Dwight Howard’s Houston Pitch Sounds Amazing

A rare basketball post from me, but I felt like weighing in on the Dwight Howard mess just because I find it hilarious.  Let me go on the record saying I hope he leaves because I am of the camp that he is a paper tiger.  D12 has become someone known for everything but basketball in the last couple years and the fact is, the idea of having to sell the Lakers when they have the most to offer you is absurd.


If you want to play in Houston-fucking-Texas, please do.  Don’t think James Harden would even blink if the Lakers were able to offer him a max deal.  He’d be on the Buss private jet before the ink was dry.  Dwight is someone who wants the spotlight, but not one too bright.  The Lake Show is about winning.  Period.  It’s a meritocracy.  We forgive you everything if you win.  Kobe is the biggest dick on the planet but he understands the value of the purple and gold.  Sure, he wanted out a while back citing ownership needing to step up.  But they got him Pau, he shut up and gave Tinseltown two more rings.  He put his money where his mouth was and now, he’s going to retire a Laker and a top five player in the history of the game.

Shaq and Kobe had an ugly end, but guess what?  Now we love Shaq.  Because he brought us three titles, didn’t go out of his way to alienate the fans and mostly left his beef with Kobe (no pun intended) which was fine, because we knew they were both assholes anyway.  Legendary assholes who gave us five titles (three together).


LA wants you to drop a ton of ecstasy, get on stage and knock out the DJ and play a set no one will ever forget and you can’t remember you did and then they want to make statues out of you.  Dwight wants to hang out in a room with average looking girls that want to sleep with him and watch him play awful acoustic covers of Dave Matthews.

And he can do that in Houston.

For those of you curious, Dwight is having all his glitzy suitors (from Texas and Atlanta) coming out to Los Angeles to take him on the Universal Studios Tour.  It’s weird that he doesn’t want to fly out there to get courted.  This just seems like a bunch of “asking for respect” instead of earning it by winning titles like Lakers expect you to.

Anyway, today Houston met with Dwight Howard and here is what ESPN’s Dave McMenamin and Ramona Shelburne (both condemned to chasing this turd all summer) said about the “pitch”:

The Houston Rockets, meanwhile, also met with Howard early Monday in Los Angeles.

The Rockets contingent who met with Howard included players James HardenChandler Parsons, coach Kevin McHale, general manager Daryl Morey, owner Les Alexander and Hall of Famers Hakeem Olajuwon and Clyde Drexler. Yao Ming talked with Howard via Skype from China, and according to the Houston Chronicle, Dikembe Mutombo recorded a video message for Howard.

Yao told KRIV-TV in Houston that when he was contacted by Rockets CEO Tad Brown and Morey to help with the team’s pitch to Howard, he told them he “would love to help.”

Yao, who spoke to KRIV-TV in a telephone interview from Beijing, said he spoke to Howard via Skype and told him the Rockets “have a young team, a talented team that has ability to reach championship level with you.”

Yao said he will be in Houston on July 11 and hopes to meet with Howard.

After a late-night hotel dinner, Morey tweeted that it was “great” meeting with Howard and “obvious” how he and Harden could be “the next great big/wing combo.”

“Dwight is focused on winning championships,” Morey told KRIV-TV. “So are we.”

Does this remind you of that episode of Entourage where Vince was going to different agencies and just showing his face on monitors with Nike and McDonalds logos?  Seriously, picture this day.

Dwight comes in a day after hanging out in Anaheim at a video game convention and he already knows exactly what Houston can offer him.  So, we’re not talking deals here, we’re talking “why us”.

Houston brings in the usual suspects, James Harden to say what a text could do (something like I can’t wait to throw it near the rim and you dunk it when your shoulder/back isn’t hurt, you aren’t making YouTube videos, bricking free throws, blaming your coach and demanding a trade) and Hakeem and Clyde.

After they talk about how they loved being Rockets (even though any of them would have gone to the Lakers if needed at any point), the Rockets really pulled out the stops with the audio-visual part of the show.  I mean, seriously, picture this.


Some IT guy is plugging in his Macbook asking everyone if they have a dongle to use, he’s switching the HDMI inputs around, they probably dim the lights and spend five seconds getting the volume right.



It’s Dikembe Mutumbo, who is most famous for being a Nugget and played with Houston looking more like the guy in that Geico commercial than the young man from the Congo who said not in my house.  Mutumbo at least knew whatever building he was in was in his house.  He didn’t need a parade of people to tell him “it’s your team”.  Dikembe made it his house.

What Dikembe told Dwight via video about coming to Houston is a mystery, but please someone leak that video.  Please.

I promise it wasn’t a story about their upbringings.  Dikembe got out of the Congo.  Dwight spent the summer eating at Sprinkles on Little Santa Monica.


Up next was a Skype session with Yao Ming, who is responsible for the Houston Rockets looking like the Chinese National Basketball Team.  Remember when Yao was a thing and suddenly the Rockets went Asian inspired font, China flag inspired colors?  Yao must have told Dwight if he plays in Houston, they will all wear Superman capes and miss every free throw in his honor.  Then, the Chinese Government shut down the Skype session, put a gun to Yao’s head and forced him to play 95 hours of consecutive basketball on zero knee cartilage as he waits for sweet death’s embrace.

Yao told him Houston could reach championship level with him, something Yao knows a lot about having never won an NBA title.  If Dwight wants to know about championships, he should shut the fuck up, listen to Kobe, listen to Pau listening to Kobe and then look up because we keep them in the rafters at Staples.


My favorite part of the article (and pitch)?  This:

According to the Chronicle, Houston planned to emphasize the “marketing potential” the Rockets continue to hold in China, being Yao’s former team. 

Dwight Howard, who everyone eventually wants to shut up and play golf in every city he goes, is looking to keep rehabbing his image and win championships and he’s going to do this in HOUSTON with James Harden (who couldn’t fucking win with Kevin Durant and fucking Russell Westbrook) and he’s going to look great to American fans as Houston pimps him to China.

Like (as I already reminded you) the time Houston did a full China rebrand.  Go ahead Dwight.  Please.



Suddenly, all my job recruitments seem lazy.  Why have none of my employers told me that I’d be huge in China?

Oh yeah, because I am American and I’d rather be huge here and win championships.  Like the Lakers do.

Laker fans, do not sweat Howard leaving.  Embrace it.  What we have is a culture of winning in multiple decades.  D12 is the bad pain in the ass.  The kind that can’t do it without Kobe.  The Lakers might have some more down years getting their cap together as the league continues to find new ways to fuck them (literally the kama sutra is on the table when Stern holds CBA meetings), but we should enjoy watching Kobe retire as we plan to rebuild through draft, trade or the 2014 free agent class.  Let’s all chill.  We can’t win them all, but we seem to win plenty.

And no matter what, the Lakers will likely win before Dwight does in Atlanta, Houston, Dallas or Golden State.  It’s his funeral.  And he will be main man at that funeral.  Just ask Yao.


Filed under Rants and Musings

5 Responses to Dwight Howard’s Houston Pitch Sounds Amazing

  1. Michele

    What a Houston-hating post! Your attitude should be with Dwight, not with Houston. You have readers here, you know?!?

  2. Fergn8r

    Nobody cares about D12, the Rockets, or the Lakers. Basketball season is over. BACHCAP NOW!

  3. Nam

    Lol..what readers. Sounds like the lakers r great winners but sore losers. This article seems to forget that la is now run by buss junior. And that no way does Dwight signs with hof past their primes. Nash bad back, Kobe Achilles, Nuff said. Enjoy ur 1st round exit next yr guys as my rockets r the new sheriffs in town.

    • admin

      have a blast with dwight man. i am glad he is gone, no sour grapes. it’s not about how we do next year. he’s not the guy to lead a team and put a max deal on. good luck.

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