First off, friends. Just check out Twitter. I was traveling for work, am I was moving into my own bachelor mansion, sometimes you just don’t have time, even for watching Andi get wasted and then writing run on sentences about her.
I finally caught up on the previous two weeks and actually was pretty TURNT UP for hometowns. Belgium and Italy had some intrigue and the people going home made sense. We even got to see seven infinity scarves from Nick. And Sean Bro tell a girl she was IN TROUBLE because she’d fall in love with him. Only to get sent back to the gym with no brotein shake.
I mean all that was good. Andi was hammered the whole time. She gave us a very traditional Bach Moment on her date with Crap Leinart when she wanted answers as to why she could trust him or nah and he basically was like YOU CAN and she’s like I FEEL ZO MUCH BETTER NOW ABOUT FEELZ. Who knew a man who looks like Matt Dillon did in Something About Mary post teeth enlargement could have this effect on a girl who went to college. There’s something about Chicklet Teeth.
Actually, between her baby teeth and his giant teeth, their kids would be okay.
So with all that goodness, I thought hometowns would be good. They weren’t. They were sweet at times, somber, honest…
Terrible for writing. Thankfully, Nick was first in his SWEET LEATHER JACKET and infinity scarves 2 thru 4. At one point he thru it on to walk her to the car. Betch. He was like hold on, it’s cold bae.
He is from Milwaukee which taught me last night that there are places that can make a life on a farm seem good.
Andi made some comment that she’d never been to a brewery before. Call me a snob (really, do it, it turns me on), but how is that possible. Atlanta has everything. She’s never been to a brewery? And then she smells the fermentation tank and they both sit there thinking it smells good. FERMENTING HOPS SMELL GOOD? Stop. Portland has more breweries per capita than anywhere outside of Munich and let me be clear. Beer is great, the smell of making it does not. We made beer in my friend’s kitchen one time and I considered the fact his wife did not leave him as one of the greatest gifts I’ve seen exchanged in matrimony. YOU SO FAKE, BABYTEETH™.
I aM mizpelting thz sntencz bkause of I dnt carez.
They went shitty dancing, drank shitty beer and had shitty conversation before going to meet all 200 of his siblings, all commemorated on a wall of photos I wouldn’t have believed in a Wes Anderson film. They were all nice enough but come on. If the Milwaukapocalypse started you know they would use the photos as inventory to remember who they ate.
Nick’s parents are his age, which is fun? Also, loved his mom in Swingers as the girl who Vince Vaughn gets her number and then immediately rips it up. That joke will take a while, but you will eventually laugh and well, that’s how I keep our marriage strong, internet. I just keep giving.
Look, Nick just sucks. He totally just got beat up a lot in high school or he was like slightly too short or something. He just never got the girl. He is not much of a villain. He is just a standard issue douche. Meh. Not worth getting riled up about. His hair is soft and so are his scarves. Andi would probably like sarong shopping with him at Neiman Marcus.
Off to Time Is A Fat Circle’s farm in Iowa where part of me hoped to see a weird antler adorned crime scene to complete my joke because this is my world, you all just living here.
Sadly, no. Just million dollar tractors and homes and great family and a cute plane dragging a cute understated XOXO type banner. Look, he isn’t even fat. This dude is my next Bachelor because I just know Andi doesn’t have it in her to move to a farm, but this family was awesome. I’m telling no jokes. They made me literally think hey, a farm would be fine. And I have a bar cart with four kinds of rums and I’ve spent over 75 bucks on bitters in the last month. I’m so yuppie that I judge people on how they make an old fashioned (or when they do) and I was like “fuck it, I’ll marry him and live on that fucking farm.”
I really like the guy. And you know why? Because he talks to women the way a man should talk to women. On a farm with no one nearby. KIDDING.
What I mean is he doesn’t give her answers, he gives choices. He can’t move his farm and so he answers her pretty damn honestly. You could raise the kids and enjoy the fact I’m a rich and kind farmer. You could go be a DA in Iowa. You could use your degree for something else. He’s going to get behind it and appreciate every day that she came to Iowa for him, because again. CAN’T MOVE A FARM.
Look, the family was great, the rest was great. I’d be his friend and when Andi blows it and picks Crap Leinart, he better be the Bachelor. We can actually root for this guy.
Andi next goes to Tampa (that sucks, sorry) to visit Crap Leinart. She didn’t wear any pants and in the end we can play a guessing game or we can just notice SHE BARELY GOT DRESSED TO SAVE TIME LATER.
His family was nice enough, even his moron brother who isn’t that good at football. But even here, I felt bad for him. I thought the baseball thing was cheesy at first until I realized his family had him on some deep spiritual mission to promote the success of his younger brother. He wasn’t good enough and he had to push his brother. His failed dream constantly rubbed in his face despite being bigger, better looking, etc. For whatever reason, his brother had Zeus’ lightning bolt.
His only satisfaction in life comes from the dog who loves him best. Maybe.
Andi is so marrying this guy and it is so a mistake, but I understand why he is the way he is now and that’s enough for me to root against his brother in the NFL. Oh wait. 5th rounders don’t play.
Finally, we had Marcus who immediately stripped. He was super cool with his brother. His mother, even though she supposedly beat him, was one neon blue eyeshadow streak more than a totally chill seeming lady who the years have been kind to.
We all know Marcus went home. Richolas Goscage is defeated and it’s the wrong choice. He was graceful in defeat. I don’t feel like talking to him.
Let’s talk about Chris Harrison pulling everyone over to talk about Adventurer dying. First, let me say the good part. It’s a weird “family that dates” kind of thing and so I get how a death messes with their heads. I have some trouble with the fact that these people only knew him for what, three weeks? I tried to come up with a scenario like if my college roommate left after three weeks and then a month later died. It’s depressing, but I don’t know. I get why Andi would be upset. It’s not fun to send someone packing or end on a fight and that guy dies. But still. The dude was on a quest to risk his life and thrill seek and this stuff happens. It’s sad, but he died doing what he loved and that’s no snark. He actually did.
Enough of that though.
Let’s talk about Chris Harrison’s “house.” WOWOWOW.
No rug, no paintings, coffee table guys think is rad (and doesn’t show leftover blow) and women would never let you buy… This is his chick killing den and we got a rare, rare glimpse into it.
Kind of like at the rose ceremony how we got a rare glimpse into the wallpaper they put in saloons when we saw Andi’s dress. It was like she was ducking a firefight between outlaws and the wall came with her. Yeesh.
She cut Marcus and a bit of my soul.
This episode was so somber in many ways, it was so different. I am ready now for next week. I am ready for the FAHNTAHSEESWEEETS.
Let’s get it together.