I have to admit, I’m sort of captivated this season. Wapalo is so reasonably likable on the surface, but then just drops incredible, potentially-language-barrier-based bombs that shake the already flimsy foundations of these reality television tributes from their respective districts.
And it’s getting down to it. Every year I want to quit writing this thing, but once they start traveling and unravelling, I get sucked back in.
And what better place to get sucked back in than Middle Earth. New Zealand, as it was called before Lord of the Rings, became the the backdrop for this week’s bloody, misogynistic beat down. Wet Mess (Scottsdale) tried to tell me how some resort was the most exclusive resort in the world or something, but I’m really not prepared to discuss “exclusive” resorts from a Phoenix area NBA dancer who pays for bottle service at nightclubs in strip malls. I’m sorry. I’m not hating on her (other than calling her Wet Mess, I mean you know dating her means finding extensions, Q-tips, make up pads and fake eyelashes stuck to pretty much everything in your place), I’m just not ready to believe this place is exclusive and also I’m not Googling it because… Well, I just don’t care.
Neither did Chris Harrison, who has been MIA forever now. He could have gotten really pinched in Vietnam and you just feel like he gave up on visiting Middle Earth and smuggled some shit to Hong Kong. Godspeed, you ageless man.
The DA gets the first date and as she smiles with her tiny razor teeth, Crickets goes from upbeat to complete meltdown mode. When she gets upset, you’d think she got a lower score than she expected in figure skating.
Truthfully, that was a metaphor. By ice skating, I meant ocean sex and by lower score I mean being slut shamed on national television.
So, yeah. Crickets is not impressed. For now.
Vertical Natalie Portman (prettiest crier in years) and Maniston have a little heart to heart in which you realize they should just Big Love that shit and be sister wives. It’s actually a pretty good option for some illegal polygamist out there. I mean, all they need is the weird one, but they can find her near the compound. I’m about efficiency and if they both married Wapalo, they’d assure fathers and siblings for their communal kids. And they’d have 3/5 of a basketball team, which is good because Vertical Nat has connections, I’m told.
DA’s date is on some whacky speed boat, whatever WHERE ARE THE FUCKING HELICOPTERS THIS SEASON IS KILLING ME. The fun part is next time you want to go to an 80s party, just ride in a speed boat. Wapalo came off with 1987 cocaine dealer hair.
They go through some rock tunnel to go lick each other’s faces in a waterfall and DA is super impressed that he’s so chivalrous for helping her through the rock maze. If your standard of chivalry is “man not letting you die while being filmed,” you need to see a fucking therapist stat. Set a higher bar. It’s the Olympics after all.
Good news for criminals in her home town. No one is going to take her seriously in court. If she’s bringing heat on them, they’ll be like “man you are grinding me like I was a Venezuelan under a waterfall.” Which is also a new thing you should all say.
At dinner, a geyser goes off providing 3 full minutes of “that’s what she said” jokes. I’m sure you did it already. She gets a rose. The criminal defense system gets an F. F minus.
Crickets gets the Juan on Juan, which means he wanted more sex, more slut shaming or setting her up for a private kill shot.
Group date looked like everything I ever wanted in high school. Action sports in a self contained water slide packed full of NBA dancers. So basically, this scene should have been in the Hobbit. And other media. All the media.
After all of that 14 year old wet dream is over, they literally go to 14 year old super-heaven by literally going to get drunk at The Shire. Not some place like The Shire. They full on Hobbit Party.
Wapalo tells Maniston she is one of his “special ones” which is what every girl dreams of. Being one of many special people. Dawson Joey Lovechild plays tonsil hockey. Gross kissing ensues. Who is the kissing instructor for this show?
Then there’s the issue of the Opera Singer. She plays hard to get. She invites a kiss. She looks like she is gagging when he kisses her. Like her body language when being kissed is like when they put eyes drops in at the ophthalmologist. Whatever, it seems to be working.
It’s Vertical Natalie Portman’s birthday (potentially her Sweet 16) and Wapalo tries to stay awake when she says generic nice single mom things to him.
Rose goes to Opera and her gag reflex.
Then he takes Vertical Natalie aside to tell her she is ALSO one of his “special ones” and that she’s getting dumped on her b-day.
I was glad she lost this show. Because she is the tallest, prettiest, best crier, most NBA dancerist person on the show and also getting child support from a millionaire. Now the world knows you exist and you are ready for love (and to take your driver’s test). It’ll work out for you. Now move out of Michigan. Just a thought.
Crickets gets her Juan on Juan, and they even dressed alike. This ends up being a conversation where he manages to convince her he apologized for making her feel bad for “swimming in the ocean with her” when he actually didn’t. You hear what you want to hear, especially when you are from Sacramento. She is literally proof of California’s public school system being 2nd worst in the nation (AND I AM A PRODUCT OF IT SO I’M SUPER ANGRY).
I mean, all he said was that he “felt bad saying no to her” so he had sex with her out of pity and that “she should only cry when she’s happy.”
Uf. Que lastima. He rewards her with a rose because she bought it and, well, fantasy suites. Which Camila will totally understand. FACESMACK.
Side note, when he puts Crickets in his harem pants or whatever they are called, I realized he has multiple pairs of these. One is too many. Sorry, if you want your dating life to improve, don’t date anyone with those pants. You don’t need to know why. I know why. Don’t do it. It’s a bullet train to velour jumpsuits in 30 years. Trust me.
Harrison sneaks up super creepy for a brief interview in which I had no idea what Wapalo said beyond he aventura and mundo and fuck this guy.
In last ditch efforts to become arbitrary special ones, Wet Mess and Chelsie decide to go for it. They know they are on the fence and at this point their options are pretty much ocean swim, steal a rose, kill the competition or hide in someone’s luggage and continue the aventura.
Wet Mess goes for the sob story, which made me sad, but it’s also the second most likely way to not win this show. The first is shit talking another girl. But this is a close second.
Chelsie spoke at supersonic speeds and covered a lot of shit that, well, I’m not gonna cover.
Wet Mess gets the boot, but what was weird was whatever was going on with Opera Singer. They were BFF or something. A world-traveling opera singer and an NBA dancer. It’s like a Disney film.
See you next week when Harrison cuts the production budget and takes us back to America, but to Miami where he can put the production budget he saved directly into cocaine.
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