I am going to bring the lumber today. I’m bringing the lumber and then I am dousing it in gasoline, patronizing it like a scene out of Scarface and then lighting it on fire. Why? Because this show is finally hitting its stride and basically, this blog is going to write itself.
Let’s fuckin’ BachCap.
First things first. This is the most effeminate group of suitors ever to be put in the mansion. My fraternity didn’t like each other this much. Frankly, there are Mormon choirs that don’t like each other this much. There are soldiers who have literally fucking saved each others’ lives that don’t come close to liking each other the way Team Smedium likes each other.
Why Team Smedium, you ask? Well, this group of brain dead ass slappers clearly showed up on day one with way too many shirts with logos on them and the producers had to roll in the treasure chest of neon American Apparel v-necks for them to scavenge through so some poor producer wouldn’t have to spend 16 hours a day rotoscoping a blur over Gabagool’s extensive collection of 2003 Abercrombie gear. And you think your work day sucks…
Basically though, American Apparel is for regular to tiny sized boys and everyone on this show is juicing and on a journey to find love (with their roommates). That’s why everyone looks like they are dressed to competitively cycle or something. Heads up fellas and cyclists. You’re in tights. In public.
Let’s talk about the dodgeball date. This was fifty shades of wrong. All these guys come out in athletic gear, confirming none of them have every played sports, which was later confirmed when a legit 80% of them now seem like they are there to meet guys. I am 100% good with this, but I need to keep it real.
They had Medusa and his shaved chest hair narrating in tandem with Back to the Future (BIFF GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF HER) and literally everything was said more feminine than a French perfume saleswoman at Le Samaritain at Pont Neuf. It was “balls are flying at my face, my chin” and “I was reaching for balls when some balls hit me in the face” and then guys acting impressed by the National Dodgeball League.
Dude, if I walked into a garage in Glendale and saw a bunch of dudes in uniforms competitively playing dodgeball and taking it seriously, I’d be worried about three outcomes:
1. I have to play dodgeball with the kind of guys who practice dodgeball this much instead of try to mate with women and continue the existence of the human species.
2. I am violently raped by nerds in headbands who simply outnumber me.
3. I am murdered and my kidneys are harvested for the black market. This is probably my desired outcome if you read the other two.
Regardless, Team Smedium has a huge collective boner for the experience and when Harrison walks in with Heart Socks looking like a pink highlighter (color and shape) in her full Kabuki makeup, Smedium could NOT be more excited they are playing each other in a public place. These guys would rather play with each others’ balls than anyone else’s.
They go to Americana in Glendale and they are dressed in like short shorts and tank tops and the dumb part is this looks just like they look in their American Apparel clothes. The producers are like “fuck, we probably need to paint them in body latex to get anyone to think they are dressing embarrassingly” but then Medusa would be like “I saw that body latex on Real Sex in the 90s, always been curious” and then he puts his hand on your leg.
What followed was the most homoerotic sports scene since Top Gun’s beach volleyball scene. They literally would slide legs spread at each other into each other and then grab for the line of balls and then we’d get treated to more “it was a ballpocalypse!” testimonials. I fucking love this show right now. It’s like 5 straight dudes and 15 gay guys living in a house, having a blast and then Heart Socks is kind of just there to dress them up as cowboys or eighties gym coaches. It’s like the best thing ever for everyone involved.
Every now and then Heart Socks does a full open mouth laugh where you are pretty sure she could swallow a whole rabbit like that boa constrictor your life sciences teacher kept in a cage in his high school classroom.
Lady Tom Brady broke his finger in a crotch first slide for balls and then you’d think he was run over by a truck dumping hot tar on him. He was shaking so much while Heart Socks comforted him I thought Giovanni Ribisi was going to run up in his Saving Private Ryan gear and give him morphine while he took a letter and promised to get it to his mother.
When they found him at the hospital, he was hooked up to life support, a first with a broken finger. Look, I get passing out when they set a bone. You don’t have much control over it. But you do have control of screaming at the camera crew, breaking shit and being like GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. At least if they air it you will have a cool Hulk sequence. I mean seriously, Lady Tom Brady was such a pussy. Ames fucking kickboxed in 200 degree heat a couple seasons back, he definitely loved the dudes and he got hospitalized after getting DECKED. You slid balls first into a another dude, broke your finger and then it was like you got your dick amputated. Grow the fuck up. I had a kidney stone once. I cured it by flexing and enduring the pain until it exploded.
Rose went to Sleeper Cell, the man who dances like an 8th Grader but is winning by default because out of nowhere, he’s the only dude with a fully functioning brain (you heard me Zero Dork Thirty) that I can confirm likes women. This isn’t a journey for love. It’s a journey of self discovery.
Back at the house, we had the most staged BS ever between a guy I forgot was on the show and his maybe girlfriend with a baby. I hate that Des was all mad about it because she forgot this guy was there. Probably, she had fun because this guys’ ex/currrent girlfriend was the chubby girl from Love Actually that Hugh Grant throws down on. That was exciting. Sorry. These were actors. ABC needs to cast better. Sorry I’m not sorry. Hashtag: Meisner.
Now that we know Heart Socks has a backbone (ABC mandated), we got to talk about the “right reasons” for another twenty-five minutes. If anyone had “take a shot when someone says right reasons” in their drinking game, they are dead now and I am sorry for your loss.
This totally ruined Des’ date with what’s his face, um, Hashtag: There Are No Ad Agencies in San Luis Obispo. He’s nice enough besides his game show host face. If you combined him and Zack K., you’d have a reasonable looking Orange County type dude. Zack needs a neck. Hashtag needs to look less like one of the characters from Fantastic Mr. Fox and to move south to OC. Together, they could sell insurance and have a hot blonde wife who thinks it’s still the 50s. YOU HEARD ME OC.
They bandalooped or whatever the fuck it is, basically running around sideways like an asshole on a building. I am glad I saw this so if my future kid ever wants to get into it I can say “do you want to end up poor and having a killswitch built into any attempt you ever make to land a mate?”
I mean, really. You’re at dinner. It’s going fine. Eventually, interests come up. You are a bandalooper. You don’t have a 401K. You are living paycheck to paycheck, but you found the loot to dance sideways on a building. CHECK PLEASE. Have fun with your right (or left) hand tonight.
Heart Socks hated the date. Hashtag: Stoked On Life didn’t mind it. He’s a good guy I guess.
Then it was so cold on top of the Andaz (where I once went to a party as 1987 Coked Out Chevy Chase, you missed out) that shit was blowing over and it was like Oklahoma up there (too soon?) and so they decide, let’s swim. But it’s too cold.
Andaz wants their money back. They have a roof in tornado alley, they don’t have a heated pool and they had nowhere better to put Des than a fluorescent lit hallway? YEAH LEMME GIVE YOU THAT 400 DOLLARS A NIGHT, BECAUSE COMFORT.
Hashtag: Pity Rose. Go easy on the hair product. You look like an anime teenage warrior.
That one guy, we’ll call him All the Single Ladies, started crying back at the mansion because he had a single mom and what that guy we don’t remember his name did to that girl from Love Actually reminded him of all the men he fell in love with that left (seriously, CAN THIS SEASON GET MORE HOMOEROTIC?). He has all the feelings.
Group date two was the annual “Disney Puts Their New Movie In” and after the Muppets, it’s all downhill. This year, it was Lone Ranger, because nothing builds up a man’s confidence like looking like you can’t shoot a gun and then having your date stare at Johnny Depp and Armie Hammer for two hours. That’s like backwards Viagra. You know your date is picturing someone else that night and who wants that?
Anyway, this date consisted of doing some stunts, dressing like cowboys and inspiring Americans to fight muscular people because as was proven during the fight scenes, muscles don’t equal fighting ability.
Juan Pablo did a good job and even had time to adjust his suspenders mid fight. He said a bunch of shit in Spanish, made his “I’m on ecstasy tongue out” face that he loves to make and won the badge. I swear if you close your eyes when he talks to Des it is like the audio track from a weird Brazilian porn. Not that I know about those. My wife just closed the browser.
They watched the movie, he pulled some popcorn out of her bra and then they made out all brazilian porn style (again, not that I’d know).
Later, she had alone time with Little Big Head who was all like “my feelings need to know if they are friends with your feelings because dad” and she’s like “sure, I always wanted to kiss a slab of brisket” and he lives to fight another day.
Secretly 50 got some alone time and told some hyper animated jokes about kissing her and then didn’t kiss her. Folks, you’re on the show because you are slooty and want to kiss people. Just do it.
Time out. WHAT IS WITH THE DUDES WEARING THE BLANKETS ON DATES? This has long been the girl move, but every guy on this super sensitive homoerotic season is curled up in a blanket at every opportunity. It’s madness. I feel like they’re in some Cape Cod romance novel. Or just cold. I guess roids don’t keep you warm at night.
Zero Dork Thirty combed his hair and looked human until he talked where he was like Forrest Gumping the shit out of the situation. He’s all “I like kiss-ing her and I hope there’s more of kissing”.
Pool party replaces cocktail party and we got more homoerotic forty guys in a hot tub action. Not before Sunstroker (added the R to be pervy) stole Des away in her hideous Bentley and made out with her with the whole house watching. He was wearing a tank top last seen in a 98 Degrees video in the late 90s and a dog tag necklace from some secret “Douche Army.” Then he lied to everyone and that meant Gabagool and Medusa took him aside and pretended they would fight him and instead… HOT TUB PARTY!!!
All the Single Ladies tells the story about how he lost all his moms BFs, then said he wouldn’t cry while crying, then told Des he loved her despite having no alone time, then told her he wanted to tell her a secret and then kissed her. She almost laughed. It was rough.
Then they SENT HIS ASS HOME along with some other people we never knew. The weird part of All the Single Ladies wonders why his father figures left so fast. Maybe they didn’t like being told “I Love You” eight minutes in. Jerry Maguire was a movie. Men don’t meet a woman and get excited about the kid and not the woman. We’re not out shopping for kids with wife accessories. Not to say you can’t love an inherited kid, but here’s guessing the policy of I LOVE YOU DON’T LEAVE made the commitment seem enormous.
Next week we ALMOST leave the country. Off to Atlantic Shitty. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!
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