BachCap Chad Ochocinco

I am fucking tired of this format. I am tired of eight night premieres, no helicopters, virtually no Chris Harrison, unintelligible dialogue and the same “Iseeeee” or “ay jai jai” or “Iliiiiikeeeeet” every time. In what started out potentially being the best season, we have fallen so far that I literally am doubting if I want to cover the show anymore. And I mean actually, not in that I have to get drunk to make love to this show kind of way. In that, I’m tired of watching videos of abused animals to Sarah McLachlan songs way.

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Maybe next season there will be a reason, but no helicopters and a homophobic, misogynistic and faker bachelor who repeats the same thing over and over is leading me just to one conclusion: This show kind of sucks now.

Not in the fun way it used to suck. Just in the way the House of Lies sucks now. Or in the way that getting a prostate exam sucks. Like, I can’t even enjoy the tropical locations or the highlighter colored outfits. I need something redeeming because I want to attack my television every time it is on.

I hold out a little hope. Besitos.

But I do love you, my passionate following, because you are the reason for me. So, let’s just do the damn thing and don’t get pissed at me if I literally go to a subscription model next year because I literally need to get paid to do this if there’s no helicopters.

Seriously, share this, yell at producers, motivate me. This season jumped the shark which is crazy because this is a show about jumping sharks. I need follows, likes, shares, compliments (fished or farmed). Consider me an insecure 15 year old girl. That’s how this show has made me feel.

HOMETOWN DATES!

Off to KANSAS CITY (Kansas or Mizzou?) to see the true location of Dawson’s Creek with Joey Dawson Love Child. Her skin was looking way better so I know for certain she went to the dermo and said “give me the nuclear option, I know the risks and I’ll sign a waiver.”

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They went and ate some barbecue, which is a good call in KC, and then went to ride a mechanical bull together. Just to be clear to Wapalo, who is the worst dude ever, that dual riding of a mechanical bull is actually a worse image for Camila than underwater ocean sex. Want to know why? When she grows up, if she condones and adopts the actions of this show, which she will because her daddy did these things, you’d rather her be with the kind of guy who can afford to take her to a private beach than the dude whose idea of foreplay is Jim Beam shots with a beer back followed by a moonlight dual mechanical bull ride in the south in front of a bunch of drunk Chiefs fans.

Which he’d know if he really had a job working with athletes.

Let’s see. Her mom was good looking minus the mom cut and her dad was basically Ray Liotta. He gave a great answer to the “will you give me your blessing” question. He’s like, if she’s in, I’m in. Basically, I love my daughter, I think you are a ponzi.

I mean the big theme this week was “Dad knows the guy sucks just like America does.” No amount of crying and tear wiping will change that, Wapalo. I’m ready for you to be as depressing as Jake Pavelka is to us now. Fire up some Avicii, need you to FADE INTO DARKNESS, bro. Your show is canceled.

zero-helicopter-by-hector-del-amo1

The DA’s hometown in ATL was immediately great because her nickname is Pookie. That’s all.

They go shoot guns and the producers tried to make it seem like Wapalo couldn’t hit a target ten feet away. They invented the gun so killing someone at ten feet was almost idiot proof. Stop fronting. There’s nothing cute about him, this or a gun shooting date. I’m not anti gun shooting, but WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE HELICOPTERS? IS THERE A HELICOPTER UNION STRIKE I HAVEN’T HEAR ABOUT?

Beyond his name being Hy, which I’m pretty sure came from a nickname related to taking the V cards of a lot of girls, this dude was doing the “Imma kill you sweats” from the get go. I would not want to hang at that dinner table, but I made a point in life of only eating dinner at the houses of women I respected or never slept with. Wapalo and the answers he gives to everything are the kind that would set any dad off. If I was like that to my father in law, I would have lost respect for him if he DIDN’T punch me through the face and yank out my brainstem.

Daughters, don’t bring dudes home that aren’t the one. That’s messed up. Like no helicopters messed up.

Hy’s answer to Wapalo was the best ever. Basically, you have a daughter dating a guy who has 3 girls. Don’t fucking ask me for permission until you kill the other girls and we’re talking in a helicopter. Stop wasting my time. I want to kill you. Soccer sucks.

heli

Gonna gloss over Maniston’s hometown because I love her, her kid, her parents and her silent but lovely brother as well. Her son throws a baseball great which means either she taught him or she is kind to her ex or her dad and bro are taking care of it. I just wish they didn’t introduce the kid to Wapalo. It’s so clear she is better than him. I don’t want this kid anywhere near her. I have a wife and we both agreed we’d help her raise this kid. He was like the dude from Ratatouille. Who didn’t like that guy?

I hope America can deal with her being smart and sporty (not an Emily Maynard), because I think she could be Bachelorette and she’d make great decisions and actually find a great dude who’d love to step into a nice family and a loving wife. Somewhere out there, that’s the point. And helicopters, of which there are none.

Crickets date is in some roseless rose garden, which explains Sacramento to anyone that hasn’t gotten my references. Crickets’ house is like a brothel. It’s just a billion women of different genetic combinations, Claire being the best combo. Well, other than her mom who seems like the best one. Like at any moment if a helicopter was available, she’d have jumped on it and GTFO.

I don’t know what her one sister was doing with the ultimate cockblock, but considering how much Wapalo sucks and how brainwashed Crickets is, she was probably doing him a favor. Besitos.

The main thing is that her mother is fluent in Spanish. HOW THE FUCK IS CRICKETS UNABLE TO PRONOUNCE ANY SPANISH? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE TO GROW UP IN CALIFORNIA WITH A SPANISH SPEAKING MOM AND NOT LEARN?

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He sends home Maniston (thank god for her) and she turns out to be a pretty crier. If she wants to contact me, I am happy to set her up with a fucking winner who would take her in a helicopter and everything.

FAH TAH SEE SWEETS!

Off to helicopterless St. Lucia to the dope ass Viceroy Sugar Beach (my nickname in high school) (also, my wife just closed the browser).

The Crickets date has solidified that Swimming In The Ocean is the new “we had sex.” Like, if you go on a nice date you should ask your partner if they feel like swimming in the ocean or if they are too tired from work to tread water or too bloated and need to wait thirty minutes before swimming. I mean, not to be disgusting but there is some “attracting sharks” excuse for, well, you know for when.

Thanks Bachelor!

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Claire does the thing where she acts like she has a backbone and then just gets naked and hooks up. Here’s the thing. She is who I want to win. She is the only one who just doesn’t care about anything a normal person would (like helicopters) and just pretty much wants Wapalo. And in any marriage it is more important what goes on between the involved parties than how we see it. She’s all in. She’s his best chance for love, even though I have one fuck to spare for his aventura.

Andi had a waterfall date. Yawn.

What was amazing though was a Bachelor first (for me at least in my 6 or so seasons) in that she basically woke up and said what we were all thinking. He’s selfish, boring, misogynistic, name-dropping and totally not into helicopters. She was just like “I’m out” and that did it for me. Hy, her father, literally high fived his buddies because he “dadded” the shit out of his daughter. It’s like the boxer you train knocking a dude out. I hope I have that feeling one day when I train my daughter to hate you future children boys of millenials.

Nikki dresses in “cowboy hooker” attire. She’s mastered the tight top at the perfect latitude for optimal cleavage. They ride some horses. She tells him she loves him. Whatever.

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No helicopters later, Andi decides she’s going to let Wapalo have it, and she does… Until she goes typical girl and basically begs him to convince her otherwise, that she WAS special. I was so into her gumption until then. She got it back in the car and I guess breaking up is hard to do. I can’t say I was any better, we all want validation. Here’s hoping she does what other smart people do, find a better model that likes you more and post tons of pics to social media about how happy you are. Andi, just go put some perps in jail, keep being you and you will be great. Fuck him and his lack of helicopters.

Side note, he is GOOD at breaking up with girls. It was like trying to catch smoke. That’s a warning sign, FYI. A dude who expects the Muppets has been to a lot of puppet shows, bro. Yafeel me?

Rose ceremony was only funny because Nikki was like I NEED AN ANSWER NYOW and then she was like “whatever, abs.”

I WILL NOT BE COVERING THIS WOMEN TELL ALL.

But I will be there for you at the 13 part finale. And hopefully that’s the end of this.

And I saw the helicopter in the preview but I’m not convinced until I see it and I get the triumphant bachelor theme music. This has been a Batman film without a Batmobile like object.

FIX IT.

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50 Comments

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50 Responses to BachCap Chad Ochocinco

  1. Jessa

    Dude, I know there were no helicopters this year, but technically you are making money from this since you have advertising on your blog. As a Northern Californian who hates the Dodgers & USC, BachCaps are the ONLY reason I visit, and I’m guessing it’s similar for a good portion of your traffic. Get Chris Harrison to fedex some opiates and reeeeelax while you consider abandoning the Bach franchise.

  2. Stephanie

    Do not stop covering the Bachelor! My favorite part about watching this cray cray show are your recaps! This season has been a let down, but I’m hoping Andi or Renee’s season – and know it will be better! (my attempt at a helicopter below)

    +
    O–0

    • Kim

      Do not quit on me! I can’t fill my Bach addiction without these recaps to state what I’m thinking in the funniest way possible… Your recaps are my favorite part of this craziness!!!

  3. I called Andi, she’s still straight and performing badassery in Hotlanta. (Call me, A.) You know I’m pulling for Crickets because, SACramento. And Nikki? Nikita? There’s something anti-Russian about her style…you know, like her almost-nakedness in every ep. I could only do this Bach adventure with you and Blantons.

    Because, helicopters.

  4. please I beg you

    Please Please don’t stop covering The Bach. I don’t even like to watch it unless I know I can read your blog the next day. I AM BEGGING YOU.

  5. Beth

    I’m totally in your agreement with your assessment of Waplo. He is the absolute worst choice ABC could have made for the Bachelor because:

    1) he is not a nice guy
    2) his forehead wrinkles when he is “thinking” or “listening” in a weird way that makes him appear to have a unibrow but made from skin
    3) he has very effeminate mannerisms which seems odd when he is making anti-gay comments to the media
    4) you called it with his slut shaming, wtf…

    This show is god awful, but I am hooked and I need your recaps. It is what I look forward to more than anything. Please continue to write your witty observations to the world and I’ll start a petition for helicopters.

  6. Kelly

    This blog is the only reason I’m still watching this season. I have definitely laughed out loud in class while reading the posts, which apparently law school teachers do not like… Thanks, Zack!

  7. sidney b

    strong post, boo. very strong.

  8. Jen

    Please don’t stop writing recaps! This is the first season I have read your blog, but between the Dawson/Joey love child reference and the Sarah McLachlan dog joke, I am fan for life…..seriously.

  9. Vicky

    I will pay money to read this every season. Forever. Never stop! I haven’t laughed this hard in a month.

  10. Jennifer

    Don’t stop! You crack me up!

  11. Michelle

    I simply cannot wait any longer for this man to get off of my television and to disappear into a black hole like portal that removes him from our society altogether. I am equally as anxious for helicopters to come back in style cause I have so missed them.

    With that being said you’re never allowed to stop covering the bachelor/ette seasons. (Insert whatever lovey gushy obsessive verbiage you need here to ensure that never happens). We cannot survive without your humor.

  12. Emma

    Please don’t stop covering the show!! Your recaps are the best thing about it!!! Wapalo was the worst but please don’t give up on helicopters & hot tubs!

  13. lisa

    Z-
    Profound sadness if you stop Bach caps. But I must say I sure as shit get why. I tHought this season really was going to be the best bachelor ever! Instead it’s one giant yawnfest and everything he says is like you pulled the string on his back and out comes a pre recorded message…besitos or i likeeeet or look at me or the weird face touching and baby talk!!!! *hot poker in my eye* I hate him now and he’s a tool! Anyway. .. Thank you for bEing the best part of the Bachelor!!! One more round… the finale… it might just be total awesomeness!!! I know I Will be happy that is over. Peace out.

  14. Mark

    This might be a Juan-Pab-ular opinion, but I actually think this season will help re-boot the franchise a little bit. This plus the push to show “true love” found on the show with Sean and Catherine’s wedding will hopefully shake things up a bit moving forward. Actually think it would be entertaining to bring back Ames Brown for the next season and have everyone guessing whether or not he’s actually into women.

  15. ana

    You. Just. Can’t. Do. This. To. Us. Keep blogging this sh!t please.

  16. Anne

    Zack,
    I will still read what you write no matter what bc I enjoy how you write… But your blog is the Juan and ONLY reason I am still watching this season.

  17. J

    Juan Pablo is the worst. Simply put. He needs to go away forever and ABC needs to learn a lesson about casting men who say three lines in their entire season and stick their tongues out a lot. I’d love if we could get fresh meat for once, some random person from New Hampshire or something. They’ll never pick Renee to be the next Bachelorette even though she’d totally be the best one. They’ll end up picking Andi and I’ll feel very meh about the next season too.

    p.s. your bachcaps are the funniest on the internet.

  18. TJ

    Dude, seriously no one calls this better than you. This weeks post was laser site accurate. Dude is a douche, period. Nice insight on moms spanish.

    My wife makes me watch, but I seriously look forward to bachcaps, trademark that bachcap and start selling t-shirts on the site.

  19. Sheila

    PLEASE don’t give up on the Bachelor. You make it worth watching, seriously. Love your humor…and when your wife closes the browser!

  20. E!

    Don’t quit, fool.

  21. Jackie

    You need compensation for your recaps stat. I can not imagine not having your hilarious posts to read. I neeeeeed them. Please God don’t quit. Just hold out for another Starberry Lemonade type season.

    This homophobic fucktard and his fucktardettes are so boring and annoying. Chris Harrison is probably going to overdose from coke wearing nothing but his Tetrus shirt due to sheer boredom.

  22. Megs

    Please don’t quit! This is one of the shining spots in my week. You are hilarious and you keep it real. I never comment, but I read you religiously.

    Ps I also love all the helicopter pics. Lols.

    DON’T QUIT FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS!

  23. Michele

    I only have 2 things to say:
    1). Claire was adopted. No one can convince me otherwise.
    2). If you stop writing BachCap I will come murder you in your sleep.

  24. Pat

    Don’t give up… this guy’s an idiot, but it’s so worthwhile just to be able to see what you have to say!! keep it up!!!

  25. Corinne

    Late to point out…
    Notice the upside down smile Andi makes? It’s like her “humble pie” smile. I know she can smile right side up. I’ve seen it.
    Nikki needs to dye her hair brown. She would look so much more exotic and close to a Victoria Secret’s model.
    Cricket (my fiancé and I call her Veneers). Thanks for pointing out her mom speaks fluent Spanish….whuuuuut!? Last night my fiancé came to the conclusion that once the women of that family hit forty….BAM! Toad.
    Clare needs to lay off Botox. Because Eyebrows.

    Don’t stop blogging. I just found you and you are my judge-y, facial recognition, shot calling soul mate. Thanks

    • Corinne

      I forgot to mention the main event.
      WaPalo: the shoulders. He man shrugs to all the ladies he isn’t into to show his excitement that he can’t express…. Not because of language…but because he hasn’t given anyone else a chane.

      Clare for the win! Leave the other normal girls alone!

    • admin

      Emily maynard was lady veneers or I’d have gone there haha

      • Corinne

        I just want to sit and watch the show with you. Nothing like live commentary. I always dream if another show…from my childhood. Two robots commentating an old movie in a theatre. That needs to be you.

        Had I found your blog earlier I would have pushed for Clare’s name to be Dexters wife. Clare looks just like Julie Benz.

  26. You are awesome. I agree with all other comments and could not get through this God awful season without you. Also agree with TJ…I would buy a shirt…or other merchandise for that matter. Maybe develop a BachCap app? I have no idea what it would do haha but you definitely have a good thing going here!

    PS. Best part of this post was Hy being a nickname for taking a bunch of girls V cards. Hilarious, my friend, absolutely hilarious.

  27. Michelle

    Puhhhleazzzzz keep blogging about things I understand. You’re absolutely my favorite blog writer and I tried to read your football stuff but I’m not quite on the football-fanatic level to understand the punchlines (my football understanding is on par with Juan English language skills). But making fun of a bunch of reality TV characters get drunk while seeking love through speed-dating meet hunger games, that I get. If you quit Bachelor blogging, I get it, but please please please give us nonfootball-speakers something us to read from you! Love your blog!! I even keep up with it now that I live in Thailand!

    Thanks for keeping up with this season for your fans!

  28. J.R.

    C’mon dude, you work in advertising! Surely you could monetize this blog with your eyes closed. I’m pretty sure the guy who writes I’m Not Here To Make Friends is making decent cash on his site, and even he’s a fan of yours (as he said in the comments on this article: http://www.fastcompany.com/3025980/most-creative-people/im-not-here-to-make-friends-an-unlikely-bachelor-recap-star). Your nicknames alone are much, much funnier than his, to say nothing of the rest of your recaps.

    This season was lame and sometimes flat-out offensive, and I don’t blame you for thinking about stopping. But if cold hard cash is the only thing that would make it worth it to you to keep recapping, let’s talk numbers. I’d pay a couple bucks per recap, and I’m sure a lot of your other readers would, too. At a minimum, you could slap a “Donate” button on the sidebar and see what happens. At this point, I only watch the Bachelor in order to fully enjoy all the hilarious recap content done by people like you and the folks over at Grantland, so really, the folks over at ABC should be paying you.

    Final question: have you ever considered doing a podcast?

    • admin

      haha i dig all this. truthfully, it’s just the advertising that gets in the way (in the best way). my career is a blast and i write football because i love it. i really only bachcap for these fans at this point.

      i’m considering doing a patreon or something for people to kick a few bucks in to keep me honest. it’s just if it’s for ad revenue crumbs, the juice keeps getting less worth the squeeze.

      i’ll have a think.

  29. IHeartLostAngeles

    Please don’t give up! You’re the only reason I watch this show!

  30. Haley

    Don’t leave us now! Love your recaps. My coworker and I wait anxiously for them each week.

    This was so on point: Andi decides she’s going to let Wapalo have it, and she does… Until she goes typical girl and basically begs him to convince her otherwise, that she WAS special.

    I thought she was going to say her piece and leave so I was disappointed to see that she obviously wanted him to beg her to stay. That breaking up scene was the most absurd thing I’ve ever seen. “I can’t fight with a lawyer for the rest of my life.”

    He and Clare could not be more perfect for each other.

  31. Amy M

    My husband and I have been talking a lot about taking on Maniston as our non-sexual, really just a mom person to live with us kind of sister wife. Do you think our Jewish parents will approve?
    Seriously though, HOW IS SHE SERIOUSLY ON THE MARKET?! You’re right – she’s so much vastly better than he that it became painful to watch. I hope she meets some amazing, down-home dude who will let her kid ride on his shoulders while they all pick apples together.

  32. Lynn

    You hit the nail on the head. This season started out with so much promise and now has lost all its luster. My only saving grace is your blog as you say exactly what I am thinking except in a much funnier, crazily witty way. Keep it up…we’re counting on you!

  33. Niki

    I seriously only watch this train wreck of a show so that I may enjoy your blog the next day. I watched 4 hours of pure pain this week and I must say it was still worth it for the brothel comment alone. If you quit writing this blog it would be like The Bachelor without helicopters and we all know how that goes.

  34. Jojo PDX

    There is a group of us in PDX who are really only watching the show so we can read your blog after and talk about your blog. It sounds like we aren’t the only ones. You are way too good at this to stop! How about hosting a viewing party here in town and charging a cover? Sounds fun to me!

  35. White WAPOLO

    WAPALO is smoke, and it’s because he does not give a sh!t about DA Barbie (aka Midge, aka the Special One). Dude has been checked out on his own season for weeks, and only Nikki seems to get his machismo meter pointing in any direction. She has a great legs and ass combo, but is the scent of Missouri. If you ever hung with girls from there, and you know what I mean.

  36. JD

    Zach….my GF got me into watching this show…. Only YOU can get me out of it…..episode by episode……don’t fail me!!!! AVENGE ME!!!! ………

  37. Jennifer

    Please don’t stop!! I started watching bc my friend was on the show (BeYan) and discovered your blog which made watching the show bearable! Since then I have continued to watch for your hilarious commentary afterwards, it’s seriously one of my most looked forward to things out of the entire week. For everyone’s sake, Wapolo needs to get off the screen and Chris needs to stop using the helicopters for his secret off camera drug runs so the Bachelor can get back to the good ol days!!

  38. Mark

    Despite all the disappointments, at least we are back to expecting the Muppets. Go pour some Buffalo Trace and realize your real job doesn’t tap the same vein. FTFO and I’ll see you next season because helicopters.

  39. Veronica

    Listen. This season sucked, but we need you more than ever. Honestly my girlfriends and I anticipate your blog posts more than the weekly Bach garbage from US Weekly – and we pay for that shit! I’ll throw $$$ your way, just please don’t leave us. You make my trash TV mean SO much more. Love, a few huge fans from Malibu CA (I can throw a stone at the mansion if you want. Let them know about the helicopter problem.)

  40. Colleen Stewart

    I am late in writing, but PLEASE DON’T STOP! All I can think about during the show is what you will write, and I can’t even read at work anymore because I laugh too hard. Also, I know you don’t write about the Women Tell All episodes, but when they had Miss Piggy and Kermit in an interview with Chris Harrison, I exclaimed (quite loudly to an empty room) “NOBODY EXPECTS THE F*&%ING MUPPETS!”

  41. Pingback: Pages 16 & 17 | Rachel's Write-A-Thon

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