a little punk ass and challenge him to a milk chugging and arm wrestling contest and the winner pays for tickets to “dollar vodka red bull night” and “insert inland empire club.”

I enjoyed her sister who I just wanted to get into Bar Method and maybe tell her “I’m sorry you have to deal with this” because I am pretty sure she is the best choice in the family. She just doesn’t have the benefit of constant spray tanning, constant hair and makeup and the inflated sense of importance you can only get from having a coked up Chris Harrison ask you questions about your love life like they are questions about how to resolve the situation in the middle east. In real life, Andi’s sister is the good one.

There was something so serial killer about Nick the whole time, but it slowly got revealed more and more and more and more and MORE AND MORE AND MOAR AND MOAAAARRRR. I mean, honestly the guy looks like a dried up felt tip pen wrapped in the one available leather jacket in Wisconsin. He falls in love with girls in the way only guys who aren’t interested in girls do. He fell in love with the idea of loving a girl. Yes, yes a thousand times yes.

If you asked him his favorite episode of Sex and The City, he’d have an answer. For the rest of us, our favorite episode was the second movie because that meant it was finally, mercifully over. Like this season.

Gut check, can’t you picture Nick abbreviating all his TV shows when he mentions them on Facebook? Like SATC reruns! SYTYCD! I love TV! Then he gets mad at you because TV is “The Voice” to him and he hates you for not getting it. His abbreviations. Abbrevs. Brevs. Evs. Umbrella. Ella. Eh. Eh. O.

I think I just figured out Rihanna.

I feel like Nick Cage in National Treasure, but mainly because Diane Kruger is making eyes at me and Justin Bartha keeps texting me to hang out.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, there’s Crap Leinart. Or There’s Something About Dillon. Like, there’s nothing really wrong with him except he is the male equivalent of a basic bitch. He’s not a bro. He’s just a dude who’s been in so many locker rooms and on so many golf courses that he’s gone taste blind.

His favorite person? His dog. His favorite song? Insert 90s R&B slow jam. His favorite clothing? Shiny golf shirts pre mid life crisis. His favorite meal? STEAK, bro. Just kidding, tacos, but only if it’s Tuesday.

He’s the girl you are so excited is interested in you but then you are like you cannot come home to Mom.

And then when he got engaged he was wearing a suit that was three sizes to small. I didn’t know a man could look slutty in a suit, but he did it. It was so embarrassing. And he was sweating like he was getting kicked out of minor league baseball.

But I guess they are happy, can live in ATL, eat well and fade into a life of being overweight on golf courses. Or divorce. BUT, huge props to Josh for handling Nick’s slut shaming, which shall be the final rant of the season. But first, yes. Josh was a man for not caring. The only anti-dote to slut shaming is saying sleeping with someone doesn’t make you a slut. And it doesn’t. Andi may be a lot of things, but not a slut and we shouldn’t as a society say that about people. Period.

So, Nick was having his crisis and basically outed that they had sex, admittedly in the whiniest way ever. This is crazy because this show NEVER admits it. I mean, Ben Flajnik (who I drank with in Portland this weekend, sweet name drop bro) had his hook up referred to as “swimming in the ocean.”

Nick. I think you have more stuff going on. But in the meantime, note to self. Slut shaming a woman on national television does not increase the likelihood of more women trusting you with intimacy. Or ocean swimming. Sex. I’m talking about sex. Get a strategy. Start from “the opposite of everything you think you should do.”

I’m glad this terrible season is over. I hope Chris the Farmer gets it because I genuinely wanna see how he does. See you next year most likely… But first some housekeeping.


Thank you to my readers on Twitter (who know when I delay a post or cancel one)  and just my generally kind readers, but when you don’t write a for a couple weeks, relax. I don’t ask for money, I do this for fun. And it is fun, but when I get “shamed” on my blog, it’s a huge drag. Like when this happens.

I could not agree more. Sure, it’s a bit sad that I’m fired up over a (lack of a) blog about the Bachelorette, but I feel like a fool when I get excited to read Lost’s analysis and then there’s nothing for THREE weeks.

If something’s going on in your life, sure. But another very popular Bachelor blogger, Jen Frase, announced a few weeks ago that due to a family medical situation, she MIGHT not be blogging the rest of the season. And apologized. And thanked people for being great readers. Totally respectful to her readers who looked forward to her column every week.

Whatever, Lost. You’re deleted from my bookmarks. Off to read the other blogs who keep their commitments to entertain us!

How would you know what’s going on in my life? I’m sorry you don’t want to read anymore, but it’s okay. This is a safe place. A happy place.

I’ve always said my readers are my friends. My friends don’t consider the blog my commitment to them. And I don’t think it’s my responsibility to talk about when medical results, business commitments or family obligations kept me from posting about a show I only write about because it is awful. This is for shits and giggles, guys. You can always tweet at me and ask what’s up. Those of you on instagram know everything that’s going on. Sometimes, I am traveling and don’t get to see the show and by the time I do, it’s basically next week. Sometimes, life gets in the way.

I’ve been very consistent for no other reason than I enjoy it. For some six years now. Millions of reads and thousands of readers. It’s just for fun. Let’s let it be that.

So if I keep going, it’s going to be for my thousands of friends who just like reading the crap I write when I have something to say. And to the upset poster I quoted, nothing personal and thank you for reading. I didn’t mean to single you out (and still don’t). It was just a perfect example of the things that make this largely unpaid pursuit so frustrating sometimes.

And by that token, to my USC readers who allowed me so graciously to slip from structured coverage into freeform content last year, that’s why I love you. I’ll be writing this year to be sure, who knows how much or how often, just know that when there’s something to debate, the Bearfighter will be there.

Thanks for another season, hopefully it’s better next year and I want to write. I really enjoy your company.



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40 Responses to Final BachCap

  1. Danielle

    I don’t even know who the other bloggers are. They’re irrelevant because you’re the BEST!

  2. Scott

    Why would anyone read a serious blog about this crap show. My wife makes me watch it and the only reason I acquiesce is because I can read this twisted POV on this blog. I love this blog. I am looking forward, even more though, to your blogs as football season arrives soon. Keep up the funny shit and FIGHT ON!

  3. Sue

    Hey Zach, you hit the nail on the head the entire Bachelorette season, even when we didn’t hear from you ( I just figured there was nothing worth talking about :) And yes, without a doubt, Chris should be the next Bachelor.
    Now on to bigger, better and MUCH more important things, Trojan Football!! Fight On!!!!!!

  4. @LauraAlyssaP

    Just wanted to say I agree, this season was terrible! Not gonna lie, there were weeks that my boyfriend and I just left the show on in the background while we read or played on the iPad. But your posts kept it interesting, so I hope it *is* Farmer Chris next season, and that you’ll keep BachCaping when you can. ^__^ You don’t owe us anything, but we appreciate what you give.

  5. Jem

    I thought the free form last season mirrored our team’s free form. It takes talent to make an unbearable bullsh** show entertaining, so thank you for that. We should watch the next finale at the 9-0.

  6. Sarah

    Keep blogging, we love you and appreciate your humorous and witty take on this show! Perhaps some blogging on Bachelor in Paradise?! Thoughts?! Could be some good material!! And yes…fingers crossed for Farmer Chris next season, I’m sure it’ll happen. PS good to see you guys a few weeks ago!

  7. Cristin

    If you asked him his favorite episode of Sex and The City, he’d have an answer. For the rest of us, our favorite episode was the second movie because that meant it was finally, mercifully over. Like this season.

    Nailed it.
    And thank you for Shaming Scarfdouche for attempting to slut-shame. He should be kicked in the balls for that stunt. Did anyone notice the dumb little smirk on his face after he said it??? I believe that was his stupid plot for revenge. Hopefully he will appear on this new Bachelor in Paradise ridiculousness and run off to elope with Sausage.

  8. Cristi

    I love your blog, I didn’t even really watch this season because it looked so bad. I did, however, read your blog religiously. I probably should keep quiet because I didn’t even watch the last episode, not that I am defending Nick, but just throwing out there, isn’t sleeping with someone that you know you’re going to dump the next day a little bit not nice?

    • Annie

      Yeah, I gotta say, Nick was boring and often creepy and it’s so weird that he made it to the final two, but I don’t know that I agree that what he did was attempting to slut shame. He was asking why.

      1) He tried to talk to her twice well before the final episode and she wouldn’t see him so I don’t know when’s he supposed to have his version of closure. 2) She said she loved failed baseball player from the moment she saw him or met him or whatever her exact words were, so what a heartless act to sleep with a guy days before knowing she’d accept a proposal from someone else…and doing it as part of a national TV show, that’s smart. Josh may have felt like what she chose to do was hitting below the belt, and since when are there such defined lines around what can be said on reality TV. 3) Maybe the show’s editors and producers put him up to saying what he said b/c of ratings.

      Anyway. It was indeed a boring season made more entertaining by this blog, hopefully Chris is up next, and geez when is Summer over.

      • Rebecca

        When a man asks a woman why she slept with more than one man when deciding which to marry, everyone questions the woman.

        When a woman asks a man why he slept with more than one woman when deciding which to marry, everyone says he has to know which is better in bed before he decides.

        From one woman to another, c’mon.

        Also, it was slut shaming.

        Also, it was a manipulative power play move to say it on TV. Just like a lot of other things Nick said throughout the season. May no more woman fall for the disgusting charms of creeps like him. Good for Andi for getting away from him while she could, and ignoring him when she did.

  9. Cristi

    ps- “please don’t go on national television only to take us on a journey around the world so you can find the same failed minor league baseball player from your hometown that you could have found in any bar” HILARIOUS! And so true.
    I also hope the next Bachelor is the farmer, I would watch.

  10. Rich

    There has never been or will ever be a better contestant than Wapalo. It’s all downhill from there. And as to this psycho slut shaming loser douchebag Nick, he should try to hook up with Wapalo’s leftover from Sacramento. Can you imagine that couple? OOOOOOOOFA. Fight On!!! I’ll look for you at the Coliseum this year…

  11. Steve

    I don’t watch this show, and typically skip your blog posts about it. However, after reading that the show acknowledged that the Bachlorette had S-E-X — — with one of the guys, I was curious for you take on that:

    “Andi may be a lot of things, but not a slut and we shouldn’t as a society say that about people. Period.”

    Well said, sir. I look forward to this season’s USC/Arrogant Nation posts!

  12. Love reading your blog! I check every Tuesday for the Bach recaps, and then every Wednesday, and then every Thursday, and then I say to myself, he’s probably off doing something way fucking better than writing about how many times Andi says “staaaahp it” in an episode. Zero complaints from me! Happy to read it when its available! You bring the LOLs!

  13. Joey

    Thanks! Can we go ahead and work Buzz Lightyear into Farmer Chris’ nickname for Bachelor? And Chris Harrison has to be the living Glenn Quagmire. Giggity

  14. stine

    No one pays Gossip Zach so give the guy a break. This is for shits and giggles indeed. Thank you for all of the S&G’s, we (our group of Bach watchers) fucking adore you!

  15. liz

    a little far to say that nick was slut shaming. he never called her a slut-he only shamed her for banging him lovingly while she was in love with someone else. I think its understandable and doesnt make him a douche- I mean it probably feels pretty shitty. besides, she denied him to talk about it in private which is pretty shitty of her after she tooted & booted him on national tv. just sayin! I was team nick!

  16. Kim

    Read religiously, never commented, just wanted to say that your posts are a gift and I appreciate when they show up. Thank you and keep on!

  17. Lauren

    Reading your bachcaps is the highlight of my day– thanks for the hilarious commentary!

  18. I cannot believe anyone is ridiculous enough to give you shit for waiting a few weeks to blog about the Bachelor. It’s like when Louis CK riffs about the entitlement we all felt to airplane wi-fi 5 seconds after it was invented, and the anger when it stopped working. Ok, terrible analogy. Just mean: what you do is a bonus for everyone so people should just love it or quietly slink away to a Lululemon sale or whatever.

    Not that you asked for our opinions, but hey blogging!, I tend to agree with some other readers that I am not sure what Nick did was slut-shaming. He did some very nonsensical and dangerous public locker room talk, but I think he genuinely was trying to figure out why someone slept with him if they knew they were in love with someone else. The one thing this show does not do enough is address the “lead-on” that is central to its premise and success. My friends and I always think it would be nice to hear what it’s like to go almost to the end and then watch it back and the main character is saying “Oh I knew who I wanted from Day 1.”

    Also agree you have the best Bachelor blog by a mile. Hope we hear from you next season.

  19. Alex

    You’ve been moralizing a lot the last two seasons.

  20. Sarah

    a) you rock, haters gon’ hate.

    b) the saddest thing about the slut shaming was the women who swooned so hard for nick they actually didn’t find that disturbing at all. I never warmed up to Andi until that moment when the lawyer in her was all YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH on his ass after trying to be gentle.

  21. JC

    Please give me a reason to watch Bachelor in Paradise, because, HANDCUFFS.
    and nary a mention of Grumpy Cat. Stahhhhhp.

  22. D

    You’re the best!! Please keep writing these posts, they make my day. I mostly watch the Bachelor just so I can read your blog about it later.

  23. TJ

    I have been reading your blog for years and don’t know where else I would read the best Bachelor recaps ever, so I’ve decided to comment here for the first time. It would be so amazing if you decided to write about “Bachelor in Paradise,” as I think the material is way better than Andi’s season.

    Please keep writing! Your blog posts are better than the show itself! Thanks!

  24. Amy

    Yay! I love Lost Angeles! You’re the only reason I watch the show!
    I’m glade you noticed his skimpy suit. Somebody should’ve helped him out, that was sad. It reminded me Steve Martin in Father of the Bride.. What’s new pussycat!

  25. Shane

    When I started dating my girlfriend she dragged me into the abyss that is The Bachelor. A few episodes in I was determined to start a blog about how insanely strange this show really is. Then I found your blog and realized I would never do it as good as this. Keep it up.

  26. Tara

    hi zack,
    are you going to do bach caps for “paradise”? your posts are the only reason to watch the show!!

  27. Ashley

    getting realllyyy excited for bachelor!!!!!

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