Old fans of the blog remember a time when I would post hate mail and my reactions to it. I don’t think I can consider this last bit of user comment to be hateful, my BachCap fans are some of the nicest ever (for people who like sick beatdowns of strangers on their TVs), but I felt like this was a great opportunity to have some fun.
“Jess” had this to say to me:
I am such a big fan on this blog and tell all my friends to read any chance I get. However, I can’t help but be disappointed in the first two posts of the season. I’m not laughing nearly enough and you’re all over the place not remembering what order the dates are in! I’m excited to read the upcoming weeks and hopefully be more entertained.
I want to make an official statement back to Jess and quell some of her fears, if possible.
Thank you for calling me out. Like any three Michelin star restaurant, I only grow with user feedback. I wanted to assure you that I want to make the situation right and do anything I can to help you reach the appropriate laugh levels you expect from a blog so incredible, it isn’t even a blog, rather me acting as the conduit between some celestial laugh deity and the audience.
First, thank you for telling you friends to read the blog even though it’s been letting you down lately. That said, if it’s been really bad, please refer them to my earlier work. I think we can all agree my work on the subject of Brad and Chantal’s outdoor African Safari Sex Party was a shoe in for a Pulitzer. When I was not nominated, I cried because I knew my opus was played for the deaf. How can the literary world not celebrate the incredible travel writing I did when the show went to Belize? I can’t Belize Anthony Bourdain has a travel writing job and I don’t! F. Scott Fitzgerald succeeded because people referred their friends to read The Great Gatsby and not lesser known works like Captain Tangerine and the Georgia Dumpling Contest. Had people sent their friends to that story, perhaps Baz Luhrmann would be ruining someone else’s great American novel and what a tragedy that might be (especially for you Catcher in the Rye!)
To address the part of your comment where you can’t help but be disappointed in the first two posts of the season… I swear as they trim the fat I will make sure to up my game to midseason form. I feel like these are like August baseball, the dog days of summer, after a great ending to Bachelor and before we reach full steam on Bachelorette. What concerned me was when you said you can’t help but be disappointed.
I have to ask, does this extend beyond the blog? I just watched the movie Side Effects with The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and The Talented Mr. Ripley and what I learned is that saying that kind of thing out loud can lead to people making you take pills and then you kill people for money so you can hook up with your lady psychiatrist.
All I am saying is if you can’t help how you are disappointed with my blog and only my blog, that’s cool. I promise, I’m going to hit a home run tomorrow. A moon shot. But if you can’t help feeling disappointed with everything, you need to see someone.
You aren’t laughing nearly enough. This is on me. That’s why I want to offer you a special service. I will jump on the phone with you any time you need a laugh and I will do whatever I have to in order to make it happen. Think I’m above farting directly into the handset? I’m not. Whatever it takes.
Starting with tomorrow. I am going to crush my post in your honor. My humble plea to keep you as a fan (and I mean this part sincerely, not the whole part about Side Effects other than that you should watch it because it’s pretty entertaining and Catherine Zeta Jones and Rooney Mara make out, which they should have put in the preview, because money.
Thanks to Jess, it’s going to be Game of Thrones Tuesday for Zoolanderella. Pew pew.
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