BachCap Week Six

We’re finally globetrotting and Team Smedium could not be more excited.  Well, they could if they got to see a bullfight because “there’s something about how tight a matador’s pants are”…  And how.

This season is suffering a bit from the fact that knowing Des has never been anywhere outside of Southern California and she’s not super comfortable being a tour guide.  There’s a little bit of producers feeding her lines, but literally when Ali the Muppet was the Bach, she would be giving Drunk History of the City tours with her bleached rat tail extensions faring poorly with humidity.  We need that.  “Barcelona is like a city that’s so about art.  People say the ancients worshipped Picasso which rhymes with Pico De Gallo which is cool because I love chips and salsa and burritos, the national food of Espana”.

DESIREE HARTSOCK

See.  Don’t you miss that?

So the dudes meet up and await Chris Harrison to get his “party favors” as he’ll be in Ibiza for the rest of the trip.  They have them eat at this little tapas place that could pass for Santa Monica and knowing the budget for the Bargain Bach, they probably did just film this in LA.  Also, I am positive at one point when someone thought of ordering mussels, Little Big Head flexed and said “what, these muscles? Right?  RIGHT?”

Biff Get Your Damn Hands Off Her, who now looks like a feminine Val Kilmer (I dub thee Valerie Kilmer) gets the first one on one date and prior to it going on, the boys are turning fierce against Little Big Head and setting up ONE OF THE MOST DRAMATIC EPISODES OF THE BACHELORETTE EVER.  Or not.

That said, this was clearly a defining moment in the season.  It was the moment the ratings sank to the level that they weren’t going to give us more fun on the dates, more context, more conversation.  Instead, they were going to take a moot point, turn it into a frothed up bitch-slap fest and extend it so long there was no time for a fucking helicopter, an extreme date, a cocktail party or just anything awesome at all.  You are in Barcefuckinglona and you don’t get anyone half naked, drunk, eating a live piece of seafood, etc.  You just tell a ten hour story about a guy doing what all guys do.

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Let’s back up.  Little Big Head and Gabagool had a conversation in a car where basically Gabagool was saying he could introduce Little Big Head to a bunch of tall, rich hot chicks in Chicago when the show ends and Little Big Head basically said if you make the final four, worst case is maybe you can be the next Bachelor.

Valerie Kilmer, Hashtag, Middle School Dancer, Lady Tom Brady and Medusa all took the “for the right reasons” rap with Soulja Boy so seriously that if anyone on this fucking show accepts the possibility that they are not winning and may need to re-enter civilian life, they must hate Des and be playing her like a banjo (same body type).

This is the mentality of a suicide bomber.  NO ONE IS ASKING YOU TO STRAP A LOVE BOMB TO YOUR CHEST AND EXPLODE IT IF DES LET’S YOU GO.  These guys are like all or nothing and the fact that the roided out, over-shirt adjusting, beef-stick who is rationally accepting he may not win is causing them to menstruate at cascade setting.

So the rat fuck is on and we’ll see if Little Big Head is going to survive the night.

Valorie Kilmer and Des share a really awkward I’M GONNA KISS YOU NOW moment as they walk around Barcelona on the eight dollar budget ABC allotted her to buy hot chocolate.  Something about having Valerie Kilmer make Des lick cream off his face bothered me.  Maybe it was the fact that he chased it with a speech about his dad being an alcoholic and that he had never told anyone on earth about it before, which has to be a lie and if it isn’t, well, hey, might as well tell the whole country at once.  And then he chased that with his dad has cancer.  But yeah, let’s make out some more.  That will fix everything.

I mean, it was definitely the helicopter of sob stories.  Somewhere Little Big Head was thinking that he should have continued on his Atlantic City date story about how he cheated on a girl in eighth grade and told the truth BEHIND the truth which was that he cheated on a girl in eighth grade with a cancerous tumor snowman shaped into a real girl.  Damnit Valerie Kilmer.  You upped the hit on girls with sob stories game to new heights (lows).

They are pretending to eat dinner and then steals Des to sprint through some charming streets and corridors that seem like a reasonable place to get molested by a stranger and then he decides to bring back the Ari wall make out move.  I guess this is somewhat like getting molested by a stranger, so the location was corrected.  No wonder they didn’t eat dinner.  He was making every effort to eat directly from her upper esophagus so hopefully lunch tasted good the second time around.

After the make out session, Valerie Kilmer gets the rose and decides to go right back to being a ten year old girl and tattle on Little Big Head and you can just see somewhere in Des’ eyes all the self-loathing brewing like bile in a french press.  You are literally watching someone realize they are spending no money on her season or dates, her dates are dropping like flies by their own accord and she potentially only has four people left that like women and one of them can’t speak English.

That said, what a ball drop moment.  Kilmer has the first date where he is able to convince Des he likes girls and then pulls the most sorority move ever.  Now that we’ve made out, let’s talk about boys.

Back at the house, it seems like Juan Pablo is upset about not getting a one on one (Juan on Juan) date, but then again he could be telling me about a great churriascaria somewhere in South America.  I can’t understand him, but neither can the women watching, they are too busy making noises like they just ate chocolate they found out had less calories than expected.

The date card was a soccer themed date and to make sure the Real Housewives of Team Smedium understood the sports reference of Gooooool! they went so far as to draw soccer balls as the O’s.  Still didn’t help Lady Tom Brady, but short of euthanizing him, what will?  Why does he talk like he had a stroke?  I can’t figure him out.

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They go to the home of La Liga side RCD Espnayol (that’s how someone who actually watches sports explain it) and decide to play soccer.  If Des knew about soccer, she’d know they took her to the stadium of a team in 13th place which would bum her out being that FC Barcelona is the best team on earth and just down the street.  Harrison used that money on ceviche, Catalan prostitutes and vino verde mixed with mescaline.  He does Spain right.  VALE!

This is where the over-playing of the Little Big Head issue ruined the episode.  Why not show more of this hilarious soccer game?  The credits showed some funny stuff.  Juan Pablo used to play.  This was a chance for some more fun (and shit for me to dog).  Instead, Des comes out with a bunch of girls and only Juan Pablo figures out they are the pro women’s side and even though they are good, the boys should win.

The girls spot the boys two goals and then decide to trounce Team Smedium, who blames it all on Little Big Head, who should never get to have sex with girls again after how he was afraid of a soccer ball.  It wasn’t Ronaldo booting line drives.  I mean these girls were worm burning shots and he looked like a neon orange sausage that fell out of the pot and started bouncing on the floor.

The night time session had Des reading a poem back to Middle School Dancer, which was the first nice moment of the show so far and who better than Middle School Dancer to lay on a bed and exchange poems with.  Dawson’s Creekage.

The rest of the guys were doing their best straight dude impression and decided to confront and very drunk and sleepy Little Big Head about his comments about being the Bachelor and all that crap.  At first I was annoyed with him, but then I got annoyed with the other dudes.

Team Smedium in their feminine glory don’t have a lot of friends like Gabagool and if you are like me and enjoy whiskey, red meat and fucking hitting home runs, you have some guy friends like Gabagool who just talk to you about all the chicks they can get, all the tag teaming you both can do.  It’s much easier and to bro code to be like “yeah bro, chicks, sex, radical” than to “HOW DARE YOU OBJECTIFY WOMEN” these guys.  He will get the message anyway when all his friends get married and he’s the old fucker in the night club.  Let Darwinism handle it.  Not Team Smedium.

This conversation goes nowhere because Smedium are whiners and Little Big Head is drunk, tired and roady.  I got bored really quickly during this argument that WAS DRAGGED OUT TO THE NEXT DAY TOO.  YOU ARE IN SPAIN.  EAT PAELLA AND MAYBE DO A LINEA DEL MUERTE.

The one highlight was when they said “let’s have a man to man” and I was like, at best this is a “two and a half men to man”.  At best.

No group date rose and instead, WE GET TO HEAR THE WHOLE BORING STORY AGAIN.  In an effort to boost ratings, you are killing ratings ABC.  HELICOPTERS.  EXTREME DATES.  BINGE DRINKING AND EMO WEIGHT GAINS.  BAD EXTENSIONS.

Bread and butter, people.  There’s a reason restaurants all serve it.  The people want it.  FEED THE PEOPLE OR THEY WILL FEED THEMSELVES.

I enjoyed watching Little Big Head get emo trying to talk his way out of the wet paper bag of insecurity Des is proving to be.  It was awesome because I finally got to see what a steak looks like when it cries.  He had neck tears going, it was like someone was juicing his adam’s apple.

At some point Emily Maynard tried to make it about her and compare LBH to Ryan from her season and my first inclination was to tweet to her and suggest she date another famous person and pretend to be nice so more.  YOUR FIFTEEN MINUTES ARE UP.  GO THE FUCK AWAY.

Smedium was pissed when Little Big Head got home.  In their quest to make sure he was there for all the right reasons, suddenly, they were there only to get rid of the walking porterhouse steak.  RIGHT REASONS INDEED, SMEDIUM.

Next date, Secretly 50.  He’s doing his best job to not admit his brother was old enough to have fought in the Spanish Civil War and that he’s been to Spain twice before.  Instead, he just kind of smiles at everything and draws a hideous picture of Des, but she kind of looked cute laughing at the hobgoblin demon he depicted her as.  Then a naked guy came in and I felt so bad the rest of Smedium wasn’t there because they must be tired of naked posing for each other at this point back at the henhouse.

Secretly 50 decides to model himself, which was fun I guess for women, but I couldn’t get over his tightie whities.  He IS from an ancient time.  At least they weren’t Depends (who totally is the Kleenex of adult diapers, right?  I mean it’s impressive.  When you are too old not to shit yourself, you go to Depends, like ordering a Coke or needing a Band-Aid).

My wife just closed the browser.  That’s what having drinks with me is like only you are super turned on the whole time.  Yes, I will accept this rose.

They go to a wine cave later, it’s more pressing Des against a wall and trying to eat food out of her mouth.  Wall kisses are the new Spiderman kisses apparently.   He gets the rose and doesn’t piss me off that much.  I loved both my grandpas too.  Maybe it’s respecting him and the rest of the Greatest Generation.

The next day there’s more of the same fucking argument and I’m on my phone looking at other shit.  I just don’t care at this point.  I am rooting for a riot or someone to pull the hotel fire alarm.  Medusa gets offended by profanity.  That really happened.  Little Big Head literally is the only guy who talks like a man left, so she’s having a hard time kicking him to the curb.  Middle School Dancer says he is not thinking of being the next Bachelor which means he will be the next Bachelor.  You never expect the Muppets.

Des comes in to get Little Big Head, they go down to the steps and in the distance, three squirrels in the midst of self-discovery poke their heads over the balcony to see if this is in fact the end for Little Big Head.

We waste a full segment with more of the same and now I am considering burning down a building in Portland in protest, but I like it here and would never hurt the city like this show was hurting my eyeballs.

THE-BACHELORETTE

I could produce this show with my eyes closed.  I wish they produced it with their eyes closed.  Next time you have a conversation about if a guy needs to leave, do it in a helicopter with the door open like the scene in Scarface where they hang the dude to let Tony know the stakes got higher.  This season’s budget is so low the only helicopter so far was to tour the aquarium formerly known as greater Atlantic City.

Des caves.  Little Big Head stays.

No cocktail party, Des is over her liquor budget.

Then it got weird.  She cuts Little Big Head, Juan Pablo and Hashtag: Peace Out MFer.

Sooooo.  We spend forty minutes of they should kick LBH off because he’s a pig only to let him stay only to kick him off again?  WHY ARE YOU WASTING ALL THE TIMEZ?!

Chris Harrison had to come up with this on mushrooms, it’s the only reasonable excuse.

I’m done.  Do better next week Bachelorette.  Your preview was provocative, contained helicopters, boats and beaches.  Fantasy suites with men who have never seen a naked woman.  There’s hope.  But it’s fading fast like this season.

Last, NOT least.  A pic from some awesome readers Dani and Ashley doing a re-enactment of Secretly 50s strip…

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12 Comments

Filed under Bachelor/Bachelorette

12 Responses to BachCap Week Six

  1. michele

    I actually LAUGHED OUT LOUD, and did that laughing/crying thing when reading:
    ‘…and he looked like a neon orange sausage that fell out of the pot and started bouncing on the floor.’
    AND
    ‘It was awesome because I finally got to see what a steak looks like when it cries.’
    I’m actually pissed he’s gone now. I’d love to hear more about LBH from you!

  2. ssddrafiki

    Quote of the night, around 1:14:00,

    “If James gets the rose tonight, I think the group is going to collectively F$%@ themselves.” Michael G

  3. Lindsee

    Hilarious. Ryan Bowers called out fake bitch Emily Maynard on twitter, it was hilarious what he said! You’re right, go the fuck away, you bimbo!
    ouch, new g/f is beautiful in and out, take that plastic, botoxed barbie Emily

    Ryan Bowers ‏@RyanBowers22 19h
    2 answer yall…not sure why Emily wants to bring me up every episode. I’m not even watching the show now& just look who I’m dating #WINNING

    Ryan Bowers ‏@RyanBowers22 19h
    Let me restate..as I’ve said b4 @EmilyMaynard is a trophy just some other mans reward I’m happy w the lovely @AnaChristinaRod beauty in&out!

  4. Mindy

    I think Val Kilmer (Drew) looks more like Fact Of Life’s Nancy McKeon. But Nancy is a little more masculine than he is.

  5. E

    Thanks for making a beyond boring episode (read: season) super entertaining.

  6. emily

    How in god’s name did you not comment on the fact that the whole time LBH was talking to Des he was getting such bad underboob sweat I could have sworn he was lactating?!?

    Please rewind or check out the only picture I could find on some random blog here: http://jensreality.com/2013/07/01/bachelorette-in-barca/

    • Cristin

      Thank you!! I thought that was going to be left unmentioned. What the hell was going on down there?? I’ve never witnessed something like this before, but there were two little circles under each pectoral muscle.

      Just when I started laughing, I was confused to observe that it had disappeared upon his reentry to the condo/aka Top-Gun Locker Room. Someone must have fluffed-err fixed him up outside so team Schmeed would not become alarmed.

  7. Lauren

    I think Drew looks like Captain America, the skinny version. In my house we refer to him as Captain America.

    When Des was talking to LBH, did you notice the guys up on the balcony watching them? I was kind of creeped out.

    And I am so over Michael the weird lawyer!

  8. great observation about feminine Val Kilmer. nicknames are still one of the best parts of these posts. and thanks for putting ABC on blast for leaving us clues in every episode that this bach season was pretty much filmed in LA.

  9. ShannaLaine

    So I am few weeks behind and just watched week 6. Got my husband to watch the brodate brawl recap- he asked me if part of the challenge of the show is she has to figure out which dudes are gay and straight. Baaaahaaaaaahaaaaa!

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