Bachelor Recap: Week Four

I do apologize for being a day tardy in bringing you your weekly fix of me being an asshole.  For my friends on the ground and in the bars with me, I am sure you have had your fix.  Between getting sick and work travel, it’s been hard to keep a normal “dogging women on television” schedule.  I am sure you can relate.

It’s week four.  No need for foreplay.  If the oven isn’t preheated by now, we’re not baking cookies.  Feel me?  Let’s BachCap.

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First off, what contract was signed that said I have to see Strawberry Lemonade in his skivvies every single week at the beginning of the episode?  I don’t get it.  Look, three weeks of him pumping iron and making some of the most awkwardly sexual “oh this weight is sooo heavy” faces and I think maybe we get a break.

Wrong.

We get a shot of him in black boxer briefs going through his outfit of bro shirts.  I figure this guy’s sex appeal is a lot like Coachella.  You know it’s over, like disco.  You know it’s stereotypical, uninteresting and the fodder for #humblebrags drowning your Facebook newsfeed (“got weekend two tickets, no big deal”).

But you don’t care.  Coachella is just like Sean in his fucking underwear.  You know it’s ridiculous but you like it anyway.  You must, or I can’t figure out why I know his ass better than my own (except for the fact my ass is behind me, maybe I get a pass).

Once Strawberry Lemonade was dressed and we were assured he could “totally see his future wife in this room”, we found out that Selma was getting the first one-on-one date.  I think we’ve all been excited to take her for a test drive.  She’s like Princess Jasmine if she wore yoga pants and was surgically enhanced.  I mean, there are websites dedicated to thoughts like that.  I mean, not that I know about them or anything…  Hey, did you get Coachella tickets?  [awkward pause]

Somewhere my wife just closed the browser.  Somewhere else your boyfriend just laughed because he was in a fraternity too.  I won’t ruin men for you guys until Bachelorette season.

Selma is the kind of girl who wants a luxury lifestyle and getting picked up in a limo was enough to bring out the baby voice which was only forgiven because she has a nice Iraq.

Suddenly, there’s a private jet and the part of me that loves this show woke up for a minute because in my mind no less than 64% of it’s appeal is travelling by air. That said, make it a helicopter next time and stop pretending we like planes more.  Helicopter plus Bachelor “Wonderment” theme song and a line like “being up here with Sean I could totally see marrying him” and we keep the world in order.  I could be the Adjustment Bureau for this show.  If they’d only call.  They can’t afford me.

When they land, Selma is mad pissed because Sean is peeling out in an SUV and the sand is totally fucking her hair up.  Then when he let’s her know they are rock climbing, she is extra pissed because she is a midget and hates anything athletic (that’s a warning for the bedroom, Sean).  Turns out though, she is good at rock climbing.  She gets up the rock at Joshua Tree faster than anyone I’ve ever seen, of course everyone I ever saw at Joshua Tree was on mushrooms so who knows what was really going on.

Strawberry Lemonade took his time so he could have an unobstructed 20 minute view of her ass in yoga pants.  Big win for the agency.

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Sean got to cuddle with her on top of a mountain Ron Burgandy style and stare down her shirt where he could see all of Iraq. Good looking and can climb rocks? The only issue will be in Dallas having to explain to his golf buddies that she isn’t Latina.

The night date was at a trailer park with lights that definitely hosted its share of acid-fueled bonfire, Dave Matthews acoustic jam sessions.  Selma instead decided to reveal for the 200th time that she is Arabic and from Baghdad.  Sean was like “that’s impossible we blew that place up in Operation Iraqi Freedom”.  Speaking of Operation Iraqi Freedom, Selma made it super clear that due to her family and maybe religious beliefs she wanted to kiss him but couldn’t.  He’d have to wait for that and anything else besides looking at her Iraq that she is always accentuating.  You get the sense her parents think she’s on American Idol right now and there will be an awful explanation coming.

Bottom line, there’s a monster issue.  Sean is probably going to marry the whitest girl he can find because despite what he and ABC are telling you, we saw his backyard and the playhouse that’s bigger than my first four apartments.  That was the whitest group of people I have ever seen.  It was basically Dawson’s Creek on a golf course.  That, to me, means Sean is pulling the “keeping her for the fantasy suite” move, which I respect.  The problem is she isn’t going to give anything up unless he marries her and you know if he keeps her, she’ll be watching these episodes, seeing him ice cream lick every other girl’s face and she’ll go AWOL on their engagement.

It’s an impasse.  But her Prince Jasmine looks and her insistence on extreme birth control methods has earned her my newest nickname.  I give you Princess Beyazmine.  If you don’t get it, CLICK HERE.  She gets the rose, only because Strawberry Lemonade, like me and every other guy on the planet, never believes it when a girl says she wants to get with you but won’t.  You have to respect that Texas swagger.

The group date was at roller derby which is SO HOT RIGHT NOW because Ellen Page was in that fucking movie what’s-it-called and Netflix has a documentary about the Rose City Rollers in Portland, but don’t front like you are up on it ABC.   Come hang with me in PDX and I’ll show you roller derby.  It’s where we Marty McFly skateboard behind cars and go to every brewery in the Pearl and then go diving for treasure in the Willamette.  Stop fronting.  Stop trying to make Roller Derby the new Zooey Deschanel.  Fetch isn’t going to happen Gretchen Wieners.

We did get treated to one of my favorite Bachelor tests:  Who Looks Hot In A Helmet.  Winners here were Sarah and Little Orphan Hottie, who probably would look good in the first scene of Les Miserables being hazed by a tone-deaf Russell Crowe.

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I mean, Jesus, Strawberry Lemonade.  I know you want to go to Tahiti and see this thing out, but she’s not going to cheat on you, she’s going to organize your closet, she’s great with kids, even really ill ones, and she manages to look hot at all hours of the day.  The only person who could hate this girl is Lady Veneers (Emily Maynard), just because this girl is twice as nice and earnest and manages to be just as hot without resorting to fake teeth and telling me how amazing of a mom she is.

She was also cool to Sarah who had some legit reasons to not want to roller derby.  The thing is, she works at a great ad agency and if I know one thing about ad women, they are going to figure it out.  And guess what?  She didn’t eat shit hard.  You know who did?

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Neon Knight.  The producers did the mandatory “I think your jaw exploded” thing like when Ames “almost died” kickboxing like a 5th grade girl.  The thing is, she did get jacked up.  In the rose ceremony, her chin was messed up.  Whatever, she is a total ABC actress they planted and so this was a good way to boot her off.

We got robbed of seeing Guybrow try and eat a woman when Sean called off the competition and bored me to death with a free skate.  Skip to the night date.

Whackflip and Guybrow started going at it, but I was super distracted by the dent in Guybrow’s forehead.  I kept debating if she got that from years of raising one eyebrow every time a dude walked in the room or if she got if from some girl that hated her like all these girls do.  Her looks are far from the problem though and I’ve got many scars myself.

If we want to talk about the problem, it’s that she is crazy, pulled the awkward ambush move and got a rose out of it.  When she talks I don’t even know what the hell she is saying.  I recognize it as English but it’s like eavesdropping on a couple of French people describing what they hate about Americans.  The mind recoils.

The final one on one was one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen.  The diversity issue has been played up big time this season and I think Sean was not into Pretty Woman, but the producers were like, we need the best way to kick her off.  I know.  Let’s GIVE HER DIAMOND EARRINGS because that happens so much on dates.  Let’s let her max out the ABC Diner’s Club card at Badgely Mischka (on my old home turf, used to eat pho across the street on the regs, don’t think you can hide from me failed Missoni store across Little Santa Monica) on a dress and then let Neil Lane give her a 500K necklace to wear so she’ll feel pretty when she gets cut from the major league roster.

Pretty Woman was super cool and much prettier on this date when she was being easy going.  Sean said everything he had to in order to make it seem like he like HER but there was no romance.  He kept saying “I wanted it to be there” but if he wanted it to be there, it’d be there.  Princess Beyazmine said nothing the whole time, denied him any hope of sex and got the rose because she is hot.

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Keeping it real, doing a Pretty Woman themed date and then sending a girl home is cold shit.  They couldn’t even do that in the movie, even though 10 out of 10 times the businessman doesn’t marry the hooker.  That’s what the producers said with this date.  Here’s some fancy clothes, now go to the abattoir.  This was some cold shit, man.  Let’s not forget Pretty Woman is ABOUT A PROSTITUTE.

She was cool on the way out.  Wishing her the best, she didn’t embarrass herself.

Back at Downton Abbey:  Crazy Drunk Chick Edition, we got to see that Pretty Little Liar dressed up all Memoirs of a Geeksha.  What was the thought process of going kabuki theater to a rose ceremony?

Then, the best news of all time.  Guybrow is a stress eater.  I haven’t seen one since my favorite girl ever Chantal from years ago.  Guybrow is flirting with some massive weight gains due to booze, hormones and apparently Kettle Chips.  So few people ever are seen eating on camera, you figure she must be doing it so much they couldn’t cut around it.  Can’t wait, can’t wait.  Let the chardonnay flow.

Neon Knight got cut.  We’re all super sad.

Next week, a two night event???  Let me know how you think I should cover it in the comments section.  Live tweet one night, full post Weds?  Two posts?  One monster post?  Comment and tell me.  And follow my social channels already.

See you soon.  XOXO, Gossip Zack.

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50 Comments

Filed under Bachelor/Bachelorette

50 Responses to Bachelor Recap: Week Four

  1. SDM

    UMmmmm MEAN GIRLS? I LOVE YOU. Check plus.

    • SDM

      Also, “Nice Iraq”. So Good. I hate Strawberry Lemonade and your blog is basically the only reason I still watch! YOU GO GLEN COCO!

  2. Dick Arrow

    Thoughts on Selma’s transformation from gorgeous 10 with makeup to scary chola without makeup? I don’t like my women to fall a full 5 pegs when the foundation comes off.

  3. Grace

    Another hilarious update!. The facebook group I watch/comment with was all over the dent in Tierrable’s forehead. We renamed her Divot. Which, in light of the whole Pretty Woman date, is a fortunate coincidence. ” Be careful of the Steaming Divot ”

    Pretty Woman won that deal, since she got sparkly earrings, Jimmy Choo’s and a fancy dress as consolation prizes. All Amanda got were stitches. Winning.

    I had to click the link to understand the Beyaz thing, but that was spot on. Damn, you’re funny. And random.

    Love the idea of two posts, one for each night – I just have to figure out how to catch Tuesday’s show. Thanks for the great recaps!

  4. Base to Bearfighter….Ok, so my obnoxiously turned on and brimming with fan-itude clan think you should do a Mystery Science Theater webinar sort of thing….You can commentate the shit out of the show, while it’s happening, we’ll all drool over your comments, and you can mute all of our cackling laughter. People can join as they please and you can record it to post next day, then do a traditional blog the next day. For us romantic types. You can YouTube that ish, send it viral and be uber famous. Food for thought. Deuces.

  5. Lauren

    Totally kept staring at guybrow’s forehead dents too!

    As for Selma… didn’t we learn anything about crazy conservative parents from Ben’s season?! I know she can’t kiss him or anything like that, but she was definitely giving him a preview of all her best sex noises climbing up that mountain.

  6. USC SUCKS

    I can’t believe you didn’t mention anything about Chris Harrison/Joshua Tree/Drugs…I am a little disappointed…

  7. Tally

    Two posts, pleeeez. These are why I watch the show. For real.

  8. You nailed it. Live text first night, full post post the double-header.
    So jazzed.

  9. Simone

    Two posts please for next week! I can’t get enough of your posts and two in a row would be awesome!! :-)

  10. Erin

    Two posts, definately. A Must.

  11. My vote is for two posts, but I know that shit can be draining, so go with God, Zack. Whatever feels right.

    Also, thank you for mentioning the hooker in “Pretty Woman.” Every time someone referenced that movie, I wanted to throw something at the TV. It’s just your average, light-hearted romantic romp…about a HOOKER. For god’s sake. It’s not “When Harry Met Sally.” Either ABC edited out any sarcastic mention of the prostitute angle, or these people are all lobotomized during the audition process.

    Lastly, did you see the previews? I laughed so hard I nearly fell off the couch. Though we could be victims of ABC’s sketchy editing, it appears that Guybrow inadvertently joins the Polar Bear Club. I. cannot. wait.

  12. Beau

    “Good looking and can climb rocks? The only issue will be in Dallas having to explain to his golf buddies that she isn’t Latina.”

    -This got me laughing to the point of hysteria. Partly, due to the fact I’m from Dallas and explaining to my friends I was dating a girl from Iraq would be the equivalent of myself pronouncing I bat the other direction.

  13. Parker

    Guybrow’s new nickname should be Chinese Water Torture, for two reasons; 1) her forehead looks like she has been Chinese water-tortured, and 2) listening to her whine and pick aimless fights induces an equivalent sense of pain and insanity.

  14. Jessica

    Two posts, or 1 big one would be my vote!! :)

  15. Stacy

    Two FULL posts please!!! I know its a lot… but its definitely sooo appreciated!!! Your posts are hilarious!

  16. Lea

    I’m going to throw in a vote for posts about both nights, but whether they’re together or separate doesn’t matter much. We live for your uninterrupted commentary!

  17. yael

    I would be fine with one mega recap after Tuesday but maybe because I am selfish and since I have to watch the show a day late (wrong continent), I want everyone to suffer with me.

    Your BachCaps are ridiculous. It’s unbelievable to me I watched so many seasons without them. Thanks for being brilliant and generous with your skewering. Who knew this was the way to get so many fangirls. BachCaps are the new puppy.

    In the unlikely event you are feeling charitable to a wannabe mentee: http://flounderandscuttle.wordpress.com/

  18. Erin

    TWO POSTS PLEASE!!

  19. katie

    Two posts! Two posts!

  20. Sarah

    Two posts please! I’ll bring you a sandwich from Italia as a bribe (I’m from oak park).

  21. Dano

    Definitely two posts, and we need another menu/drink for next week (or maybe two!). The pasta and Rose Ceremony were delicious!

  22. L Walker

    Two posts please! One post is long to read in one sitting (whilst pretending to work) so if you split it up, that would be helpful.

    KTHANKSBYE

  23. 2 posts next week please!!!

  24. Dolly Smith

    As a recent initiate, I welcome more posts rather than fewer. Did you catch Little Orphan Hottie’s comments in the preview? I thought they should have had the “ree ree ree” knife music from Psycho behind them. It was something along the lines of, “No one gets between me and my man,” and there was nothing lighthearted in the delivery. Be afraid. Be uber afraid.

  25. Haley

    Two posts. Duh. My colleagues and I live for these recaps!

  26. Live tweet-a-thon and TWO posts. No one expects the muppets.

  27. Marie

    I am positively giddy at the thought of double recaps in one week. Please, oh please, make it so!

  28. Claire

    Two posts..you must. We’ll even wait til Friday if we have to.

  29. Catherine

    Two posts for us and none for Gretchen Weiners! You are the highlight of our week, Zack!

  30. Maggie

    Two posts please!! This blog is the only way my friends got me to watch this show! Your witty commentary is amazing!!

  31. jessicalombardi16

    2 POSTS! And was anyone else annoyed by the amount of times Pretty Woman said “Holy Moley” ?? Almost as annoying as Princess Beyazmines baby talk

  32. Simone

    BTW, I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned how cheap they are this time with traveling for their “most sincere bachelor EVER” even though they gave you some helicopter rides already… They are still in LA where they were already globetrotting at this time for the last few seasons… Must be all the extra drug money for CH that keeps their budget low :-)

  33. Kelsey

    One mega post! P.S. This was the BEST BachCap ever! Love your comments on Selma and looking forward to more.

  34. Jack

    Pretty Woman, the “Poker Dealer,” was in an episode of Happy Endings last week, so I think she’s doing just fine:)

  35. chelsea

    2 posts please :) from your loyal PDX fans

  36. Ula

    Please cover the “double episode” with double posts. Also, my bf and I have been wondering why you haven’t picked up on the fact that Sean is literally trying to kill off the women in his dates. This is probably how a convo between him (SL) and the producers (P) went before the roller derby date:

    P: Sean, our insurance doesn’t cover homicide, you’ve gotta stop with this.
    SL: No way the show must go on. My wife will literally be the last one standing.
    P: Sean, you’re not allowed to have these girls die, this isn’t Gladiator!
    SL: Not die, I was thinking just thinking maim and permanently injure.
    P: (ok, lets try this) Sean, if you have all the girls get hurt the show will be over, and you won’t be able to conduct more f***ed up experiments.
    SL: sweet man, that’s a good point! I’m not nearly finished playing puppet master over so many women, yet.

  37. Mike

    There’s something a little off about Strawberry Lemonade. Behind those baby blues and chiseled features there’s some twisted little schoolboy with a magnifying glass testing the limits of the ants in his ant farm. He starts off this week “I’m putting Selma to the test.” Every girl he “puts to the test!” Every. Girl. He’s just conducting experiments. I’m sure if you took the most spoken words/phrases he says, after “a” “the” and “I’m outdoorsy” the next most common things are “test” “out of her comfort zone” and “see: what she can do/ what she is capable of/ who will rise to the challenge.” There’s something tweaked about SL. This isn’t Thunderdome; you’re not Tina Turner (much as you want to be). Make sure that his excursion date doesn’t take them to Yucatan, Mexico, because I’m almost positive that episode would feature him covered in blue body pain, animal bone piercings and a loin cloth, and he would have the girls run down a grassy field while he throws spears and shoots arrows at them. First one to run out of his range unscathed just ran her way into his heart, and he will hunt her down while fear flashes in her eyes. Maybe SL will relax with Mel Gibson afterwards and trade secrets on how to play the game of life without a full deck.

  38. Miss Tran

    One great monster post. Pretty pretty little liar please!!!!!!

  39. Tara Leigh

    We need another recipe and cocktail! Your cocktail from last week had me and everyone else hungover for 2 days, but totally with it.

  40. You killed it this week. Killed. It.

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