It’s The End of The Juan As We Know It… And I Feel Fine.

I think this was the critical juncture. The strings of the marionette were exposed. I am not sure how to proceed. The Death-Eaters producing this show almost came out looking rosy. The Bachelor killed Chris Harrison’s high. The parade of former contestants got no screen time because this operation went FUBAR. This was Vietnam. It was hell.

But let’s be linear, even if time is a flat circle. If Harrison is the Yellow King, then Wapalo is just a creep making snuff films in the bayou.

AIJAIAIAIAIIAAIAI. St. Lucia. Ess perfect, man. I can’t listen to Wapalo describe anything anymore. In the morning, he gets his chilaquiles (I know, he’s Venezuelan, Twin Peak Fire Walk With Me already) and just goes “oooOOOOoohhh, I liiiikeeetttt” and makes a stupid face at you. That’s life. That’s what Crickets and JDLC are competing for. The loser goes home to heal, the winner goes home to bleed with a sociopath.

Crickets rolls up doing super aggressive even for her eyebrow and lip spasms as she talks about how “hot” it is that Wapalo is a Dad. Because nothing is hotter than a dude who was such a dick his wife left him and now he uses his child to keep women around after he has sex with them and shames them for doing so. So hot. Frankly, even as a straight guy, I’m so turned on it’s hard to see the screen.

His family comes out and frankly, they all seem pretty nice, even Rodolfo, who has to live with a homophobic cousin. Another cool thing is that their particular accents sound like Nacho Libre’s tag team partner Esqueleto. Close your eyes and listen. You can hear them saying “I don’t believe in God, I believe in science.” Need to watch that movie again.

Nacho-and-Esqueleto-1600-1200

 

What’s so weird though is that the family all unanimously say Wapalo is a dick who “runs” from relationships and is “hard” to deal with. Basically, they are here to smile and tell these girls to get gas at the next truck stop because this is going to be a bad scene from a horror movie.

Somehow Crickets is relieved about this, but mostly because she flipped the “I hear what I want” switch weeks ago. Folks, you know that switch. You’ve all done it. This is why you shouldn’t. Even worse, Wapalo’s dad says he’ll be her dad, which triggered all the daddy issues she has going on. Defcon 1, meltdown status imminent.

Nikki rolls in, this time with a conservative 70% of her boobs covered. She gets the same speeches from the family. Again, I hear what I want. I am surely the one to stop this sociopath from being so… Sociopathy. Wapalo likes kids because you can hug kids, smile at them, ask them random questions and they love you. He applies the same model to women, plus sex and besitos, and in the end, this is what is disturbing. He is great with children and bad with women because he thinks they are just older children you can have sex with.

Then a weird part. Wapalo seemingly says he loves Nikki. Given that it was whispered in aijaijai broken english and what happened on ATFR, it seems impossible. But we rewinded it twice. He said it. #headfuck

Back in LA, Harrison calls himself out on his use of “the most controversial season of the Bachelor ever” and I just kinda loved the guy for it. Sure, I call him an international drug trafficker, but I do that because I want to go on that journey with him. I’ll smuggle with him. It’ll be the best buddy movie since I Love You, Man and frankly the both of us can wear a suit like the desert misses the rain. You’d enjoy it more than this show or this blog.

Finally, a fucking helicopter. The more I think of it, the more I think they just held out on him. And I get why. The minute this rapey slut shamer gets a girl in a helicopter her tells her that he barely knows her but he “loves fucking her” which would be conjecture if Clare didn’t literally say it out loud when things go wrote.

Note to the show. Talk about sex. I get not doing it when things go great and being subtle. But when people are in the ocean boning and people are talking dirty in an helicopter, we need to get it. Having sex in the ocean and then blaming a girl for it and then later telling her he doesn’t know her but loves fucking her (his words, not mine) is a lot different than “swimming in the ocean and then saying some offbeat remarks.” That’s like saying the Nazis were touring Paris. #historicalreference #comaparedthisshowtoWWII

They skip the rest of this date, robbing us of the vacation we won’t get to go on this year and instead, Crickets opts to confront Wapalo, which is Sacramento for “talk shit until he says anything back and then blindly forgive him and explain impossibly how his non-statement removed all doubts.”

When she starts addressing the slut shaming, the going back on “no kissing” he just tells her “don’t blame me.” Marriage to this guy seems fucking awful. He just factually says “I’m listening” then says “I’m just being honest” and then tears your guts out. It’s like the Ricky Bobby move where he says “with all due respect” and then talks mad shit thinking if you say “with all due respect,” fucking fire away bro. This guy is so much worse than even how we’re explaining him. Most girls on Women Tell All hated because he didn’t pick them. He’s so much worse than that.

He just plays their song, lip syncs and she magically forgives him and then besitos fest 2009.

Every time I think Clare is going to be the hero, she just tumbles back down the stairs drunk.

Nikki rolls to her date in at least 1/3 of a bikini (gracias, besitos) and tries to get any assurance from El Sociópathíco about what he’s feeling, but he at this point just doesn’t care at all. He has abandoned the mission. I felt like maybe all the crying when girls would leave, the crying that made him seem so enduring, was really just the shedding of tears of people leaving his cult.

clare-crawley-bachelor-finale

Nikki asks what’ll happen when they don’t have private beaches to go to. His response was he’ll watch TV at home. She says not all the time. He says that sometimes he’ll watch baseball at his office. Sometimes he’ll beat you. And sometimes when you write him a heartfelt note, he’ll just make out with you instead because besitos make the world go round.

I knew the final proposal event was going to be bad because they played no music and beyond a quick ring shop, Neil Lane didn’t trot his freaky botox face out. Wapalo was like, fuck you, I’ll hold a ring but I either give it back or pawn it. Fuck you Neil Lane. Neil Lane was at the damn grown sexy douche wedding. If he doesn’t make a cameo, it’s because shit was gonna hit that fence.

Clare gets off the meat wagon and Wapalo let’s her flagellate before killing her. A little gumption from her and she refuses his affection, which was smart because he says he was “glad he didn’t pick her,” confirming he is that guy many of you have dated who just hits it and doesn’t have the courtesy of quitting it. He just doesn’t study for the tests, pay attention in class, or do anything to act like he cares until you settle for being a small, meaningless piece of his small, meaningless life or you get out on your own and he can blame you for it. Which helps with the next girl. He has a daughter, you know. He can’t be picky enough. It’s for Camila.

Girl readers. Sorry to out guys. But keeping it real, this is a real thing. It’s a real thing to have your insecurities fed off of and your natural competitive nature taken advantage of. Wapalo is a pretty normal variety of super turd. There’s one in every public bathroom. He’s not the devil. He’s just proof that women aren’t any different than men when you don’t listen to what a boy says because he’s hot. Sound familiar?

douche

douche

Clare just drops the line and we heard it. Wapalo is the dude who disses you and tells you he likes having sex with you. She snaps and peaces out and I liked her for a minute. The live audience cheered. It was like when Will Smith punches the fucking alien in Independence Day. People went crazy.

Nikki comes out and gives Wapalo her heart and he says no ring, no nothing. Which would be fine if not for what happened on ATFR.

Opera Singer, while right, was just so “fuck off” because he seemingly wanted her which gave her this holier than thou right to talk about him like she was smart enough to turn him down. Only she made out with him on national television. She gets credit for not being the kind of person who doesn’t see through a reality television show, but I mean, let’s be real. In the end, Wapalo wasn’t marrying her either. He just wanted to see if he could seduce a smart girl and then do the same shit to her. Her folly is thinking she’s special. He’s a sociopath. He’s the only star of his play. Even Andi, our new Bachelorette with the tiny razor teeth still wanted Wapalo to tell her she was special. It started with venom, but then it was more like “so why didn’t you want to know about my life?”

clare-bachelor-finale-w352

Because you aren’t special and he doesn’t fucking care. This show unintentionally got into the world of REAL dating and I don’t know if I like it. Fucking Chris looked like he was going to cry sitting next to Des. Sean Lowe, who is the biggest celebrity whore on earth, wanted to beat down Wapalo.

But it’s for not adhering to this show’s fucked up hilarious fantasy vision of Hunger Games courting. And that’s okay, but now we have to look behind the curtain.

It’s a world where your insecurities are used against you as weapons and asking for truth in the world leads to heartbreak. This trains people to pull the wool over their own eyes as if being alone was so terrible.

JUAN PABLO GALAVIS

I am very happily married. My wife is my best friend. We’re equally comfortable eating fast food on a road trip as crossing off every Eater 38 restaurant in the country. We’re gross together, we dress up together. We argue, we’re allowed to say whatever we want. We’re not perfect. But we’re allowed to be ourselves. We make business decisions. We’re a little company that sells love (and reasonably priced knock off Pendleton blankets).

This show is famous for creating a system that is less effective than randomly finding a spouse (which is incredible considering the divorce rate). But this season, we saw what happens when the real world finds its way into the fantasy suite.

What we got this time wasn’t a closeted airline pilot or a “born-again-virgin” or any of the other weirdos that join this normally funny traveling cheap chardonnay road show. This year we got a standard issue, dime a dozen douchebag.

sweet infinity scarf

sweet infinity scarf

His accent fooled us. His looks made women do anything to ignore the signs. His daughter made it seem like he cared. His crying at sending girls home made it seems like he had feelings.

But this kind of douche is in every bar in the country and he’s spending more time on his abs than becoming the kind of person a girl might want to be with. And thank god for him because it’s the Wapalos of the world that allow dudes like me to get wives like I have. I’m not perfect, but this guy is the one-word nightclub of humans.

He said on the show that people hide behind computers and throw stones. We’re not hiding, pal. Happy to invite you to Portland and chat about it. And this picture:

rs_634x1024-130806112054-634.JuanPablo4.mh.080613

 

And this one, you starfucker:

rs_600x600-140106091808-600.Juan-Pablo-Galavis-Cameron-Diaz-Instagram-jmd-010614_copy

 

I’m the first to criticize this show, but Grown Sexy had it right. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. You went on this show TWO TIMES. You want the attention. You want control over Nikki and you told Harrison you had some surprise, but then reneged on the show. And you pissed off Chris Harrison and that sucks. Just like this picture:

juan-pablo-682x1024

 

You are a dime a dozen and shame on you and shame on America for expecting anything different. The whole thing is so bad. Bad enough even Chris Harrison said he was glad to be moving on.

That makes two of us.

Next year, let me write the story arch. Let me pick the Bachelor. I’ll fix it. If the Bachelorette doesn’t make us all jump off a cliff. I’ve never gotten so many “FUCK THIS SHOW” emails, tweets, etc from fans.

The helicopter is in your court, Bachelor.

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20 Comments

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20 Responses to It’s The End of The Juan As We Know It… And I Feel Fine.

  1. Elizabeth

    Thank you for another great season!

  2. TJ

    Ahhhhhh, finally I have closure. Thanks for articulating all that was cringe worthy this season.

  3. make Chris Harrison the bachelor. BOOM.

  4. katie o

    That was epic. And poetic! A thing of beauty, that recap. Thank you!

  5. Amy M

    Excellent. I can’t wait to see what the pointy prosecutor has in store for us. My head says she’ll be boring, but my heart says fuck it, I’m not stopping now.
    *slow clap*

  6. Annie

    By far the most frustrating season. The only silver lining was being able to read you recaps, thank you for another wonderful season!

  7. Jackie

    If only Matthew and Woody were there to stop the Yellow King before he besito’d one more woman.

  8. Sheila

    You are so right on the mark about this douche. Listening to him speak makes me ill. Some people are giving Chris Harrison a hard time for badgering Wapalo into saying something, ANYTHING, to Nikki on ATFR. But I agree with you – the bachelor knew the premise of the show and got paid to share his “adventure” with the public. So finish playing the part, you idiot.

    I would pay good money to see you and Harrison in a buddy movie – but even more than that, a face-off between you and Wapalo! That would be epic, indeed! Love your blog!

  9. Ash

    It’s interesting because several (or all) of these people who go on this show, do it for attention and for fame, (and if they do get hitched well then that is just a bonus for them) but 10 million people hate this guy now, so not only did he break naive girls hearts (and one was an attorney! who is now the next Bachelorette) but he ruined his chances for a good reputation in Hollywood. Complete moron. Bye bye Morronomo.

  10. Michelle

    “But this season, we saw what happens when the real world finds its way into the fantasy suite.”

    Standing applause.

    Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I read a lot of articles of people wondering why all these women were so deluded by JP and didn’t realize he was a grade A asshole, but let me tell you, most women I know have been in those stilettos before. Juan Paoblo is not a rarity. There’s a whole culture of it out there. The ONLY thing I’ll give Juan Paoblo credit for is that he didn’t hide the douche till after the show was over. He was a true, honest douche the entire season.

    We’ve all dated this guy, ladies (and some gents as well). So lets all collectively DUMP him. Buh Bye WAPALO!

  11. AJ

    The Ricky Bobby thing. You nailed it. Best blog ever!!!

  12. MaryBods

    Zak, I just started reading your site this season….I am more excited to read your blogs than to watch the show! I feel the same way u do about his fake tearless when the few girls dumped him. The only reason he was sad was, well, because he didn’t get a chance to screw them. This show is such a joke, but at least we get to live in a fantasy for a hour a week. Andy should of shot him during her hometown. Hell, she’s a ADA, she could of found a way to justify the shooting as an accident, and gotten off Scott free. Not to sure there would of been to much of a backlash there.
    Anyway, glad u got a great wife. Can’t imagine what she has to go through with a hubby like you! Kudos to her.
    And don’t you dear quit writing these blogs, one season shouldn’t break you forever!

  13. Jennifer

    I almost spit water all over my bed laughing when I saw Sean turning more and more into Purple Hulk as the show continued. Meanwhile Chris Harrison couldn’t even wait until he was out of camera shot to assumingly go take a few Xanex just to keep from bitchslapping Wapolo in his smug seat. lolololol

  14. Madmarkus

    El Sociopathio. That’s the tits right there.

  15. Haley

    This season was a stunning mess and your write-up here is…just the cherry on top.

    This made me laugh out loud at work:
    “What we got this time wasn’t a closeted airline pilot or a “born-again-virgin” or any of the other weirdos that join this normally funny traveling cheap chardonnay road show. This year we got a standard issue, dime a dozen douchebag.”

    Bravo and thanks for the recaps.

  16. ElksUO

    Awesome! Also agree with sg that Chris Harrison should become the next bachelor:)

  17. Maria

    I stumbled across this wonderful video of our boy (barf). Buzzfeed didn’t disappoint just like you never do with your blogs (http://www.buzzfeed.com/lyapalater/turns-out-juan-pablo-is-a-serial-relationship-montage-video). Please do not give it up. I cannot get thru it without you and I’m dying to hear your comments on sharp tooth (my nickname for Andi – but razor teeth is hilarious). You have a lot of love from Canada so keep it up!!!! Thanks for always keeping me giggling. Xxo

  18. IHeartLostAngelesAmy

    I love you.

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