Juice Cleanses, Motivational Quotes and the Death of Instagram

Somebody has to say it and it might as well be me because I have the platform.  Instagram was not created for you to post motivational quotes you screengrabbed from around the web.  I don’t think you realize what you are doing “people who do this.”


I’m not some anti-conforming hipster trying to tell you what content to post or to ignore trends in life-casting.  There are plenty of Instagram habits in existence that are pretty annoying for everyone, but on some level I understand them. I don’t know that I get what the fuck is going on with “duck face” pictures, but I get that you are girl and you are probably excited about your lipstick and you have burnt out your “sorority squatting” photos and “planking” was so 2010 and really, the only planking you do is at the gym after you read a workout motivational instagram (we’ll get there.)


But duck face girl, at least you “took a photo” and “made us laugh.”  Hell, you even provided girls who DON’T duck face the opportunity to “duck face” when they get together, get drunk and want to instagram and then feel bad that they are acting like girls who “duck face” from a genuine place, a real desire to “duck face.”

Lifecasting in general is a good thing.  I always like seeing where people are, I can even put up with what they are eating so I know if I should spend my hard earned bouillon on a meal at “humble brag restaurant.”  I like seeing what a concert I saved money not going to looked like.  Sure, I can’t fucking take Coachella-casting only because if you are from LA, it becomes all you see.  It’s like Coachella is the matrix and we all just woke up in it and can’t GTFO.

Getting near the point of wanting to kill myself is the “juice cleanse humblebrag” that you all no doubt are afraid of.  I drink juice.  I have a smoothie with flaxseed in it every morning (so I don’t get scurvy according to my wife) and occasionally if it’s available, I’ll drink a shot of ginger and wheatgrass.  Fuck it, let’s see what happens. What I can’t reconcile is why drinking juice makes you do this:

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I get it.  You spent a lot of money on juice and are sacrificing “food” for a few days to finally clear out that plate of nachos and margarita you haven’t been able to process since you were applying for grad school (you are now 27), but why the fuck do I need to know about it?

If you are an influencer, have a popular blog and posting this stuff gets you free juice cleanses, then good for you.  You get a pass.  If not, I suggest this rule:  Instragram pictures of your bowel movements afterwards.  What you are doing right now is showing us Bruce Willis arming himself to fuck up terrorists in Nakitomi Plaza and then you never show him fucking people up.  How weird would that movie be?  That’s how weird your lifecast is.

Do I want to see pictures of your shit?  (Shitstagram courtesy of @fightfromabove)  NO.  I do not want to see pictures of your shit.  But I also don’t want to see pictures of the juice fueling your quest to shit.

I am guilty of posting drinking photos perhaps too much, but it’s not preaching and it’s my way of feeling like I am toasting all my friends at the same time.  I like feeling connected.  Again, I’m not hard on foodcasters.  Every now and then to keep it real I’ll post a rum punch I made in someone’s pasta pot.  Just for kicks.

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Later that night I went to a neon party and hung with a friend wearing a unicorn mask.  I lifecasted the shit out of that.  It was douchey at times, but guess what? Not this douchey:


Instagram Philosophers, whether it’s your quote, an anonymous quote or a famous quote…  THINK about what you are saying.  Worrying will never change the outcome?  Really?  Never?  I’m worried it might rain.  I will use the worry to pack an umbrella.  It might not change the rain, but the outcome changes.  I’m not soaking wet.  And who the fuck are you to put this on a blackboard.  The internet is forever.  TATTOO THIS ON A HUMAN IF YOU BELIEVE IN IT.


This post happens 100 times a day.  Who are you saying this to?  INSTAGRAM IS NOT YOUR FUCKING REFRIGERATOR.  Let me guess, you post this and are happy when you get 10 “SO TRUE” comments and 32 likes.  But yeah, you don’t give a fuck about opinions.  Rebel. If you want to make this point, take a picture of yourself eating anything from Carl’s Jr. while sitting on the toilet on a bad hair day.  Then I will know you don’t give a fuck about opinions.  In doing so, everyone will probably like you way more and you will get what you really wanted anyway.


Thanks for this.  You could have been fighting instead of distracting me from fighting.  You.  Or for anything that is worth having.


My friend girls will tell you I am a fervent supporter of self-confidence for women.  I’m pretty sure broadcasting this kind of thing isn’t getting you there.  Who are you saying this about?  Yourself?  Are you supporting “unknown author?”  Yeah, I agree.  She was so once in a lifetime we don’t even know who the fuck she is.  Stop.  Find someone to date and value yourself.  We’re all insecure.  I get it.  Me too.  Please just take a picture of a dog or a cat or anything else.


Work out pictures.  Here’s you you make them.  Take a spray tanned, stripper that eats dexatrim like it’s popcorn and then take the copy off the back of a 1992 “No Fear” shirt.  It’s defeating the purpose.  You are saying how motivated you are, but you are using all of us feeling guilty about not working out as your spring board to do more burpies.

Just post a Nike commercial because then we all can feel pumped up.  Or post a picture of you working out so we can say good job.  I mean, thanks for the half-naked person in my feed and all, but I live in Portland.  I’d walk six blocks to a strip club (in any direction, this city is weird).

For the record, we enjoy your marathon training and cross-fit pictures.  Just don’t superimpose quotes over them.



I can’t start the next chapter of my life if you keep posting shit about it.  Also, this is commentary on that last chapter.  Get out of purgatory and just post a picture of the next chapter.  It’s called storytelling.  Please stop making me feel like you were abused.  He’s Just Not That Into You.  I’m Just Not That Into Your Instagramming.



Let me translate.  I can’t afford the handbag I want that I do not need.  Post something about being happy.  This post was not making the best of everything.  It was telling people you are having a hard time letting go of not getting the handbag.  Please refer to advice from the previous quote about starting the next chapter in your life.  The one where you use any of your current handbags.



This kills me.  You know what would have killed Churchill?  Him seeing his quote in some bastard-child of Comic Sans pixellated and used out of context.  The proper context?  A political speech or your refrigerator.

I’m just trying to help.  Your followers follow you because they WANT to see your lifecast.  So lifecast.  Instagram is genius because we can be everywhere at once.  We can spend times with old friends and if we get over the FOMO, it’s actually super nice to feel like you our out with all your friends.

But please.  No more juice pictures unless you are in it duck facing.  I promise to limit my “holding bourbon glasses and acting like I’m interesting pictures.”

No I don’t.  For relaxing times, make it Suntory time.  If it was good enough for Bill, it’s good enough for Zack.





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