Bachelor Recap: Week Five (Part One)

In response to my legions of attractive male and female readers, I have acquiesced to the demands of a two post, back to back week of writing about Strawberry Lemonade’s journey to find love.

So, with that, let’s BachCap.

A reader mentioned to me something I hadn’t noticed (not surprising given the amount of booze needed to watch an episode of this show).  Strawberry Lemonade seems to always want to construct dates that “challenge” or “test” his potential wives, even going back to the stupid skit last season where he pretended he lived at home.

I thought this was interesting and especially so I put it in my oversized mind this episode.  We were treated to a couple great moments right off the bat.  For the first time in the series, we did not have to watch Sean’s purple, sweaty body lifting weights looking like he’s thinking about golf during sex.  I was already in a great mood.

Then, he is in a fucking seaplane or biplane or some fucking awesome plane flying over… Montana.  Sean wanted to go to Montana because for the two-hundredth time, he’s “outdoorsy” and so he can put his women “to the test”.  I mean, I’ve made the Hunger Games parallel a million times on here, but let’s get real.  Just give these women swords and let them fight it out.  Sean is beating around the bush here.  He wants to torture them, he wants to find the most subservient one.  He’s looking to find a woman who will not complain no matter what crap goes on and do it to bask in the glow of his reverse ginger sun.

Since he is from Dallas, which I know well, let me flash forward to how this works out.  He’s 40 lbs heavier, all to his gut.  He’s golfing and banging the baby sitter.  She’s glad to be married, have a big Neil Lane diamond and pop out little purple children.

Big win for Strawberry Lemonade.  Little Orphan Hottie actually is stoked about this idea.

Guess who wasn’t stoked?  All the women when Chris Harrison came in with a cokehead’s enthusiasm telling them about a great trip to… Montana.  They’re all like “ew, I hate the middle east” except Princess Beyazmine and her nice Iraq who was like “that’s not the middle east, it’s the middle west”.  Wrong again.  It’s Middle Earth, you fucking dwarf.

So with the girls not stoked at all and Strawberry Lemonade ready to lick the backsides of some womens’ teeth (kiss them), they were off.

Date one was with Army Brat and ZOMG helicopter.

We got some of the triumphant bachelor theme, there was some “there’s no place I’d rather be” and such.  It was everything you expect from a helicopter ride except them jumping out into the ocean.  I’ll wait for the Caribbean week.

They cut this date fast, mostly because it was stupid.  This girl has gone in 3 weeks written all over him, unless he just wants to keep her for the fantasy suite because he won’t feel bad about a hit and quit and probably neither will she.  I suspect she tattoos Strawberry Lemonade’s face on her butt cheek either way.

When Sean had “another surprise” for Army Brat and didn’t start unzipping his pants, I knew they were going to walk down the street to see some band ABC is promoting for some reason that no one has ever heard of.  Check.  They did the awkward hug/waddle dance and Sean hid his boner successfully, mostly because Army Brat thought that meant real love.

She got the rose.

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The next date was Sean’s most sadistic “test” for these women ever.  It was basically like a triathlon of shit-kicking ending with the least subtle sexual innuendo in the show’s history where the girls must “milk a goat” and then “chug its milk”.  I had a hard time concentrating because of the, uh, money shot that was coming (no pun intended) at the end.  This was awkward even by Bachelor standards.  Somehow, watching the dudes last season go commando in Scottish kilts crotch-to-crotch in the Highland Games was WAY less awkward.  Mostly because Sean was calling this a test.  A test of milking a goat and chugging it’s milk.  Jesus, ABC.  Jesus.

Ironically, the most awkward thing was Beyazmine’s head scarf.  What the fuck was that thing.  It was like a tiny sweater alien was trying to Prometheus into her head.

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In the final leg of the tour, Joey Potter and Sarah are carrying a hay bale and thank God Joey Potter brought it in the next leg because keeping it real here, she was struggling to carry this with two hands, one more hand than Sarah needed to own that fucking hay bale.  Takeaway, don’t fight Sarah.  It reminded me of how in Cinderella Man, Russell Crowe (pre being the worst singer ever, Les Mis) had to lift the sacks at the dock with one arm and then he had a devastating jab.  That’s Sarah.  She will knock your teeth out.  Frankly, if she milked the goat it would have exploded.  Her, Potter and Little Orphan Hottie are the only acceptable answers to this season, but again, I am rooting for them all to lose so they win in life.  Lose the battle, win the war girls.

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Now that Joey Potter looked bad, she dove in, milked the goat with the intensity of your freshman year homecoming date and then in her words “took it like a champ” and chugged the goat milk.  Big win for the red team.  Low point for my blogging career.  Women everywhere, I am sorry.  Chris Harrison was definitely doing whippets when he devised this plan with Sean Lowe, which is German for Sadomasochist.

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Red team was getting some extra time with Strawberry Lemonade until SURPRISE, the Blue Team gets to come back.  This was after Guybrow and her Head Dent decided to show up anyway.

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I can’t stand this girl and I rarely say that.  I usually try to appreciate everyone on this planet for the ways they are fucked up, but this girl follows the same pattern every time.

  1. Be stand-offish with the girls
  2. Be cute with Sean away from the girls
  3. Stress eat everything in the house
  4. Be stand-offish with the girls
  5. Pretend to get seriously injured and cry to Sean
  6. Cry more to Sean
  7. MOAR CRYZ
  8. Get rose because Sean just likes her boobs
  9. Tell girls in the house “sorry I’m not sorry”
  10. Rinse and repeat
  11. (late night stress snack)

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Total duck face crier too.  Wouldn’t matter if she was the sweetest girl on the show because then you’d be sad she was crying.  In her case, I just keep hoping she gets dehydrated and pretends to fall down the stairs or something.

Whackflip is really angry.  Oh well.  The big surprise was that Anna Nicole Schlitz got the rose, presumably for being sexually aggressive, managing to form her first complete sentences on the show, and allowing Sean to be himself, which means kiss with more tongue than a bull frog mining for flies.

Finally, it’s the dreaded 2 on 1 (or Two on Juan as I used to joke with Lost Angeles homeboy Ben Flajnik) where two girls go and one returns.  Winter is Coming, bitches.

Guybrow is on the date with Who?, a great new nickname from my friend here in Portland because when she popped on screen, she was like “Who?”.  Exactly.

That said, Who was clearly the right choice, but she made the quintessential Bachelor tactical error:  Talking shit about a girl with big boobs that the Bachelor wants to have sex with.  This is the football equivalent of punting backwards on first down.  This never, ever works.  Sure, the news eventually gets there, but you will be a martyr for it.

Sean doesn’t take it well and in the end, Tierra gets another week of ruining my eyeballs.  Then she does some maniacal laughing and shit and cries a few times and eats a bag of Kettle Chips (New York Cheddar) in secret.

The cocktail party was more of a cockfight.  The girls kind of confronted Guybrow and then at the same time, Sean started figuring out that Tierra sucked.  Well, that everyone thought she sucked.  He tried interrogating girls, but none really took the bait.  In fact, Pretty Little Liar was so drunk and annoyed by the question she was basically like “dude, you want to marry someone that other people in the room don’t constantly hate” and then was like peace.  I liked that about her.

In the end though, only one person had to go home and since this is the Bachelor, it was Whackflip’s time to go, because this show is built on hate crimes.  I want to celebrate Whackflip though, she was the Jackie Robinson of this awful television show.  I can’t think of the last time an African American even got to go on a travel date, on Bachelor or Bachelorette.  Kudos to her, she’s better off anyway.  I am just sad I couldn’t combine names and call her Whacky Robinson, a woman after my own heart as a Dodger fan and a fan of, uh, living in a progressive multiracial society.

I am cutting this off because I need to do this again tomorrow.  I’m ready though.  Hope you are having a good day.  I’ll leave you with some fan pics from Cassie and Kiri who got the “surprise Sean and Harrison” visit during a viewing party.  Harrison, looks like he ate horse tranquilizers.

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I’ll see you tomorrow.  Dream of roses and me being an asshole.  I’d never make you chug goat milk.

 

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14 Comments

Filed under Bachelor/Bachelorette

14 Responses to Bachelor Recap: Week Five (Part One)

  1. YESSS. And Chris’ comment on the picture was that he looked “sleepy”.

  2. Why do these girls continue make the mistake of shit-talking the other girls? It’s like cooking risotto on Top Chef – it happens every season and it never ends well.

  3. Ok, I’ve been afraid to say this because LES MIS and all, but I loved the movie, all of it, everything except RUSSELL CROWE SINGING WAS SO AWKWARD.

  4. I’m really going to need you to add Tierra’s misuse of the word “pity” when she means “petty” to the list of her actions/reasons to hate her because it’s happened at least twice now and it’s driving me insane.

    • Mike

      YES! And it drives me nuts how she says “fustrated” instead of “frustrated,” fitting in with the fact that she is mentally an 8-year-old who is looking for a daddy rather than a husband. Wouldn’t surprise me if she still says “Basghetti” when describing the Lady and the Tramp Italian restaurant scene.

  5. Stacy

    Did anyone else wonder why Guybrow was wearing a shirt from the blue team when she crashed the group date? Is she raiding hampers now??

  6. Can you please note Guybrow cannot say the word frustrated correctly and she uses about 100 times an episode!

  7. hey-o!

    So night one was kinda boring, but night two is providing plenty of fodder!

    ‘when I watched this girl I barely new die at 12, it made me realize I want to have a family and be in love.’

    Seriously?!? That was your reaction to watching someone take your death tree? When you were 12? Way to spin it, honey.

  8. Diana

    ABC should have chosen Arie Laysomepipe. Strawberry Beefcake is so fustrating to watch.
    Your blog is hilarious as usual. Have you watched Ben Stiller’s Burning Love on YouTube? It’s pretty funny.

  9. Alli

    “Head Dent” – I died. :)

  10. Lea

    Damnit!! I wish I had come up with this earlier but Anna Nicole Schlitz should’ve been Mackayla Maroney. She makes the “not impressed” face every single rose ceremony. Every single one.

    Also, have you noticed that Strawbs tells every girl “I’m crazy about you.” Good joke.

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