BachCap Week 4… And/Or 5

With the schedule returning to normal after a double shot of Bachelorette last week, we finally are getting to the point in the show that allows me to look forward to it. There are less people to remember, they start traveling to cultural locations that prove how uncultured you have to be to be considered for this show, they go to exotic locales where at least when they are saying things that make us all collectively dumber, they are half-naked and we can be judgmental about all of it.

This is like the playoff race. We’re done with the warm-ups, the early season gaffs. These are all potential playoff teams for the Divorce World Series and it’s time to take note.

The Traveling Meatsicle World Tour has what looks to be a windy landing in Marseilles, France until I realized these guys flew their on a Ryanair livestock puddle jumper from Heathrow. Yeah, right they’d pay for these guys to fly private unless the French government told them they couldn’t film inside the country and Harrison had to use his private coke smuggling jet to wing them in.

Okay. Maybe they flew private.

BABYTEETH™ has me wanted to rub a cheese grater on my face immediately as she must be contractually obligated to say “France” after any mention of Marseille, either because she was too drunk to remember where she was or the network’s faith in Americans knowing Marseille was in France is pretty low.

Either way, the French flag, a symbol of liberty and great charcuterie was flown at have mast. This was because the Bachelor is the worst thing to happen to France since Robespierre. Because BOOKS™.

Harrison shows up wearing a chain mail turtle neck just in case the Mountain comes back to life and he has to fight for Tyrion’s life. How many gram bags can he smuggle under that collar? Wow.

All I could think about is how Andi is one of those people that just go places in the world and eat the food and drink the wine and then feel like they now know something of a place, despite having no fucking clue where they really are, why it’s actually interesting or anything of the sort. Like Harry Potter is the first thing she thinks about when someone mentions London, despite that 90% of those stories take place in a fictional wizard castle you need to take a secret train to reach. The second thing she thinks about in London? It’s a tie between every Hugh Grant movie ever, even the ones where he’s in America because NOTTING HILL THO™.

First date goes to Crap Leinart who is STOKED™ to get a letter from a producer pretending to be Andi in French. We know it’s not from her because she can’t speak spanish, she can’t speak french. Really, her english is limited to getting drunk on dates and going STOOOOOOOOOP.

But seriously. Stop.

This date is just standard LOW TALKING™ in a tone that is pleasing to Andi, who despite saying he is a jock who is just her type and will likely cheat on her, she is like FUCK IT WINE and just gets hammered at which point, the tannins make he say “I DUN EVEN KNOW HOW TO OPEN MY EYES OR NOT LOVE YOU RIGHT NOW.”

He tries to tell us that he could still be playing baseball if he wanted, but instead he’s not. Don’t front. Those that can, do. I could still be playing as well. If Little League allowed me to sign up again. I get that you got drafted. But the fact that I am seeing you on a dating game and not in a Dodger game is all the proof I need that I WASN’T GONNA HAPPEN™.

Back at the crib, there’s a blank group date card, proving that these guys will OOH and AHH at anything. Even nothing.

The real news was when Panstapreneur, who still is apparently a thing, tell Marquel that the Social Media Marketer has called him a “blackie” or some version of racial comment. Marquel is the coolest person on the show and he takes this pretty well. At some point, I wonder why they even show this. It just points out the worst part of this show, that it’s a pageant of white folks bastardizing the concept of marriage. There are often complaints that there have no been more diverse Bachelors, or hey, even a same sex season, but in the end, there must be ratings somewhere that suggest the main audience only wants to see the sanctity of marriage destroyed by white people and the occasional sociopathic Juan Pablo.

Back on Andi’s date, she’s hammered and believing a bunch of bullshit coming out of Crap Leinart’s mouth. WHATEVER I LOVE YOU WHY CAN’T I OPNE MY EYYYYYES???

The group date is some weird miming thing that I just feel no need to comment on. They looked like morons. Andi barely dresses up because she is self conscious and drinking herself to death on TV, much like how Adam Richman one tried to kill himself with hot wings challenges on Man v Food.

Ellen DeGeneres hair Nick is a wet blanket on the date to prove he is ANTI GROUP DATES™ and I hear you man. But again. Come on.

Andi mimes “drinking” to end this terrible date, but mainly because she hadn’t had a drink in a couple hours, was starting to feel self conscious in that square full of French people.

The night date featured Andi trying to walk in heels drunk, which looked like she was snow-shoeing through the Ice Planet from Star Wars. Mrs. Doubtfire was more graceful in heels.

While she’s trying to walk places and not spill glass seven of pinot gris, Marquel is confronting Nick about the racism. Nick either lies or doesn’t lie, but either way Marquel is a good guy, way to good for this show.

On a less heavy not, pretty sure they had to blur Andi’s crotch because her wardrobe is SCANDALOUS™. Or she’s just drunk and forgetting the whole “if they aren’t pants, it’s just an open window” theory.

Time Is A Fat Circle seals his fate by telling Andi that Nick is a bad guy. See you later man. Good luck finding the man with green ears. Sean Bro does the same thing, except dressed like the girl from Willy Wonka midway through her transition into a blueberry.

While everyone else fights, Richolas Goscage goes in for the kill and does some of the best (read:worst) tongue kissing since Sean Lowe’s season.

Somehow, Pantstaprenuer gets the rose proving you can fail at life and win at this show. Keep dreaming.

Basketball Coach, or DeGinger Brody or just Homeland gets the one on one and they do the eat weird shit date followed by the LETSWATCHADISNEYMOVIE date and FUFUFUFU for it not being the Muppets.

No matter how bad the date was going, Andi got shitfaced again, potentially the shampoo effect, and ends up making out with him.

She decides NO to a cocktail party. Instead, she holds each rose like a glass of wine (or like Ricky Bobby’s hands when he’s interviewing in talladega) and then cuts Marquel, Social Media Racist and Possibly Dead Tall Guy.

Marquel is heartbreaking because he now knows racism = alive and well, at least on this show. Make him the next Bachelor. Prove you are better than this already.

Highlight of the show is Creepy Tall Guy who just says he’s head from multiple people NOT JUST GIRLS that he would make a perfect husband. And loves to make human bacon out of sleeping people’s faces. JAYSUS.

Next week, VENICE after Andi sleeps it off.

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39 Comments

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39 Responses to BachCap Week 4… And/Or 5

  1. krys

    Maybe I missed the nickmame but the “probably” racist guy is Andrew.

  2. Ashley

    Either you forgot to spell check/fact check before publishing or BABYTEETH™’s drinking habits are rubbing off on you.

    Let me know if you’re ever in need of a proofreader. I would love to add “Proofreader for the Funniest Shit Ever” to my resume.

    Love you. mean it

  3. Megan

    *[…]flew THERE on a Ryanair[…]
    Sorry…pet peeve of mine.

  4. BigTime

    I love you, truly, but I cant finish reading this due to typos.

  5. Trojan Girl

    Gotta agree with Ashley here … as much as I enjoy your articles, the egregious spelling errors make them hard to read and very irritating.

    C’mon man, live up to the Trojan Family name. Don’t make us look like idiots by opting out of spellcheck.

    • admin

      Politely, I live up with my job. The blog is for fun. And when I’m asked to read my blog for errors, that sounds not fun. By all means read something else, but glad to have you here.

  6. tj

    Dude you spit so much daylon “hot fire”.. That “I spit garbage and press send” is friggin calssic!!

  7. danaevyn

    Marquel’s officially on Bachelor in Paradise… Wish the show/he could have made better decisions (the show by making him the bachelor, he by running away…).

  8. liz

    This blog is hysterical! Been reading for two seasons now and it’s what makes this Bach franchise fun for me. Also, I don’t mind the typos a bit. Keep ’em up. Please tell me you’ve noticed Andi’s claw fingers! Or whatever you want to call the weird thing they do at the top joints. They can look horrifying when she holds a rose or gives a guy a hug.

  9. Megs

    A lot of your readers are dbags. I literally LOL when reading this shit. Who cares about spelling. #overrated. Keep on keepin’ on and thanks for the bright spot in my otherwise dull day.

  10. Anon

    The capitalized words with TM next to them are not enjoyable :(

  11. Krysta

    SERIOUSLY PEOPLE…spelling errors affect you enough to post about them!?!??!!? Lost Angeles, on behalf of your loyal followers, you keep doing what you do…I literally start checking tues morning for your latest post and get hella excited when its up!

  12. Sadye

    I’m sure I don’t get a vote, but….. if you’re still writing the recap for this week and you don’t have a nickname for Dylan, he totally admitted to not washing his hands after using the bathroom. He’s been officially nicknamed BATHROOM HANDS! in our household.

  13. JCW

    I’m pissed. I love this blog and have to think our leader is compelled to tell all of you persnickety punctuation nazi assholes to fuck off by withholding his weekly insights. What is wrong with you? Thanks for ruining my Tuesday.

  14. Victoria

    I’ve read your BachCap for a few years now and it has been the highlight of watching the show. Although, it seems like recently I’m not enjoying the posts quite as much. Don’t get me wrong, I love that you do this and entertain a multitude (including me) in doing so, but it kind of seems like you’re tired of it in your writing. I’m not talking spelling errors, I really don’t mind that, but rather it seems like you’re just trying to get it over with rather than the witty commentary I read in the past. It sounds like you’re more bitter than entertained by it all. I still really enjoy reading the posts, but just wondered if maybe you’ve noticed the change as well.

  15. Arlene

    Dear Bearfighter,
    I’m making a public plea to you – please don’t ever become too cool to do bachcaps. Most of the fun of watching this trainwreck show is to read the hilarious commentary from bloggers the next day. Over the past couple of seasons, other bloggers (though none as hilarious as you) have become “too cool” to keep up with the coke adventures of Chris Harrison and the (previously-rejected, but now stars of the show ) overnight “celebrities” we call Bachelors/Bachelorettes. Please don’t disappoint me like these other bloggers. Because if you become too cool for bachcaps, I’ll have to become too cool for this show, and then what will I watch on Monday nights while I’m drinking? As Trojans, it’s our duty to fight on.
    FTFO,
    Arlene

  16. GoDodgers!

    We miss you this week! Plus, the Doyers are playing well despite the Lincecum no-no! Come back! Come back!

  17. Kelen

    Have you noticed the abnormal amount of male bracelets this season? Can you please address this horrendous trend. Thx!

  18. Mar

    Where are you? I need you to tell me more things about the show I already watched because you make this show worth watching. I miss your BachCap :(

  19. ba

    Possibly dead tall guy…that was a good one dude

  20. Beth

    Where are your last 2 weeks worth of blogs?!?!? I check constantly for my dose of your funny shit, and I can’t find them. Please don’t tell me you’re not going to blog the last 2 episodes. I love all of your garbage that you spit – misspellings, TM’s, typos and all!

  21. Rosebarf

    We need our weekly dose of snark hilarity! So much content: Scarf- barfs, pro baseballers, front runner wannabes and the usual douche nozzles and coke snorter. and please dont proof read. Waste of time. Peace.

  22. Britt

    I am incredibly sad to not see new bachcaps! They are a highlight of my week and the bachelor/bachelorette just isn’t the same without someone pointing out all of the ridiculous and stupid things from each episode in a mocking fashion.
    Please do not deprive us any further of your hilarity!

  23. BigTime

    He’s pissed that everyone harped on him for his typos. He has gone into hiding.

  24. Tara

    Come back! I find myself not at all excited for Monday night TV watching anymore because I won’t have your bachcaps on Tuesday morning. If you don’t want to do it for us (your fans) do it for the FAHN TAH SEE SWEEETSS!

    Also, I think you should read Courtney’s book and do a review. Just sayin.

  25. Meghan

    This season is a joke. The Bachcaps are all I have left. PUH-LEEEEASE keep going. *insert pathetic begging face emoticon*

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