BachCap Week Five

This week it became obvious why the Bargain Bachelor was having to scrimp and save.  She eventually was going to want to go to Europe for the first time, thus confirming her family was in no way in one of the musical, roving gypsy camps that were so fashionable after the last Sherlock Holmes movie came out where the girl from Prometheus who gives herself a C-section with a robot moonlights as a sexy, dangerous gypsy fortune-teller mercenary with a brother who had a face transplant.

Shit, I should review movies.

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Team Smedium has traded in their neon deep-v necks for a rainbow of smedium hoodies because, well, Europe is fucking cold in the spring.  Chris Harrison, trying to pimp his new dating app that you probably should check out if but for no reason beyond the fact he is surrounded by hot chicks all the time, seemed to be looking forward to Germany as a chance to detox with giant pretzels, fast and precise S&M women and some giant beer steins.

Harrison smugly lets Smedium know that the Bargain Bach has never been to Europe in a “I MEAN, WHO DOES THAT?!?!” sort of way.  Chris Harrison was going to Europe in the cargo holds of opium freighters since he was eleven, so it’s understandable his shock when a transient youth somehow hasn’t wandered to Europe like that crunchy girl who lived in your dorm at SDSU.  There’s a big world out there and someone needs to explore all of its drugs and sex acts.

They are staying at the hotel KOCKENHEILMLER STROKKEN EACHOUFFSEN, which according to Ben the Sunstroker is probably the nicest hotel in Germany.  This opinion must have been formed from Yelp because two minutes prior he said he’d never crossed “any of the oceans” so this would be his first time in Europe.  Definitely in Germany as they really don’t like letting Nazis in after they clear that issue up in the 40s.  The way this guy talks about being Christian and his son on repeat, you kind of feel like he has Nazi china in his garage like Chris Cooper in American Beauty.  Right?  If you are his neighbor, check out his garage and get back to me.  Also, tell me what his dog tag from the princess army means.

They are all stoked.  They are there for the right reasons.  They are reacting to the fucking clock with the mechanical Germans like they are watching a UFC fight.  You don’t grab another dude and go “oooohhhhh!!!!” when you are watching a clock.  You do it when you see some dude GET clocked.

Anyway.

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Middle School Dancer gets the first date which involves dancing (CHRIS HARRISON YOU CRUEL TEMPTRESS) and trying on Lederhosen and generally being racist against Germans.  They should go on “American” dates in the US.  Like, we should go to a fast food place and eat until we have diarrhea, shoot some guns, discuss celebrity baby names and then maybe go to the airport and wait through security a couple times with TSA being extra gropey and using a rotating x-ray to get some 3D renderings of our junk.

‘MURICA!

I like Middle School Dancer.  He’s a little cheesy, but he dresses reasonably well and probably likes girls.  This shoots him to top of the pops for this group.  I also liked how he wore his scarf UNDER his peacoat so it dangled between his legs as sort of a visual cue for Bargain Bach to check out his crotch.  That’s thinking outside the box.  Think I’m making it up?  They literally shared a sausage after staring at a case of sausage.  Middle School Dancer thinks like a middle schooler and I like it.

Meanwhile at the HOTELLEN FERBOISSEN TOEXPREERIMENTEN, Zero Dork Thirty finally concluded his military-installed “self-destruct” sequence and decided that despite sitting in a plane for half a day, he was ready to go home.  Or he started thinking Desiree was some form of Mexican which he could never explain to his family in Montana.

Zero Dork Thirty takes to the streets asking Germans if they have seen TV cameras.  When scary American war vets wander around public places asking if there are TV cameras, that’s how people get arrested.  Jesus.

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But hey, kudos to military intelligence.  If he’d been thinking (or if this wasn’t more staged than a faked orgasm), he’d have turned around TO THE FUCKING GUY FILMING HIM, put a gun to his temple and said “call you buddies in the crew and lead me to them or I start cutting off toes, Hollywood”.

And when this kind of man calls you “Hollywood”, you do what he says.

Recognizing Zero Dork is terrifying, Middle School Dancer is like “for sure” when ZDT wants to steal Des away for a chat.  During said chat, he basically says he’s gonna piece and Des is like “wow, you flew all that way” bringing into question the show’s paltry budget for the Bargain Bachelor.  Had he stayed in Atlantic City and saved them the plane fare, they would have let her pick two items from the hotel minibar.

Desiree cries because it doesn’t matter how shitty a guy is, a woman will cry when rejected, unless she is the kind that slices your tires.  So we learned something about her.  Bargain Bach is no way as insecure as Hey Bear was.  This shit happened weekly and she’d flip out.  It was like the world’s first quad-monthly period.

Middle School Dancer is playing the Hunger Games.  He dealt with his date being interrupted by asking her about her feelings.  He did some waddle dancing with her.  He wrote her a poem.  He’s in it to win it and given that he is into women, this could be the year nice guy finishes first.  He’s probably so nice he’s cool that all his roommates are hooking up with each other.  He probably sleeps with earplugs in.

Desiree asks “will you accept my rose” instead of “this” rose and that makes it seem like she’s talking about something else.  It sounds like talking dirty in the Victorian era.

The group date is in the mountains and I was about as pumped as I could be without a helicopter because finally we’re seeing some money spent on the Bargain Bach, who despite being kind of boring, I think I like.

There’s a yodeler and it made me wonder who Team Smedium’s parents were because none of them had ever heard anything like it.  I just wish there were more yodelers when they turn the lights on at closing time at bars.  You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay yodeleheeeeeheeeeeere.

Juan Pablo did some yodeling and none of you noticed because you were all too aroused.

Gabagool takes Des to make snowmen, but instead makes a big snow penis.  This naturally attracted a fellow Team Smedium member and Secretly 50 showed up with some hot toddies (so straight) and yodeled a bit more, clearly still aroused from Juan Pablo doing that.  Des was bored of making snow cocks so she went to hang with Secretly 50, who told her he wanted to be a priest.

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CAN THESE GUYS NOT BE INTO GIRLS MORE.  Between this speech and Ben’s Jesus talks, it was a bad day for Christianity.

If you ever here me use the “I was gonna be a priest” pick up line on a girl, buy me a hooker.  Chloroform me, steal my wallet and charge a prostitute to my AMEX.  You will be doing me a favor.

My wife just closed the browser.

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There was an igloo everyone went in.  Hashtag: Please Stop was like “this isn’t an igloo, it’s an ICE HOTEL” and was like this is an ice one-bedroom condo stuffed with sausage.  Speaking of which, the boys wearing blankets phenomenon was kicked up a notch when they decided to share blankets and do god knows what under them.

Lady Tom Brady tried to form sentences and was giving air HJs with his arms until Des made out with him just to get him to shut up and I appreciated it.  They looked like two blowfish stuck together.

Later, Little Big Head was making out with her and Lady Tom Brady freaked out and spied on them from a corridor that was shaped like a giant vagina.  For real.  Then he got the rose, creepers prosper.

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Back at Hotel Vontrouserdroppen Medusa was prepping for his Two on Juan date vs Sunstroker.  He used some fighting words.  Like, he said he’d kill him.  And he’s a lawyer.  Strike one against him representing me, but cheers to his tasteful chest hair maintenance.

Lady Tom Brady gets the rose.  Next.

Two on Juan starts with a psych out like they are going to polar bear plunge, but instead they are going in the coolest thing ever:  a boat that is a hot tub.  Then when told it was called a “Hot Tug”, the rest of Team Smedium came sprinting out of the building with their pants down only to be super sad.  News flash fellas.  You don’t need a lake for a hot tug.  BACK TO HOTEL ESSENTUGGENHOTTEN!!!

This boat ride was pretty much Medusa calling Sunstroker an absentee dad, a bad christian who wouldn’t go to easter at a catholic ceremony and various things that were true.  But was this smart?  He who slanders ends up on the plane home.  Also, something was up with his

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The night gets so awkward that eventually Sunstroker goes outside to polish his sweet lat tattoo (latoo) and get red faced knowing he is a shit dad, a dude who talks about being Christian all the time regardless of how he lives and probably murders puppies.

Somehow, Sunstroker gets kicked off the show and Medusa lives.  Apparently he is a better lawyer than I thought.

Sunstroker was mad weird on the car ride home even saying let’s go out in Munich, let’s meet a chick, etc.  Look, ten minutes ago he’d never crossed any of the oceans.  Now he’s crossing one twice.

That night, Bargain Bach came in looking like Sybil didn’t die on Downtown Abbey.  Oops, SPOILER.  Oh, fuck.   You’re supposed to do that before you spoil something.  YOU NEVER EXPECT THE MUPPETS.  KAISER SOZE IS VERBAL KINT!  DARTH VADER IS LUKE’S FATHER!

My film school professors just closed the browser.

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Harrison, looking bloated and tired from banging tavern wenches and drinking Hoffbrau yawned through some questions to Des, the only interesting response coming with who she wanted to kiss.  Lady Tom Brady and Secretly 50?  There’s hope fellas.  Every girl has a type.

Gabagool goes home, Little Big Head left to mourn after their tender face rub at HOTELLEN TOUCHENFEELER.  But he has more to do than mourn.  He better watch his ass because word is out that he wants to run Chicago and meet tall women (but he’s short?).

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Next week, fireworks.

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6 Comments

Filed under Bachelor/Bachelorette

6 Responses to BachCap Week Five

  1. Penfold's Grange

    Anybody else think little big head’s scarf was just a little fem?

  2. Recovering Addict

    I was having some trouble matching real people to your revised names, so I pulled up the Bachelor Bios page and stumbled upon the actual portions of their application surveys. This revealed a few things:
    1) The producers make sure to include contestants that are there for the wrong reasons SHOCKER. (ie Dan)
    2) To ensure maximum usage of the term “amazing,” they make sure enough contestants will find such activities they’ve never done before, “amazing.”
    3) To maximize meltdowns, they find insecurities to exploit such as never having any real accomplishments (ie James), lacking mastery of the English language (ie Brian) , the inability to read (ie Brad), falling short of family and friends around them (ie Kasey).
    4) They are forever grateful for computers because no one would be able to read their writing otherwise (my ability to read their scrawl can only be described as “amazing”)
    5) I have way too much time on my hands.

    Keep up the good work. My resolution to no longer watch this show has been made possible in part by your recaps.

  3. Kurt

    bahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! Ohhhh thank you for that! Tuesday sucked until 8:09pm.

  4. Ellen

    Thanks for the shoutouts! #HOTELLEN

  5. Can we please refer to Drew as Ken Cosgrove from now on? Please?

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