BachCap Siete

Ay jai jai! We are going to Miami this week in what is becoming a Wapalo hate fest. This week, the producers worked hard to throw us off the scent that Wapalo brings a swaggy misogynistic perve (wrong word, I’m sorry, my language isn’t so good) to every interaction he has with women.

Seriously, sometimes it makes the life of being chained to a Viking range cooking in weird lingerie and reciting from the bible that Catherine Giuuguiguidici is being doped into via Sean Lowe seem like a cake walk. Wapalo will get his face next to yours, whisper to you not to cry or have feelings and then mind rape you into loving him.

Side note. Catherine actually posted this. I guess the problem with PR for a show like this is it takes a special breed in most cases to want to be on it…

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I mean, it should make for good TV, only…

The intro had a DISTINCT feel of “we shot this the minute Wapalo got in trouble for saying bad things about gay people.” That’s because his first defense was “I have a gay cousin” and apologies if my radar is off, but pretty sure the only reason he randomly had a cousin over in the completely pointless intro montage was to show he hugs his cousin and loves his cousin.

juan-pablo-1-600

Dude. The best way to not be a homophobe is to not be a homophobe. You don’t need to prove you love your cousin. Just don’t say shit that is homophobic. When someone asks if you think there could be a gay Bachelor. You just be like “Fuck yeah, why not” and go back to hooking up with 27 women.

If that cousin he showed for no reason wasn’t his gay cousin… Well then cool braces big guy! Looking forward to the final product and thanks for showing up. I don’t care either way.

But seriously, if that wasn’t his gay cousin, the PR engine sure made it seem this way. Frankly, we don’t we care less.

The first date was complete fucking garbage. It was a garbage salad sandwich. It was Opera Singer doing VO about how Wapalo is basically a moron, but she just wants to hook up with him because [insert male equivalent of boobs].

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All he does is press his face into these girls, bite their lips, make out with them, tell them not to cry, then when they do elaborately wipe their tears in a way that makes me think it’s a fetish. There is a bunch of “you look goood, I liiiiike that” and then rinse, repeat, try not to kill yourself.

That is all this date was and literally having to watch her Gag Kiss him on a boat. There was no talking whatsoever and then they cut to her VO and she repeats over and over that he is basically just a piece of meat. But then she’s like “I’ll give up my career for you” and then back to “no fucking way.”

Bottom line, people debate making bad decisions for brief lusty encounters. FIGHT THE URGES (except in college) and then date for love. It lasts longer.

At some weird non-linear point of the evening the producers had Maniston be the crying shoulder for the 11th time this season. I mean, just play this the minute she comes on screen.

The next date is with Joey & Dawson’s Infinite Lovechild (Nikki) and it’s mainly about torturing his ex-wife, which makes sense because when not slut-shaming, repeating the same pick-up lines or looking fascinated by boats, Wapalo loves putting women in their place (according to him, please don’t close the browser wife).

Seriously though, JDIL is going to go to Camila’s dance recital, meet his parents and his ex-wife, who looks like she wants to take a razor to her cheeks and make face bacon. I am dying to know what Venezuelan telenovela dramatic closet skeletons Wapalo has on his ex to make her subject herself to this. Also, nothing screams “Camila is the most important” like bringing one of six potential new moms to a dance recital. Totally won’t manifest in her personality later. She’ll probably totally make good relationship decisions.

But the real star of this date was the wardrobe designer. I mean, they know she’d be meeting an ex wife, a child and two parents and they put her in a front-less tank top thing. I mean, we all got to know her better. I don’t want to be the guy who is angry about boobs, but let’s be honest. Wapalo is a slut-shamer and nothing screams “gonna get shamed” like showing a child, the grandparents and the last woman your breasts at a children’s dance recital.

Pretty sure at one point she turned it around for the interviews. Still, I think she did pretty great, didn’t back down, knew how to talk to and about Camila. I don’t fault her for hating the other girls in the house, or rather, not paying attention to them. I mean, I can barely.

That night, Nikki decided to wear even less and go to Wapalo’s “office,” or rather Marlins Park, where he once translated a letter to a player’s side piece girlfriend one time. STOP FRONTING YOU HAVE A JOB WAPALO. The field was empty, which would have been more special if Marlins Park wasn’t always empty. I mean, nobody watches them play and that makes it an even better front for Wapalo’s fake job. Who would even notice if he was ever there or not. This is what it’s like on gameday:

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Nikki should endorse boob tape because she dressed like Leeloo Dallas Multipass to play baseball and we didn’t see much at all. Good for her and for the innovators at 3M.

Later that night, common sense wins the war and Opera Singer goes to dump Wapalo who basically just wipes her tears and they whisper in voices that made me want to puke. I mean they were all lip-smackey and gross and made me feel like a drunk girl was chewing gum in my ear.

Whatever, she left the show and is probably better off.

Group date was with a fucking plane boat or something that’s still not a helicopter so fuck you everyone. I don’t care. Let’s go sit on a fucking beach again and do nothing. Wapalo says “niiiiiiice, I liiiiike eeeeet” thirty times, District Attorney gets all insecure and then gets a rose. I mean, I have not two fucks to give for this date.

The only fun part was Crickets losing her Sacramento mind because she didn’t get a rose. I just can’t wait to see her reality show where she coaches a team of stressed out junior high cheerleaders into eating disorders. She is going to have a hilarious mouth in middle age.

JUAN PABLO GALAVIS, RENEE, ANDI

That night at the house, Cricketts decides she is going to pick a fight with JDIL. If you could follow what on earth they were even talking about, handcuff yourself and start screaming help. Literally, at one point they argued if the room Nikki was sleeping in was “her” room because she doesn’t own the hotel. That happened. In fact, this conversation was the greatest argument for vasectomy ever.

The cocktail party had a really long manufactured pause between these two, but it was better than listening to Wapalo kiss a woman, so whatever. Crickets takes such long pauses between words, for all I know she was talking the whole time, we just saw the middle of her sentence.

Chelsie gets sent home and I learned for the first time that they let you drink on the ride to the airport. How humane.

Fuck this. Hometowns.

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12 Comments

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12 Responses to BachCap Siete

  1. Casey

    enough with the close-up makeout scenes. The only way they could zoom in more would be with a tonsil-cam.

    puke-fart.

  2. Lisa

    “Crickets takes such long pauses between words, for all I know she was talking the whole time, we just saw the middle of her sentence.” Awesome!

  3. kelly

    I’m pretty sure there’s never been a season with less actual conversation. (And it’s not just because one of them speaks a slur of English.) I, for one, will miss Opera because at least she used words beyond “cool” and “awesome.”

  4. kelly

    Although, now that I think about it… she usually just decided to forgo conversing at all once being within two feet of the guy.

  5. Jamie Cogan

    The whole time I’m watching, I am like, he’s gonna mention that, oh yeah, can’t wait to hear the description of that moment…and I think in Wapolo voice now. Is this an illness?

  6. Michelle

    I’m going to miss the way Wapalo calls Charleen an “Oprah Singer”

  7. sidney b

    i liiiiiiiike eeeeeeeeet. eeeets okaaaaaay. looooook at meeeeeeee. dont cry unless heppyy teaarssss i hate him so fucking bad. but love the bachcaps.

  8. Bailey

    I have been trying to figure it out for so long, and I finally got it: Crickets sounds a LOT like Lyla Garrity when she’s doing her crickety, “thoughtful” (I put in quotes because there aren’t that many thoughts in her head, but when she’s trying to feign thinking) thing.

  9. Mark

    Multipass! That’s another cred point for you Bearfighter.

  10. jonk

    Can you please explain “Wapalo”?

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