Mercifully, we’re getting into the episodes that are hard to ruin. The “meet the family” dates tend to always be amazing because if you are the kind of person who has a family (i.e., not Tarzan, although his jungle family still counts and they clearly raised him with love), then you know families on their own are some of television’s best bed-shitters.
That has nothing to do with this week’s version of “for the right reasons” where the Bargain Bach got to tour the most geographically convenient island to Barcelona to save production costs. I mean, we could have gone to Ibiza, but not only would it be too cool and expensive, a 5am Tiesto set and a few tabs of E might be enough to send Team Smedium into the grinding, make-out session usually reserved for the off camera people left behind during one on one dates.
So, we’re at Madeira Island, which ABC felt we were too dumb to absorb “Isla Madeira” or anything else that made this feel more like a vacation as less like “the only place that would have them”. Madeira, of course, is famous for Madeira wine, which of course, is famous for being used as a buzz world in Olive Garden or Carrabba’s commercials. Try the new mezzaluna medeira ravioli and bring a gallon of it home for 9.95 and free breadsticks and diabetes.
Valorie Kilmer said some line about being built for love and the homoeroticism began early. Now that we’re paired down to 4.5 guys that don’t like girls, we see the ponzi Des has gotten herself into. This is sad because I kind of think she’s a cool girl in the end of the day. A cool girl who requested gay best friends and steroid users as her two types of potential suitors. Huge victory for gay best friends so far.
We get treated to some former contestants coming back like they do every year. There was last seasons winner (read, loser) Catherine Goodoodoochi who talked about her boobs like they were special or something, there was Leslie (Pretty Little Liar) who proved her political career went to shit as predicted and had nothing better to do than fly across the Atlantic for this cameo and Jackie Parr, who I was just glad to see was still alive because I totally forgot she existed until she was sitting there in a bathing suit she probably spent five weeks deciding on.
The girls all stared at the guys with binoculars from like eight feet away and were judging their body parts. They asked why Lady Tom Brady was wearing a tank top and frankly, he’s too dumb to know if he was wearing one or not, so I found the question null and void. Catherine asked about who Des thought had the [bleeped out] which I took to mean “biggest penis”, to which she said Middle School Dancer, and she’d know because if middle school dancing was about one thing, it was pressing your weapon into your dance partner partly out of fear of your whole middle school seeing you dance with a boner and partly out of fear that your whole middle school class knew you were the kind of person who gets a boner dancing to “forever young”.
Side note, all the girls were swilling this bright yellow dehydrated urine martini and that was about right because this show is just taking a piss. It was a metaphor not lost on me, the man shackled to my TV and laptop.
Des doesn’t know how to have girl talk, probably because her brother scared them all away growing up. In tents or whatever her story is.
First date is with Lady Tom Brady who confirmed his heterosexuality in a big way by telling us that “he’d forgotten how to be on a one-on-one date with Des”, likely because he’s been used to group dates with Team Smedium, his warm security blanket.
AND SPEAKING OF BLANKETS, Lady Tom Brady brought one with him on the world’s most boring Smart Car (way to spring for the Jeep, ABC) tour of Madeira. They climbed up to cliff and looked over because the Bargain Bach was not getting the crew required to rappel off it or dive off it or do anything besides just fucking look at it.
Then they went to have a picnic in the clouds and said “cloud nine” about ten times. A friend watching with me asked the question of who even says cloud nine anymore as a phrase? Are grandmas producing this show? “Hey Des, you’re the bee’s knees!”
Lady Tom Brady found a new way to hold a wine glass that was inspired by Incan glass blowers and the time you first discover how to masturbate. So, I have some new shit to talk about in therapy now. My wife just closed the browser.
Lady Tom Brady basically slow rolls her and kind of says he’s behind in the love race in his own “I just mixed Zanax with Chardonnay” sort of way. Then he explains his sexuality in the guise of explaining their cloudy location by saying “you’re not quite above the clouds completely but you’re not below them, you’re just in them”. This is his way of telling Des he’s bisexual. I’m sure of it. I would pay big money for him to sing “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman”. Now I know who that was written for.
Back at the hotel, Middle School Dancer gets the next one-on-one and dropped his male status in half by being the first person ever to “sniff” the fucking date card which was written by one of the grandmas writing the show. Did it smell like witch hazel, Chris? Tool. AND HE’S STILL THE ONLY LOGICAL CHOICE.
For the night date, Brooks wears chambray because it rhymes with his sexual orientation which he’s been trying so hard all day to tell her about. I feel like he wants her to meet his family so they can tell her for him.
My wife made a good point. Bachelorettes, Des included, always make it out like the meeting of families is somehow a mutual decision. Bachelors are like “yeah, I’m gonna meet these freaks and see if it makes you less hot”. Lady Tom Brady tells her he’s behind where Des is emotionally, which naturally triggers her hormones into Defcon One: ignoring all reason and forcing him to love her.
Middle School Dancer’s date starts on a boat and he gives her the least sexy sunscreen rubdown of all time. He asks if she needs some and she’s like “on my back”, just to clear up any thought viewers at home had that Des wanted him to massage her boobs on national television. Face smack. “Yeah, on my back?” Seriously? NO SHIT ON YOUR BACK. “Yeah, on my upper thigh and blindfold me.”
Middle School Dancer has gone full-emo at this point. He’s saying he can feel “all her emotions” in her kisses. Then they make it like they are going to go through this cool hole in an island like on other seasons. BARGAIN BACHED. Nope. They are going to sit “shore-adjacent” and Chris is going to force her to write a poem and put it in a bottle, which he throws into the ocean like fifth grade softball player.
He says writing the poem together was so natural. No it wasn’t. For anyone ever on earth in time and space. Read the room, fucko.
Then, the awkward quotient goes up when Chris tells her he loves her… WITH A POEM. Didn’t see that coming. Way to name it “Individually Defined”. You are supposed to tell people you love them drunk. Not with a poem. Be American.
Final one-on-one is with Medusa and they walk around town eating phallic shaped food. They ride a straw toboggan down a street and that is the closest to adventure they are going to fucking give us.
At dinner, Medusa rocks the Zack Morris bright shirt/blazer combo and talks about his (SURPRISE) daddy issues. Then he says he was cheated on and discovered it on Facebook when he saw a picture of his girlfriend on top of a mountain with a dude in Vail.
Really? You didn’t see her getting all her ski shit when YOU WERE LIVING WITH HER? You didn’t notice when she got home and hung out her wet snow clothes? Did she get you to believe she was going on an Arctic fact-finding mission about global warning? Look, we all can get cheated on, usually just by some asshole willing to go the extra mile to act like a slut/manwhore/whatever. It’s another thing to live in denial. But, that’s nothing new for any Team Smedium member.
Off to more street musicians ABC didn’t have to pay for. I’m over this date.
Final two on Juan is with Valerie Kilmer and Secretly 50 (who is listed at 31 years old but I think they mean the year he was born). They go Go-Kart racing, which is a lot less expensive than racing real cars like on the last two seasons with Emily and Arie.
This really felt like Valerie Kilmer was on a date with Secretly 50 and they brought Des along to make sure the chemistry was there. The whole date was an innuendo. Des at one point said “how about you two go at it” and they were like “YES!!!” which was funny, but I was hoping for “again, I’m still tired from earlier”. Oh well.
Oh yeah, Valerie Kilmer said he was falling for her. Two dudes in love with her BEFORE hometowns and this show is still so boring.
This date is super boring and it ended right when I decided how I was going to kill myself. She picked Valerie Kilmer for the safety rose leaving Secretly 50 (brought to you by Crest Whitening Strips) to wonder what was next.
Rose Ceremony was boring also. Middle School Dancer is addicted to collar popping. It’s only second to his addiction to unwanted poem writing, but more of an addiction than sniffing letters.
We did get Chris Harrison asking heartfelt questions of Des in a windswept, lantern-lit veranda, which made me wish Chris Harrison asked me heartfelt questions in a windswept, lantern-lit veranda. Pass the dutchie, bud.
We got to see Des relying on the framed photos of Smedium as if she didn’t remember the five still left. Then, into the killing room to tell one of these guys she doesn’t want to meet their family.
Medusa is finally beheaded and he takes it well, the manner expected of a man who doesn’t want to date a woman. He almost seemed relieved, but he pulled the wise move of saying it will be hard to date after her, a prerequisite to being the Bachelor… AND WHAT WOULD HIS SEASON BE LIKE!?!?!
All was well though in the outtakes where Medusa said one fruit looked like a corn on the cob had blown its nose in it.
I’ll leave you with that.
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