BachCap: Cuatro (de baño)

Before we get started, I just have to exclaim how awful the Sean Lowe/Catherine Giuiuiuiuidiuici wedding was, even at the breakneck speeds my wife and I were fast-forwarding at.

Beyond the ridiculous contractual obligation to have Trista and the ghost of Ryan at your wedding, you also have to have a bunch of people you made out with there for no reason. And Andy Dick. For no reason. And Neil Lane gets to be there, botox and mid-life English Laundry dress shirt and all, snapping pictures like he has one fuck to spare.

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Beyond the ridiculousness of Sean Lowe claiming to be a virgin, or rather “born-again” virgin, the fact we had a honeymoon suite live cam the whole episode made me want to be a born-again person who has never watched this show.  But here’s the thing. You can’t be a born again virgin. That’s not a thing. After birth, can your wife have a born-again C Section? Does the scar go away because Jesus?

Guys, this isn’t a religious attack. It’s saying let’s be accurate. You can’t just say you are born-again “insert thing you already did.” I am a born-again murderer. I used to kill folks, but now I didn’t do that. It doesn’t work in the legal system, I’m not accepting it here.

Sean, you are a dude who for whatever reason (that is probably FAR more interesting than watching you go to La Perla and buy lingerie reserved for pros that know that was the Rodeo location and to enter from the side courtyard you fucking tourist) that had sex in college and whatever happened decided SEX IS NOT FOR ME UNTIL MARRIAGE.

Also, don’t call your fiancee “chesty.” Is this a saloon? Is Val Kilmer there with dysentery starting fights? Is Wyatt Earp around. If you don’t know her size, don’t be in the store. Or don’t insult us that you had anything to do with any of this from La Perla to pretending to pay for it. You are a former fitness model.

And conversely, America got dumber with Catherine tried to explain to Mindy Weiss, queen of weddings on earth, her theme. “Grown sexy.” HOLY SHIT. I get sexy (but not when the wedding ends up being another nude bridesmaids dress with a shit ton of garden lanterns like everyone for 3 years now), but “grown…”??! How about “adult” or “refined” or “elegant.” Grown sexy just sounds like a dumb fucking Chris Brown lyric.

I’ll end it like this. Fuck this wedding. Fuck you. I’m the Grinch as far as you are concerned. Let us know how it is getting to know each other, you guys clearly didn’t write your own vows and probably have never peed with the door open around each other. THAT’S FIRST DATE MANDATORY WITH ME.

My wife just closed the browser and please born-again-sex-god may Sean and Grown Sexy get it annulled before they waste their lives or before I have to see them at Des and Chris’ wedding, which while they are annoying on Instagram, at least seem like they enjoy each other and possibly hang out, share a bed and aren’t pretending to not have had sex ever. YOU BOTH HAVE HAD SEX,  YOU ARE’NT VIRGINS.

Wow. I was angry. Time to slow roll into some Latin jams.

Chris Harrison showed up in a shirt he totally stared at in the mirror for hours after a long night of listening to EDM remixes and eating Molly like Mike n Ikes (Tuesdays on CBS). He told the girls they were going to South Korea (ug, why not North). Crickets (Sacramento) immediately says “I don’t even have a kimono” and that’s okay because no one in Korea does because they are Japanese. I’d say that was racist, but she legit still to this day thinks geography is the one where you measure triangles and geometry is the one where you study rocks and geometry is the one where you name the continents.

So, yeah. She dumb.

Literally, Wapalo’s date cards have gone down from three words to one. Now it’s like “POP” and next week it will just be like “Z*@#@” and these girls will still go “awwwwww” and I will still drink Robotussin to get thru the first segment.

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I GOT SEOUL BUT I’M NOT A SOULJA BOY.

We’re in Korea and what better place to K-mundo a K-Aventura than in Korea. I already know this trip is going to be racist as hell. They are going to sing K Pop, eat K bugs and probably do K-araoke, which is also Japanese. But why not.

They go to some dance studio where they are going to dance with K Pop “legends” 2NE1 or something, which to me just looks like an address. Either way, I don’t trust ABC that anyone knows 2NE1 because no one knows anyone they bring on this show. Either way, the lead singer speaks far more intelligible English than any contestant on the show.

Scottsdale and her overly-bronzed surgical enhancements start fronting hard that she is an epic dancer, and I am sure the weekly roided dude she brings home from Scottsdale one-word nightclubs tell her that, but I think being tactically aware is a desirable trait and you should stop trying to outdance Vertical Natalie Portman who actually is a professional dancer who was so good she got to baby mama a future NBA player (depending on if you think that’s a good thing, either way, she probably can move).

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I actually fell a little in love with Vertical Natalie because she kind of just shut up, gave it a respectful 60% effort and let Scottsdale just look like the first person to get killed in a horror movie some more.

By the way, her nickname is now Wet Mess. Girls are either clean, dry mess or wet mess. Dry mess is like papers are everywhere. Dry mess girls are always 20 minutes of organizing from being clean. Wet mess means your parents and you didn’t get along or they flat out quit because your room has a glass of OJ that now looks like a brillo pad from mold, you have extensions and false eyelashes stuck to your headboard, mirror, possibly your nails, the toes separators used for painting toenails are everywhere the way clean girls distribute candles and unless you are ten minutes from going to a bar, your hair looks wet.

Scottsdale is 100% wet mess, in the next week one of her buds will email me to tell me. That’s how this show works with this blog.

So they go to a K Mall to K Perform and Nikki (who is pretty damn funny and cannot be blamed for being annoyed by Crickets) doesn’t want to do K Dancing but she K Sacks Up and K Does it anyway. Wet Mess goes with her own choreography and manages to reveal side, top and under boob all at once.

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At the K Cocktail party, Wet Mess and her chest bronze are all 50 Shades of Boobs as she tells Wapalo about her parents divorce (explains Wet Mess tendencies) and how she needs to be independent so when she meets an alcoholic like her dad to marry, she will have skills (not just dancing and being a wet mess) to pay the bills.

Miss Piggy commits the cardinal sin of Bachelor. I mean, she literally proves she has never watched the show or the K Chardonnay is too strong to control. She talks to Wapalo about other girls in the house, “for the wrong reasons,” blah-blah-blah. Start K-packing.

Nikki gets the rose, much to the K rage of the other contestants and Wapalo gives her a total Sean Lowe kiss. The producers wanted to make sure he learned to kiss in a way that is interesting to America, in the same way shark week is.

Opera Singer goes on a Juan on Juan and I realized that every girl this week had a matching undergrounder zit going on in the same location on their cheek. Harrison is smuggling heroin in these girls’ faces. He’s hilarious.

IN THE FACE!

Opera is working a massive slow roll, she eats some weirdo food, whatever. Hey, we’re in a K market, that’s crazy. I could be watching Downton. Suddenly, she is singing and Wapalo and her are gross making out. I will say this, he actually talks to her and sincerely it made me feel bad for him being new to America and speaking no English. It was weird, they are vibing each other. Can’t believe she’s a contender.

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Second group date is more K adventures where we are getting K marketed to by the K tourism board. When I saw they were going to Dr. FishZone, I wondered if this was some form of pregnancy clinic and the English translation was just super off, but no, this is a place where fish eat the crap off your feet.

And while Maniston’s mommy feet are absolute chateaubriand for these fish, if Wet Mess had even gone near it… SHARKNADO.

Crickets is stealing the K date and starts freaking out about eating octopus. I mean, one, that’s not a Korean thing and two, that’s the weirdest thing you can think of? I mean, Worse Version of District Attorney calls her out and earns my friendship by being like “whaddafuck yo, you can get that at the Italian joint down the street in Chicago” and I was like “CORRECT.”

And it wasn’t even 3 michelin star live, still moving octopi. This was like KFC fried hot sauce octopus. Just grow up or get eliminated already.

Whatever, more K-araoke in some weird floral print room and then it’s the night date where Wapalo decides he is going to spend 18 minutes being a good influence on Camila and not kiss people, including that one girl who flips out and comes close to K suicide (same thing, you just dance to happy music when you do it).

D.A. get the rose because “she gets Wapalo’s humor” or in other words, has no clue what he says and laughs because he is hot.

K Cocktail party, Miss Piggy hides her sequins under a kermit-colored dress, but you fooled no one and now are going home.

In the end, this episode was worth it for the K Pop lip sync at the end.

Next week, they go to Nam. Can’t wait. Nam joke city.

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19 Comments

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19 Responses to BachCap: Cuatro (de baño)

  1. Crystal

    “It was like controlled awesome chaos. It was really just super cool and everyone was so jazzed, but it was massive.”- Chris Harrison
    (In case there was still doubt about narcotics usage)

  2. J

    This is tremendous. That’s all.

    Also, I wanted to punch the screen when Sean did a heel click after leaving the lingerie show. It infuriated me all the way down to my grown-sexy core.

  3. What about???

    Nothing about the hot and tall lazy eye girl dropping a one liner on Sacramento about swallowing bigger things than that?

  4. Lauren

    Totally noticed the same zit on every girl’s face!

    Also, yes, there is no such thing as a born again virgin. I feel like talking about sex constantly on TV negates the “respectability” (?? or whatever you were going for..) of being a born again virgin.

  5. LB

    Can we also talk about Kelly’s “I’m sure you’ve swallowed bigger things than that” jab at Clare? I kind of loved her for it.

  6. Amanda

    2NE1 is actually huge in Korea and kpop fans in the US (I listen to them). I’m surprised they even got them on this show.

  7. D

    To be fair to Wet Mess, she too is a former NBA dancer. She just has a “real” job to list now, unlike Vertical Natalie.

  8. Shelly

    Best post ever to date! I laughed out loud at least 5 times. Chris Harrison smuggling heroin in zits! How about Claire confessing to JP that she threw up in her mouth after eating the octopus. Bet he really wanted to kiss her after that.

  9. Grace

    I am beginning to wonder if you are secretly part of my watching group. I’ll call it a draw on the Miss Piggy wearing half of Kermit on her dress, but the zit comment scared me. Every single one of them had the zit on their right cheek. Talk about cycles aligning.

  10. Courtney

    This blog is the best part of the bachelor/bachelorette series.

  11. danica

    I now watch the show wondering what gold you will wrote about each situation the next day. Anxiously awaiting your blog about last night!

  12. Ok. SO maybe I’m making it up in my head, but every time Clare talks to Juan, I start hearing this fake vaguely hispanic accent in her voice… especially in this episode where she said, ” I said No to KissING”. And its ONLY when she talks to him – so clearly she is just mimicking his accent.
    ERMAGERRDDD I want to throw things at the tv when I hear it.

    Is that just me? Does anyone else hear it??

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