I have a confession to make, but it’s the best kind of confession. I have seen maybe three episodes of Dancing With The Stars. There was a a period of time where I’d see DWTS on Facebook and think it was some form of post traumatic stress disorder that people where excited about for some reason. Now, I’m using the acronym in a blog title. Boom. Progress. Can’t slow me down.
I received a lot of tweets about Strawberry Lemonade being on this show and I avoided it much like I avoided Bachelor Pad. Basically, I just don’t find much skill in making fun of something that isn’t taking itself seriously to begin with. Like shooting fish in a barrel.
And then Twitter made sure I knew Sean had to do some YMCA Prom dance and basically I had to check it out. It’s long been my suspicion that being the Bachelor in most cases can lead to thinking the world is rooting for you, when in reality the world hopes you fail at your marriage and admit “hey, choosing a wife via game show maybe wasn’t the best call.”
The Bachelor often tries to extend his fifteen minutes of fame to like seventeen or eighteen minutes of fame and they become that college guy at a high school party who you accepted when the party was raging, but now you are trying to clean up before your folks get home and why is Old Balls McGee still sitting on the couch asking if my friends know the younger brother of his friend.
That’s Sean on DWTS.
There was a lot to learn from the four minute clip I watched. For one, Sean’s dance partner whose name is like Metroid or something was way hotter than High School Soccer Player, which would have been fine if he didn’t hang on her like one of his ill-fitted suits from a Rose Ceremony.
She knows something about dancing and says Sean is awkward at it so he retorts by telling her he “knows something about dating” and then gives her a rose. Sean knows the same amount about dancing and dating as he does about kissing. Just because you are aggressive doesn’t mean anyone wants to see you do it.
The first minute of the clip was them rehearsing and Sean shaking his crotch at her like Ace Ventura when he figured out the sliding glass doors were soundproof. Then, when doing the YMCA, he picked the “manly” costume and was a construction worker.
Sean, I know you have never done hard labor, but the only construction workers that dress like that were either in the Village People themselves or dressed as the Village People at the WeHo Halloween Parade (which, like the Rose Parade, one of LA’s best traditions… to be wasted in front of cops for.)
Also, he looked like he had just been born. I know he’s into being a born-again virgin, but I mean he looked like he was just born physically. Someone decided let’s “manly him up” by rubbing him down in baby oil to dance to The Village People. Catherine was in the crowd and somehow found this attractive. I think my wife is terrified that one day I start lubing up my body and dancing disco aggressively.
But if that didn’t bother her, surely the judging would…
Every chance he had, he rubbed his baby oiled facade against Metroid while his fiancee was like LOL OMG EHMAGHERD THERTZ MER MAYNE. She missed the point that he had spent a week air humping a superior, self-confident catch who doesn’t randomly stare into space and talk about how she is cursed.
Note to daters. If your significant other tries to make their fifteen minutes last longer, the two of you won’t.
XOXO, Gossip Zack.
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