BachCap Week Tres Leches

Let’s get the big skeleton OUT OF THE CLOSET. Wapalo got his foot in his mouth (more than he does normally just trying to communicate in English) by saying some possibly misconstrued, likely el super Catholico comments about gay folks. Basically, that there shouldn’t be a gay bachelor season because they are “perverts” or a bad influence on children. He later said he isn’t great at English (no shit) and pervert wasn’t the right word and that he has lots of respect for gay people, but then a bunch more stuff about not wanting Camila to see two gay guys have kids.

totes straight.

totes straight.

Basically, I don’t care. I am pro love on this blog, but I am also pro ignoring everything that comes out of people on television’s mouths, especially broken English rants on morality by a guy who will make out with 27 women and then come home to kiss his daughter.

I think Wapalo is a good dude. I think he’s probably a little religious and frankly, we shouldn’t ask idiots questions we don’t want to hear the answers to. Between this and everyone flipping out about Richard Sherman on the Seahawks, America dropped the ball because there was a lot of shit we could have been giving a shit about but were too busy worrying what a man who is looking for a wife amongst NBA dancers, nudists, Sacramentans and breast implants thinks about gay people and the sanctity of marriage.

If you hang with Chris Harrison, you burnt up your vote on “sanctity of marriage.”  Find your mate in the jungle like the rest of us are (we are the 99%).

Damn, I’m sore from being on my high horse. No, for real. My horse is from Colorado and ate a ton of legal pot. He was a high horse.

Anyhoo.  BachCap? Si, por favor. Ya’ll have mundo. Usted me termina. I feel like that’s “you complete me” in Spanish. So much mundo. Aventura? Vamanos!

Harrison came out rocking color blocking on his shirt so severe, I thought the top and bottom of his torso were playing Tetris.

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Vertical Natalie Portman gets the first date and while her and Wapalo seemed to be getting along, her boobs were clearly in an argument and trying to run in opposite directions off her chest.

Didn’t matter though because there was no escaping the Venezuelan U-Turn, which involves just driving your car into a body of water for no reason. Many thought this was a cool “helicopter” style date, but the truth was, in prepping for the show, ABC’s production crew realized Juan constantly pulled the Venezuelan U-Turn and for any scene where they were near water forced him to ride in a car that is also a boat. The behind-the-scenes of Juan explaining how he is such a good driver that he can make his car “walk on water” is classic television, especially if you see Harrison smoking opium in the background laughing at the dailies.

Actually, in the absence of a helicopter, I analyzed this water truck and it was called “Panther” which just felt like a fucked up name for a car that is also a boat. I mean, do panthers even swim? I feel like they just bounce around the jungle and fuck up wild boar and shit. In Seattle they have these boats and they all called “duck” or “goose” or things that we see go on land and in water without drowning. Panther?

They started making out in the water and that seemed cool until I realized the super said Vertical NP is 21 years old??? And she said she hasn’t been on a first date since she was 18? I’m no math wizard (because wizards are known for math), but this leaves a DEFINITE possibility that Rodney Stuckey got her pregnant before she was legal. I know she said 18, but I mean, we’re cutting it close for a pro athlete, right? I mean, do the Pistons take 18 year old dancers?

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She told Wapalo that her mother was protective, but clearly that’s a loose term. Not so protective that she “had to go to college” or wasn’t allowed to “avoid school to dance in Detroit for low wages” or “get pregnant by an NBA player who didn’t put a ring on it before being able to order a beer.” Hoping her mom isn’t a bodyguard. She is not protective. She is a condom with puncture wounds.

So let’s just be clear. She is making us believe that she made the Pistons dancers, got pregnant and had a kid and posed for the following photos before being 21?

And why not stay with Rodney? They seem happy. But Trey is way older in the show pictures. I just don’t get the timeline. What is David Stern’s (NBA commissioner) stance on impregnating one of your team’s cheerleaders before she can legally buy beer?

She’s attractive, let’s give her a pass. AND A ROSE! Wapalo likes her because “she is beautiful and she dances” so girls out there, remember. Men totes care about your personality. FACESMACK.

Group date card comes in and I realized that Wapalo will literally not write a card longer than three words. A haiku would be longer than his invitations. It’s always “I KICK BALLS!” or “PANTHER CAR BOATZ” or “PHOTOGRAPH DOG BOOBS.” Best part is girls don’t have one fuck to give and are like “WHATEVER HE’S SO HAWT I LOVE HOW I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT HE’S SAYING.”

They go to the StubHub Center where Wapalo is playing with actual LA Galaxy players AJ De la Garza, Todd Dunivant and Juninho, who honestly should have been training after blowing their chance to three-peat and not effing around with a dude who played minor league soccer for like 8 years with 10 different teams.

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But it was worth it when the girls showed up and discussed if getting hit the face with balls hurt or not. I mean, that’s low brow but until there’s a fucking helicopter, it’ll have to do.

The Opera singer is a pretty good sport because she gets booted in the face about seven times and judging by the tweets I get, that made you all happy. You betches.

Later that night, Wapalo talks about how cool it is to have a soccer stadium empty all to himself, but I mean, you played for Miami FC in the minor leagues. Pretty sure you are used to empty stadiums. Sorry, brah. Keeping it real.

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The Opera singer girl and Wapalo share their first kiss and holy shit it’s the worst thing since Sean Lowe tried to eat food out of every girl’s mouth last year. I swear watching her kiss Sean would be worse than Two Girls, One Cup. NOT HYPERBOLE. I was going to puke watching this girl kiss Wapalo so she gets the name DRY HEAVE. That’d be so mean if you all liked her, but you don’t and so I guess we’ll have to agree to agree.

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The District Attorney made out with Wapalo in a beer and wings concession stand, one short week after posing nude, in ABC’s secret reality series within a reality series “To Shame A Lawyer.”

Oh God, I think I just thought of Dry Heave kissing Sean Lowe again. I want to bottle it and use it as syrup of ipecac for children that need to puke up something poisonous they ate. Holy vomit it was gross.

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Also, she said “mundo” like “muhn-doe.” You sing opera. It’s all in romance languages. How the hell can you not pronounce that? Maybe you just perform in Herman Melville’s gothic English opera “Billy Budd.” I’m cultured. SORRY I’M NOT SORRY.

The hot nurse girl get’s the rose and no nickname until I figure out what’s wrong with her besides her bird tattoo. I mean, we could call her Portlandia because she put a bird on it, but I’m not there yet.

Next date is with the second biggest set of teeth in the house besides Crickets. She actually seems reasonably fun. Extreme date alert. They are going to tandem bungee jump off a bridge in Pasadena after eating a bunch of Venezuelan food.

If you rewatch the scene where Wapalo is comforting and coaxing her to jump and just imagine it is a very private conversation about trying the kind of sex Wapalo says is too “pervert” for the Bachelor, it is probably the funniest two minutes of television that is street legal. “Relax, go back a little, do it for me, how do you feel, if you don’t want to do it it’s okay, if you can’t it’s okay.”

Jackpot.

Also my wife just closed the browser.

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This girl looks cuter after she bungee jumps, but making your wife bungee jump four times a day seems like a non-sustainable practice. Then she goes ahead and says if you can jump off a bridge together, you can get through anything, proving Miss Piggy right that she is, in fact, a child. The first time Camila tells her she hates her, she’d be like PEACE.

They eat and then ABC makes us listen to another band I’ve never heard of and the fact she had heard of them made me terrified. Even worse, she dances like the awkward girl at a 7th grade sleepover. I mean, she could be in a room of albinos and be the whitest dancer there. She could be north of the fucking wall in Game of Thrones and be the whitest person there.

I mean, not that that’s wrong. Just saying. She was so white I pronounced the H in wHite like I was a southern belle.

In the morning, Wapalo sneaks in to cook these girls arepas and when he told them it probably sounded like he came over to bring them “a rapist” and because this is reality TV and he’s attractive, they were stoked.

Blazy I rolls down with makeup on and then runs away because she “didn’t have make up on.” Producers clearly hate her. Maniston rolls down, zero fucks given. So few fucks to space that she literally didn’t even put make up on the rest of the day, even when she played mom for the 9th time in 3 weeks when Crickets starts melting down. She is like the Stage Five Clinger Whisperer. I want to set her up with one of my friends, she will help us all in the end.

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Wapalo decides the cocktail party is a waste of time and demands a pool party to evaluate these women on their breast size, to which Scottsdale replied “CHICKEN FIGHT!”

Scottsdale was all like “bewbs” and the other girls were like “bewbs” and Wapalo was like “que” and then they all screamed “BEWWWBS!”

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Dry Heave is all awkward balls again and complains about all the cameras because she really thought reality TV would be less intrusive. Wait until she discovers the patented “tampon cam.”

You never expect the muppets.

She calls him a tease and then makes out more. She was practically arepa-ing his mouth.

Free Spirit and Olivia Wild Wings are sent home. We barely knew you both, except we did know what Free Spirit looked like naked.

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Remember to follow me on the social platforms below and send in pictures of your viewing parties. The more you flatter me, the more I will post.
Adios, Carlos.

9 Comments

Filed under Bachelor/Bachelorette

9 Responses to BachCap Week Tres Leches

  1. Jackie

    Beeeeewbs.

    Husband and I just read this together. Thanks for yet another hilarious recap!

  2. YES! I look forward to this recap every week…now i need to go back and figure out who Crickets is, though.

  3. Katie

    yep. pretty hilarious. Might be my favorite of the season thus far. But yeah, cannnnnnnnnnnot remember who Crickets is.

  4. Michelle

    Did you notice how Dry Heave always complains that Wapalo pulls away when they are making out? Sounds like its about as enjoyable to kiss Dry Heave as it is to watch her kiss someone. SO GROSS!

    BTW- love your blog! Started reading when my boss in NYC told me about it during Ben’s season and I’ve been hooked ever since! I actually live abroad now and I download Bach just to keep up with your blog. Always on point, always hysterical!

  5. El Gato

    Your reference to Game of Thrones was stellar. Keep up the good fight.

  6. Allison S

    I watched bachelor for the first time during Ben’s season because, I’m from Sonoma BRO, reading your blog ended up being the highlight of watching that for my husband and I. Now we’re watching again because of Chelsie :) I was a little scared to read BUT love what you had to say: big teeth, dances like a white girl (I mean she is white so it would be weird if she didn’t right?) and yes she is a fun girl. Anyway, your blog makes watching so much better– thank you!!

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