I am fucking tired of this format. I am tired of eight night premieres, no helicopters, virtually no Chris Harrison, unintelligible dialogue and the same “Iseeeee” or “ay jai jai” or “Iliiiiikeeeeet” every time. In what started out potentially being the best season, we have fallen so far that I literally am doubting if I want to cover the show anymore. And I mean actually, not in that I have to get drunk to make love to this show kind of way. In that, I’m tired of watching videos of abused animals to Sarah McLachlan songs way.
Maybe next season there will be a reason, but no helicopters and a homophobic, misogynistic and faker bachelor who repeats the same thing over and over is leading me just to one conclusion: This show kind of sucks now.
Not in the fun way it used to suck. Just in the way the House of Lies sucks now. Or in the way that getting a prostate exam sucks. Like, I can’t even enjoy the tropical locations or the highlighter colored outfits. I need something redeeming because I want to attack my television every time it is on.
I hold out a little hope. Besitos.
But I do love you, my passionate following, because you are the reason for me. So, let’s just do the damn thing and don’t get pissed at me if I literally go to a subscription model next year because I literally need to get paid to do this if there’s no helicopters.
Seriously, share this, yell at producers, motivate me. This season jumped the shark which is crazy because this is a show about jumping sharks. I need follows, likes, shares, compliments (fished or farmed). Consider me an insecure 15 year old girl. That’s how this show has made me feel.
Off to KANSAS CITY (Kansas or Mizzou?) to see the true location of Dawson’s Creek with Joey Dawson Love Child. Her skin was looking way better so I know for certain she went to the dermo and said “give me the nuclear option, I know the risks and I’ll sign a waiver.”
They went and ate some barbecue, which is a good call in KC, and then went to ride a mechanical bull together. Just to be clear to Wapalo, who is the worst dude ever, that dual riding of a mechanical bull is actually a worse image for Camila than underwater ocean sex. Want to know why? When she grows up, if she condones and adopts the actions of this show, which she will because her daddy did these things, you’d rather her be with the kind of guy who can afford to take her to a private beach than the dude whose idea of foreplay is Jim Beam shots with a beer back followed by a moonlight dual mechanical bull ride in the south in front of a bunch of drunk Chiefs fans.
Which he’d know if he really had a job working with athletes.
Let’s see. Her mom was good looking minus the mom cut and her dad was basically Ray Liotta. He gave a great answer to the “will you give me your blessing” question. He’s like, if she’s in, I’m in. Basically, I love my daughter, I think you are a ponzi.
I mean the big theme this week was “Dad knows the guy sucks just like America does.” No amount of crying and tear wiping will change that, Wapalo. I’m ready for you to be as depressing as Jake Pavelka is to us now. Fire up some Avicii, need you to FADE INTO DARKNESS, bro. Your show is canceled.
The DA’s hometown in ATL was immediately great because her nickname is Pookie. That’s all.
They go shoot guns and the producers tried to make it seem like Wapalo couldn’t hit a target ten feet away. They invented the gun so killing someone at ten feet was almost idiot proof. Stop fronting. There’s nothing cute about him, this or a gun shooting date. I’m not anti gun shooting, but WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE HELICOPTERS? IS THERE A HELICOPTER UNION STRIKE I HAVEN’T HEAR ABOUT?
Beyond his name being Hy, which I’m pretty sure came from a nickname related to taking the V cards of a lot of girls, this dude was doing the “Imma kill you sweats” from the get go. I would not want to hang at that dinner table, but I made a point in life of only eating dinner at the houses of women I respected or never slept with. Wapalo and the answers he gives to everything are the kind that would set any dad off. If I was like that to my father in law, I would have lost respect for him if he DIDN’T punch me through the face and yank out my brainstem.
Daughters, don’t bring dudes home that aren’t the one. That’s messed up. Like no helicopters messed up.
Hy’s answer to Wapalo was the best ever. Basically, you have a daughter dating a guy who has 3 girls. Don’t fucking ask me for permission until you kill the other girls and we’re talking in a helicopter. Stop wasting my time. I want to kill you. Soccer sucks.
Gonna gloss over Maniston’s hometown because I love her, her kid, her parents and her silent but lovely brother as well. Her son throws a baseball great which means either she taught him or she is kind to her ex or her dad and bro are taking care of it. I just wish they didn’t introduce the kid to Wapalo. It’s so clear she is better than him. I don’t want this kid anywhere near her. I have a wife and we both agreed we’d help her raise this kid. He was like the dude from Ratatouille. Who didn’t like that guy?
I hope America can deal with her being smart and sporty (not an Emily Maynard), because I think she could be Bachelorette and she’d make great decisions and actually find a great dude who’d love to step into a nice family and a loving wife. Somewhere out there, that’s the point. And helicopters, of which there are none.
Crickets date is in some roseless rose garden, which explains Sacramento to anyone that hasn’t gotten my references. Crickets’ house is like a brothel. It’s just a billion women of different genetic combinations, Claire being the best combo. Well, other than her mom who seems like the best one. Like at any moment if a helicopter was available, she’d have jumped on it and GTFO.
I don’t know what her one sister was doing with the ultimate cockblock, but considering how much Wapalo sucks and how brainwashed Crickets is, she was probably doing him a favor. Besitos.
The main thing is that her mother is fluent in Spanish. HOW THE FUCK IS CRICKETS UNABLE TO PRONOUNCE ANY SPANISH? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE TO GROW UP IN CALIFORNIA WITH A SPANISH SPEAKING MOM AND NOT LEARN?
He sends home Maniston (thank god for her) and she turns out to be a pretty crier. If she wants to contact me, I am happy to set her up with a fucking winner who would take her in a helicopter and everything.
FAH TAH SEE SWEETS!
Off to helicopterless St. Lucia to the dope ass Viceroy Sugar Beach (my nickname in high school) (also, my wife just closed the browser).
The Crickets date has solidified that Swimming In The Ocean is the new “we had sex.” Like, if you go on a nice date you should ask your partner if they feel like swimming in the ocean or if they are too tired from work to tread water or too bloated and need to wait thirty minutes before swimming. I mean, not to be disgusting but there is some “attracting sharks” excuse for, well, you know for when.
Claire does the thing where she acts like she has a backbone and then just gets naked and hooks up. Here’s the thing. She is who I want to win. She is the only one who just doesn’t care about anything a normal person would (like helicopters) and just pretty much wants Wapalo. And in any marriage it is more important what goes on between the involved parties than how we see it. She’s all in. She’s his best chance for love, even though I have one fuck to spare for his aventura.
Andi had a waterfall date. Yawn.
What was amazing though was a Bachelor first (for me at least in my 6 or so seasons) in that she basically woke up and said what we were all thinking. He’s selfish, boring, misogynistic, name-dropping and totally not into helicopters. She was just like “I’m out” and that did it for me. Hy, her father, literally high fived his buddies because he “dadded” the shit out of his daughter. It’s like the boxer you train knocking a dude out. I hope I have that feeling one day when I train my daughter to hate you future children boys of millenials.
Nikki dresses in “cowboy hooker” attire. She’s mastered the tight top at the perfect latitude for optimal cleavage. They ride some horses. She tells him she loves him. Whatever.
No helicopters later, Andi decides she’s going to let Wapalo have it, and she does… Until she goes typical girl and basically begs him to convince her otherwise, that she WAS special. I was so into her gumption until then. She got it back in the car and I guess breaking up is hard to do. I can’t say I was any better, we all want validation. Here’s hoping she does what other smart people do, find a better model that likes you more and post tons of pics to social media about how happy you are. Andi, just go put some perps in jail, keep being you and you will be great. Fuck him and his lack of helicopters.
Side note, he is GOOD at breaking up with girls. It was like trying to catch smoke. That’s a warning sign, FYI. A dude who expects the Muppets has been to a lot of puppet shows, bro. Yafeel me?
Rose ceremony was only funny because Nikki was like I NEED AN ANSWER NYOW and then she was like “whatever, abs.”
I WILL NOT BE COVERING THIS WOMEN TELL ALL.
But I will be there for you at the 13 part finale. And hopefully that’s the end of this.
And I saw the helicopter in the preview but I’m not convinced until I see it and I get the triumphant bachelor theme music. This has been a Batman film without a Batmobile like object.