Before we get into it, I have a couple big announcements that as the most handsome blogger in North America who understands how to make every pre and post prohibition cocktail known to man, I demand you pay some attention before I start making some reality game show contestants want to drink Drain-O to make it all end quickly.
The first, is that I am finally doing a little co-partnership with my good friend Gaby Dalkin of What’s Gaby Cooking, a killer chef, food blogger and soon to be published cookbook author. Besides having been a personal chef to Jessica Simpson, amongst others, she has also put up with me for many years and introduced me to her husband, with whom I have covered up many crimes, especially in Las Vegas.
What Gaby and I have planned is to release two recipes this Thursday. Gaby, will take the dinner course and I will be showing you how to make a cocktail. Together, you will cook her recipe and build my cocktail and sit and enjoy week four of the Bachelor. It’s going to taste great and my drink will at least ensure you are drunk before the show starts. It’s like a valium before surgery.
So, look out for that if for no other reason than to try some of Gaby’s food.
The second bit is a request. Full disclosure, I work for an advertising agency and we’ve worked on a project where people can basically Kickstarter a vehicle. Well, a fraternity at USC is going to crowdfund a Dodge Dart to donate to Meals on Wheels. I want you all to do me a favor and donate them a couple bucks. I am proud of the project, but I’d be most proud if it was used for good, hopefully to offset the damage my promotion of the Bachelor does to this and future generations. Please CLICK THIS LINK and give a dollar, ten dollars, hell, a C-note if you appreciate me.
And now, let’s BachCap.
Holy shit! Strawberry Lemonade was working out this week to intro the show. If this was Foursquare, he’d get a fucking badge and some copy like “Three weeks in a row looking homoerotic on a treadmill? Your self dignity says no, but your biceps say yes!”
Then I ignored everything he said, because, well, he’s Strawberry Lemonade and the only thing I pay attention to with him is the fact that every time his kisses a girl he puts his hand on her leg like she’s a manual transmission car. Sean doesn’t make out with girls, he drives stick.
First one on one date was Pretty Little Liar who has all the game of an 8th grader in a hot tub. They get in a limo and head to the place that every producer on a Hollywood show takes reality show contestants: Hollywood Boulevard. Let’s list my memories of Hollywood Blvd. I puked on it once back when my band had a rehearsal space off Vine in a tenement house (but Adam Brody’s band rehearsed there too, get turned on again women!). My high school reunion was at the W so I let a valet take my car there. I ate at Mel’s there a few times when the Sunset location felt too far away. I won’t even go to a strip club there.
Every other Hollywood Blvd experience? Trying not to get raped by homeless street performers dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow and Chewbacca. Literally, you can be sober on a Tuesday at 2pm and it’s like 4am at Burning Man with a head full of acid and someone trying to cut your arm off with a tree branch while asking you for money.
But hey, let’s go to the Guinness World Records place that I have driven by 1000 times and never gone in because I am not an asshole tourist from Osaka with a shitty travel agent. In fact, this date was awesome because I got to see inside a building I have never been in and after 18 years in LA, there aren’t many of those. Side note, when you are up in Portland, sometimes the Bachelor can make you homesick. Cured. You showed me Hollywood Blvd and Guinness. Bring on the rain, Pac Northwest.
While walking around the museum and listening to Pretty Little Liar in her too short dress try and talk about what’s interesting about these “exhibits”, we find out Strawberry Lemonade’s dad (and family) are the kind of people who set GBOR records. 97 straight hours in a car? Don’t marry into this family. This isn’t like, let’s go do the hot wings challenge at the local sports bar. This is like “let’s talk about God and ammo for 48 straights never stopping”. Fuck. That. Noise.
They go outside and there’s a stage, a man in a ridiculous dinner jacket (I know you know Downton watchers) who has the depressing job of taking something like a GBOR record seriously and a crowd of homeless people, tourists and drug peddlers. The drug peddlers explain why Chris Harrison decided to pop out at just that moment, in a Michael Scott “pretend I am the ring leader at a circus” vest. Harrison wears a suit better than anyone on earth. I hate when he goes casual or worse, circus casual.
Pretty Little Liar and Strawberry Lemonade have to make out for 3 minutes and 16 seconds and set a record for longest on screen kiss, which to fulfill, meant we had to watch all 3:16 seconds of it. The situation did not stop Sean for grabbing her ass a few times. Hard to stop a trained behavior, wait til he starts beating her without knowing why.
I thought the point of this was to force Strawberry Blonde to get some muscle memory on how to kiss. Normally, he sticks his tongue out like he’s trying to eat Gogurt. As later kisses this episode show, he learned nothing. I have to close my eyes when he makes out with girls because it’s worse than watching surgery on television. Frankly, it’s more invasive.
Later they go upstairs and Pretty Little Liar talks about how Sean is perfect, which she will regret in about a month. Publicly. On television. With tears.
Then she does that awkward game that kills sperm count where you talk about kissing and shit before you kiss. It’s like watching two 8th graders fall in love. Then Strawberry Blonde said he was making her blush, which was the purple-faced lemonade head calling the kettle… purple?
Magic, lazers, fairy dust, thank god, a commercial.
Group date, bitches. We’re going to Zuma beach ten minutes from the mansion where my entire high school used to go to see each other in less clothes each summer and where every fucking commercial about rollerskating at the beach is filmed.
My wife knew a physical challenge was coming because she pointed out that suddenly, all these girls were wearing sports bikinis designed to make sure Guybrow’s boobs didn’t carry her out to see. I wasn’t worried. If her eyebrow raises don’t carry her to space, she’s fine.
Much like during Ben’s season, the girls were going to play a sport and the winning team gets MORE TIME WITH STRAWBERRY LEMONADE. Unlike Ben’s season, instead of playing baseball in a creepy Puerto Rican Estadio, this was low budget let’s play volleyball on a public beast. Way to spoil us, ABC. Guinness and now this? You’re too good to us. Fuck you.
These girls were so bad at volleyball they couldn’t even pretend to cut together a montage that showed any back and forth. Why was the score tied the whole time? No one ever got it over the fucking net. This looked like the fucking Puppy Bowl before the Super Bowl where it’s just a bunch of puppies chasing chew toys around a kennel and they call it football.
Someone, blue team “wins”. Anyone Can Model takes this way too fucking hard and I kept hoping a seagull took a shit in her hair, but no such luck.
The night date was back at Strawberry’s house. Again, way to spend ABC. Did you pick up Baja Fresh for them on the way home too? Sean probably was like “I’ll take my Burrito Mexicano enchilado style” and the producers were like “fuck that, what do you think this is, Dancing With The Stars? You get some chips. Now work out on camera or you don’t get the salsa”.
Harrison must have spent the budget on some really, really good shit. This episode started off CHEAP.
The only thing of note besides the fact that Neon Knight can show all her fucking teeth at once (even works, she’s one of like five girls still on the show that do this) is that Beyan supposedly went nuts and tried to say that Neon Knight and Joey Potter were in a fight and somehow this made her in the middle of it.
We all know Beyan is just there to focus test her. Will she be the next Bachelorette? So, they need to get her off the show. I just wanted them to try harder than to have a girl who we’ve seen be normal just make duck faces and make up some weird ass story about being in the middle of an argument that didn’t exist. The thing about bad writing is that it stands out even on a bad show. There’s a reason you all gave up on Gossip Girl for a few minutes there. There’s a reason you gave up on 90210 (the new shit). There’s a reason Sex and the City 2 made most of us want to eat dynamite and matches. Even good things can be poorly written.
But yeah, Kacie B. “career Bachelor contestant” isn’t auditioning for the Bachelorette…
Whatever, the wedding dress girl who talks like Shoshana from Girls (in one long sentence) gets the rose and some disgusting tongue first kissing. Good on you, GIRLS.
The date card shows up and Guybrow pretends it’s a two-on-one and everyone is like “WHAT A BITCH” and for the first time ever, I was on Guybrow’s side. Take a joke. And that was the last joke of the show.
The second one on one date was going to be AshLee, who due to a sad story about having ten foster homes has two capitals in her first name, presumably because she was named by a handful of different people and just took bits and pieces of that melange of names. You bet I used the word melange. Don’t be so turned on. I got it off a jar of peppercorns. I can cook. Be turned on again.
Besides another bit of bad writing where Guybrow falls down the stairs conveniently when Sean is over and he waits 20 minutes and says “she may have a concussion”, we were almost ready for one of the show’s finer moments. But first, we were made to believe paramedics were going to let a woman they put in a neck brace walk away then sit slacker style on a couch. Just stop. Either go Hunger Games, or don’t. She didn’t fall down the stairs. I just hope no one actually died because there was a team of EMTs pretending to secure the head of a moron. Worse, could we have skipped the TEN teasers pretending like this scene was interesting. Cheers to Guybrow for wearing see-thru clothes tho.
Little Orphan Hottie, who is nails, gets the charity date. They go to Six Flags, it’s empty and two nice young girls with serious diseases come and ride in the park. I don’t have much to say, this was a great thing for them and Little Orphan Hottie looked hot the whole time and clearly is a nice person.
She told her story to Sean and he cried and that was maybe the first genuine moment I’ve seen on this show. What a perfect Texas wife she’d make. She’s hot, she’s glad to have a home and when you go play golf, she actually enjoys putting all your shit away in perfect working order. Sign us all up. I mean, literally, compared to being abused and shuffled through the fucking foster home system, Sean working on basal cell carcinoma on the golf course and being home organizing his workout board shorts seems like a walk in the part.
She’s a contender and if she isn’t, I got some friends that are interested.
Rose ceremony, blah… Anyone Can Model was kicked off. I forgot the other. Oh yeah, Beyan. Who wasn’t ever really there and was wearing a wetsuit, presumably because she was filming an underwater breach scene for a Bond film.
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