BachCap Hometowns

First off, friends. Just check out Twitter. I was traveling for work, am I was moving into my own bachelor mansion, sometimes you just don’t have time, even for watching Andi get wasted and then writing run on sentences about her.

I finally caught up on the previous two weeks and actually was pretty TURNT UP for hometowns. Belgium and Italy had some intrigue and the people going home made sense. We even got to see seven infinity scarves from Nick. And Sean Bro tell a girl she was IN TROUBLE because she’d fall in love with him. Only to get sent back to the gym with no brotein shake.

I mean all that was good. Andi was hammered the whole time. She gave us a very traditional Bach Moment on her date with Crap Leinart when she wanted answers as to why she could trust him or nah and he basically was like YOU CAN and she’s like I FEEL ZO MUCH BETTER NOW ABOUT FEELZ. Who knew a man who looks like Matt Dillon did in Something About Mary post teeth enlargement could have this effect on a girl who went to college. There’s something about Chicklet Teeth.

Actually, between her baby teeth and his giant teeth, their kids would be okay.

So with all that goodness, I thought hometowns would be good. They weren’t. They were sweet at times, somber, honest…

Terrible for writing. Thankfully, Nick was first in his SWEET LEATHER JACKET and infinity scarves 2 thru 4. At one point he thru it on to walk her to the car. Betch. He was like hold on, it’s cold bae.

He is from Milwaukee which taught me last night that there are places that can make a life on a farm seem good.

Andi made some comment that she’d never been to a brewery before. Call me a snob (really, do it, it turns me on), but how is that possible. Atlanta has everything. She’s never been to a brewery? And then she smells the fermentation tank and they both sit there thinking it smells good. FERMENTING HOPS SMELL GOOD? Stop. Portland has more breweries per capita than anywhere outside of Munich and let me be clear. Beer is great, the smell of making it does not. We made beer in my friend’s kitchen one time and I considered the fact his wife did not leave him as one of the greatest gifts I’ve seen exchanged in matrimony. YOU SO FAKE, BABYTEETH™.

I aM mizpelting thz sntencz bkause of I dnt carez.

They went shitty dancing, drank shitty beer and had shitty conversation before going to meet all 200 of his siblings, all commemorated on a wall of photos I wouldn’t have believed in a Wes Anderson film. They were all nice enough but come on. If the Milwaukapocalypse started you know they would use the photos as inventory to remember who they ate.

Nick’s parents are his age, which is fun? Also, loved his mom in Swingers as the girl who Vince Vaughn gets her number and then immediately rips it up. That joke will take a while, but you will eventually laugh and well, that’s how I keep our marriage strong, internet. I just keep giving.

Look, Nick just sucks. He totally just got beat up a lot in high school or he was like slightly too short or something. He just never got the girl. He is not much of a villain. He is just a standard issue douche. Meh. Not worth getting riled up about. His hair is soft and so are his scarves. Andi would probably like sarong shopping with him at Neiman Marcus.

Off to Time Is A Fat Circle’s farm in Iowa where part of me hoped to see a weird antler adorned crime scene to complete my joke because this is my world, you all just living here.

Sadly, no. Just million dollar tractors and homes and great family and a cute plane dragging a cute understated XOXO type banner. Look, he isn’t even fat. This dude is my next Bachelor because I just know Andi doesn’t have it in her to move to a farm, but this family was awesome. I’m telling no jokes. They made me literally think hey, a farm would be fine. And I have a bar cart with four kinds of rums and I’ve spent over 75 bucks on bitters in the last month. I’m so yuppie that I judge people on how they make an old fashioned (or when they do) and I was like “fuck it, I’ll marry him and live on that fucking farm.”

I really like the guy. And you know why? Because he talks to women the way a man should talk to women. On a farm with no one nearby. KIDDING.

What I mean is he doesn’t give her answers, he gives choices. He can’t move his farm and so he answers her pretty damn honestly. You could raise the kids and enjoy the fact I’m a rich and kind farmer. You could go be a DA in Iowa. You could use your degree for something else. He’s going to get behind it and appreciate every day that she came to Iowa for him, because again. CAN’T MOVE A FARM.

Look, the family was great, the rest was great. I’d be his friend and when Andi blows it and picks Crap Leinart, he better be the Bachelor. We can actually root for this guy.

Enough.

Andi next goes to Tampa (that sucks, sorry) to visit Crap Leinart. She didn’t wear any pants and in the end we can play a guessing game or we can just notice SHE BARELY GOT DRESSED TO SAVE TIME LATER.

His family was nice enough, even his moron brother who isn’t that good at football. But even here, I felt bad for him. I thought the baseball thing was cheesy at first until I realized his family had him on some deep spiritual mission to promote the success of his younger brother. He wasn’t good enough and he had to push his brother. His failed dream constantly rubbed in his face despite being bigger, better looking, etc. For whatever reason, his brother had Zeus’ lightning bolt.

His only satisfaction in life comes from the dog who loves him best. Maybe.

Andi is so marrying this guy and it is so a mistake, but I understand why he is the way he is now and that’s enough for me to root against his brother in the NFL. Oh wait. 5th rounders don’t play.

Finally, we had Marcus who immediately stripped. He was super cool with his brother. His mother, even though she supposedly beat him, was one neon blue eyeshadow streak more than a totally chill seeming lady who the years have been kind to.

We all know Marcus went home. Richolas Goscage is defeated and it’s the wrong choice. He was graceful in defeat. I don’t feel like talking to him.

BUT.

Let’s talk about Chris Harrison pulling everyone over to talk about Adventurer dying. First, let me say the good part. It’s a weird “family that dates” kind of thing and so I get how a death messes with their heads. I have some trouble with the fact that these people only knew him for what, three weeks? I tried to come up with a scenario like if my college roommate left after three weeks and then a month later died. It’s depressing, but I don’t know. I get why Andi would be upset. It’s not fun to send someone packing or end on a fight and that guy dies. But still. The dude was on a quest to risk his life and thrill seek and this stuff happens. It’s sad, but he died doing what he loved and that’s no snark. He actually did.

Enough of that though.

Let’s talk about Chris Harrison’s “house.” WOWOWOW.

No rug, no paintings, coffee table guys think is rad (and doesn’t show leftover blow) and women would never let you buy… This is his chick killing den and we got a rare, rare glimpse into it.

Kind of like at the rose ceremony how we got a rare glimpse into the wallpaper they put in saloons when we saw Andi’s dress. It was like she was ducking a firefight between outlaws and the wall came with her. Yeesh.

She cut Marcus and a bit of my soul.

This episode was so somber in many ways, it was so different. I am ready now for next week. I am ready for the FAHNTAHSEESWEEETS.

Let’s get it together.

 

28 Comments

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28 Responses to BachCap Hometowns

  1. Ashley

    YAYYY you made me happy today. And I especially love your take on Chris, it validates me wanting to leave my boyfriend and be on next season of the Bach.

  2. Jacquie L

    My first choice for next Bachelor is Marquel because he’s from Vegas and has a legit job and dresses well and is funny and handsome and nice and likes cookies. However, because this show is racist they will def go in the complete opposite direction and pick Chris the white all-American Farmer and I’m okay with that too I guess because his face is definitely not hard to look at.

  3. Michele

    I love that you love Farmer Chris ♡

  4. Lala

    Thank you oh Benevolent Puppetmaster! This silly show almost isn’t worth it without your special brand of wit and snark.

  5. Amanda

    Fantastic recap as always. Sorry to hear about you moving into your own bach pad, sending good vibes your way!

  6. Jena Stout

    The girl from swingers?!?! I did not need to Google. I immediately laughed out loud. Amazing.

  7. Sheila

    I aM mizpelting thz sntencz bkause of I dnt carez.

    One of your best lines EVER! Loved this week’s recap.

  8. sus

    Total disappoint that you completely glossed over Marcus’ chipndales number to just a measly reference. Where is the play by play breakdown? Like dafuq was that all about?
    Babyteeth didnt dump his ass for being the obvious clinger. Marcus has been stuffing his bulge this whole time and you know THAT SHIT IS NO GAME

  9. Victoria

    You’re back!! Ok, I know I said last time that I felt like your posts had been lacking and not as entertaining as in the past. But, you totally made up for it and you’re totally back! I loved it! It made me just about spit out my drink I was laughing so hard. “Kind of like at the rose ceremony how we got a rare glimpse into the wallpaper they put in saloons when we saw Andi’s dress. It was like she was ducking a firefight between outlaws and the wall came with her. Yeesh. ” Awesome! LOVE LOVE LOVED it! So glad you’re back! So worth the wait.

  10. Beth

    Damn it! The first thing I did was google ‘Girl from Swingers’. At work. holy shizite! So happy you’re back, I can breathe again. But can’t get past the fact you said you moved into your own Bachelor mansion. You said in above comment you’re still married. So what the hell is going on? I know I don’t know you and you might consider this borderline creepy, but I need to know. Partially because I’m concerned for you, partially because I’m nosy. Please fill me, I mean us, in.

    • admin

      I just called it a bachelor pad for themed. My wife and I moved into a new place. The moving made it impossible to blog in addition to carrying everything I own and also maintaining my job, which I love.

  11. Jackie

    I like the farmer guy too. His mom’s French braid and sweet personality won me over. I bet she makes a mean apple crisp.

    I hope babs teeth doesn’t find out she is actually related to failed baseball player guy. She looks an awful lot like his mom.

    Lovin’ the recapz.

  12. Candice

    Kudus on the tyypos. Loved loved… the ‘True Detective’ reference. Marquel blew his chances by going on that shitz Bachelor Paradise fest. Farmer Chris is easy on the eyes and loves his F bombs! Should be an interesting Bach season. Tractors >>>>>choppers 😉

  13. Mar

    If you have time to tweet, you have time to BachCap! C’MON!

  14. Katherine

    Why no post last week and nothing so far this week? I’m thisclose to deleting him from my bookmarks because it irritates me disproportionately when he doesn’t post. Such a high point of my week, usually. Checked twitter and didn’t see anything except “I’ll probably post tomorrow” on July 15th. I know he doesn’t give a sh*t what his readers think but I wanted to vent here regardless! 😉

    • Ashley

      Seriously dude, ABC rewards you with helicopters all season long and this is how you respond!!!!!! yer killin mehhhh. I want to know your thoughts on Nick’s creepy sex-shaming!

  15. Rachel

    While you obviously don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, if you commit to blogging about a show you should blog about all the episodes. Your blogs are incredible and are loved by so many. However, I find it disrespectful to suddenly end them without so much as a comment.

    • Katherine

      Rachel, I could not agree more. Sure, it’s a bit sad that I’m fired up over a (lack of a) blog about the Bachelorette, but I feel like a fool when I get excited to read Lost’s analysis and then there’s nothing for THREE weeks.

      If something’s going on in your life, sure. But another very popular Bachelor blogger, Jen Frase, announced a few weeks ago that due to a family medical situation, she MIGHT not be blogging the rest of the season. And apologized. And thanked people for being great readers. Totally respectful to her readers who looked forward to her column every week.

      Whatever, Lost. You’re deleted from my bookmarks. Off to read the other blogs who keep their commitments to entertain us!

        • admin

          Thanks for reading when you read and I hope your free content needs are adequately met elsewhere. I’ll remember our time fondly, but sometimes you are the one without the rose at the ceremony. I’ll now take my tear filled limo ride out of your life.

  16. Kristina

    oh my gosh, i miss your blog entries.

    please tell me you have some time to blog about the FAHNTAHSEESWEEETS and FINALE. PLEEAAZEE. the show is no good without your blog.

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