Is there anything more apropos than Chris Harrison leading Wapalo and his traveling ring-seeking circus to Vietnam? I mean, it’s really not hard to picture an elderly Harrison in a slim-fit suit leading future people throwing their pride away on television on dates in war-torn parts of the middle east. If there was any reason for this it was so that I could say in later BachCaps that “back in Nam things got heavy” all Apocalypse Now and Full Metal Jacket-y. If you are one of my readers that hasn’t seen these films, see them. Then write a five-paragraph essay comparing and contrasting them to this episode…
Because there was definitely underwater guerrilla warfare going on in the oceans back in Nam. But we’ll get there.
ABC MANDATORY ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT WHAT BETTER PLACE TO FIND LOVE THAN THE MANDARIN ORIENTAL BILTMORE HILTON VIETNAM DANANG. But really. What’s with this being a total mixtape hotel. That’s three hotel chains in one. Given, they are nice chains, but this is the KenTacoHut of hotels. KenTacoHut is when Kentucky Fried Chicken, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut share one store.
So I’m anti-mashups. Chris Harrison, not so much. You drink a few drinks, you pop a lude, you blow a line, YOU GET IT TOGETHER AND HAND OUT SOME ROSES. Champagne, sedative, molly, dance party, sleep, wake up in another city and piece the clues together.
Maniston gets the first date and continues to refuse to put on make up or anything beyond a tanktop. I mean, she is 1 of the 2.5 wife-worthy humans on this show (I mean, you don’t actually want a needy D.A. for a wife, she gets a half status for being a terrible combination of personal issue and career choice. Terrifying.)
Can this show just change it’s name to “Browsing Asian Markets?” EVERY SEASON it’s like we’re going to browse an Asian market as if in America we didn’t have these. We buy a local outfit, we sweat way too much (who is putting Wapalo in yellow the whole time, he sweats like a dickhead toddler is chasing him with a squirt gun) and occasionally we eat a bug. We can cover this in Little Osaka off Sawtelle in West LA.
The date is fine, but Wapalo is half ass about it and perhaps in Venezuela the only crime worse than having a fake job and being a failed soccer player is kissing a woman with a child. I can’t keep track of Wapalo’s rules and this gets really crazy later. It started with his feelings that gay people are perverted compared to straight people (or whatever he meant, I can’t figure out what he is saying at any point and it’s not because he has an accent, it’s because he is shitfaced the whole time and can barely keep his eyes open – QUE SLEEPY!) and now continues with his not kissing of a woman with a child unless that woman danced in the NBA and stares blankly into the cosmos (Vertical Natalie Portman).
Look, while she is putting a candle in a box wishing for a kiss, Wapalo is worried her kid is going to not respect him (or maybe Desperado style murder him vendetta style later in life when he wears jumpsuits and is overweight). Whatever. Fuck this date.
On the group date, they are going to do “traditional Vietnamese stuff” which could range from the pleasurable eating of authentic pho to hiding in the jungle and prolonging a military engagement through the use of guerrilla warfare. It was wide open.
They instead ride around in basket boats, Wapalo takes Crickets on a staged crash landing and licks her tonsils for a few minutes because she is for some reason the moron American he’s been dying to jilt. FORESHADOW.
Really, it’s just proof that Wapalo is having the direct opposite reaction to her mouth that America is.
I kept seeing Chelsie pop up and immediately I’m like there’s a 16 year old in the water! And she may need headgear! But really, I kind of like her. Not for me, but like, for society. She seems fun. Like she’d go to junior prom with you.
The D.A. needs a bunch of reassuring and men everywhere remembered why they broke up with their ex girlfriends and women everywhere thought of the girl on the couch next to them they just want to stop talking about the guy who isn’t calling because he isn’t, this isn’t National Treasure with Nick Cage, there’s no clues or codes, if he wanted a pizza, he’d fucking order one.
Hopefully all of the aforementioned read that out loud together and are on the road to honesty. I mean, we’re all friends here. Let’s make week six a happy place. Unless you are Crickets. FORESHADOW. THUNDERCLAP. LIGHTNING. POWER GOES OUT.
At dinner, Wapalo grabs Crickets and takes her aside to make out or construct sentences with 20 second pauses in the middle. Instead, she ponzi’s him into his suite where she is bathing suit ready in full straddle mode and then says “no more kissing” so that Wapalo’s crotch guidance system is triggered. Target acquired. Her behavior totally dominated on K Street in Sacramento, which if you haven’t visited, I highly recommend you keep it that way.
They end up going in the ocean and whatever… Until we realize this isn’t going in the ocean. This is sex and the show has to be vague about that fact. But it’s sex. In the ocean. Likely unprotected. Crickets is trying to explain what happened in voiceover without being able to call it sex and that is like asking a child to do calculus. She is talking about her feelings, warm bath water, all kinds of things. But really, this was the nuclear option. So confident in her sexual ability, she pulls the trigger like Swimsuit Issues did to Lost Angeles Super Friend Ben Flajnik and hopes that will carry her to the finale.
Somewhere, Maniston’s kid is glad he didn’t kiss his mother and respects him far more for having ocean sex with a soon to be jilted girl from Sacramento.
She gets the rose. And possibly a nasty rash from the saltwater.
The next one on one goes to Nikki, who finally I realized looks like what Dawson and Joey’s kid would have looked like if they had one. Now, it’s all I can see. It’s like an alternate universe where Joey sings “On My Own” and then they get pregnant, raise a child poorly and now she’s rappelling into a giant hole (METAPHOR) with Wapalo.
Dawson’s Love Child is mad panicky, but Wapalo’s magic Venezuelan kisses fix her. If this show was based on reality, I’d never do any adventure sport without an attractive man to kiss me when it got difficult. Like, the army would issue handsome men to make out with marines before storming the shore. Imagine if in Private Ryan when Tom Hanks is on the beach seeing dudes dying and looking for body parts, world’s grosses kisser Arie Niereurerywedyk shows up and makes out with him and he has the courage to continue.
[Smacks forehead. Sorry Tom Hanks. And veterans. It's Nam. It's always Nam.]
JP is so regretting having sex with Crickets last night that he is blackout drunk and so happy just to listen to Dawson’s Love Child talk about being a nurse because basically, it’s not making the mistake of having ocean sex with a potential stage five clinger.
Man, the bar got set low.
We get to the rose ceremony and it hits me that the kissing rules are different in Venezuela than anywhere else. He’s kissing this one and the he tries to respect Maniston, but they finally kiss even though that seems like her swan song on this show. And good. She deserves a nice man in the civilian world. Frankly, hit me up, I’ll set you up with a friend Maniston.
Then the show goes to a bad place. In Nam. That’s a real thing that happened in a bad place. It went FUBAR. FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION.
For no clear reason, Wapalo pulls Crickets aside and full on slut-shames her, which really pisses me off. It’s probably the same language barrier that caused him to call all gay people perverts, but for some reason he had to tell a girl he had ocean sex with that he regrets it. On national television. He sort of acts like it was not mutual, but we all saw it wasn’t rape. He basically calls her a bad influence on her daughter. She already has a rose sooooo…
What just happened here? A nightmare?
Crickets had been confident, saying in a toast that she was cheers-ing to finding love and making love. The show is being super coy about what obviously happened and after she gets kicked to the damn curb via Wapalo’s ass backwards logic, she’s back crying, pretending it’s allergies and setting up Wapalo as the biggest idiot in the history of this show.
Because if you know women, you know what’s next. She tells someone because she is on an island of slut-shame she doesn’t deserve (Wapalo was pretty damn willing, even if she was aggressive) and that someone will tell the rest of the girls and they will form a wolfpack that is actually pissed at her, but rather than accepting Wapalo is more sexually attracted to her than them, they will bond together against him because high school.
It was bad form all around. Things went nuts in Nam. They always do. WHY! WHY DAMMIT!
I have to be honest, while this blog is a total joke, I don’t think it’s okay what happened this week. You don’t create a show about “opening up” and then slut-shame a woman for having sex before the fantasy suites when the dude says it’s time. It’s 2014. Sure, she made a tactical error. Sure, I wouldn’t date her. But she doesn’t deserve to be shamed, that is total BS and the show should make a statement. Mainly because it’d be hilarious, but also because let’s just keep it real. We want the people on the show to get with each other.
They didn’t promote much during the year that Sean Lowe was a born again virgin. They are now glossing over what happened here. I just want some transparency. It would be a good lesson to girls out there…
Fuck it. Hunger Games. I don’t care.
It was Nam. A lot of crazy shit happened.
Damn, now I need to watch Apocalypse Now again. Nam, man. Nam.
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