Arrogant Game Preview: Arizona Wildcats

They days of finding reasons to be pumped up for our opponents are over.  I no longer need to resort to expensive, exotic techniques to fire my ass up enough to, in turn, fire your asses up.  It’s the transitive theory of ass fire.  It’s science.

This means no more breaking into donut shops and replacing bear claws with actual severed bear claws.  This means no more drinking contests with German tourists for pink slips (pronounced “pinkenschlippen”).  This means no more using cars as surfboards.

The football is finally enough.

This week we play the Arizona Wildcats, or as I refer to them, the “Lil’ Ducks”.  They are going to finally give our defense the chance to mess with a spread, up-tempo offense without the nagging inconvenience of “having a defense”.  Arizona actually runs the score up as good as anyone in our conference and with our defense being built to deal with Oregon, what better way to test drive ourselves than a romp with the Lil Ducks.  Or Cacti Kids.

The Wildcats are a sentimental favorite for me as my wife is from Tucson, my father in law teaches there and my freshman year I visited Coronado (Scorenado) and woke up in the hallway possibly covered in my own tears and tequila.  Then I ate some Sonoran Mexican food, drove like hell back to LA stopping only to piss in the desert, which was pretty awesome.

None of that matters to me right now though because to quote Fear and Loathing, “things just got serious”.

The Rose Bowl is always our goal because until the National Championship is in playoff format, it can only be taken so seriously.  There will be a fan base out there that gets snubbed from the game and they will be right.  Until we play to the end, the Rose Bowl is the goal and a natty is fine, but in the end half the country won’t recognize you winning it anyway.

To get to the Rose Bowl, a win against Arizona is a must.  It keeps us in the driver’s seat in the South and our free ride to the Pac Title Game.  That’s why we can’t be duped by the bevy of saguaros, Arizona sorority girls, quality Mexican food and bars you can smoke in.  We need to focus on the endzone.

USC will face a formidable spread offense that on paper compares favorably with Oregon, a true test for a defense devised in a lab by Kiffin and Son featuring faster, undersized death machines like Dion Bailey who are safeties playing linebacker.  Everything that didn’t work against Stanford defensively (and we still did well there) was mainly personnel because the road to glory is going to have to go through Eugene, Oregon, just like the road to cooler cities like Portland and Seattle.  We were allowed that one stupid loss to what I still think is a 3 loss Stanford team if our defense proves it was built for beating Oregon (which it did last year).

We have to start by beating the Wildcats, Wilma and Wilbur included.

While I am sure Arizona will air it out, run for the edges and put up points, USC has three things going for them that are undeniable.  The first is that I am hell with a pen.

The second is that Arizona’s defense is really the defense from Catalina Foothills High School (my wife’s alma mater), who are an admirable high school D, but not ready for the college game or Zona would be undefeated.  You know how smart kids would go to community college for math class?  That’s like the Foothills defense.  They go to Arizona for gameday and have been known to try anything to stop the deluge of scoring against them.  They will make you eat Los Betos all night until you shit yourself.  They will tip a saguaro on the team bus.  They’ll stick dried chilis in your gas tank.  They don’t care.  Anything to avoid having to tackle.

The third thing we have going is that RichRod is a huge tool.  Kiffin is a dick.  That’s what we like about him.  RichRod is a tool.  After helping ruin college football at WVU by implementing a style of football guaranteed to not produce NFL talent, he went to Michigan and ruined their program just in time to be banished from the sport for a while.  He was on Real Sports when they were talking about college sports, sanctions and the lot.  The turncoat might as well have been working for the NCAA.  For this, the cloud god will punish him (see my med influenced post last week).

He is a perfect fit for a Wildcat team that can recruit speed at a lower star level and put them in space.  This will not help the Foothills Falcons defense, but they will score points.

Real quick.  I feel like I know people like Wilbur and Wilma.  I feel like they just got back from Havasu, still drunk, but are also still looking to party.  I kind of dig it.

Being a must win, the key for us is to see how we look.  Kiffin is so mind-game city this week, it’s hard to know what the hell the goal is for the game beyond winning.  Do we show Oregon everything?  Is there more-hurry up?  Is there less?  Do we come out and run the option like we’re Air Force?  At this point, Kiffin is deep in his LSD trip listening to Meddle by Pink Floyd and we’re the sober guy who shows up and tries to understand what’s going on.

All I know is that the energy in our fan base is down because we’re waiting to see what happens.  I say FUCK THAT Arrogant Nation.  The real meat of the season begins now and instead of visiting Tucson to see this game (I really want to), I am going to watch the game from Maui where I will be submerged in POG juice and dipping pork products in rum.  I will do my arrogant best to get this victory.

There’s no looking ahead to the Ducks, the Lil Ducks can win this game if we don’t treat them like a food coma from eating too much Beyond Bread (Bart’s Bag or Betty’s Brie, let’s go) and just sack up and go into coked out beserker mode.  It’s going to be fireworks, the desert is dry and could go up at any moment.  Let’s make sure to bring our firesuits and hoses.

I am jacked up.  I don’t even know what players will be wearing what numbers.  I just know I’ll be in a pool watching on television ready to start the revolution.  For those of you travelling, have a Sonoran Dog for me and maybe celebrate the win at Dirtbags.  Naked.  And smoke inside.  Then go to Star Ranch and maybe eat some more Beyond Bread.  Then get chased by Tucson local police.  Probably eat Beyond Bread again.

Then, time to think about the Ducks.

PREDICTIONS

USC 237
LIL DUCKS 174

Our D will prove it was built for Oregon, not so much by shutting down the Cats, but by slowing them down enough for us to draw phallic images on their faces while they are sleeping from eating too much Los Betos.

2 PT CONVERSIONS

27.  It’s going to be a shootout.

KIFFIN OUTFIT PREDICTION

I’m seeing white visor, white windbreaker and the return of the red pants.  Desert gets cold at night, especially if you aren’t eating Beyond Bread.

KYLE NEGRETE PREDATOR DRONES

I’m not seeing a lot of punts, but by now at least his face is in training for his annual Movember stache.

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20 Comments

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20 Responses to Arrogant Game Preview: Arizona Wildcats

  1. I followed last year’s UCLA game at the Four Seasons Maui, and we won big time. Maybe since you are doing the same this weekend, we will have a similar outcome! Have fun!!

  2. Daniel

    Bearfighter, the game is at 12:30 PDT, which means it will be 9:30 AM in Maui!!! ESPN/ABC is trying to hamper the Bearfighter with this ridiculous game time. Screw it. What better place to be breakfast drunk than Maui…

    • Kelli

      I with Daniel! Start the day off with a Mai Tai or two, or three. They’ve got some juice in them right? This is a HUGE game for us and we need to win it big! Fire up Trojan Family! Hang your flags outside, get the bbq started, pour the drinks…I expect to hear lots of Woo-Woo in the air! Aloha Bear Fighter! Have an awesome vacation.

    • Start with a POGosa–like a mimosa, but better. That’s a quick warm up for a round 2 mai tai.

  3. Love the Dirtbags and Coronado shout-outs! I’m from the better Arizona city (PHX, obviously), but always had a good time visiting my friends down at U of A for the USC games. Lots of fun memories at Dirtbags! Have you ever had Taco Shop?

  4. RobR

    “…deep in his LSD trip listening to Meddle by Pink Floyd…”

    LOL

    What, no calling U of A “Truck Stop U”?

  5. I think Wilma flashed me at the river.

    Wish I was at the game, but will be arrogantly cheering from a barstool inside the Wookie Bar at Two Harbors. FTFO!

  6. Might need to update Kiffin’s outfit. Game is 12:30pm. Haven’t checked the weather for Tucson. Could be hot…could be cold

    Kiffin outfit: white frat tank. Cabo San Lucas head band. swimming trunks. Havianna sandals.

  7. POG juice brings back great memories of me as a child in Maui. Used to own 3 types of t-shirts. Sideout, Stussy, and Maui & Sons.

  8. Bruce

    Bearfighter, pretty accurate breakdown (from a Wildcat perspective). Considering that arguably our best defensive player is a walk-on from Canyon Del Oro (hopefully he plays, he’s been banged up), it’s quite possible the Catalina Foothills D is superior.

    As others have pointed out, it will be 12:30 kick for those of us not in Maui with a retinue of bikini models and Maori tribesmen. Unfortunately the weather will be mild (rather than lung-burstingly hot) so your windbreaker prediction might still be accurate.

    This one is going to come down to who has the ball last. If you are not familiar with Ka’Deem Carey yet, you might want to hit YouTube. Dude will be playing on Sundays (probably earlier than we would like). He’s an absolute beast.

    p.s. RichRod got a raw deal at UM, check out the book “3 and out” sometime, it’s an interesting read even for a neutral observer.
    p.p.s. I prefer to quaff at 1702, right next to Dirtbags, but to each his own. Too bad I can’t make the trek down from PHX for this one.

    Enjoy Maui, but unfortunately we’ll spoil Saturday morning for you.

    Cats 48
    Trojans 44

    Bear Down!

  9. Pingback: Lazy, Desert Town Preview | pachoops

  10. Brad from Tucson

    You know what happens to bears in the desert? They fucking die, because it’s too damn hot. Maybe they’d do better in Hawaii, but not even a Polar Bear with no ice caps can swim 14 fucking million miles to that island filled with wild chickens and ferrel hogs. Bear Down.

  11. SCPride

    Any chance you could send Kiff an Arrogant Nation shirt to wear during a game?

  12. damn dude…. the ducks don’t want a two loss team. thanks for making our SOS look weak, USC. I think Kiffin had to dig in the playbook to try and squeak a win. Look forward to reading your write up of this game and my ducks… you’re a cool cat.

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